Track 3
I can’t say that I covered up my sins with a front. I don’t know how many people knew about my sinful nights. I think a lot of people mistook my attempts at faith as having faith itself. Was I “holier then thou?”...no…but I certainly was trying. And boy did I try hard. I’d bring my bible to school to read every free moment I had, I’d eat up every sermon I could listen too at church. But none of this…not one thing kept me from sinning at night…nothing could stop me from masturbating at night to my wildest fantasy. The swearing I could cut out of my life, I didn’t need alcohol or drugs…it was the erections that were the downfall of my faith.
Somehow I couldn’t find the balance between growing up a joy in Jesus’ eyes.…and maturing sexually. It seemed to be different to everybody. My mother, a medical professional told me that sexuality was a beautiful part of being human, my father wouldn’t talk to me about it, and my pastor told me even thinking about a woman lustfully was sin, and for some reason...that I don’t understand too this day, I trusted my pastor over my parents.
I remember the first time I orgasmed, I felt like I failed Jesus. I remember the bedroom it happened in. I remember feeling like I was no longer a virgin. Suddenly I had become part of the statistic of evil Christian boys to lose their virginity before they were 16. Of course there was no girl at my first orgasm…and of course I wasn’t having sex…I was just touching myself…and it happened. It’s so easy to say that now…so easy to see my flawed logic…and yet it took years to realize that even though I orgasmed for the first time without my wife being present…God could still love me.
Somehow I couldn’t find the balance between growing up a joy in Jesus’ eyes.…and maturing sexually. It seemed to be different to everybody. My mother, a medical professional told me that sexuality was a beautiful part of being human, my father wouldn’t talk to me about it, and my pastor told me even thinking about a woman lustfully was sin, and for some reason...that I don’t understand too this day, I trusted my pastor over my parents.
I remember the first time I orgasmed, I felt like I failed Jesus. I remember the bedroom it happened in. I remember feeling like I was no longer a virgin. Suddenly I had become part of the statistic of evil Christian boys to lose their virginity before they were 16. Of course there was no girl at my first orgasm…and of course I wasn’t having sex…I was just touching myself…and it happened. It’s so easy to say that now…so easy to see my flawed logic…and yet it took years to realize that even though I orgasmed for the first time without my wife being present…God could still love me.