(no subject)
i dunno whats happend suddenly, i mean i never used to post, and if i did ti was liek a lame arsed little one and mostly funny, but latley i feel compelled to come on here and let it all out, and just write a whole heap of stuff down, but then when i get on here i stop to think about what everyone will hthink, like it really matters, and like when i posted that whole "imageing that blah blah blah" i tried to avouid what the actual topic was, as if no-one could figure it out, plus i meanappart from annie and ellie i think the only other ppl who read this are heather occasonaly and ryn-chan, but still i dotn put anything down striaght winged.. i always sort ogf bow around the actual things that count...
BAAAAAAAAAAAHH
why is being me so horrable? its l;ike here, i can say stuff and do stuff, but have it viewed a scertain way, and its the same out there, and over there and EVERYWHERE...
my point is, well, i still cant bring up enoughto put anything down,ITS STUPID, why should tit be so hard? thats right, it shouldnt matter what you all think, but for some reason society has hammered it into my head that it does, and after 18 years thats the way i think...
it kinda shits me though, because now i cant really act or feel the way i want to all the time... likesometimes with ellie, when we talk about certin things, i feel perverted because soiety makes all men out that way, and when im in the general public, i have to act all *i have no emotion i am fully tough mate* or when i go out all in my black, and ppl look at me funny, i just take it as if i am wrong. when really i dotn care, but i dont let THEM know that, i pretend like i do...
its annoying bu tatfer so long its hard to change, and that makes the future sacry... i have lived ;ife as me, for 18 years, i know myself, and i have gottedn used to beign something im not, but what happens when i finally get to be the me i feel like, the one i havent been ALLOWED to get used to? and when society shuns me for being the me I want to be? what am i sposed to do then? peaple can even be KILLED over such things, its ridiculous.
all i know is that everyime im left alone i think about it, and it makes me want it more, and hate the me i am now more, but fear the me i could be later, becuase its 'not right'.
it probably doesnt help that my mum tells me i dont know myself, andthat tjehe doctor who saw me for five seconds doesnt think so and she wll back him over me, andthen sends me to a psychatrist and when him and a couciler bothe sayi am right she rejects it and shays the councileriI didnteven like so she MUST be dumb and that only leaves one psyc ofver her and her OH SO GREAT doctor... and my opiniopn doesnt really count...
oh well.
life gos on, therss still time to figure it all out, but WHY is itthatwhen omethinggood happens something worse then before comes and jumps on it and crushes it into a tiny cube and eats it?
but as i said, ill figure it out intime... i just hope it dosnt take TOO long...
BAAAAAAAAAAAHH
why is being me so horrable? its l;ike here, i can say stuff and do stuff, but have it viewed a scertain way, and its the same out there, and over there and EVERYWHERE...
my point is, well, i still cant bring up enoughto put anything down,ITS STUPID, why should tit be so hard? thats right, it shouldnt matter what you all think, but for some reason society has hammered it into my head that it does, and after 18 years thats the way i think...
it kinda shits me though, because now i cant really act or feel the way i want to all the time... likesometimes with ellie, when we talk about certin things, i feel perverted because soiety makes all men out that way, and when im in the general public, i have to act all *i have no emotion i am fully tough mate* or when i go out all in my black, and ppl look at me funny, i just take it as if i am wrong. when really i dotn care, but i dont let THEM know that, i pretend like i do...
its annoying bu tatfer so long its hard to change, and that makes the future sacry... i have lived ;ife as me, for 18 years, i know myself, and i have gottedn used to beign something im not, but what happens when i finally get to be the me i feel like, the one i havent been ALLOWED to get used to? and when society shuns me for being the me I want to be? what am i sposed to do then? peaple can even be KILLED over such things, its ridiculous.
all i know is that everyime im left alone i think about it, and it makes me want it more, and hate the me i am now more, but fear the me i could be later, becuase its 'not right'.
it probably doesnt help that my mum tells me i dont know myself, andthat tjehe doctor who saw me for five seconds doesnt think so and she wll back him over me, andthen sends me to a psychatrist and when him and a couciler bothe sayi am right she rejects it and shays the councileriI didnteven like so she MUST be dumb and that only leaves one psyc ofver her and her OH SO GREAT doctor... and my opiniopn doesnt really count...
oh well.
life gos on, therss still time to figure it all out, but WHY is itthatwhen omethinggood happens something worse then before comes and jumps on it and crushes it into a tiny cube and eats it?
but as i said, ill figure it out intime... i just hope it dosnt take TOO long...