Psuedo-religious experience
It was weird. I just had a feeling that Kevin had or was going to hurt himself. I just knew he would do something drastic. I didn't pray, but I felt that I could reach him somehow. I just focused my thoughts on him doing something terrible and I thought about him coming out of his altered state and getting help, from anyone, by phone or otherwise. I just thought about how much I loved him and how much I wished he were ok. And then I got a call, literally two minutes later. It was him.. he couldn't speak. He sounded like he was choking, or something worse. I tried to ask what he did but he couldn't answer. I knew he had done something wrong. Finally, he had a brief moment of clarity when he simply said "help" and "I need you." After a while more of choking sounds, the phone went dead. I tried calling his brother, and I tried calling back hoping his parents would answer, but nothing. I rushed over hoping he had left the door unlocked, much like he left the car unlocked last time, and he had. He was sprawled on his living room floor, with a cross on his heart further decorating his previous wounds and slashes down both of his sides. He said he used a knife, but no one could find it. I woke his parents up and we tried to help. They called all of his doctors but they were all closed, and nothing could be done for now.
No use trying the hospital, the wounds were superficial, he'll be fine, it's his mind we're worried about. After a while, he just wanted to watch a movie to get his mind off of things. Yeah... just like normal. He was completely normal, he went through the same thing the other night but w/o the cuts. Just a cry for help. Assuming that much, we're hoping that he won't have to go back to Havenwyck. Last time was an actual minor attempt, and he was kept for 4.5 days. This wasn't even an attempt, and only a half hour later he seemed himself again- his parents don't want him going back so I have a good feeling he won't be. But something must be done about this. Something isn't right. I'm hoping he won't miss any school, we have 2 tests next week, but I am worried that he will drop a class. He was thinking about it before, and now I bet there will be more issues, things will be more overwhelming. Whatever, he can take the class again in 2 years. No rush, I need to catch up still anyway. I just wish he was more self-reliant.
His brother told me (an hour or so before this happened) that he thinks Kevin is a selfish prick, that he manipulates us with his moods, that he's faking it so that he'll always get what he wants. He's worred that he's screwing me up and that he's putting too much of a strain on his parents. To an extent, he's right. But there is a part of me, a large part, that really does believe he can't control himself when he gets into those moods. He shakes like he's having a seizure, he can't respond, he blacks out. His parents think he does it to himself, and maybe he starts it, but I don't think he's faking it.
The difference between this time and last is that it actually is my fault. He even says that he did it because of what I said. He wasn't responding to me online, or his brother. I was annoyed and in pursuit of a response, I said that he wasn't talking to me because he was mad at me and that if he didn't respond I'll think that he doesn't love me anymore. I didn't mean it, I just wanted a response, and it was wrong of me to say that. But he says that he thought I had broken up with him, he said he "lost everything". I never said that I was leaving him, like he told me he thought, and I certainly never said that I didn't love him, never. Even if I am mad, I never have said anything like that. And he must have known that it wasn't true that he lost me, because he called me. He didn't call his brother, or another friend, and he didn't wake up his parents who could have gotten to him much quicker. He called me. And asked me for help, said he needed me. If he thought I didn't love him, why would he expect help? Why would he leave the door unlocked, knowing that I will always come to help, even if I was in bed and I have to go to work in 6 hours (and work an 8 hour shift- which I am not looking forward to, esp with this going on. Now I really wish I had my normal shift, I'll have too much on my mind, and I need to know what is going on before 5pm). So that's kinda of why it was a psuedo-religious experience. I focused on him, hoping to reach him subconciously, and he called for help, even though he was under the false impression that I didn't love him anymore. He said he had a brief moment of clarity after he cut himself and he called asap because he knew he didn't have much time before he was sucked back into that state.
Well, not sure what is going to happen. I feel really guilty because all his parents know is that he was playing that damn game while I was over and I asked him to take me home because I didn't want to sit and watch him play all night because I had other things to do and if I am there then I want to be with him. Common issue, it gets brought up all the time. So his mom took me home around 7ish and said that I was completely right for leaving, and that Kev was (is) immature and needs to learn how to deal with life and responsibility. His dad and mom both say that I am good for him, and that I've been good to him. What they don't know is what I said online before he did that. I don't really want to tell them, but they'll find out if they keep asking. I am worried that they'll think I'm doing more harm than good. Honestly, I worry about that too. I've brought it up to Kev many times and he goes into one of his moods, he reads into that as if I am breaking up with him, which is not what I mean. I get irritated easily and he knows that, and I know that he has his issues and yet I still get irritaed and say things that a normal person could handle but that I know he can't. I feel guilty about that, but that just goes back to what his brother says about manipulating us. He doesn't like conflict, so when we get mad he does this so that we'll be afraid to get mad again, and always give in to his impulses and lack of responsibility so that he stays normal. It makes perfect sense, but still something about what happens when he's in that state leads me to believe that it's not all under his control.
I guess I will keep you all updated on what happens. I know this is super long, I know you probably didn't make it this far, and I know that no one reads lj anymore, but I had to write this somewhere other than a sheet of paper that only I could read. I had to tell someone but I really don't want my mom to know and I can't call anyone this late. Forgive my ranting. I'm really tired. His parents worry about me, that I don't need this stress. Of course, they're right, but if I leave Kev and leave this stress behind, he really will do something drastic. Back to his manipulation, he wants to keep me forever for fear that he'll kill/seriously injure himself. He's using my love against me. But it's effective, if I did want to leave I couldn't. And if I leave the stress behind by leaving, I'll either increase my stress by him hurting himself or live with the guilt for the rest of my life that he killed himself because of me. I can't do that. What I need is less stress from everything else so that I can focus on this. I wish I had less school work, I wish my moss didn't force me to work extra this weekend. I told him it wasn't a good time, I told him I was super busy, but maybe if I tell him that my bf tried to kill himself for the 3rd time (which he didn't, but I can exaggerate to him a little) he won't mind me working my normal shift tomorrow or today so that I can see him. We'll see.
