What a long 24 hours
It has been a very long 24 hours in my life. Last night I decided to surprise Mike with a phone call. Now that he is in Uni it is getting harder and harder to get in touch with him. He doesn't have a phone in his room or apartment. He has to use a pay phone in one of buildings near him, which really sucks. So anyway back to my point. I called him on his cell phone with a phone card that only allowed 8 minutes of talk time. In those 8 minutes he managed to almost end our relationship. He started by telling me that he loves me and misses me. Then he continued by saying he planned on sleeping with this girl name Steph from his TESOL classes and Laurna from home over Christmas. He told me that Laurna and him were both "game" for it. It wasn't the fact that he was going to have sex with these girls, it was the fact that he was planning. He made it sound like he had dates, and times all set up. I think what really bothered me was the fact that he made me feel like just a piece of ass. I didn't feel like his girlfriend at that point. I felt like a whore. I felt like the whore that he had available to him whenever he decided on coming over to the US. He continued our 8 minute conversation by saying that I had no right to get mad because we have an open relationship. I have a right to get mad, I have a right to get jealous. I just don't have a right to yell at him or break up with him because of it.
I quickly hung up the phone and threw it across the room. I burst into tears. I haven't cried like this ever. I didn't even cry that hard when my grandfather died. I felt so used, so betrayed, so hurt. Thanks to Kelly I didn't do anything stupid. I wanted to text him and break up with him. I wanted to swim across the Atlantic Ocean and kill him. I wanted most of all to never talk to him again. After the tears dried up and my common sense came back a little, (thanks to Kelly calming me down a bit) I called Joe. We went over there because I needed a males opinion on why he would do this, or if I was over reacting, and mostly what should I do. He didn't help in any of that respect. He mostly helped take my mind off of it for a bit, calm me down from wanting to kill him or just wanting to severely hurt him. After coming back and still having no idea what to do, Joyce came over to play for a bit. Between Kelly, Joyce, Joe, and Heather, they really helped calm me down to a normal level of being.
Today while I was in my morning shower I began thinking. Mike was drunk. He wasn't going to remember what he said or did on the phone the night before. That made me madder then I was before. I decided that the only way I was going to be tolerable over the next couple of days was to call him and get it over with. I called him and I was right, he had no idea that we even spoke the night before let alone what he said. So I so kindly reminded him of what he said. I spoke my piece about how it made me feel. How used, upset, angry, and disappointed I was. It made me question our relationship. I've never done that before. I've never questioned my feelings for him. I've felt like I shouldn't have trusted him with my heart. He understands now why I was so pissed. He was shaking he was so upset, I was too for that matter. We worked things out. I don't know what is to come of our relationship. I once believed that we would survive a life time together, but now I am going to be realitic. I have to just live day by day when it comes to our relationship. I hate saying that because it hurts to not have any certainity about the most important aspect and person in my life.
I love you Michael. I am just still a little hurt. It will take time for the wound to heal, but it will do just that.
I quickly hung up the phone and threw it across the room. I burst into tears. I haven't cried like this ever. I didn't even cry that hard when my grandfather died. I felt so used, so betrayed, so hurt. Thanks to Kelly I didn't do anything stupid. I wanted to text him and break up with him. I wanted to swim across the Atlantic Ocean and kill him. I wanted most of all to never talk to him again. After the tears dried up and my common sense came back a little, (thanks to Kelly calming me down a bit) I called Joe. We went over there because I needed a males opinion on why he would do this, or if I was over reacting, and mostly what should I do. He didn't help in any of that respect. He mostly helped take my mind off of it for a bit, calm me down from wanting to kill him or just wanting to severely hurt him. After coming back and still having no idea what to do, Joyce came over to play for a bit. Between Kelly, Joyce, Joe, and Heather, they really helped calm me down to a normal level of being.
Today while I was in my morning shower I began thinking. Mike was drunk. He wasn't going to remember what he said or did on the phone the night before. That made me madder then I was before. I decided that the only way I was going to be tolerable over the next couple of days was to call him and get it over with. I called him and I was right, he had no idea that we even spoke the night before let alone what he said. So I so kindly reminded him of what he said. I spoke my piece about how it made me feel. How used, upset, angry, and disappointed I was. It made me question our relationship. I've never done that before. I've never questioned my feelings for him. I've felt like I shouldn't have trusted him with my heart. He understands now why I was so pissed. He was shaking he was so upset, I was too for that matter. We worked things out. I don't know what is to come of our relationship. I once believed that we would survive a life time together, but now I am going to be realitic. I have to just live day by day when it comes to our relationship. I hate saying that because it hurts to not have any certainity about the most important aspect and person in my life.
I love you Michael. I am just still a little hurt. It will take time for the wound to heal, but it will do just that.