Feeling a little bit better
Four hours after I wrote previous entry!
Am now reading a meditation thing about a guy named P_____ (see I am decent about these things, well, better). And listening to Kim Wilde. Post-trigger emotions were difficult to deal with, and they did rock me a bit. Listened to heaps of MIDIs and the Greek version of my favourite song YOU CAME. That was absoulutely glorious and it was happy.
With the P__________ thing I realise in full that I am digging myself a big geopolitical hole. It makes me go on and think "That Polish kid..." Nod, nod, nod. The behaviours are so like, anyway. Was told off for playing my music too loud. Those sub-woofers ARE tempting. I know they are. Derrick would tell me off about them.
Fans are all over the place-in both senses. Fans of my writing, and fans blowing the hot air. The arthritis that was brought on by STRESS isn't so much of a problem, and my immune system is thank God behaving itself. Two things gave me a clue. Seeing Jacqui Thomas at Sunday night church, and listening to Lawanda on the Internet, American lady with three kids. The first thing was looking at my hands and seeing they weren't that bad, but the worst really in ME is the hands the ankles and to much lesser extent the shoulders.
Watched something about the brain and getting organised and body language. I am having one of my wonderfully drive periods but then Netscape plays up and I lose one and a half pages of TENNIS AT THE COLLEGIATE. This book is rather special. It's got the politics, the psychology, the relationships, the comings, the goings, the everything, and lots of sport. There are strong characters in there like Herr Kleinschmidt and Mrs Gilbert. And, yes, you lot, Vladimir Selitsky is actually quite normal. (You can tell from my writing this that it was a long long time before I'd actually heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder! I was just getting over big Asperger shocks-not mine, Sandy Guy's-and learning more about the destructive power of ADHD. And when I think I SURVIVED COLLEGE with a lot of ADD/ADHD blokes beside mine and Derrick's contemporaries.) I don't idolise the English as I once did, but then again there's dignity all over the place, and cracks inside that dignity, as shown by the main character.
Just a minute, Vladimir isn't a whole lot that normal. Yet. Like, he has a kicking and screaming fit. Well, the screaming bit anyway. But it sort of shows that he has feelings, especially for Mam'zelle. And you know the guy is improving a bit, or was. He sort of had to.
And my favourite scene in TENNIS is when Eveline goes and sees her Mum and Dad in Cambridge. I think I was inspired a little bit by the bike-riding I did with my step-father in Cambridge as well. Especially the bit about the Fens. The Fens hasn't changed a whole lot.
I can't believe how it took me NINE MONTHS to get over my disaffection with the Channel Islands. I felt I wanted to do it over now knowing more and being a damn sight less naive. A lot of the naivete was deliberate, considering my audience, but giving them credit for intelligence. Now I'm a Geopolitical Psychologist I don't have to pretend about that side of my life. I don't need an European Day...but I do think about "Europa-Legend and Reality" a lot...Or "Towards Europa 2002...legends and realities". And I'm mighty glad SORROWS OF YOUNG WLADEK actually got me writing again. That visit to the Immigration Museum really whacked a lot out of me, and getting ANTHROPOLOGIST ON MARS at first, and then writing Gerry (which was actually 1998). Of course the other big inspiration was Ju Gosling's VIRTUAL WORLDS OF GIRLS. If my efforts and achievements mean that school stories survive in the 21st century-and that British and foreigners can together re-evaluate educational heirtage and inclusion-then that would be brilliant. A good legacy to leave the mark on.
There's lots I would cut, change, revise if I did have my time over, though. But nothing I'm especially ashamed or embarrassed about which was very much the case even a year or two later. By mid-1998 (not April or anything) I wanted to get away from the whole thing and stand back and look at my successes and my life critically, and think of a LIFE PAST what I had suffered (and continue to suffer, yes, because PTSD is a very life-long thing). But hey, it was 1996, the only indication of my reality for quite some time, and the conflicts that I did feel and create. In a very limited sort of way, and in well-known boundaries, I did have some creative control, and of course I was doing what I loved, for the people I loved.
