something of an explanation.
I've been kind of avoiding posting too much personal stuff in this journal, even under a private lock. sometimes i'm very acutely aware that my journal is public and anyone can read it. that's great for fics, since glowy feedback makes me happy. but sometimes when i just want to write something for me to reflect on, and it gets comments, i then feel worse for worrying.
and lately, i've been feeling like my own perception of my emotions are out of whack. i know logically a lot of what's going on, but i don't feel it emotionally. i know logically that i've done an incredible amount of work in becoming a doctor, in going into psychiatry, in trying to do the right thing by my patients. i know i've shouldered an incredible amount of stress with wedding planning in the midst of a family maelstrom. logically, i know this. emotionally, i don't. all of that is standard. i'm supposed to do that. i was always the strong one. i always fixed things and helped everyone else and made things work. i didn't usually have to ask for help. when i did, it was something small or something i could figure out for myself so i never had to ask.
it's not really as bad as all that. i've felt worse. which probably in and of itself is a horrifying thing, too.
i am getting help. a little more than i originally bargained for, but i'm not writing it off just yet. i'm maybe halfway back to how i used to be with cutting out the stress ruthlessly. jay has been completely wonderful in this, supportive and getting me to talk it out and verbalize what i haven't yet accepted emotionally.
so that's what's going on. it's already more than i thought i would post publicly. but i figured that the people i know IRL on my friendslist should have something of an explanation, other than cryptic comments that look like they're coming out of the blue. i'm not going emo on anyone. it's just gotten completely overwhelming, and for whatever reason i hadn't been able to really use the resources i do have. it's going to get better, even if i have to kick my own ass to make sure of it.
and lately, i've been feeling like my own perception of my emotions are out of whack. i know logically a lot of what's going on, but i don't feel it emotionally. i know logically that i've done an incredible amount of work in becoming a doctor, in going into psychiatry, in trying to do the right thing by my patients. i know i've shouldered an incredible amount of stress with wedding planning in the midst of a family maelstrom. logically, i know this. emotionally, i don't. all of that is standard. i'm supposed to do that. i was always the strong one. i always fixed things and helped everyone else and made things work. i didn't usually have to ask for help. when i did, it was something small or something i could figure out for myself so i never had to ask.
it's not really as bad as all that. i've felt worse. which probably in and of itself is a horrifying thing, too.
i am getting help. a little more than i originally bargained for, but i'm not writing it off just yet. i'm maybe halfway back to how i used to be with cutting out the stress ruthlessly. jay has been completely wonderful in this, supportive and getting me to talk it out and verbalize what i haven't yet accepted emotionally.
so that's what's going on. it's already more than i thought i would post publicly. but i figured that the people i know IRL on my friendslist should have something of an explanation, other than cryptic comments that look like they're coming out of the blue. i'm not going emo on anyone. it's just gotten completely overwhelming, and for whatever reason i hadn't been able to really use the resources i do have. it's going to get better, even if i have to kick my own ass to make sure of it.