Identity. Azkadellia/Zero. PG.
Title: Identity (Sequel to Becoming Who You Are)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Pairing: Azkadellia/Zero. DG/Cain in the background.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. SciFi does, and I'm just making their toys dance a bit. I promise to give them right back.
Spoilers/Warnings: Written for the "nausea" box on my
hc_bingo card.
Summary: Azkadellia convinced everyone that she was worthy of their trust. Deep down, she wasn't sure she deserved it, but she didn't need to be the Queen. All she wanted was the power behind the Queen. And Zero.
In the months after Zero's botched execution, Azkadellia had slowly convinced her parents that she was worthy of their trust. And she did have the OZ's best interest at heart, and was eager to share her magical knowledge with DG. They had bonded over the lessons, and Azkadellia had let some statements slip about the weakness of magical instruction in the OZ. DG had wholeheartedly agreed with that; Tutor had tried teaching her after the eclipse, and DG had still been a beginner when Azkadellia started teaching her. When that went over well, Azkadellia began going over the distant history of the OZ. She let some of her commentary regarding the current state of affairs slide in, slowly shaping DG's views of the nation she had been born into. The Queen and Ahamo hadn't really spoken about that sort of thing with DG, and she was feeling lost. Azkadellia happily filled the void, and the two sisters were often in each others' company. The Queen thought it was wonderful that Azkadellia wasn't pushing for her birthright, and was willing to step aside and let DG become Crown Princess on her twenty-fourth birthday.
Azkadellia didn't need to be Queen. She could be the power behind the Queen, just as Zero was her hidden support.
Ancient laws hadn't dictated that the Crown Princess had to marry nobility, a point which the Queen had to concede with obvious distaste. Ahamo had been acceptable as a Slipper because his technology had passed for magic in some of the noble circles. Wyatt Cain had no such advantage, but he was the only one DG would ever consider marrying. Zero had thought it was hilarious when Azkadellia had told him. "And the child will have an adult older brother. What does think the kid feels about this?"
"Jeb is actually happy for them. He's head of a squadron of Royal Guards."
Zero snorted. "That one has a ruthless streak, let me tell you. He'll lead the entire brigade before long, mark my words."
Azkadellia traced a pattern onto Zero's stomach, even though he couldn't feel anything below the neck. "Have you ever thought of being a father?" she asked quietly.
He snorted. "Me? Warp a child to become a sadistic bastard they'd compare to a wild animal? Why would I do that?"
"I can make it happen. If you like."
Zero took in her quiet voice, the way she couldn't quite meet his eyes and how serious she seemed. "You want a child."
"Perhaps," Azkadellia murmured. She looked up at him with an unguarded expression, and he was shocked at it. "I've thought about it before. It was always your child."
"Well, I'm not able to perform in that department anymore. Strategy, tactics, I can do that. Being a father... Not so much." By the suns, he wished he could hold her. "If you want this that badly, though... I'm sure we could muddle through somehow."
She flashed him a shy smile. "Just think of how it'll upset my mother."
Zero couldn't help but laugh. "In that case, let's get down to business."
***
DG figured it out first, when Azkadellia couldn't tolerate food anymore. Anything the kitchens prepared triggered waves of nausea, and Azkadellia was often left retching in the bathrooms or vomiting bile. "Tea and toast," DG said quietly as Azkadellia washed up one day. "That should help keep something in your stomach."
Azkadellia looked at DG curiously. "You haven't been in this position before."
Her sister rolled her eyes. "I worked in a diner as a waitress. I've seen plenty of the other girls go through this while they decided whether or not to keep the baby." She collapsed down on the floor beside Azkadellia's kneeling figure. "I'm guessing you somehow managed to make Zero a daddy. I don't know if I should congratulate you or smack you upside the head."
Azkadellia's lips quirked. "Right now, I'd take either."
DG laughed. "You look miserable enough that I won't smack you." She put an arm around Azkadellia's shoulders. "Are you sure you want to do this? Mother won't approve and I'm pretty sure she'll have some sort of fit that Ahamo will have to take care of."
