Just because I'm over you doesn't mean...
Dear Diary,
I have a few very important things to talk to you about and advice to ask those of you who actually read my blog.
Okay so it's been about two months that I've been sitting on this and letting it linger in my mind. Through sources I cannot divulge I am 99.9% sure I have the address and phone number for my father. For those of you who do or don't know me let me refresh your memory on my father. My biological father is a man I have not seen since my seventh birthday. Through a falling out he and my mother had back then I guess he was never to come see me again. I never asked my other about him because whenever I would her response would be "why do you want to know about him for?" At a young age that would deter any child from questions or hopes of seeing him again. But now I'm much older and the curiosity is still there that I had when I was younger. I have not made any attempt at trying the phone number nor have I started writing a letter. I don't know how I would begin. It's been SO long and there is still that .1% chance that the information I have is false. I have a feeling that it is accurate in which case what do I say? If he responds back what do I do? Tell my mother? How will she react? She's already up in arms about my whole moving out thing.
Okay so there is one thing I had to get off of my chest. The next is a bit more morbid in context. I've been thinking alot about my family. Those now deceased I mean. Where they are buried. To my knowledge three of them are buried in the same cemetary. I remember the name of the place but have made no attempt in locating its exact whereabouts. I remember it's a huge place that seemed like one big maze so I probably wouldn't even be able to find the gravestones. That is assuming they have one. My grandmother is buried next to her son. I'm not exactly sure if Auntie Karen is buried in that cemetary but her wake and funeral were at the same place my other three family members was at so I would assume so. My other uncle was cremated and I know where his ashes are. At my aunt's apartment. So yeah, I've been thinking primarily about going to see my grandmother only because the guilt is killing me about not going to her burial. I should have been there and I hate myself that I wasn't there. Also to tell my uncle I'm sorry for being so angry at him and blaming him for his death. Maybe then will I cry the tears I know I must have inside of me somewhere. Only I don't want to go alone. I don't do well in or near cemetary's. Also...who can I ask to go with me that actually can and will?
Lastly, and this is in reference to the title of this blog I've been thinking alot lately, as has been usual, of my ex. You think you have time to share and to grow and to learn from a person and then you don't and things become less clear. I thought I had the great question of life all figured out. The mystery would be found in our love and what small battles/differences we would have to face. When it all gets stripped away and nothing is left then what? I travel the train and wonder if things were different would she have been a frequent traveler with me in the mornings to work or in the evenings from work. I am about to move and I wonder, would we have been living together? I see the couples, young and old, and wonder what went wrong and how cute we would be if we were still together. How great we could have been thirty years from now. I think of life before her too. All the fun I had. I was happy before her. I'm happy now, after her. But there will always be her you know? To erase that would be to erase one of the best parts of my life, of my heart. She will always hate me and wish to erase me from her memory but I will always want the oposite. I owe a great deal of who I am today to her, to us. I don't know if I'll ever find an "us" again with someone else. I'm not really looking. Probably because I'm scared. I honestly believe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing. Dating and relationships. But I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to spend time with my soul mate and one true love. How many people get to say that and mean it and know it is true in their heart of hearts without cause for doubt or hesitation? How many?
Sincerely Yours,
Erica L. Drayton