No use trying the hospital, the wounds were superficial, he'll be fine, it's his mind we're worried about. After a while, he just wanted to watch a movie to get his mind off of things. Yeah... just like normal. He was completely normal, he went through the same thing the other night but w/o the cuts. Just a cry for help. Assuming that much, we're hoping that he won't have to go back to Havenwyck. Last time was an actual minor attempt, and he was kept for 4.5 days. This wasn't even an attempt, and only a half hour later he seemed himself again- his parents don't want him going back so I have a good feeling he won't be. But something must be done about this. Something isn't right. I'm hoping he won't miss any school, we have 2 tests next week, but I am worried that he will drop a class. He was thinking about it before, and now I bet there will be more issues, things will be more overwhelming. Whatever, he can take the class again in 2 years. No rush, I need to catch up still anyway. I just wish he was more self-reliant.
His brother told me (an hour or so before this happened) that he thinks Kevin is a selfish prick, that he manipulates us with his moods, that he's faking it so that he'll always get what he wants. He's worred that he's screwing me up and that he's putting too much of a strain on his parents. To an extent, he's right. But there is a part of me, a large part, that really does believe he can't control himself when he gets into those moods. He shakes like he's having a seizure, he can't respond, he blacks out. His parents think he does it to himself, and maybe he starts it, but I don't think he's faking it.
The difference between this time and last is that it actually is my fault. He even says that he did it because of what I said. He wasn't responding to me online, or his brother. I was annoyed and in pursuit of a response, I said that he wasn't talking to me because he was mad at me and that if he didn't respond I'll think that he doesn't love me anymore. I didn't mean it, I just wanted a response, and it was wrong of me to say that. But he says that he thought I had broken up with him, he said he "lost everything". I never said that I was leaving him, like he told me he thought, and I certainly never said that I didn't love him, never. Even if I am mad, I never have said anything like that. And he must have known that it wasn't true that he lost me, because he called me. He didn't call his brother, or another friend, and he didn't wake up his parents who could have gotten to him much quicker. He called me. And asked me for help, said he needed me. If he thought I didn't love him, why would he expect help? Why would he leave the door unlocked, knowing that I will always come to help, even if I was in bed and I have to go to work in 6 hours (and work an 8 hour shift- which I am not looking forward to, esp with this going on. Now I really wish I had my normal shift, I'll have too much on my mind, and I need to know what is going on before 5pm). So that's kinda of why it was a psuedo-religious experience. I focused on him, hoping to reach him subconciously, and he called for help, even though he was under the false impression that I didn't love him anymore. He said he had a brief moment of clarity after he cut himself and he called asap because he knew he didn't have much time before he was sucked back into that state.
Well, not sure what is going to happen. I feel really guilty because all his parents know is that he was playing that damn game while I was over and I asked him to take me home because I didn't want to sit and watch him play all night because I had other things to do and if I am there then I want to be with him. Common issue, it gets brought up all the time. So his mom took me home around 7ish and said that I was completely right for leaving, and that Kev was (is) immature and needs to learn how to deal with life and responsibility. His dad and mom both say that I am good for him, and that I've been good to him. What they don't know is what I said online before he did that. I don't really want to tell them, but they'll find out if they keep asking. I am worried that they'll think I'm doing more harm than good. Honestly, I worry about that too. I've brought it up to Kev many times and he goes into one of his moods, he reads into that as if I am breaking up with him, which is not what I mean. I get irritated easily and he knows that, and I know that he has his issues and yet I still get irritaed and say things that a normal person could handle but that I know he can't. I feel guilty about that, but that just goes back to what his brother says about manipulating us. He doesn't like conflict, so when we get mad he does this so that we'll be afraid to get mad again, and always give in to his impulses and lack of responsibility so that he stays normal. It makes perfect sense, but still something about what happens when he's in that state leads me to believe that it's not all under his control.
I guess I will keep you all updated on what happens. I know this is super long, I know you probably didn't make it this far, and I know that no one reads lj anymore, but I had to write this somewhere other than a sheet of paper that only I could read. I had to tell someone but I really don't want my mom to know and I can't call anyone this late. Forgive my ranting. I'm really tired. His parents worry about me, that I don't need this stress. Of course, they're right, but if I leave Kev and leave this stress behind, he really will do something drastic. Back to his manipulation, he wants to keep me forever for fear that he'll kill/seriously injure himself. He's using my love against me. But it's effective, if I did want to leave I couldn't. And if I leave the stress behind by leaving, I'll either increase my stress by him hurting himself or live with the guilt for the rest of my life that he killed himself because of me. I can't do that. What I need is less stress from everything else so that I can focus on this. I wish I had less school work, I wish my moss didn't force me to work extra this weekend. I told him it wasn't a good time, I told him I was super busy, but maybe if I tell him that my bf tried to kill himself for the 3rd time (which he didn't, but I can exaggerate to him a little) he won't mind me working my normal shift tomorrow or today so that I can see him. We'll see.