Something dark and fierce flashed across Azkadellia's features. "Let her. I don't care anymore."
Face serious, DG pulled Azkadellia close. "I'm going to be a good auntie, you'll see. We'll figure out something to tell Mother."
"Tell her the truth," Azkadellia said quietly. "Tell her who the father is. Tell her I love him more than she'll ever understand."
DG pulled Azkadellia into her embrace. "Well, considering that she understands nothing about it, that's probably not saying much," she said dryly. Azkadellia laughed along with her. "We'll teach it magic, of course," DG continued. "Between the two of us, this kid is going to be an awesome magic user."
"They won't trust me," Azkadellia said quietly. "They barely trust me now, teaching you. They think I'm going to warp you into something evil."
Her eyes were large and luminous, but she wasn't quite the same doe-eyed innocent that had first come to the OZ. "I know what they think," DG said quietly. "They blame you for everything that happened, even though it's not entirely your fault. I'm as much to blame for what happened, since I'm the one that let the witch free in the first place."
"Deeg..."
"No, Az, it's true. And you can bend over backwards, but they won't stop thinking it's all your fault. As much as I think he's evil and nasty, being with Zero has made you happy again. And you're not evil, you're not this twisted thing bent on turning me into some kind of Sorceress Junior." DG squeezed Azkadellia's hand tightly. "If we expand on our knowledge of magic, I know we'll find ways for the people to trust you again. Magic isn't evil itself. It's just a tool. If we learn more, make it more acceptable, they'll understand. I'm sure of it."
DG was so impossibly idealistic, she was playing right into Azkadellia's overall plan. She forgot she was nauseous and smiled at her sister. "Thanks, Deeg. I feel better now."
DG grinned at her sister. "I'm glad." She gave Azkadellia a tight squeeze, then pushed herself up to her feet. "I'm going to go practice now. I'll see you in the courtyard later."
Azkadellia rose to her feet and splashed water on her face after DG left. Suddenly everything seemed a thousand times better. Magic would rule the land again, and the House of Gale would be at the very forefront of the change, just as they should be.
***
The Queen had never screamed so loud before. The courtiers had fallen silent in shock, and one lady-in-waiting had dropped her fan in her surprise. The crack of the spokes against the marble tile floor was impossibly loud in the resultant silence.
Azkadellia held her head high, livid red mark across her cheek visible for all to see. The Queen stared at her, that legendary composure slipping and revealing disappointment and anger. "How could you be so thoughtless?" the Queen hissed. "How could you ruin yourself for that piece of trash?"
Azkadellia turned to look at her mother, no apologies in her expression even as her stomach churned and she wanted to spew bile. "That piece of trash would have been your son-in-law had the Sorceress gotten her way."
"You dare speak her name?" the Queen asked, lavender eyes flashing in warning. "You do not mention that time in my presence."
Her expression didn't change, but Azkadellia almost wished she could throttle her mother. "I won't need to, if you continue to do her work." She gathered her skirts and ignored her mother's livid expression. "You're going to be a grandmother, Mother. There's nothing you can do about it."
"The court physician--"
Azkadellia whirled around, her fathomless rage evident in her eyes. "Will stay away from me if you wish to keep him! If anything happens to this child, anything, I will hold you responsible!" She left the audience room, crashing into DG, who was perpetually late. The Queen likely hadn't wanted DG to say anything in Azkadellia's defense; she wasn't blind to the close relationship they shared, but couldn't discourage it without looking petty. "I have to go," Azkadellia told DG unnecessarily, and pushed past her. She ignored DG calling her name, ignored the sound of running feet. She had her skirts hiked up and she was running, running, as fast as she could go. There was nowhere to run, really; her mother was now ordering a lock down so Azkadellia wouldn't be able to visit Zero. She only had DG as an ally now; Ahamo would never counter the Queen's orders, even for her. Especially for her. DG was their favored child, the one that they had brought back from the dead and hidden. They had thrown Azkadellia away rather than deal with the problems that were arising, and it was happening all over again.
