Didn't Know I Was Lost, 8/8. NC-17
Title: Didn't Know I Was Lost
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to Thor 2.
This is the fault of phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger during all of our characterization discussions. Still, not sorry for this. :)
Summary: Natasha and Loki had a thing, no emotions or strings attached. Until they accidentally created one.
Prior chapters:
One - Accidents
Two - Decisions
Three - Bindings
Four - Fears
Five - Confidences
Six - Stories
Seven - Emotions
Eight - Threats
Lying on his back beside Rose in the front of the theater room, he projected images of the cosmos and patiently explained them all. She seemed to enjoy the glittering images, flailing her arms and legs, burbling happily. Sometimes he slipped into Allspeak, but he knew Natasha slipped into Russian or French at times. It was good for Rose's developing brain according to human research, so neither of them worked to fall out of the habit. She was too young to know what words were anyway. It was the cadence of language that mattered now, the emotion conveyed in it. So Loki showed her the best and brightest parts of the universe, not the darker places he'd been to.
"Isn't she a little young for astronomy lessons?" Clint asked from the doorway to the theater room.
Loki scowled up at the dazzling nebula above him and Rose. "It's more to make her feel the universe isn't a scary place."
"Oh. Is it?"
Clint's tone was one of curiosity, not derision. "It can be," Loki said quietly. "Quite a bit of it can be, actually."
"Huh." Clint entered the theater room and plunked down into one of the seats, legs sprawled in front of him and hands folded neatly on his stomach. "I've never been anywhere before SHIELD. And after I joined up, no real opportunity for stargazing or wondering about life out there."
That was possibly the most honest and revealing piece of information that Clint had willingly given him, so Loki didn't tell him that he knew that from his time controlling Clint via the Tesseract. He merely made a thoughtful sound, staring at the nebula and listening to Rose coo.
"I liked this place," Loki murmured, deciding to give Clint a piece of truth in return. "It is quiet there, peaceful. None deem it worthy of notice, as there is no sentient life within it, just scattered flora and small fauna on the planets with atmosphere. One in particular was my favorite. Thin, breathable air, sky tinged a teal color. I scattered seeds from Asgard once, to see if they would take root. Some did. The place was a riot of color and life when I returned. That was hundreds of your years ago. I wonder what it looks like now."
"Probably a jungle, then."
"Probably."
"Teal sky, huh? Weird."
"I liked it."
"I would guess your favorite color is green," Clint commented.
Loki chuckled. He did wear a lot of the color. "I suppose it's easy to tell, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Loki could hear the smile in Clint's voice. "You know, it's easy to fuck up as a parent." The words were harsh, almost abrupt. "Kids don't come with a manual. It's too easy to screw something up, and parents are just people. Flawed and awful sometimes, or fragile. Or broken."
There was a distance in Clint's voice that told Loki to tread carefully. This was Natasha's friend, one of Rose's honorary uncles. This was also a man that had cheerfully offered to slit his throat when he first arrived at Avengers Tower.
"Why do you say that?" Loki asked quietly.
"My Mom skipped out early. My Dad was an asshole abusive drunk. Brother wasn't much better," Clint told him, words clipped and precise. Not a sore point, but not something to be discussed in detail. "Not the same as yours."
"No," Loki replied slowly, wondering what his point was. "Not the same."
"Not that it's not hurtful to find out that you were part of a game between them," Clint continued, and Loki's heart seized. "Just different. I think it hurts worse if you idealize someone and then realize they're flawed just as much as the rest of us."
"You think I should forgive Frigga."
"I think you can do what you damn well please. She said you're over a thousand years old, Loki. You're a goddamn adult. You don't need her to tell you what to do. And you've got a kid now. You have to man up and be a father. Don't be a shitty one."
His tone was matter of fact, not lecturing, which Loki appreciated. "Man up," he mused, finding the phrasing funny.
"Yeah," Clint said, shrugging. "Basically, grow the fuck up."
"In that case, please refrain from using profanity around my daughter. I'd rather she not speak as though she was a gutter snipe."
He laughed in response, grinning up at the nebula. "Yeah. I can give that a try."
"My thanks." Loki paused, then changed the image above them into Asgard. "This is Asgard. This is where I grew up."
"Huh. Pretty," Clint replied as Rose burbled. He truly was a man of understatement sometimes. "Very... gold."
"Yes, it is. It's the shining city of the Nine Realms. Timeless. Unchanging." Loki could hear the emotion in his voice and was grateful for the darkness of the room.
"In that case, it's a good thing you're here," Clint replied easily.
"Why? The rule of Asgard-"
"Is bullshit," Clint interrupted with a snort. "If nothing changes, you don't grow. That's a fact. You need challenges. You need conflict. Thor says the best thing that happened to him was being sent here. It forced him to really look around himself and see people, not just war and conquest. I think being here can do the same for you, if you let it."
"And if I don't?"
"Then you're just being willfully stupid."
Now it was Loki's turn to snort. "That is not a term ever used with me before."
"Yeah, well, I think we've already established that the people on Asgard don't know what the hell to do with you."
"Fair point," Loki replied. He had taken that as a point of pride, actually.
"So you really are in the right place, then," Clint said, shifting to push himself up to his feet. "Welcome to the freak show."
"What?"
"Carnivals used to have displays for oddities. What do you think we are? It's a tower full of the freaks nobody on earth knows what to do with. Might as well gather together."
It was said so matter of factly that Loki immediately rose to a sitting position to observe Clint in the golden glow of Asgard's image. "I thought you hated me."
"Oh, I can't stand you," Clint said easily. "You're an asshole that thinks you're better than the rest of us when you're not. You don't know nice even if it knocks you upside the head, and you're a self-serving bastard. Don't think I don't know how you made Natasha cry. I will never forgive you for that or the Tesseract mind rape."
"Then how can you even speak with me?"
"Because you're Rose's father. I can work with people I don't like. I do it all the time." He gave Loki a chilling smile that looked even more eerie because of the shadows shifting across his face. "And if you hurt anyone else ever again, I will take it upon myself to personally teach you what it means to have your ass handed to you."
"You think you can best me?" Loki cried incredulously.
"Oh, I know I can. And even if for some reason I can't? Everyone else in this tower will help me do it. Everyone. You can't afford to burn your last bridges."
While Loki was sure he was missing something in the metaphors, he was sure he understood the gist of it quite well. Clint gave him a curt nod, then stalked out, leaving him behind with Rose, still cooing innocently on the floor at the sight of Asgard. Loki shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
This was his home now. This was Rose's home. He caused this problem. He did this, and he would have to fix it on his own somehow.
***
While Natasha certainly put in her hours of training, Clint and Steve asked her to stay behind on the latest call for the Avengers. She compressed her lips unhappily and nearly glared at them. "You think I can't handle it now that I have a child," she hissed angrily.
"Tash," Clint said gently, "He brainwashes his victims. The SHIELD team that went in lost three people."
"Then why are you going in?" she accused.
"I'm not," Clint corrected. "SHIELD's calling me in to train noobs," he said. "They want me as far away from this guy as possible, too. I told them I'd cover the training, you had your own bolthole to go to."
Natasha visibly relaxed. "Oh. Oh. Thank you, Clint."
"Hey," Clint said softly, pulling her into a tight hug. "You of all people should know how I feel about you. You took care of yourself before you worked for SHIELD and even pregnant you could kick ass. But they don't know how this guy is doing it, if it's magic or auditory cues or pheromones or some shit even SHIELD hasn't tested yet. Everyone vulnerable to mind control is being sent into hiding to keep their minds safe."
She hugged him back tightly. "You stay safe, Clint. If you get mind controlled again, I will beat it out of you."
Clint laughed easily. "That is how they got the other agents back, by the way. Though apparently they didn't get it right on the first try."
"Amateurs," she replied dryly with a smirk.
Loki was sent in with the other Avengers in case the mind control truly was magic as the man claimed. Dressed in full green, gold and black regalia, Loki stared intently at the man terrorizing the denizens of Wall Street. He appeared to be of average height, with nondescript clothing, brown hair, pale skin, and green eyes. He also appeared to be floating. However, Loki could see past it immediately; it was no illusion spell but a low grade hypnotism field. Those who were weak of will couldn't fight against it, and saw whatever this man wanted them to see, and obeyed him to the best of their ability. Loki could see the green skin and hair, red eyes and yellow pupils.
"You're a mutant," Loki declared. "There is nothing magical about you whatsoever." The decreased restrictions on his magic meant that he could reduce the man's hypnotic field and expose him for the thief he was. "Bow before true mastery of the seidr and see you have nothing."
It was easy to bind the man's skills, to leave him in handcuffs with the police, essentially stripped of his powers. The Avengers were left to tend to the weak minded fools that the man had manipulated and do crowd control.
