Single, confused, and not sure where to turn to..
I feel confused, not the way I normally feel. Some of you know me very well and know I am a very optimisitc and happy person. I might not show that every minute in front of you, but that is just cause I am going through alot right now and can't seem to organize my thoughts right. Over this month I have been experiancing many things in my life, many decisions I need to make that would effect my future not entirely, but enough that if it is a wrong decision, I will be depressed and regret about it later.
To me it seems life is passing by so fast, sometimes I confuse time and still think about it like it was yesterday. The day I started to show my athletic abilities with making the crib my playground, or the day i started soccer... or even the days I spend at the park all free and happy without a burden on my little peaceful world. I still remember clear as day those days of pure happiness, that even if my parents didn't like to spoil me, I still loved them very much, and still had loads of fun as a little girl. My imagination had went wild when I was little, but now... each day that i get older I just break down into tears cause it is one day farther from the young years I learned everything from a simplier perspective, the perspective that allowed me to be open to anything and think ideas I can't think now. Each day I get closer to the next older age. Honestly, I am not afraid of dying, but really when one thinks about it, this is all we have, our only chance to prove the goodness in us, the potential, and courage in us for achieving the better in the life. Each day we spend just lounging around confused like I am right now, and spending life minute by minute doing things that it seems almost repetitive, well it just bugs me that I need to seriously stop doing this and put some more life into each day I take away from how much days I have left to live. I really do want to live life to it's fullest, but life does get hard, like now for me, I will hopefully try to do better and stop being stressed out like this.
Other things in my life, well mainly since I am stressed, I will just talk about that. I am joining People to People Ambassadors Program, and I am scared to death cause I have to fill out the app, and also do a group and individual interview, plus get recommendations from teachers. I am so nervous that I might not make it, cause joining this program was my dream, and I hate you know being rejected over and over, being turned down. Your little bubble of hope and happiness shattered to nothing just for reasons. I hate those times cause I have to then take time to reevaluate myself, and during those days or weeks even, I am just a mess, my life is out of order. I try to work towards finding myself again and getting back on the broken road towards a new destination. It is never easy for me to recover, the wounds still heart after so long. I usually just take time like this to write so I can try to get back to reality as quickly as possible, but it is hard, I suffered so much over the years, and now well...
I know I vented long enough in this prompt.... eh.. next time.. I hope i am better again.. cause right now.. I am just.. lost.. I need to find that certain thing that will help lead the way.
P.S. In my JROTC class, my instructors are helping us figure out who we are, that gets me even more stressed. Cause well, I do have the idea of who I am, but still, i don't know. Lets see where these lessons go, and if they would even help me find who the real me is....