blowing shit off
blew off the job again today.
didn't even have a real reason aside from not wanting to deal with shit and then i fucked brandon over, and the people at the store cuz i totally realize it was a horrible day for Picture People......but i just went on one of my irresponsible, fuck-the-world, i'm-a-spoiled-bitch binges. I knew if I left John's house to come back and change for work, I'd just end up getting to my house, getting even more depressed, crying and eatting a pint of Ben and Jerry's, smoking/burning, then curling up in bed. Driving home to walk Zara had me wondering if it would be better to have crashed and had some terrible accident that would either make me find a reason for life or die.
I don't even know what I'm writing now really, or why....if anyone reads this and cares, it'll just make them think I might do something stupid. If no one reads this/no one cares, that'll just make it all the worse and more true I think.
Brett. That was a mistake being so harsh towards him. I cut him out so hard.....I do that with so much stuff. It just gets too difficult to deal with anymore and I let it go. (let it go meaning beat it away with a screw-filled baseball bat)
John said I should just let it go and move on. I think my problem is I just let everything go...I don't really sit and accept that I did something horrible and stupid and fucked over a lot of people...I just do it, then beat myself for it, then ignore it until I do it again.
I want it all to just be manic depression shoving itself into my head...at least that way we could figure out what's wrong with me and get medication......"I believe in medication, and I believe in therapy...I barely have the motivation to say I suffer from a lack of seratonin.." (song by Motion City Soundtrack.)
didn't even have a real reason aside from not wanting to deal with shit and then i fucked brandon over, and the people at the store cuz i totally realize it was a horrible day for Picture People......but i just went on one of my irresponsible, fuck-the-world, i'm-a-spoiled-bitch binges. I knew if I left John's house to come back and change for work, I'd just end up getting to my house, getting even more depressed, crying and eatting a pint of Ben and Jerry's, smoking/burning, then curling up in bed. Driving home to walk Zara had me wondering if it would be better to have crashed and had some terrible accident that would either make me find a reason for life or die.
I don't even know what I'm writing now really, or why....if anyone reads this and cares, it'll just make them think I might do something stupid. If no one reads this/no one cares, that'll just make it all the worse and more true I think.
Brett. That was a mistake being so harsh towards him. I cut him out so hard.....I do that with so much stuff. It just gets too difficult to deal with anymore and I let it go. (let it go meaning beat it away with a screw-filled baseball bat)
John said I should just let it go and move on. I think my problem is I just let everything go...I don't really sit and accept that I did something horrible and stupid and fucked over a lot of people...I just do it, then beat myself for it, then ignore it until I do it again.
I want it all to just be manic depression shoving itself into my head...at least that way we could figure out what's wrong with me and get medication......"I believe in medication, and I believe in therapy...I barely have the motivation to say I suffer from a lack of seratonin.." (song by Motion City Soundtrack.)