But the man, who identified himself alternately as Mesmero or Vincent to various police inquiries, had one last trick up his sleeve. When Loki came close enough to gloat over the easy capture, Mesmero just smiled and whispered. Loki bent closer to hear his words, forgetting that he was well within what was left of his hypnotic power.
"It went according to plan. I'll come after what you cherish soon enough."
He held himself together until back at Avengers Tower. Agitated and fearful, he brusquely brushed off thanks and concern alike. Loki stormed into Natasha's suite, feeling crazed. It looked empty and was quiet. He couldn't find Natasha, but Rose was asleep in her crib. Natasha would never be negligent, something must have happened to her. the bastard got her. He got out of police custody and arrived ahead of Loki, knowing full well who he was thanks to his arrogance. Panic rose up, sharp and painful, the intensity threatening to choke him.
Then he noticed the bathroom door was open, the light on. The baby monitor wasn't in the charging cradle. Natasha had laid out clothes carefully on the bed.
Oh. Oh. Just a bath, nothing more dangerous than that.
Mesmero had tricked the trickster god himself.
He moved to the doorway of the bathroom and saw Natasha in a bubble bath, shaving her legs. She looked up at him and then put the razor aside with a frown. "Are you all right? Did something happen?"
"I..." he began, feeling foolish. Then he noticed a flash of green on her finger. "You're wearing my ring."
"It matches what I'm going to wear."
"You're wearing it now," he murmured, crashing to his knees beside the tub. "And you so rarely wear jewelry if you don't have to. Each piece is carefully chosen if you do."
"I suppose," she agreed softly.
"You care, don't you?" he asked, trailing his fingers along her knee.
"It's complicated," she hedged.
But even that not-answer was an answer, and Loki couldn't stop the grin that stretched across his face. His fingers slid down her thigh, beneath the bubbles and water. "I suppose so," he said, though his heart sang. It was silly and stupid, but she wanted him, she was tied to him, she didn't hate him, she might actually care for him even if she didn't always like him or what he did. Loki could live with that. He certainly had less than that before he had been sent to Midgard this time around.
He belonged here, with her and with his daughter. They were family, this was home, he had a place to belong.
"What?" she asked, looking at him askance.
"You care for me," he said, grinning at her. She rolled her eyes and let out a huff of breath as if annoyed, but he started laughing softly. He found the juncture of her thighs beneath the water and started to stroke her. "Perhaps you didn't plan on this, or wanted it, but you do care. That ring was my promise to you," he continued when her breath hitched a little. "I still keep it. I still mean it."
"Maybe you're reading more into this," she challenged, chin lifting a notch. But her chest heaved with the effort to maintain her breathing, and there was a flush rising in her cheeks. It was more than just the warm bath water.
"I would see you happy, Natasha," he murmured, leaning closer to her. "You would not appreciate promises to raze the skies in your name, and Rose would not understand it. When she does, I don't think she would like it, either. This is your home, and now it is mine as well. I don't want to destroy this world or even the people in it. Most of the time anyway," he added with a wry smile.
"Understandable," Natasha said with an answering smirk. Her breath caught as he slipped a finger into her, slowly exploring her. "Loki..."
"I would see you both safe and happy, however that would be so, even if someday it is not with me."
"Could you really be that selfless?" she asked, reaching up to touch his face.
"For you, I would."
Loki leaned in over the edge of the tub and kissed her, tongue sliding between her parted lips. She tightened her grasp on his arm, her other hand gripping the side of the tub. It didn't even occur to Loki that she could have taken her safety razor to slice his skin or pulled his head down into the tub to drown him. He only thought of the way she felt around his fingers, the way she kissed him back. It took time, but he worked her to orgasm and cradled her until she came down from it, unmindful of how wet or soapy his clothing got. He let go slowly, then moved to get up.
"Wait," Natasha said, reaching for him and licking her lips. "Take off your clothes and join me. The tub's big enough for two."
When he did just that, she pulled him down on top of her. Their mouths met in an intense kiss, and she reached between their bodies to guide his cock into her. Natasha didn't even let him pull back to ask if she was sure about this, and caressed his back as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Loki started slowly, letting her get accustomed to him again, then grinned wolfishly when she grasped his ass to urge him to move faster. "Natasha," he began, his voice little more than a moan.
"This feels good," she told him, gasping for breath. "Right there. Just keep hitting that spot right there..."
He absolutely cheated and used a thread of magic to stay erect. There was no other way he could stay hard when she tightened around his cock or moaned as she told him how good it felt. Grasping her tightly in his arms, Loki moved hard and fast, just as she wanted him to, just as he needed to do. It felt like an eternity since he had last been inside her, and her mouth simply wasn't a good enough substitute for this. He came twice before she did, shuddering beneath him with her nails scoring lines down his back. That felt amazingly good, and he held onto her tightly, as if he could slide inside her skin and stay there. Natasha was flushed, chest heaving with each breath, and he didn't think she was faking it. Loki liked to think he knew her well enough by now to realize when she was lying or faking an emotion.
They didn't move until they heard a faint cry from the nursery. Loki sagged against her and blew out a frustrated breath. "I'll get her."
"I don't think I have any bottles prepared..."
"One of your friends purchased formula for emergencies," Loki sighed, withdrawing from her warmth. "You finish your bath, I'll take care of this." He dropped a kiss onto her forehead and pushed himself up from the tub.
Loki grinned in response to her quiet surprise and started to dry off. "She and I have an understanding, remember? I'll be fine."
And amazingly enough, he was. Oh, she still squirmed something awful while in his arms and he loathed changing her diapers. But Rose looked up at him and smiled, her gummy grin stopping his heart as if she had taken it inside her chubby fist and squeezed tightly. He showered her face in kisses, and his daughter laughed and smiled at him, and Loki wanted to shout to the heavens in delight at such a change in her. This is my daughter, he would say. This is my child. Harm her at your peril!
Natasha stood in the doorway when he was done feeding her the formula, burping her and singing softly in Allspeak. It was a slow ballad, a favorite composition he recalled from his boyhood. Rose was chewing on his shoulder and seemed to be content, even if she clearly still preferred Natasha. He saw her smile at the sight of him and their daughter, her body loose and relaxed.
"Come here," he said, gesturing for her to approach. "She still likes you more."
"I'm going to need to..." She trailed off and vaguely gestured at her chest. "Probably should have done that before the bath. Hot water increases the milk production."
"Then you'll be able to keep ahead of her needs a bit," Loki murmured.
Natasha had that smile on her face still. "You're good with her. I didn't think you would be," she admitted.
"I didn't think I would be either. Sometimes I don't think I am."
"Right now, you are."
Loki stroked her back, aware of his possessive feelings. "Right now, I feel good enough."
Now she grinned at him. "Sometimes, I think that's all we can ask for."
He nodded, holding on to Rose and this perfect moment of contentment.
***
Loki stared at his cuffs in his office. His office. It felt as if that made him something like a domesticated cat. A number of runic patterns didn't make sense in the context of the cuffs, and combed through the entire contents of the library he had access to, not finding anything. But Frigga knew all the ørlögs of the wyrd, and not all of them translated well to runic magic. She was one of the few practitioners still left alive that were versed in all of the ørlögs, let alone able to manipulate the wyrd and contain it.
What was she doing to him? What had she done to him already?
"Hey, Horns," Tony called from the doorway, taking in the wreckage of his office. He even sounded amused. Really? Was he to have no peace, no solitude?
"What do you want?" Loki snarled, not even looking toward Tony. Natasha and Rose were with Pepper, Jane, Darcy and Susan. It was a gaggle of females drooling over babies, and Loki wanted no part in that, even if they had thought it was a good idea. He had things to do. Runes to research. What had Frigga done?
"You never did ask what Bruce and I did with the genetic data we stole from SHILD."
"What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"We got some material from Thor and Frigga," Tony continued blithely, ignoring Loki's snarl. "Ran those to sequence. Now, we understand they're not related to you in a biological sense, but those are the only Asgardians we regularly have access to that would be invested enough to go along with our shenanigans."
"Speak sense, Stark," Loki snarled, whirling around and temporarily giving up searching for the runes that Frigga had used.
"We have some idea what an Asgardian DNA profile should look like now. If we use Thor and Frigga as templates, anyway. We have Natasha's DNA. We stole Rose's DNA. We even have your DNA on file. Ran everything through various sequencers and did comparisons. Not that we had to run it to make sure you're the baby daddy, that much is pretty damn obvious even if the reasoning isn't-"
"Get to the point!"
Tony cleared his throat. "Well. Frigga said she could probably get her hands on some Jotun DNA to be sure, and I don't want to ask how she proposes to do that. But," he hastily said when Loki bared his teeth, "it appears that your own sequence has quite a few Asgardian markers in it. There's a fair number of genes we would think are specific to only Asgardians, actually, because they sure as hell don't show up in human DNA, but you've got 'em, Thor's got 'em, Frigga's got 'em, and Rose has got 'em. Don't know what they do yet, but hey, we'll figure it out if we have time enough."
