At the End of Things
Hi!
I've been eagerly awaiting to say something of consequence until I finished this fic. As many of you have guessed, this is far from my first fic and I do spent most of my time in fandom under a much better-known name. Someone of you have said "Oh, your style looks like Ociwen's", some of you have emailed me and specifically said "I know it's you! It has to be!"
Well, you're right. I am Ociwen.
I had intended to post this fic from the start under a sockpuppet/psuedonym/alias. I personally don't think posting as such is bad form in any way- if I was asked, I said it was me. If I wasn't, there was no need. I had my reasons to do this, which some of you also discussed in comments or other posts, like coffeejunkii and wildegirl05.
So, why didn't I post under my usual LJ or archive?
Firstly, I wrote this fic for my birthday. For me and entirely me. Unfortunately, even by that date I was only just over half way finished, but I wanted to post the first 15 sections as a sort of present to myself, a kind of "hey, good job on all the fiction self, treat yourself to this fantasy fic I wrote for me".
So, that's why I sometimes came off as a little bitchy in some comments, defensive over certain character and plot choices, because, really, this was written as a fic for me, not for the readers. I write many, many other things for readers. I wanted something this time. I have never received fantasy fic before because I didn't feel anyone could do justice fully to what I'd love to see in fic, namely, H/D mpreg but written to such specifications that it was pointless having anyone but me write it.
Secondly, I posted this fic under eutychides because of the stigmatization of mpreg. It's no secret that many poor-quality fics have given the few good mpregs a horrible name. I've seen people justify their dislike for this genre on everything from "I don't want to read about women having babies, I don't want to read about men doing it either!" to "I don't like children!" to "EW MANGINAS!" I agree. If I wanted to read a feminized male character get pregnant, I'd read het. And many mpreg fics have AWFUL children- they are pure sweetness, extensions of their parents rather than individual characters in their own rights. They made me want to vomit up the green emerald orbs and silver hair authors always seem to have to have in H/D mpreg.
I didn't want my regular flist to know. 95% of them wouldn't touch mpreg with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole and I don't blame them. I was afraid of the reception, to be honest. Yes, I know my fics are generally all right, but this genre is not well-loved. At all. I just didn't want them to know that it was me who wrote mpreg. It's shameful in a way to write mpreg, unless you write crackfic mpreg, which I have done in the past, but really, I don't like crackfic. There are so many barriers of reception to be broken with "regular" mpreg, if there can be such a thing. Hell, I had readers many, many times tell me they didn't want to read, they didn't like mpreg, but this fic made them question their assumptions.
Thank you.
Thirdly, I posted this fic here as a sort of experiment. If I posted as an "unknown" and only linked it from a well-known H/D community, how many people would be brave enough to try it? Judging from commenting averages per section, about 50 people read this fic on an ongoing basis. I expected fewer.
The reason I didn't friend anyone back with this journal comes from the fact I wanted to remain impartial, like a handful of other authors on LJ who do the same. It was certainly interesting watching the friends-of count rise with each subsequent section.
I had planned this fic for over two years before I started writing it. It was probably summer of 2003 when I started contemplating the main elements- H/D, with children, Draco likely the one to be pregnant. They would have a daughter, a son, another daughter followed by a gap of several years before a son named James who grows up to be a very good wizard (yes, he does). I had visions for the scene where they go to the beach and watch James play in the sand, I had visions for a confrontation with Lucius. I knew what their children would look like-
The oldest girl would have Malfoy's colouring, like Narcissa, but with Harry's eyes and the Evans jaw, horse-like, almost (think Harry Potter and the Psychic Serpent description). She would not be as thin as Narcissa and she would be a Gryffidor, through and through.
The oldest son was going to look like Harry, glasses and all, but with Malfoy's eyes and Malfoy's pointiness. Slytherin.
The youngest girl would have red hair like Lily, but paler from Malfoy's side. Her eyes would be an odd combination of grey and green and her features a smashed version of her parents together, but clearly visible. I waffled as to her house at Hogwarts, but always leaned more towards Slytherin.
James was going to have brown hair and brown eyes. I meant to, but never did explore his eyes, which were going to puzzle Harry and Malfoy since neither have brown ones. He grows up to be taller than the oldest son and yes, he does talk more when he goes to school. Gryffindor, of course.
And that was all I ever really had. I couldn't be bothered to start. The idea lingered, but never left.
And then in September of this year, I finally kicked the bucket and told myself, "Yes, I am going to write this. And it will be a birthday present for me because, dammit, I deserve something for all my hard work!"
It wasn't hard to write. Things came, things flowed. I admit I didn't know the names of the oldest three children until I started writing. Viola I struggled with until I wrote the section where she was born. I had been watching Shakespeare in Love that evening. The name fit- she needed to be fiery, like Lily and Ginny, but different. She needed some Malfoy smoothness as well, that touch of pompousness. Other things came from more recent canon and movie elements: Abraxas' name, Cedric's appearance. I wasn't sure I wanted to include a phantom pregnancy (hah hah, bad pun, I know!), but I liked it, so in the end I did. Abraxas, well, it wasn't until I was writing that chapter and the words came that he took on a whole new element to "become" gay, in a sense.
Again, I liked these elements, so they stuck. Abraxas was initially always intended to go and live with Lucius a la VC Andrews. I'm glad with the route I took instead of that.
Did anyone realize that the name comes from one of the first few lines of Ovid's Metamorphoses? Probably not, but I want to credit him. The classicist in me cannot resist consulting dear Ovid for titular ideas.
Did anyone else catch onto the Damnatio Memoriae? I was quite pleased to have come up with that, too. I had been writing an essay in the fall when writing those earlier chapters and some of my research included the Damnatio Memoriaes on Nero and Caracalla's brother. Likewise, I know some clever readers caught onto the very few comments where I mentioned a knowledge of Latin- did that tip any one off to the author being me? I know it did to some.
I did specifically tell a few close friends about this fic and link them to it early on, but for the most part I intended it to be sneaky until the end. It was fun conspiring with my beta on all of this, talking to each other in abbreviated code about characters and such.
Speaking of my beta, koneko_meow deserves an awesome...thank you. Thank you SO MUCH, Becca. For being willing to beta over 200 pages, 90k of words, and so fast too? You are beyond words! Thank you! Thank you! You are truly amazing and I am so grateful to have had you as my co-conspirator! You provided me with help and commentary and suggestions of what to focus on more in some sections and reminders of others in subsequent ones.
Thank you also to the readers who decided to give this fic a chance, mpreg and all. Thank you to those readers who commented with such wonderful words for me. I am so very appreciative of you all. Thank you to ALL of you for reading. Thank you so much!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. But please refrain from asking about a sequel, because I don't write sequels. I don't think this piece needs a sequel. It feels so very, very complete and I am satisfied with how everything was handled.
Of course, I have mentioned to a few people I had a horrible squicky idea for a versefic, but 99% of you really don't want to read something that will spoil the...happiness of the family, do you? ;D
-Ociwen (hydaspes)
P.S. You might want to check out my other fics here (which is, unfortunately, not as up-to-date as it should be), as well as my big_bang_hd fic, which should be up any time now!