She collapsed in an old courtyard that no one used anymore. She sobbed, feeling as though she was split in two. Some part of her would always be a lost little girl, wishing her mother could only see and say something, or do something, to make the witch go away. Why hadn't she seen? Why hadn't she been able to do anything other than run and hide? And why was it now all Azkadellia's fault?
The other part of her wanted to rage and shout and scream until everyone knew how awful they were being. She had been a child when it had all happened. She should have been protected, but they had all left her behind. Maybe she wasn't as innocent in her actions afterward, but she hadn't been in complete control either. Not all of her cutting words had been lies, but a great deal of them had been deserved. Her parents hadn't cared enough to try to save her. Why should she conform to their wishes now? They didn't care about what made her happy, about what she wanted from her life. She had to take care of herself.
Azkadellia pressed a hand to her stomach. It was still flat, but would round and grow with time. I will protect you, little one, she promised. I will be everything that they could never be, and I will do everything they couldn't. I will be what you need, and I will keep you safe.
Determined, Azkadellia pushed herself to her feet. No more tears. She would have to find her way out of the palace and into the wider world of the OZ. She was never going to be at her parents' mercy ever again.
***
"Stop pacing," Zero snapped. "You're making my eyes hurt."
Azkadellia sat down abruptly, skirt billowing out around her. "My sister petitioned for your pardon, so that you can be housed in the palace. So that I can come back."
Zero rolled his eyes. "Yes, because you're doing so much besides puking right now."
Azkadellia glared at him. "You're not helping."
"Of course I am," he contradicted her. "I'm not letting you wallow in stupidity. What happened to my Sorceress? The one that would bring magic back to the land? The one that was getting her slipper sister to do everything necessary to revoke the restrictions on magic use?" Zero snorted. "All I see is someone pacing as if she was a weak thing."
She nearly snarled at him, but caught the twinkle in his eyes. He loved baiting her, loved getting a rise out of her. "I hate being sick and feeling helpless," Azkadellia said in clipped tones. "You aren't helping."
"I don't want to," he replied easily. Azkadellia didn't doubt that he would have shrugged if he could. "I'm not going to baby you about this. That won't help you or the child. Your sister might be able to put aside her loathing of me for your sake, but your mother won't. If I live long enough to see the child born, I'd count myself lucky."
"I won't lose you," Azkadellia said fierce. "I won't."
Zero's smile was sharp and full of teeth. "You might not have a choice, Sorceress. My days as a living corpse might be numbered. At least I've a gift to leave you with, and a lifetime of hassle to remember me by." He grinned wider at Azkadellia's angry look. "Oh, come now. You wanted a baby. You asked to be sick and tired and aching. You want that thing clawing its way out of you. I just wanted to be inside you. That was good enough for me."
Azkadellia's eyes were bright with unshed tears, but Zero couldn't tell if they were from anger, pain or sadness. Just as well. He had to push her away now, before she faltered and crumbled under her own weight. It would be worse when he died; he had no illusions and knew it was coming. There were sores on his back and fluid in his lungs despite the Queen's physicians and nurses, and it was only a matter of time before he was forced from Azkadellia's side. Better she think of him this way, as cold and cruel and bitter as he used to be, edged like a knife and poised for the kill. Better she love him for who he was, for how he had once been able to please her.
"You should leave," Zero told her shortly. "I don't want to see you again."
Her mouth opened and closed, confusion and hurt on her face. "Zero..."
"Go find some other bastard to fill your bed. Mine is empty and it's going to stay that way," he snapped. He eyed the door, then her stricken face. "Take your useless love and go."
He watched her leave, knowing her heart was breaking. It was better this way. Better she think of him as a heartless bastard, cutting her to ribbons at her most vulnerable. Better she move on and find someone worthy of her, someone able to stand by her side and push her agenda to legalize magic use outside the royal family. Zero was nobody now, no one worth remembering in this kind of fight. Keeping him would do nothing to help Azkadellia's cause.
She would hurt for a while, but it would fade in time. She would have enough to keep her busy, enough to do and think about. Maybe she wouldn't even miss him after a while. Her sister might help with that, and back in the Queen's good graces, Azkadellia would be able to do everything she needed to do.