Loki stared at Tony, letting the words wash over him. He had Asgardian genetics? But that was impossible. Wasn't it?
"There must be some mistake," Loki said faintly.
"Well, unless it's not specific to Asgardians after all, who knows. But we did check about a dozen times, and there was no cross contamination in any of the PCR runs, the samples were pure and clean in each well, and it absolutely positively ID's you as Rose's father, if you ever were in doubt-"
"Do not slander Natasha," Loki growled, baring his teeth at Tony.
Tony raised his hands in mock surrender. "Hey. I know what she said, what you didn't say, by the way, and that there are secrets breeding even more damn secrets between you two. For all we knew, you could've been a cover story."
Raising himself to his full height, Loki glared at Tony. "What else do you have to say?"
Sighing, Tony shook his head. "Just figured you would want to know about that. Because then there might be something wonky with you, not with Rose. We don't know about any of this, really."
Loki closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. "Frigga knows all of the ørlögs, and she is one of the few that can manipulate the wyrd and contain it."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, I suspect this is her doing," Loki replied, letting his eyes snap open and clearly display his ire.
Now he really needed to find those runes she crafted onto his cuffs.
Tony didn't heed the warning in Loki's stance. He stepped into the room, and looked around thoughtfully. "Usually you keep it a lot neater, from what I've seen. This is a mess. Now, I know they say creative minds are-"
"Get out!"
He didn't respond to the implied threat in Loki's tone. "Listen here, Horns, you live in my house because I allow it and for some reason I actually like New York looking the way it does now, rather than whatever shithole you'd turn it into if you were let loose or under SHIELD watch. Whatever bullshit's got you upset, yelling at me won't solve a damn thing."
All right, he made sense. But Loki still wasn't pleased with him, didn't want anything to do with him. "You do not understand the enormity of what's here, or the damage that you would do if left with my instruments unchecked," Loki spat, managing not to push Tony out of the office.
Tony made a big show of holding out a finger to touch a scroll, a smirk on his lips.
"Do you like others invading your workshop?" Loki asked, voice sharp. "Do you enjoy them touching your tools? Altering your designs?" When Tony straightened and whipped his hands away, Loki knew that he understood. "Magic is a craft, not some kind of toy. It's not a game. It's precise, nuanced in every way. It is reshaping reality in a way your mind cannot comprehend."
"Seems like quantum mechanics to me," Tony replied, crossing his arms over his chest, and making an insouciant face. "And that, I do understand."
Loki thrust out his wrists to display the cuffs. "Then tell me what this is, Stark," he hissed, eyes flashing. "Tell me what your precious quantum mechanics can make of these markings, then. Tell me what your science says of magic."
Unsurprisingly, Tony observed the markings without touching the cuffs, bending over at the waist with his arms still crossed. He made little humming noises as he looked, not seemingly aware of it. Loki found it fascinating, as he himself sometimes had a similar response to a particularly intriguing puzzle. Loki was startled when Tony uncrossed his arms to grasp the cuffs and turn them.
"Huh. Dunno about the runes and whatnot, but I do see quite a bit of Greek in there, looks like mathematical formulae mixed in. I'd have to brush up on my ancient Greek, but it looks a lot like stress equations I'd use for pressure testing bots."
"What?" Loki asked dumbly, blinking at Tony. If this was Greek, no wonder he couldn't find the markings in his texts. "How would Frigga know that?"
"She knows logs, you said?" Tony asked, letting go of the cuffs and straightening. "That certainly looks like it. My guess, not knowing about what the runes say, is that they'd be unlocked in a logarithmic manner."
Scowling, Loki managed to keep from snatching his wrists back in an ungrateful manner, and nodded at Tony. "She knows great intricacies in the craft."
"And Jane likes to remind us that your magic is our advanced quantum mechanics, theoretical astrophysics and string theory all mixed together. I should talk to her about that on her next visit. Natasha said she likes telling stories and teaching." Tony actually brightened, as the higher sciences and mathematics discussion was enjoyable. Loki far preferred to call it magic and study it alone.
"To what end?" Loki asked with a frown. Something was nagging at him, as if he had forgotten something important.
"Why not?" Tony asked, as if he often pursued various complicated lines of inquiry for the thrill of it, as opposed to any real need of it.
"You can't practice magic."
"So? The quantum mechanics, though... That might increase output on the molecular generators we've been working, stabilize the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, even work out some of the kinks in our genetic models."
There, that was it. That was what Loki had forgotten to press Tony about. The man's mind was a warren of random things that somehow seemed to work the way he needed it to. "Because you don't see how I could possibly have Asgardian genes."
"Well, it's integrated seamlessly, so my guess is, they're either not Asgardian markers alone, or you have some Asgardian heritage after all." Tony shrugged as if that didn't matter, and to him it probably didn't. "You'd have to ask her."
Loki didn't wish to, and didn't wish to seem like an ingrate in front of Tony. Some of his reluctance must have shown, because Tony shrugged. "Or not. Maybe Thor could ask her for you, but then that means you'd have to talk to Thor. And really, you should talk to him sometime. You make the big guy all pouty."
That stung, though he didn't want Tony to know that. "I didn't ask you."
Tony actually grinned at him. "I know. But that's me being a decent human being for a change. I am capable of that on occasion."
With no reply for him, Loki just watched Tony turn and leave. It did get the wheels in Loki's mind turning, though. He and Thor had been close once, and he did get lonely. Not that he would ever admit such a thing, of course.
But then, the truth never did care overmuch with what he thought about it.
***
Deciding that trying to manipulate Thor out in the open would appear malicious, Loki sat in Natasha's suite to brood. There had to be a way to nonchalantly steer the conversation to his adopted status and ask about his origins. Thor had to know something to belittle his viewpoint so much as a child. Surely Thor hadn't been that thoughtless growing up.
"Uh oh," Natasha began in a teasing note as she rocked Rose in her arms, settling her down to sleep. "You're thinking of something mean, aren't you?"
Startled, Loki merely shook his head. "I'm actually not."
She sat down next to him on the settee, bumping his shoulder gently. "So what's on your mind, then?"
Loki hesitated for a moment, concerned she would find it silly. Taking a deep breath, he decided to start with what Tony had told him and confide in her what his worries were in getting Thor to talk. Natasha usually had a handle on how people functioned, so she could possibly help him find an angle to broach the subject with Thor. He frowned at her pause. "What? What is it?"
"You don't need to manipulate Thor for that."
"Just asking the oaf will work?"
Natasha sighed. "Don't call him that. He genuinely cares for you. And he has no idea about your history. No, I meant that you don't have to ask Thor to ask Frigga."
"I won't ask her, Natasha. I can't trust her."
"She told me a story about your origins. I didn't think she was lying to me then, and it fits what Tony found."
Loki sat there stunned as Natasha told him what she had heard from Frigga nearly two months before. Then he dropped his gaze to Rose, nestled comfortably in Natasha's arms, sleeping soundly. "All this time..."
"I thought you'd ask her if you needed to know..."
"Not that," Loki interrupted with an irritated shake of his head. "I'm not upset with you, Natasha. Or even her. I never asked when I found out Odin stole me."
"If your birth parents are really a Jotun and an Asgardian, maybe they put you in his path to try to protect you."
That startled him. "What do you mean, protect me? Exposing me to the elements? Even with Jotun heritage, that would kill an infant."
"But what if they had to hide you? Like we hide Rose? What if that was the only way to try to keep you safe? Where else could you be safe but in Odin's home?"
His mouth opened, then shut. "Oh," he said softly. "Oh. I had not considered that at all." His gaze slid away from her earnest ones. "I thought they considered me a monster. That I was to be destroyed."
"Of course you did," Natasha said with a sigh. Before he could say something in response, she shook her head. "Because they don't think to talk about anything in Asgard, and assume too many unspoken things are known. You have to be told things. You don't automatically know them."
"And you know this because you slide between assumptions. You hide behind them."
"Well, yes. It's what I do."
"And the compassion you once said I had to have for myself," Loki continued, gazing at her as she stood to put Rose in her crib. "You don't actually have any for yourself, do you? That's why you work so tirelessly. That's why you sacrifice. You don't believe you deserve forgiveness." He rose and followed her when she retreated to Rose's room. "It's why you targeted me. It's why you stay, even when I try your patience."
"You're not the easiest to get along with," she temporized, not looking at him.
That didn't even feel like a barb, and Loki was aware that it would have sent him into paroxysms of rage if Thor or Frigga said such a thing. "We are of the same kind, are we not? Able to forgive certain things in others, but never of ourselves." He touched her shoulder as she tucked in Rose. "We're lost, and never knew it."
Natasha lifted her head to look at him. "Maybe," she hedged with a sigh. "But I'm learning to rely on others for things. I'm really not trying to do it all myself."
