(no subject)
Dear Brain, You have the most wonderful timing EVER. SO not what I needed to work through in the middle of Dead Week/Finals.
Dear Will,
It's been four weeks to the day since we talked. I was grateful to you at the time for you telling me that you like me too, and have for a good while, etc, etc. And in some ways I still am. It kept me from becoming a blubbery mess in front of you. The truth is important, and things were said that needed to be, and we both agreed that we still want to hang out and be friends. However, I don't think I can see you for a while. I just need some time is all. I feel like I've gone through a break-up without ever getting to actually have the relationship. Ever. I've never had a boyfriend. I could go on about how life isn't fair, and I wish I could say 'let's just go back to being friends,' but I've liked you for so long that I'm not even sure what 'just friends' would look like between us.
A part of me -a really, really big part- would like to still hope that someday we might be able to have something, but another part of me tells me that doing that is just not right or healthy for me. Without really realizing it I've spent the last several years waiting for you, and to hang on to that hope would just be setting myself up for more disappointment and heartbreak.
Like you said, I deserve someone who can commit and be there for me. The trouble is, I have no idea how to go about finding him. It seems like all the guys I'm ever interested in are unavailable for various reasons - in a relationship, not interested in women, shorter than me, etc. I haven't the faintest clue how people find each other and make it work. In part, I blame my parents. Growing up homeschooled really messed with my social stages. I function on a surface level, and I've got friends and such, but when it comes to relationships I'm lost and it scares me.
It's habitual for me to play it safe, to do things within my comfort zone. I don't want to get hurt, but I know that's part of life, and I know I'll only end up being hurt more if I continue on as I have been.
I'm sorry to dump this all on you, but I think you have a right to know what I'm going through right now. I'm not blaming you or anything, just... this is where I'm at right now, and our talk was just the last thing.
J
I don't know if I should send it to him. Like I said before, worst timing ever, and I'd hate to be a distraction. God, I'm an idiot. See what I do all the time? I think about how things will affect other people, and I tend to put that before my own personal needs.
Now I wish I had his address so I could just mail it to him. Gah, I just don't know.
And now I need to finish homework and papers and presentations. All due within the next 8 hours. Joy.
Also, I can't tell whether the nausea/gut clenching is from this, finals stress, my 3 cups of coffee to 1 piece of toast ratio, or my uterus. Probably a combination of all of the above.
I hope your day is better than mine has been so far! <3
Dear Will,
It's been four weeks to the day since we talked. I was grateful to you at the time for you telling me that you like me too, and have for a good while, etc, etc. And in some ways I still am. It kept me from becoming a blubbery mess in front of you. The truth is important, and things were said that needed to be, and we both agreed that we still want to hang out and be friends. However, I don't think I can see you for a while. I just need some time is all. I feel like I've gone through a break-up without ever getting to actually have the relationship. Ever. I've never had a boyfriend. I could go on about how life isn't fair, and I wish I could say 'let's just go back to being friends,' but I've liked you for so long that I'm not even sure what 'just friends' would look like between us.
A part of me -a really, really big part- would like to still hope that someday we might be able to have something, but another part of me tells me that doing that is just not right or healthy for me. Without really realizing it I've spent the last several years waiting for you, and to hang on to that hope would just be setting myself up for more disappointment and heartbreak.
Like you said, I deserve someone who can commit and be there for me. The trouble is, I have no idea how to go about finding him. It seems like all the guys I'm ever interested in are unavailable for various reasons - in a relationship, not interested in women, shorter than me, etc. I haven't the faintest clue how people find each other and make it work. In part, I blame my parents. Growing up homeschooled really messed with my social stages. I function on a surface level, and I've got friends and such, but when it comes to relationships I'm lost and it scares me.
It's habitual for me to play it safe, to do things within my comfort zone. I don't want to get hurt, but I know that's part of life, and I know I'll only end up being hurt more if I continue on as I have been.
I'm sorry to dump this all on you, but I think you have a right to know what I'm going through right now. I'm not blaming you or anything, just... this is where I'm at right now, and our talk was just the last thing.
J
I don't know if I should send it to him. Like I said before, worst timing ever, and I'd hate to be a distraction. God, I'm an idiot. See what I do all the time? I think about how things will affect other people, and I tend to put that before my own personal needs.
Now I wish I had his address so I could just mail it to him. Gah, I just don't know.
And now I need to finish homework and papers and presentations. All due within the next 8 hours. Joy.
Also, I can't tell whether the nausea/gut clenching is from this, finals stress, my 3 cups of coffee to 1 piece of toast ratio, or my uterus. Probably a combination of all of the above.
I hope your day is better than mine has been so far! <3