Zero had to hang onto that thought. Otherwise, this sacrifice would be for nothing.
End
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Pairing: Azkadellia/Zero. DG/Cain in the background.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. SciFi does, and I'm just making their toys dance a bit. I promise to give them right back.
Spoilers/Warnings: Written for the "nausea" box on my
hc_bingo card.
Summary: Azkadellia convinced everyone that she was worthy of their trust. Deep down, she wasn't sure she deserved it, but she didn't need to be the Queen. All she wanted was the power behind the Queen. And Zero.
In the months after Zero's botched execution, Azkadellia had slowly convinced her parents that she was worthy of their trust. And she did have the OZ's best interest at heart, and was eager to share her magical knowledge with DG. They had bonded over the lessons, and Azkadellia had let some statements slip about the weakness of magical instruction in the OZ. DG had wholeheartedly agreed with that; Tutor had tried teaching her after the eclipse, and DG had still been a beginner when Azkadellia started teaching her. When that went over well, Azkadellia began going over the distant history of the OZ. She let some of her commentary regarding the current state of affairs slide in, slowly shaping DG's views of the nation she had been born into. The Queen and Ahamo hadn't really spoken about that sort of thing with DG, and she was feeling lost. Azkadellia happily filled the void, and the two sisters were often in each others' company. The Queen thought it was wonderful that Azkadellia wasn't pushing for her birthright, and was willing to step aside and let DG become Crown Princess on her twenty-fourth birthday.
Azkadellia didn't need to be Queen. She could be the power behind the Queen, just as Zero was her hidden support.
Ancient laws hadn't dictated that the Crown Princess had to marry nobility, a point which the Queen had to concede with obvious distaste. Ahamo had been acceptable as a Slipper because his technology had passed for magic in some of the noble circles. Wyatt Cain had no such advantage, but he was the only one DG would ever consider marrying. Zero had thought it was hilarious when Azkadellia had told him. "And the child will have an adult older brother. What does think the kid feels about this?"
"Jeb is actually happy for them. He's head of a squadron of Royal Guards."
Zero snorted. "That one has a ruthless streak, let me tell you. He'll lead the entire brigade before long, mark my words."
Azkadellia traced a pattern onto Zero's stomach, even though he couldn't feel anything below the neck. "Have you ever thought of being a father?" she asked quietly.
He snorted. "Me? Warp a child to become a sadistic bastard they'd compare to a wild animal? Why would I do that?"
"I can make it happen. If you like."
Zero took in her quiet voice, the way she couldn't quite meet his eyes and how serious she seemed. "You want a child."
"Perhaps," Azkadellia murmured. She looked up at him with an unguarded expression, and he was shocked at it. "I've thought about it before. It was always your child."
"Well, I'm not able to perform in that department anymore. Strategy, tactics, I can do that. Being a father... Not so much." By the suns, he wished he could hold her. "If you want this that badly, though... I'm sure we could muddle through somehow."
She flashed him a shy smile. "Just think of how it'll upset my mother."
Zero couldn't help but laugh. "In that case, let's get down to business."
***
DG figured it out first, when Azkadellia couldn't tolerate food anymore. Anything the kitchens prepared triggered waves of nausea, and Azkadellia was often left retching in the bathrooms or vomiting bile. "Tea and toast," DG said quietly as Azkadellia washed up one day. "That should help keep something in your stomach."
Azkadellia looked at DG curiously. "You haven't been in this position before."
Her sister rolled her eyes. "I worked in a diner as a waitress. I've seen plenty of the other girls go through this while they decided whether or not to keep the baby." She collapsed down on the floor beside Azkadellia's kneeling figure. "I'm guessing you somehow managed to make Zero a daddy. I don't know if I should congratulate you or smack you upside the head."
Azkadellia's lips quirked. "Right now, I'd take either."
DG laughed. "You look miserable enough that I won't smack you." She put an arm around Azkadellia's shoulders. "Are you sure you want to do this? Mother won't approve and I'm pretty sure she'll have some sort of fit that Ahamo will have to take care of."
Something dark and fierce flashed across Azkadellia's features. "Let her. I don't care anymore."