"I noticed that," Loki said, running his fingers down her arm. "I'm... I'm trying to accept this as my home. And others here as allies. It's... Sometimes it works."
She caught his wrist in her hand, trapping his hand against her arm. "And these change as you do, Frigga said."
Loki stared at her intently. "Am I truly changing, Natasha?"
"Your innermost self? I don't think so," she said in a quiet tone. "But I think you're starting to realize who is an enemy and who isn't. I think you're starting to learn how to deal with what life throws at you." Her lips quirked into a smile. "I don't think anyone can really change who they are."
"So you were always this loyal." He saw her expression freeze for a scant second, only because he was watching her so intently. "You were always invested in the welfare of others. That training facility couldn't take that out of you."
Her breath came out slowly. "I suppose that's true."
He drew her into her bedroom and kissed her thoroughly. "I have come to care for that part of you," he said quietly. "I always had regard for your skill, for dedication and mastery. For the physical, of course," he added with a sardonic smile. "But I believe I have learned much by watching you."
Natasha still had the quirky smile on her face. "I'll take it as a compliment."
"It was one, indeed."
She responded to his kiss, even drawing him back to her bed. They undressed in silence, movements as coordinated as they were when this liaison started. She directed him to use lube to get her ready, and it was actually something Loki enjoyed doing. Slicked fingers inside her, he liked seeing her response to his touch. He liked knowing he had an effect on her, that he could make her lose control, that she wouldn't hold herself so tightly while he was with her. It was effort, but all worthwhile things required effort.
Natasha bucked against his hand when she came, stifling a cry with her fist to keep from crying out loud enough to wake their daughter. Their daughter. The words still thrilled him, still helped him feel as though he had a place here, that he belonged. Even if there was nothing finite between him and Natasha, even if she chose not to share her bed with him again, there would be this tie still. He realized it now.
She clambered up over him and slid down over his erect cock, riding him as hard and fast as she liked it. He spilled quickly, clearly unused to the sensation, and hadn't prepared with magic well enough in advance. That was disappointing, but Natasha merely laughed at him. It wasn't a mean laugh, he knew, as he had known her ribbing earlier had been a friendly jest and not a statement meant to unman him.
"Too eager?" she teased. "You'll have to do better next time."
Next time. Always a next time.
Oh yes, this was the place he belonged.
***
Natasha wasn't terribly surprised to find that the markings on Loki's cuffs had changed yet again. Or that various attempts to draw him in had not been rebuffed. Loki was fiercely prideful but also fiercely lonely. "Make him see us as his family," she had told them quietly, "and I'll bet that he'll be responsive. He wants a family so badly, wants someone to see him as more than a freak. He's still dangerous and always will be. But if he sees us as his family, we can probably contain the violence and point it in a useful direction."
"Like you do?" Tony had asked curiously. It wasn't to belittle her or poke fun for a change, which she had appreciated.
"Yes," she had said simply.
The others had all been thoughtful about that, reaching out in little ways if they were comfortable doing so. Maybe they hadn't noticed a big change in his behavior, but she had. She noticed how he seemed more settled in his own skin, how much calmer he was with being needled, and that he didn't seem as angry as he used to be.
"Try your magic," she suggested as they sat on the rooftop together. It was a nice day out, one of the last that weathermen were predicting before fall really set in. "See how far you can go with it now."
Loki put on a dazzling display meant to impress her, and Natasha was indeed impressed by the show. But she also could see the simple joy he took in his gifts, the love he had for being looked up to. Frigga had been right to send him to Earth; no one on Asgard would look on him kindly for this, and they wouldn't look to him for advice the way humans would. He fit better here, though he still saw humans as collateral damage in the way of what he wanted. He could appreciate the ones he knew, which was at least a step in the right direction.
He sat down afterward, right at the edge of the building. "They scurry about like ants," he commented, seeing all of the people walking about down below in Midtown.
"You have about as much concern for them as if they were," Natasha commented.
Turning to face her, Loki frowned. "You disapprove. But you don't know them."
"Individually? No. There are eleven million people in Manhattan alone. I can't know all of them personally, and that would be terrible for my usual profession." She leaned back on her elbows and looked up into the clear sky, seeing the bright blue that Rose was looking at and gurgling happily about, a fist in her mouth. "But it doesn't matter what their individual stories are. They live, however it is they get through the day, and there are things that matter to them."
"So?"
"So, there are things they will never be able to understand. Things they don't see, don't know about, can't defend themselves against."
"You mean my magic."
"I mean anything," Natasha said, tilting her head down to look at him. "This is New York. It's a terrorist target and a mecca for multiple nations to visit. Even Asgardians come here," she said with a wry smile. "How many people would even know how to defuse a bomb? Defend themselves against a magic user?"
Loki snorted. "They kill each other over nothing. Bits of paper that are meant to mean something," he told her derisively.
"Yes, they can. People are fragile and petty and brutal. But they can also be capable of great things. Sometimes it's a question of protecting them against the greater horrors so they can figure out how to do it."
"You mean me as a horror," Loki replied, a faint accusing thread in his voice.
"Believe it or not, Loki, you've become one of their protectors."
He froze at her direct tone and wry smile. "What."
Now her smile broadened. "How many times have you saved people on this world since you arrived with those cuffs on?"
"It was under duress," he protested, appearing discomfited. "I came here to rule, I killed thousands of these worthless mortals-"
"And how many have you saved?" she interrupted.
The only thing that broke the silence was Rose's happy burbles. Even traffic sounds seemed to be muted, distant.
"I don't know," Loki said finally, turning away from her pitiless stare.
"Then maybe you should find out. Keep a tally."
"Your ledger," he sneered, not turning around to face her.
"Yes. Because it's about balance. Everything that is life is about life. Even the means to make your body function is called homeostasis. How to keep the creation and destruction within your own body in balance. Without that balance, entropy takes over, everything goes to rot and destruction."
"That's chaos."
Natasha snorted. "You thrive in that kind of atmosphere. That's where you could do the most good."
"Or the most damage," he snapped, turning back to face her with eyes blazing. "Don't you know? That's all I'm good for. I beguile and destroy. The darkness to Thor's light. I'm not a hero in anyone's story."
Not even his own, she knew. She only lofted an eyebrow. "I didn't say you didn't destroy. But you aren't some mindless beast. You can choose what you destroy. You know how to direct the chaos. You can create balance out of it."
He could have lied and said "I don't know how," but he only shook his head. "Natasha-"
"There has to be a reason for you to stay," she said softly. "Not just for Rose, not just for me. You might grow tired of me, I might do something to lose the regard you have. Rose could grow up and be difficult. Teenagers always are, Susan tells me. She might not have magic. Or she might have magic you don't understand. If either of us makes you unhappy, what will you have here?"
Loki's jaw tightened, and she knew she struck a nerve for him. "I am not good."
"I'm not asking you to be. I've never asked you to be."
He let out a breath, nodding slightly to acknowledge it was true. "Then what?"
"Darkness and light are absolute concepts. Thor has said some pretty shitty things, and I'm sure he has asshole moments, too. No one exists in absolutes. You're capable of kind acts on occasion. You're not completely a creature of destruction."
"I don't want to be a caricature of goodness," Loki said finally, avoiding her gaze.
"Do you think that's what I am?"
"No, I don't suppose you are."
"I have to do some really vile things sometimes. I've killed, lied, seduced and stolen, all in the name of a greater good. I can only hope it really is good, but I don't know. What I do know is that for all the awful things I've done, I've helped to destroy the greater evils out there. I do the things others can't in order to maintain the overall balance. Life goes on, the horrible people gets what's coming to them... I'm sure the same will happen to me someday." She shrugged at Loki's incredulous stare. "I'm not going to lie to myself and say that my crimes don't count. Of course they do. But if I do them, someone else won't have to. Someone else gets to live."
"You think it's that simple?"
Her smile was heartbreakingly sad. "I know it isn't. But that's how I keep going. I didn't destroy the Red Room just to let my own conscience kill me."
"And you think I can do the same as you."
She nodded. "If you want to. If you feel this place could be a home for you."
He looked over at Rose, who had fallen asleep with her limbs splayed out. She still napped throughout most of the day, though when awake she was more alert and able to interact now. As far as Natasha knew, she was developing along the human track, so her lifespan likely wouldn't measure in the thousands of years. She would grow, someday ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions, and have to decide for herself if her parents were evil, monstrous people.
Natasha hoped she wouldn't think so.
"I'd like that," Loki said softly. "But it isn't so simple to begin again."
"Nothing worthwhile is easy," Natasha said quietly. "That's how you know it's worthwhile. The easy stuff isn't valued."
"I don't have to be friends with Thor, do I?" he asked mulishly.
She only laughed and laid on her back beside her daughter. He would have to figure that one out for himself.