Am now reading a meditation thing about a guy named P_____ (see I am decent about these things, well, better). And listening to Kim Wilde. Post-trigger emotions were difficult to deal with, and they did rock me a bit. Listened to heaps of MIDIs and the Greek version of my favourite song YOU CAME. That was absoulutely glorious and it was happy.
With the P__________ thing I realise in full that I am digging myself a big geopolitical hole. It makes me go on and think "That Polish kid..." Nod, nod, nod. The behaviours are so like, anyway. Was told off for playing my music too loud. Those sub-woofers ARE tempting. I know they are. Derrick would tell me off about them.
Fans are all over the place-in both senses. Fans of my writing, and fans blowing the hot air. The arthritis that was brought on by STRESS isn't so much of a problem, and my immune system is thank God behaving itself. Two things gave me a clue. Seeing Jacqui Thomas at Sunday night church, and listening to Lawanda on the Internet, American lady with three kids. The first thing was looking at my hands and seeing they weren't that bad, but the worst really in ME is the hands the ankles and to much lesser extent the shoulders.
Watched something about the brain and getting organised and body language. I am having one of my wonderfully drive periods but then Netscape plays up and I lose one and a half pages of TENNIS AT THE COLLEGIATE. This book is rather special. It's got the politics, the psychology, the relationships, the comings, the goings, the everything, and lots of sport. There are strong characters in there like Herr Kleinschmidt and Mrs Gilbert. And, yes, you lot, Vladimir Selitsky is actually quite normal. (You can tell from my writing this that it was a long long time before I'd actually heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder! I was just getting over big Asperger shocks-not mine, Sandy Guy's-and learning more about the destructive power of ADHD. And when I think I SURVIVED COLLEGE with a lot of ADD/ADHD blokes beside mine and Derrick's contemporaries.) I don't idolise the English as I once did, but then again there's dignity all over the place, and cracks inside that dignity, as shown by the main character.
Just a minute, Vladimir isn't a whole lot that normal. Yet. Like, he has a kicking and screaming fit. Well, the screaming bit anyway. But it sort of shows that he has feelings, especially for Mam'zelle. And you know the guy is improving a bit, or was. He sort of had to.
And my favourite scene in TENNIS is when Eveline goes and sees her Mum and Dad in Cambridge. I think I was inspired a little bit by the bike-riding I did with my step-father in Cambridge as well. Especially the bit about the Fens. The Fens hasn't changed a whole lot.
I can't believe how it took me NINE MONTHS to get over my disaffection with the Channel Islands. I felt I wanted to do it over now knowing more and being a damn sight less naive. A lot of the naivete was deliberate, considering my audience, but giving them credit for intelligence. Now I'm a Geopolitical Psychologist I don't have to pretend about that side of my life. I don't need an European Day...but I do think about "Europa-Legend and Reality" a lot...Or "Towards Europa 2002...legends and realities". And I'm mighty glad SORROWS OF YOUNG WLADEK actually got me writing again. That visit to the Immigration Museum really whacked a lot out of me, and getting ANTHROPOLOGIST ON MARS at first, and then writing Gerry (which was actually 1998). Of course the other big inspiration was Ju Gosling's VIRTUAL WORLDS OF GIRLS. If my efforts and achievements mean that school stories survive in the 21st century-and that British and foreigners can together re-evaluate educational heirtage and inclusion-then that would be brilliant. A good legacy to leave the mark on.
There's lots I would cut, change, revise if I did have my time over, though. But nothing I'm especially ashamed or embarrassed about which was very much the case even a year or two later. By mid-1998 (not April or anything) I wanted to get away from the whole thing and stand back and look at my successes and my life critically, and think of a LIFE PAST what I had suffered (and continue to suffer, yes, because PTSD is a very life-long thing). But hey, it was 1996, the only indication of my reality for quite some time, and the conflicts that I did feel and create. In a very limited sort of way, and in well-known boundaries, I did have some creative control, and of course I was doing what I loved, for the people I loved.