Face serious, DG pulled Azkadellia close. "I'm going to be a good auntie, you'll see. We'll figure out something to tell Mother."
"Tell her the truth," Azkadellia said quietly. "Tell her who the father is. Tell her I love him more than she'll ever understand."
DG pulled Azkadellia into her embrace. "Well, considering that she understands nothing about it, that's probably not saying much," she said dryly. Azkadellia laughed along with her. "We'll teach it magic, of course," DG continued. "Between the two of us, this kid is going to be an awesome magic user."
"They won't trust me," Azkadellia said quietly. "They barely trust me now, teaching you. They think I'm going to warp you into something evil."
Her eyes were large and luminous, but she wasn't quite the same doe-eyed innocent that had first come to the OZ. "I know what they think," DG said quietly. "They blame you for everything that happened, even though it's not entirely your fault. I'm as much to blame for what happened, since I'm the one that let the witch free in the first place."
"Deeg..."
"No, Az, it's true. And you can bend over backwards, but they won't stop thinking it's all your fault. As much as I think he's evil and nasty, being with Zero has made you happy again. And you're not evil, you're not this twisted thing bent on turning me into some kind of Sorceress Junior." DG squeezed Azkadellia's hand tightly. "If we expand on our knowledge of magic, I know we'll find ways for the people to trust you again. Magic isn't evil itself. It's just a tool. If we learn more, make it more acceptable, they'll understand. I'm sure of it."
DG was so impossibly idealistic, she was playing right into Azkadellia's overall plan. She forgot she was nauseous and smiled at her sister. "Thanks, Deeg. I feel better now."
DG grinned at her sister. "I'm glad." She gave Azkadellia a tight squeeze, then pushed herself up to her feet. "I'm going to go practice now. I'll see you in the courtyard later."
Azkadellia rose to her feet and splashed water on her face after DG left. Suddenly everything seemed a thousand times better. Magic would rule the land again, and the House of Gale would be at the very forefront of the change, just as they should be.
***
The Queen had never screamed so loud before. The courtiers had fallen silent in shock, and one lady-in-waiting had dropped her fan in her surprise. The crack of the spokes against the marble tile floor was impossibly loud in the resultant silence.
Azkadellia held her head high, livid red mark across her cheek visible for all to see. The Queen stared at her, that legendary composure slipping and revealing disappointment and anger. "How could you be so thoughtless?" the Queen hissed. "How could you ruin yourself for that piece of trash?"
Azkadellia turned to look at her mother, no apologies in her expression even as her stomach churned and she wanted to spew bile. "That piece of trash would have been your son-in-law had the Sorceress gotten her way."
"You dare speak her name?" the Queen asked, lavender eyes flashing in warning. "You do not mention that time in my presence."
Her expression didn't change, but Azkadellia almost wished she could throttle her mother. "I won't need to, if you continue to do her work." She gathered her skirts and ignored her mother's livid expression. "You're going to be a grandmother, Mother. There's nothing you can do about it."
"The court physician--"
Azkadellia whirled around, her fathomless rage evident in her eyes. "Will stay away from me if you wish to keep him! If anything happens to this child, anything, I will hold you responsible!" She left the audience room, crashing into DG, who was perpetually late. The Queen likely hadn't wanted DG to say anything in Azkadellia's defense; she wasn't blind to the close relationship they shared, but couldn't discourage it without looking petty. "I have to go," Azkadellia told DG unnecessarily, and pushed past her. She ignored DG calling her name, ignored the sound of running feet. She had her skirts hiked up and she was running, running, as fast as she could go. There was nowhere to run, really; her mother was now ordering a lock down so Azkadellia wouldn't be able to visit Zero. She only had DG as an ally now; Ahamo would never counter the Queen's orders, even for her. Especially for her. DG was their favored child, the one that they had brought back from the dead and hidden. They had thrown Azkadellia away rather than deal with the problems that were arising, and it was happening all over again.
She collapsed in an old courtyard that no one used anymore. She sobbed, feeling as though she was split in two. Some part of her would always be a lost little girl, wishing her mother could only see and say something, or do something, to make the witch go away. Why hadn't she seen? Why hadn't she been able to do anything other than run and hide? And why was it now all Azkadellia's fault?