The End
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to Thor 2.
This is the fault of phoenixrising06/
romanovasledger during all of our characterization discussions. Still, not sorry for this. :)
Summary: Natasha and Loki had a thing, no emotions or strings attached. Until they accidentally created one.
Prior chapters:
One - Accidents
Two - Decisions
Three - Bindings
Four - Fears
Five - Confidences
Six - Stories
Seven - Emotions
Eight - Threats
Lying on his back beside Rose in the front of the theater room, he projected images of the cosmos and patiently explained them all. She seemed to enjoy the glittering images, flailing her arms and legs, burbling happily. Sometimes he slipped into Allspeak, but he knew Natasha slipped into Russian or French at times. It was good for Rose's developing brain according to human research, so neither of them worked to fall out of the habit. She was too young to know what words were anyway. It was the cadence of language that mattered now, the emotion conveyed in it. So Loki showed her the best and brightest parts of the universe, not the darker places he'd been to.
"Isn't she a little young for astronomy lessons?" Clint asked from the doorway to the theater room.
Loki scowled up at the dazzling nebula above him and Rose. "It's more to make her feel the universe isn't a scary place."
"Oh. Is it?"
Clint's tone was one of curiosity, not derision. "It can be," Loki said quietly. "Quite a bit of it can be, actually."
"Huh." Clint entered the theater room and plunked down into one of the seats, legs sprawled in front of him and hands folded neatly on his stomach. "I've never been anywhere before SHIELD. And after I joined up, no real opportunity for stargazing or wondering about life out there."
That was possibly the most honest and revealing piece of information that Clint had willingly given him, so Loki didn't tell him that he knew that from his time controlling Clint via the Tesseract. He merely made a thoughtful sound, staring at the nebula and listening to Rose coo.
"I liked this place," Loki murmured, deciding to give Clint a piece of truth in return. "It is quiet there, peaceful. None deem it worthy of notice, as there is no sentient life within it, just scattered flora and small fauna on the planets with atmosphere. One in particular was my favorite. Thin, breathable air, sky tinged a teal color. I scattered seeds from Asgard once, to see if they would take root. Some did. The place was a riot of color and life when I returned. That was hundreds of your years ago. I wonder what it looks like now."
"Probably a jungle, then."
"Probably."
"Teal sky, huh? Weird."
"I liked it."
"I would guess your favorite color is green," Clint commented.
Loki chuckled. He did wear a lot of the color. "I suppose it's easy to tell, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Loki could hear the smile in Clint's voice. "You know, it's easy to fuck up as a parent." The words were harsh, almost abrupt. "Kids don't come with a manual. It's too easy to screw something up, and parents are just people. Flawed and awful sometimes, or fragile. Or broken."
There was a distance in Clint's voice that told Loki to tread carefully. This was Natasha's friend, one of Rose's honorary uncles. This was also a man that had cheerfully offered to slit his throat when he first arrived at Avengers Tower.
"Why do you say that?" Loki asked quietly.
"My Mom skipped out early. My Dad was an asshole abusive drunk. Brother wasn't much better," Clint told him, words clipped and precise. Not a sore point, but not something to be discussed in detail. "Not the same as yours."
"No," Loki replied slowly, wondering what his point was. "Not the same."
"Not that it's not hurtful to find out that you were part of a game between them," Clint continued, and Loki's heart seized. "Just different. I think it hurts worse if you idealize someone and then realize they're flawed just as much as the rest of us."
"You think I should forgive Frigga."
"I think you can do what you damn well please. She said you're over a thousand years old, Loki. You're a goddamn adult. You don't need her to tell you what to do. And you've got a kid now. You have to man up and be a father. Don't be a shitty one."
His tone was matter of fact, not lecturing, which Loki appreciated. "Man up," he mused, finding the phrasing funny.
"Yeah," Clint said, shrugging. "Basically, grow the fuck up."
"In that case, please refrain from using profanity around my daughter. I'd rather she not speak as though she was a gutter snipe."
He laughed in response, grinning up at the nebula. "Yeah. I can give that a try."
"My thanks." Loki paused, then changed the image above them into Asgard. "This is Asgard. This is where I grew up."
"Huh. Pretty," Clint replied as Rose burbled. He truly was a man of understatement sometimes. "Very... gold."
"Yes, it is. It's the shining city of the Nine Realms. Timeless. Unchanging." Loki could hear the emotion in his voice and was grateful for the darkness of the room.
"In that case, it's a good thing you're here," Clint replied easily.
"Why? The rule of Asgard-"
"Is bullshit," Clint interrupted with a snort. "If nothing changes, you don't grow. That's a fact. You need challenges. You need conflict. Thor says the best thing that happened to him was being sent here. It forced him to really look around himself and see people, not just war and conquest. I think being here can do the same for you, if you let it."
"And if I don't?"
"Then you're just being willfully stupid."
Now it was Loki's turn to snort. "That is not a term ever used with me before."
"Yeah, well, I think we've already established that the people on Asgard don't know what the hell to do with you."
"Fair point," Loki replied. He had taken that as a point of pride, actually.
"So you really are in the right place, then," Clint said, shifting to push himself up to his feet. "Welcome to the freak show."
"What?"
"Carnivals used to have displays for oddities. What do you think we are? It's a tower full of the freaks nobody on earth knows what to do with. Might as well gather together."
It was said so matter of factly that Loki immediately rose to a sitting position to observe Clint in the golden glow of Asgard's image. "I thought you hated me."
"Oh, I can't stand you," Clint said easily. "You're an asshole that thinks you're better than the rest of us when you're not. You don't know nice even if it knocks you upside the head, and you're a self-serving bastard. Don't think I don't know how you made Natasha cry. I will never forgive you for that or the Tesseract mind rape."
"Then how can you even speak with me?"
"Because you're Rose's father. I can work with people I don't like. I do it all the time." He gave Loki a chilling smile that looked even more eerie because of the shadows shifting across his face. "And if you hurt anyone else ever again, I will take it upon myself to personally teach you what it means to have your ass handed to you."
"You think you can best me?" Loki cried incredulously.
"Oh, I know I can. And even if for some reason I can't? Everyone else in this tower will help me do it. Everyone. You can't afford to burn your last bridges."
While Loki was sure he was missing something in the metaphors, he was sure he understood the gist of it quite well. Clint gave him a curt nod, then stalked out, leaving him behind with Rose, still cooing innocently on the floor at the sight of Asgard. Loki shut his eyes and took a deep breath.
This was his home now. This was Rose's home. He caused this problem. He did this, and he would have to fix it on his own somehow.
***
While Natasha certainly put in her hours of training, Clint and Steve asked her to stay behind on the latest call for the Avengers. She compressed her lips unhappily and nearly glared at them. "You think I can't handle it now that I have a child," she hissed angrily.
"Tash," Clint said gently, "He brainwashes his victims. The SHIELD team that went in lost three people."
"Then why are you going in?" she accused.
"I'm not," Clint corrected. "SHIELD's calling me in to train noobs," he said. "They want me as far away from this guy as possible, too. I told them I'd cover the training, you had your own bolthole to go to."
Natasha visibly relaxed. "Oh. Oh. Thank you, Clint."
"Hey," Clint said softly, pulling her into a tight hug. "You of all people should know how I feel about you. You took care of yourself before you worked for SHIELD and even pregnant you could kick ass. But they don't know how this guy is doing it, if it's magic or auditory cues or pheromones or some shit even SHIELD hasn't tested yet. Everyone vulnerable to mind control is being sent into hiding to keep their minds safe."
She hugged him back tightly. "You stay safe, Clint. If you get mind controlled again, I will beat it out of you."
Clint laughed easily. "That is how they got the other agents back, by the way. Though apparently they didn't get it right on the first try."
"Amateurs," she replied dryly with a smirk.
Loki was sent in with the other Avengers in case the mind control truly was magic as the man claimed. Dressed in full green, gold and black regalia, Loki stared intently at the man terrorizing the denizens of Wall Street. He appeared to be of average height, with nondescript clothing, brown hair, pale skin, and green eyes. He also appeared to be floating. However, Loki could see past it immediately; it was no illusion spell but a low grade hypnotism field. Those who were weak of will couldn't fight against it, and saw whatever this man wanted them to see, and obeyed him to the best of their ability. Loki could see the green skin and hair, red eyes and yellow pupils.
"You're a mutant," Loki declared. "There is nothing magical about you whatsoever." The decreased restrictions on his magic meant that he could reduce the man's hypnotic field and expose him for the thief he was. "Bow before true mastery of the seidr and see you have nothing."
It was easy to bind the man's skills, to leave him in handcuffs with the police, essentially stripped of his powers. The Avengers were left to tend to the weak minded fools that the man had manipulated and do crowd control.
But the man, who identified himself alternately as Mesmero or Vincent to various police inquiries, had one last trick up his sleeve. When Loki came close enough to gloat over the easy capture, Mesmero just smiled and whispered. Loki bent closer to hear his words, forgetting that he was well within what was left of his hypnotic power.
"It went according to plan. I'll come after what you cherish soon enough."
He held himself together until back at Avengers Tower. Agitated and fearful, he brusquely brushed off thanks and concern alike. Loki stormed into Natasha's suite, feeling crazed. It looked empty and was quiet. He couldn't find Natasha, but Rose was asleep in her crib. Natasha would never be negligent, something must have happened to her. the bastard got her. He got out of police custody and arrived ahead of Loki, knowing full well who he was thanks to his arrogance. Panic rose up, sharp and painful, the intensity threatening to choke him.
Then he noticed the bathroom door was open, the light on. The baby monitor wasn't in the charging cradle. Natasha had laid out clothes carefully on the bed.
Oh. Oh. Just a bath, nothing more dangerous than that.
Mesmero had tricked the trickster god himself.
He moved to the doorway of the bathroom and saw Natasha in a bubble bath, shaving her legs. She looked up at him and then put the razor aside with a frown. "Are you all right? Did something happen?"
"I..." he began, feeling foolish. Then he noticed a flash of green on her finger. "You're wearing my ring."
"It matches what I'm going to wear."
"You're wearing it now," he murmured, crashing to his knees beside the tub. "And you so rarely wear jewelry if you don't have to. Each piece is carefully chosen if you do."
"I suppose," she agreed softly.
"You care, don't you?" he asked, trailing his fingers along her knee.
"It's complicated," she hedged.
But even that not-answer was an answer, and Loki couldn't stop the grin that stretched across his face. His fingers slid down her thigh, beneath the bubbles and water. "I suppose so," he said, though his heart sang. It was silly and stupid, but she wanted him, she was tied to him, she didn't hate him, she might actually care for him even if she didn't always like him or what he did. Loki could live with that. He certainly had less than that before he had been sent to Midgard this time around.
He belonged here, with her and with his daughter. They were family, this was home, he had a place to belong.
"What?" she asked, looking at him askance.
"You care for me," he said, grinning at her. She rolled her eyes and let out a huff of breath as if annoyed, but he started laughing softly. He found the juncture of her thighs beneath the water and started to stroke her. "Perhaps you didn't plan on this, or wanted it, but you do care. That ring was my promise to you," he continued when her breath hitched a little. "I still keep it. I still mean it."
"Maybe you're reading more into this," she challenged, chin lifting a notch. But her chest heaved with the effort to maintain her breathing, and there was a flush rising in her cheeks. It was more than just the warm bath water.
"I would see you happy, Natasha," he murmured, leaning closer to her. "You would not appreciate promises to raze the skies in your name, and Rose would not understand it. When she does, I don't think she would like it, either. This is your home, and now it is mine as well. I don't want to destroy this world or even the people in it. Most of the time anyway," he added with a wry smile.
"Understandable," Natasha said with an answering smirk. Her breath caught as he slipped a finger into her, slowly exploring her. "Loki..."
"I would see you both safe and happy, however that would be so, even if someday it is not with me."
"Could you really be that selfless?" she asked, reaching up to touch his face.
"For you, I would."
Loki leaned in over the edge of the tub and kissed her, tongue sliding between her parted lips. She tightened her grasp on his arm, her other hand gripping the side of the tub. It didn't even occur to Loki that she could have taken her safety razor to slice his skin or pulled his head down into the tub to drown him. He only thought of the way she felt around his fingers, the way she kissed him back. It took time, but he worked her to orgasm and cradled her until she came down from it, unmindful of how wet or soapy his clothing got. He let go slowly, then moved to get up.
"Wait," Natasha said, reaching for him and licking her lips. "Take off your clothes and join me. The tub's big enough for two."
When he did just that, she pulled him down on top of her. Their mouths met in an intense kiss, and she reached between their bodies to guide his cock into her. Natasha didn't even let him pull back to ask if she was sure about this, and caressed his back as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Loki started slowly, letting her get accustomed to him again, then grinned wolfishly when she grasped his ass to urge him to move faster. "Natasha," he began, his voice little more than a moan.
"This feels good," she told him, gasping for breath. "Right there. Just keep hitting that spot right there..."
He absolutely cheated and used a thread of magic to stay erect. There was no other way he could stay hard when she tightened around his cock or moaned as she told him how good it felt. Grasping her tightly in his arms, Loki moved hard and fast, just as she wanted him to, just as he needed to do. It felt like an eternity since he had last been inside her, and her mouth simply wasn't a good enough substitute for this. He came twice before she did, shuddering beneath him with her nails scoring lines down his back. That felt amazingly good, and he held onto her tightly, as if he could slide inside her skin and stay there. Natasha was flushed, chest heaving with each breath, and he didn't think she was faking it. Loki liked to think he knew her well enough by now to realize when she was lying or faking an emotion.
They didn't move until they heard a faint cry from the nursery. Loki sagged against her and blew out a frustrated breath. "I'll get her."
"I don't think I have any bottles prepared..."
"One of your friends purchased formula for emergencies," Loki sighed, withdrawing from her warmth. "You finish your bath, I'll take care of this." He dropped a kiss onto her forehead and pushed himself up from the tub.
Loki grinned in response to her quiet surprise and started to dry off. "She and I have an understanding, remember? I'll be fine."
And amazingly enough, he was. Oh, she still squirmed something awful while in his arms and he loathed changing her diapers. But Rose looked up at him and smiled, her gummy grin stopping his heart as if she had taken it inside her chubby fist and squeezed tightly. He showered her face in kisses, and his daughter laughed and smiled at him, and Loki wanted to shout to the heavens in delight at such a change in her. This is my daughter, he would say. This is my child. Harm her at your peril!
Natasha stood in the doorway when he was done feeding her the formula, burping her and singing softly in Allspeak. It was a slow ballad, a favorite composition he recalled from his boyhood. Rose was chewing on his shoulder and seemed to be content, even if she clearly still preferred Natasha. He saw her smile at the sight of him and their daughter, her body loose and relaxed.
"Come here," he said, gesturing for her to approach. "She still likes you more."
"I'm going to need to..." She trailed off and vaguely gestured at her chest. "Probably should have done that before the bath. Hot water increases the milk production."
"Then you'll be able to keep ahead of her needs a bit," Loki murmured.
Natasha had that smile on her face still. "You're good with her. I didn't think you would be," she admitted.
"I didn't think I would be either. Sometimes I don't think I am."
"Right now, you are."
Loki stroked her back, aware of his possessive feelings. "Right now, I feel good enough."
Now she grinned at him. "Sometimes, I think that's all we can ask for."
He nodded, holding on to Rose and this perfect moment of contentment.
***
Loki stared at his cuffs in his office. His office. It felt as if that made him something like a domesticated cat. A number of runic patterns didn't make sense in the context of the cuffs, and combed through the entire contents of the library he had access to, not finding anything. But Frigga knew all the ørlögs of the wyrd, and not all of them translated well to runic magic. She was one of the few practitioners still left alive that were versed in all of the ørlögs, let alone able to manipulate the wyrd and contain it.
What was she doing to him? What had she done to him already?
"Hey, Horns," Tony called from the doorway, taking in the wreckage of his office. He even sounded amused. Really? Was he to have no peace, no solitude?
"What do you want?" Loki snarled, not even looking toward Tony. Natasha and Rose were with Pepper, Jane, Darcy and Susan. It was a gaggle of females drooling over babies, and Loki wanted no part in that, even if they had thought it was a good idea. He had things to do. Runes to research. What had Frigga done?
"You never did ask what Bruce and I did with the genetic data we stole from SHILD."
"What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"We got some material from Thor and Frigga," Tony continued blithely, ignoring Loki's snarl. "Ran those to sequence. Now, we understand they're not related to you in a biological sense, but those are the only Asgardians we regularly have access to that would be invested enough to go along with our shenanigans."
"Speak sense, Stark," Loki snarled, whirling around and temporarily giving up searching for the runes that Frigga had used.
"We have some idea what an Asgardian DNA profile should look like now. If we use Thor and Frigga as templates, anyway. We have Natasha's DNA. We stole Rose's DNA. We even have your DNA on file. Ran everything through various sequencers and did comparisons. Not that we had to run it to make sure you're the baby daddy, that much is pretty damn obvious even if the reasoning isn't-"
"Get to the point!"
Tony cleared his throat. "Well. Frigga said she could probably get her hands on some Jotun DNA to be sure, and I don't want to ask how she proposes to do that. But," he hastily said when Loki bared his teeth, "it appears that your own sequence has quite a few Asgardian markers in it. There's a fair number of genes we would think are specific to only Asgardians, actually, because they sure as hell don't show up in human DNA, but you've got 'em, Thor's got 'em, Frigga's got 'em, and Rose has got 'em. Don't know what they do yet, but hey, we'll figure it out if we have time enough."