The other part of her wanted to rage and shout and scream until everyone knew how awful they were being. She had been a child when it had all happened. She should have been protected, but they had all left her behind. Maybe she wasn't as innocent in her actions afterward, but she hadn't been in complete control either. Not all of her cutting words had been lies, but a great deal of them had been deserved. Her parents hadn't cared enough to try to save her. Why should she conform to their wishes now? They didn't care about what made her happy, about what she wanted from her life. She had to take care of herself.
Azkadellia pressed a hand to her stomach. It was still flat, but would round and grow with time. I will protect you, little one, she promised. I will be everything that they could never be, and I will do everything they couldn't. I will be what you need, and I will keep you safe.
Determined, Azkadellia pushed herself to her feet. No more tears. She would have to find her way out of the palace and into the wider world of the OZ. She was never going to be at her parents' mercy ever again.
***
"Stop pacing," Zero snapped. "You're making my eyes hurt."
Azkadellia sat down abruptly, skirt billowing out around her. "My sister petitioned for your pardon, so that you can be housed in the palace. So that I can come back."
Zero rolled his eyes. "Yes, because you're doing so much besides puking right now."
Azkadellia glared at him. "You're not helping."
"Of course I am," he contradicted her. "I'm not letting you wallow in stupidity. What happened to my Sorceress? The one that would bring magic back to the land? The one that was getting her slipper sister to do everything necessary to revoke the restrictions on magic use?" Zero snorted. "All I see is someone pacing as if she was a weak thing."
She nearly snarled at him, but caught the twinkle in his eyes. He loved baiting her, loved getting a rise out of her. "I hate being sick and feeling helpless," Azkadellia said in clipped tones. "You aren't helping."
"I don't want to," he replied easily. Azkadellia didn't doubt that he would have shrugged if he could. "I'm not going to baby you about this. That won't help you or the child. Your sister might be able to put aside her loathing of me for your sake, but your mother won't. If I live long enough to see the child born, I'd count myself lucky."
"I won't lose you," Azkadellia said fierce. "I won't."
Zero's smile was sharp and full of teeth. "You might not have a choice, Sorceress. My days as a living corpse might be numbered. At least I've a gift to leave you with, and a lifetime of hassle to remember me by." He grinned wider at Azkadellia's angry look. "Oh, come now. You wanted a baby. You asked to be sick and tired and aching. You want that thing clawing its way out of you. I just wanted to be inside you. That was good enough for me."
Azkadellia's eyes were bright with unshed tears, but Zero couldn't tell if they were from anger, pain or sadness. Just as well. He had to push her away now, before she faltered and crumbled under her own weight. It would be worse when he died; he had no illusions and knew it was coming. There were sores on his back and fluid in his lungs despite the Queen's physicians and nurses, and it was only a matter of time before he was forced from Azkadellia's side. Better she think of him this way, as cold and cruel and bitter as he used to be, edged like a knife and poised for the kill. Better she love him for who he was, for how he had once been able to please her.
"You should leave," Zero told her shortly. "I don't want to see you again."
Her mouth opened and closed, confusion and hurt on her face. "Zero..."
"Go find some other bastard to fill your bed. Mine is empty and it's going to stay that way," he snapped. He eyed the door, then her stricken face. "Take your useless love and go."
He watched her leave, knowing her heart was breaking. It was better this way. Better she think of him as a heartless bastard, cutting her to ribbons at her most vulnerable. Better she move on and find someone worthy of her, someone able to stand by her side and push her agenda to legalize magic use outside the royal family. Zero was nobody now, no one worth remembering in this kind of fight. Keeping him would do nothing to help Azkadellia's cause.
She would hurt for a while, but it would fade in time. She would have enough to keep her busy, enough to do and think about. Maybe she wouldn't even miss him after a while. Her sister might help with that, and back in the Queen's good graces, Azkadellia would be able to do everything she needed to do.
Zero had to hang onto that thought. Otherwise, this sacrifice would be for nothing.
End