Loki stared at Tony, letting the words wash over him. He had Asgardian genetics? But that was impossible. Wasn't it?
"There must be some mistake," Loki said faintly.
"Well, unless it's not specific to Asgardians after all, who knows. But we did check about a dozen times, and there was no cross contamination in any of the PCR runs, the samples were pure and clean in each well, and it absolutely positively ID's you as Rose's father, if you ever were in doubt-"
"Do not slander Natasha," Loki growled, baring his teeth at Tony.
Tony raised his hands in mock surrender. "Hey. I know what she said, what you didn't say, by the way, and that there are secrets breeding even more damn secrets between you two. For all we knew, you could've been a cover story."
Raising himself to his full height, Loki glared at Tony. "What else do you have to say?"
Sighing, Tony shook his head. "Just figured you would want to know about that. Because then there might be something wonky with you, not with Rose. We don't know about any of this, really."
Loki closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. "Frigga knows all of the ørlögs, and she is one of the few that can manipulate the wyrd and contain it."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning, I suspect this is her doing," Loki replied, letting his eyes snap open and clearly display his ire.
Now he really needed to find those runes she crafted onto his cuffs.
Tony didn't heed the warning in Loki's stance. He stepped into the room, and looked around thoughtfully. "Usually you keep it a lot neater, from what I've seen. This is a mess. Now, I know they say creative minds are-"
"Get out!"
He didn't respond to the implied threat in Loki's tone. "Listen here, Horns, you live in my house because I allow it and for some reason I actually like New York looking the way it does now, rather than whatever shithole you'd turn it into if you were let loose or under SHIELD watch. Whatever bullshit's got you upset, yelling at me won't solve a damn thing."
All right, he made sense. But Loki still wasn't pleased with him, didn't want anything to do with him. "You do not understand the enormity of what's here, or the damage that you would do if left with my instruments unchecked," Loki spat, managing not to push Tony out of the office.
Tony made a big show of holding out a finger to touch a scroll, a smirk on his lips.
"Do you like others invading your workshop?" Loki asked, voice sharp. "Do you enjoy them touching your tools? Altering your designs?" When Tony straightened and whipped his hands away, Loki knew that he understood. "Magic is a craft, not some kind of toy. It's not a game. It's precise, nuanced in every way. It is reshaping reality in a way your mind cannot comprehend."
"Seems like quantum mechanics to me," Tony replied, crossing his arms over his chest, and making an insouciant face. "And that, I do understand."
Loki thrust out his wrists to display the cuffs. "Then tell me what this is, Stark," he hissed, eyes flashing. "Tell me what your precious quantum mechanics can make of these markings, then. Tell me what your science says of magic."
Unsurprisingly, Tony observed the markings without touching the cuffs, bending over at the waist with his arms still crossed. He made little humming noises as he looked, not seemingly aware of it. Loki found it fascinating, as he himself sometimes had a similar response to a particularly intriguing puzzle. Loki was startled when Tony uncrossed his arms to grasp the cuffs and turn them.
"Huh. Dunno about the runes and whatnot, but I do see quite a bit of Greek in there, looks like mathematical formulae mixed in. I'd have to brush up on my ancient Greek, but it looks a lot like stress equations I'd use for pressure testing bots."
"What?" Loki asked dumbly, blinking at Tony. If this was Greek, no wonder he couldn't find the markings in his texts. "How would Frigga know that?"
"She knows logs, you said?" Tony asked, letting go of the cuffs and straightening. "That certainly looks like it. My guess, not knowing about what the runes say, is that they'd be unlocked in a logarithmic manner."
Scowling, Loki managed to keep from snatching his wrists back in an ungrateful manner, and nodded at Tony. "She knows great intricacies in the craft."
"And Jane likes to remind us that your magic is our advanced quantum mechanics, theoretical astrophysics and string theory all mixed together. I should talk to her about that on her next visit. Natasha said she likes telling stories and teaching." Tony actually brightened, as the higher sciences and mathematics discussion was enjoyable. Loki far preferred to call it magic and study it alone.
"To what end?" Loki asked with a frown. Something was nagging at him, as if he had forgotten something important.
"Why not?" Tony asked, as if he often pursued various complicated lines of inquiry for the thrill of it, as opposed to any real need of it.
"You can't practice magic."
"So? The quantum mechanics, though... That might increase output on the molecular generators we've been working, stabilize the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, even work out some of the kinks in our genetic models."
There, that was it. That was what Loki had forgotten to press Tony about. The man's mind was a warren of random things that somehow seemed to work the way he needed it to. "Because you don't see how I could possibly have Asgardian genes."
"Well, it's integrated seamlessly, so my guess is, they're either not Asgardian markers alone, or you have some Asgardian heritage after all." Tony shrugged as if that didn't matter, and to him it probably didn't. "You'd have to ask her."
Loki didn't wish to, and didn't wish to seem like an ingrate in front of Tony. Some of his reluctance must have shown, because Tony shrugged. "Or not. Maybe Thor could ask her for you, but then that means you'd have to talk to Thor. And really, you should talk to him sometime. You make the big guy all pouty."
That stung, though he didn't want Tony to know that. "I didn't ask you."
Tony actually grinned at him. "I know. But that's me being a decent human being for a change. I am capable of that on occasion."
With no reply for him, Loki just watched Tony turn and leave. It did get the wheels in Loki's mind turning, though. He and Thor had been close once, and he did get lonely. Not that he would ever admit such a thing, of course.
But then, the truth never did care overmuch with what he thought about it.
***
Deciding that trying to manipulate Thor out in the open would appear malicious, Loki sat in Natasha's suite to brood. There had to be a way to nonchalantly steer the conversation to his adopted status and ask about his origins. Thor had to know something to belittle his viewpoint so much as a child. Surely Thor hadn't been that thoughtless growing up.
"Uh oh," Natasha began in a teasing note as she rocked Rose in her arms, settling her down to sleep. "You're thinking of something mean, aren't you?"
Startled, Loki merely shook his head. "I'm actually not."
She sat down next to him on the settee, bumping his shoulder gently. "So what's on your mind, then?"
Loki hesitated for a moment, concerned she would find it silly. Taking a deep breath, he decided to start with what Tony had told him and confide in her what his worries were in getting Thor to talk. Natasha usually had a handle on how people functioned, so she could possibly help him find an angle to broach the subject with Thor. He frowned at her pause. "What? What is it?"
"You don't need to manipulate Thor for that."
"Just asking the oaf will work?"
Natasha sighed. "Don't call him that. He genuinely cares for you. And he has no idea about your history. No, I meant that you don't have to ask Thor to ask Frigga."
"I won't ask her, Natasha. I can't trust her."
"She told me a story about your origins. I didn't think she was lying to me then, and it fits what Tony found."
Loki sat there stunned as Natasha told him what she had heard from Frigga nearly two months before. Then he dropped his gaze to Rose, nestled comfortably in Natasha's arms, sleeping soundly. "All this time..."
"I thought you'd ask her if you needed to know..."
"Not that," Loki interrupted with an irritated shake of his head. "I'm not upset with you, Natasha. Or even her. I never asked when I found out Odin stole me."
"If your birth parents are really a Jotun and an Asgardian, maybe they put you in his path to try to protect you."
That startled him. "What do you mean, protect me? Exposing me to the elements? Even with Jotun heritage, that would kill an infant."
"But what if they had to hide you? Like we hide Rose? What if that was the only way to try to keep you safe? Where else could you be safe but in Odin's home?"
His mouth opened, then shut. "Oh," he said softly. "Oh. I had not considered that at all." His gaze slid away from her earnest ones. "I thought they considered me a monster. That I was to be destroyed."
"Of course you did," Natasha said with a sigh. Before he could say something in response, she shook her head. "Because they don't think to talk about anything in Asgard, and assume too many unspoken things are known. You have to be told things. You don't automatically know them."
"And you know this because you slide between assumptions. You hide behind them."
"Well, yes. It's what I do."
"And the compassion you once said I had to have for myself," Loki continued, gazing at her as she stood to put Rose in her crib. "You don't actually have any for yourself, do you? That's why you work so tirelessly. That's why you sacrifice. You don't believe you deserve forgiveness." He rose and followed her when she retreated to Rose's room. "It's why you targeted me. It's why you stay, even when I try your patience."
"You're not the easiest to get along with," she temporized, not looking at him.
That didn't even feel like a barb, and Loki was aware that it would have sent him into paroxysms of rage if Thor or Frigga said such a thing. "We are of the same kind, are we not? Able to forgive certain things in others, but never of ourselves." He touched her shoulder as she tucked in Rose. "We're lost, and never knew it."
Natasha lifted her head to look at him. "Maybe," she hedged with a sigh. "But I'm learning to rely on others for things. I'm really not trying to do it all myself."
"I noticed that," Loki said, running his fingers down her arm. "I'm... I'm trying to accept this as my home. And others here as allies. It's... Sometimes it works."
She caught his wrist in her hand, trapping his hand against her arm. "And these change as you do, Frigga said."
Loki stared at her intently. "Am I truly changing, Natasha?"
"Your innermost self? I don't think so," she said in a quiet tone. "But I think you're starting to realize who is an enemy and who isn't. I think you're starting to learn how to deal with what life throws at you." Her lips quirked into a smile. "I don't think anyone can really change who they are."
"So you were always this loyal." He saw her expression freeze for a scant second, only because he was watching her so intently. "You were always invested in the welfare of others. That training facility couldn't take that out of you."
Her breath came out slowly. "I suppose that's true."
He drew her into her bedroom and kissed her thoroughly. "I have come to care for that part of you," he said quietly. "I always had regard for your skill, for dedication and mastery. For the physical, of course," he added with a sardonic smile. "But I believe I have learned much by watching you."
Natasha still had the quirky smile on her face. "I'll take it as a compliment."
"It was one, indeed."
She responded to his kiss, even drawing him back to her bed. They undressed in silence, movements as coordinated as they were when this liaison started. She directed him to use lube to get her ready, and it was actually something Loki enjoyed doing. Slicked fingers inside her, he liked seeing her response to his touch. He liked knowing he had an effect on her, that he could make her lose control, that she wouldn't hold herself so tightly while he was with her. It was effort, but all worthwhile things required effort.
Natasha bucked against his hand when she came, stifling a cry with her fist to keep from crying out loud enough to wake their daughter. Their daughter. The words still thrilled him, still helped him feel as though he had a place here, that he belonged. Even if there was nothing finite between him and Natasha, even if she chose not to share her bed with him again, there would be this tie still. He realized it now.
She clambered up over him and slid down over his erect cock, riding him as hard and fast as she liked it. He spilled quickly, clearly unused to the sensation, and hadn't prepared with magic well enough in advance. That was disappointing, but Natasha merely laughed at him. It wasn't a mean laugh, he knew, as he had known her ribbing earlier had been a friendly jest and not a statement meant to unman him.
"Too eager?" she teased. "You'll have to do better next time."
Next time. Always a next time.
Oh yes, this was the place he belonged.
***
Natasha wasn't terribly surprised to find that the markings on Loki's cuffs had changed yet again. Or that various attempts to draw him in had not been rebuffed. Loki was fiercely prideful but also fiercely lonely. "Make him see us as his family," she had told them quietly, "and I'll bet that he'll be responsive. He wants a family so badly, wants someone to see him as more than a freak. He's still dangerous and always will be. But if he sees us as his family, we can probably contain the violence and point it in a useful direction."
"Like you do?" Tony had asked curiously. It wasn't to belittle her or poke fun for a change, which she had appreciated.
"Yes," she had said simply.
The others had all been thoughtful about that, reaching out in little ways if they were comfortable doing so. Maybe they hadn't noticed a big change in his behavior, but she had. She noticed how he seemed more settled in his own skin, how much calmer he was with being needled, and that he didn't seem as angry as he used to be.
"Try your magic," she suggested as they sat on the rooftop together. It was a nice day out, one of the last that weathermen were predicting before fall really set in. "See how far you can go with it now."
Loki put on a dazzling display meant to impress her, and Natasha was indeed impressed by the show. But she also could see the simple joy he took in his gifts, the love he had for being looked up to. Frigga had been right to send him to Earth; no one on Asgard would look on him kindly for this, and they wouldn't look to him for advice the way humans would. He fit better here, though he still saw humans as collateral damage in the way of what he wanted. He could appreciate the ones he knew, which was at least a step in the right direction.
He sat down afterward, right at the edge of the building. "They scurry about like ants," he commented, seeing all of the people walking about down below in Midtown.
"You have about as much concern for them as if they were," Natasha commented.
Turning to face her, Loki frowned. "You disapprove. But you don't know them."
"Individually? No. There are eleven million people in Manhattan alone. I can't know all of them personally, and that would be terrible for my usual profession." She leaned back on her elbows and looked up into the clear sky, seeing the bright blue that Rose was looking at and gurgling happily about, a fist in her mouth. "But it doesn't matter what their individual stories are. They live, however it is they get through the day, and there are things that matter to them."
"So?"
"So, there are things they will never be able to understand. Things they don't see, don't know about, can't defend themselves against."
"You mean my magic."
"I mean anything," Natasha said, tilting her head down to look at him. "This is New York. It's a terrorist target and a mecca for multiple nations to visit. Even Asgardians come here," she said with a wry smile. "How many people would even know how to defuse a bomb? Defend themselves against a magic user?"
Loki snorted. "They kill each other over nothing. Bits of paper that are meant to mean something," he told her derisively.
"Yes, they can. People are fragile and petty and brutal. But they can also be capable of great things. Sometimes it's a question of protecting them against the greater horrors so they can figure out how to do it."
"You mean me as a horror," Loki replied, a faint accusing thread in his voice.
"Believe it or not, Loki, you've become one of their protectors."
He froze at her direct tone and wry smile. "What."
Now her smile broadened. "How many times have you saved people on this world since you arrived with those cuffs on?"
"It was under duress," he protested, appearing discomfited. "I came here to rule, I killed thousands of these worthless mortals-"
"And how many have you saved?" she interrupted.
The only thing that broke the silence was Rose's happy burbles. Even traffic sounds seemed to be muted, distant.
"I don't know," Loki said finally, turning away from her pitiless stare.
"Then maybe you should find out. Keep a tally."
"Your ledger," he sneered, not turning around to face her.
"Yes. Because it's about balance. Everything that is life is about life. Even the means to make your body function is called homeostasis. How to keep the creation and destruction within your own body in balance. Without that balance, entropy takes over, everything goes to rot and destruction."
"That's chaos."
Natasha snorted. "You thrive in that kind of atmosphere. That's where you could do the most good."
"Or the most damage," he snapped, turning back to face her with eyes blazing. "Don't you know? That's all I'm good for. I beguile and destroy. The darkness to Thor's light. I'm not a hero in anyone's story."
Not even his own, she knew. She only lofted an eyebrow. "I didn't say you didn't destroy. But you aren't some mindless beast. You can choose what you destroy. You know how to direct the chaos. You can create balance out of it."
He could have lied and said "I don't know how," but he only shook his head. "Natasha-"
"There has to be a reason for you to stay," she said softly. "Not just for Rose, not just for me. You might grow tired of me, I might do something to lose the regard you have. Rose could grow up and be difficult. Teenagers always are, Susan tells me. She might not have magic. Or she might have magic you don't understand. If either of us makes you unhappy, what will you have here?"
Loki's jaw tightened, and she knew she struck a nerve for him. "I am not good."
"I'm not asking you to be. I've never asked you to be."
He let out a breath, nodding slightly to acknowledge it was true. "Then what?"
"Darkness and light are absolute concepts. Thor has said some pretty shitty things, and I'm sure he has asshole moments, too. No one exists in absolutes. You're capable of kind acts on occasion. You're not completely a creature of destruction."
"I don't want to be a caricature of goodness," Loki said finally, avoiding her gaze.
"Do you think that's what I am?"
"No, I don't suppose you are."
"I have to do some really vile things sometimes. I've killed, lied, seduced and stolen, all in the name of a greater good. I can only hope it really is good, but I don't know. What I do know is that for all the awful things I've done, I've helped to destroy the greater evils out there. I do the things others can't in order to maintain the overall balance. Life goes on, the horrible people gets what's coming to them... I'm sure the same will happen to me someday." She shrugged at Loki's incredulous stare. "I'm not going to lie to myself and say that my crimes don't count. Of course they do. But if I do them, someone else won't have to. Someone else gets to live."
"You think it's that simple?"
Her smile was heartbreakingly sad. "I know it isn't. But that's how I keep going. I didn't destroy the Red Room just to let my own conscience kill me."
"And you think I can do the same as you."
She nodded. "If you want to. If you feel this place could be a home for you."
He looked over at Rose, who had fallen asleep with her limbs splayed out. She still napped throughout most of the day, though when awake she was more alert and able to interact now. As far as Natasha knew, she was developing along the human track, so her lifespan likely wouldn't measure in the thousands of years. She would grow, someday ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions, and have to decide for herself if her parents were evil, monstrous people.
Natasha hoped she wouldn't think so.
"I'd like that," Loki said softly. "But it isn't so simple to begin again."
"Nothing worthwhile is easy," Natasha said quietly. "That's how you know it's worthwhile. The easy stuff isn't valued."
"I don't have to be friends with Thor, do I?" he asked mulishly.
She only laughed and laid on her back beside her daughter. He would have to figure that one out for himself.
The End