Indecision
So I know it's been six months since I posted. I've pretty much just stopped writing, period. I don't really have the time, but my life isn't that exciting either.
I am, however, looking for opinions/advice on a situation I have currently. It's an incredibly long story, so I'll apologize now.
Jeremy is a friend I have known for nearly 12 years. Once upon a time, there was a group of us that used to hang out together ALL THE TIME. Since then, most of us have grown up, moved on, and settled down. We've all remained friends, and get together occasionally, but it's nothing like it used to be. Jeremy was always the one who kept everything inside. He was troubled, that was no question. He would drink and drive, drive crazy (not at the same time), take off for hours at a time to be alone... I was the only one he would talk to. And I have always trusted him as well. To this day, I know I can tell him anything and he's not going to share it with anyone.
Jeremy was one of the ones who settled down. He met Tabitha, and then nearly fell off the face of the Earth. Then they had twins a year and a half later, and he fell off completely. It got to the point were no one would even bother calling him to get together, because we knew he wouldn't, or more appropriately, couldn't. Despite all this, Jeremy and I remained friends. We still had that closeness whenever we talked. He confided in me about the unhappy situations he had, the feelings he had about Tabitha cheating, the confusion he had, etc. I guided him as much as I could, reminding him of his love for her, and maybe she was going through a phase, etc.
Tabitha had always hated me, from the day he told her about me. We never met once, but she loathed me, simply because Jeremy and I had a one-night fling YEARS ago. She forbade him to be friends with me. Actually, she forbade him to have any female friends at all, but especially me. When she found out he and I had been talking via YIM, she gave him an ultimatum; Stop talking to me, or lose her. So, he stopped talking to me.
This went on, repeatedly, for years. About a year ago, Tabitha and Jeremy got into it over the "own your friends" app on MySpace, because I kept buying him from her. (Lame, I know.) It was so severe an argument, that he said some harsh things to me (well, harsh for Jeremy) and told me we were no longer friends.
Last July 1st (I remember because it was my dad's birthday), he contacted me via YIM and, long story short, apologized to me. Told me they were splitting up and he lost a lot of friends because of her, he realized his mistakes, and was trying to make amends. I forgave him and helped nurse him through the loss of his 7-year relationship, her admission to having cheated on him (numerous times, with numerous partners) and that the baby she was carrying may belong to the most recent cheatee, and, most importantly, the idea that he will no longer see his kids every day. That relationship was pretty much over for years, and he knew it. What hit him hardest was the potential loss of his kids.
After two months of talking every day, all day long, along with periodic visits, we decided to give dating a try. Something I had never though of with him, I just wasn't attracted to him in that way. But, for some reason, that had changed. Initially, I told him I wanted to wait until everything with Tabitha was done and over, as far as custody and the mortgage. They had bought a house the year prior, and the only way to get the financing was to use both names. However, I deceived that decision, and we began a relationship anyway.
Needless to say, Tabitha was outraged. Not that she had any reason to be whatsoever. They were still living together, in separate rooms, because of the house belonging to both of them. She caused any problem she could between Jeremy and me. Telling him she didn't want me at the house (even though she had her boyfriend there when Jeremy was gone), telling him she didn't want him bringing the kids around me (even though she had them around her boyfriend numerous times before they even broke up, and continued to do so), following him around the house when he was talking to me on the phone just to make sure he didn't talk badly about her, CONSTANTLY finding things to start fights about, and the one thing that iced the cake; every time he came to my house, she would wait until he had been here for 10 minutes, then would call him and tell him he needed to come home to watch the kids, for one reason or another. He was scared of her threats to take the kids away from him and not let him see them, so he would go, every time. Despite my advice. I've been through this custody thing twice, so I know what I'm talking about, yet he didn't listen.
We had fallen in love very easily, having already known each other for so long, and so we had planned to move in together. Tabitha came to him one day and told him she was looking for apartments and would be moving out October 15th. I knew that I'd be off for a week in November, so I planned to move in then. Jeremy and Tabitha had come to an agreement, and written it down on paper, and signed it. That she would have all her things out no later than October 31, and would not enter the house uninvited after that. Well, then she started using that as an excuse to get her way; "If you don't ____, I just won't move out." Despite my attempts to convince him that she was bluffing, he was still scared of her, and believed her anyway.
The weekend before Halloween was a bad one for us. We fought all weekend. Then, Sunday he had gone to the house to help her go through boxes of their things in the garage that were combined. He was home all day. She left to take a load to her boyfriend's parents' house (where she was moving to), and Jeremy took the kids to do something. They all got home around the same time. Jeremy's mom was there, they all chatted for a bit, then Jeremy and his mom left. Jeremy no more than walked in my door, and she texted him, telling him he needed to come home and watch the kids so she could go to a Halloween party. He told her no, and she called, screaming at him. I started screaming, it was a huge blowout. Finally, he told her he'd come home. I told him if he walks out the door, don't come back. He left anyway.
We did not talk for two months.
Christmas time, we had some mutual friends come home from WY for the first time in a year, and they had their annual get together for all their friends, to which we were both invited. A few days prior to that, he had been helping Jason fix his blazer in my step father's garage, so we had been in the same place, but didn't speak. At the party, he pulled me aside and told me he missed me, has never stopped thinking about me, hates himself for letting her do that, he's learned his lesson, things are decent with her now, they hardly ever talk, etc.
So, I told him we could be friends, but I wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship, and didn't know if I would ever be, because he chose her over me too many times. But, to Jeremy, something was better than nothing, so he accepted.
Now we've been talking every day, all day long just like before. I had decided to leave the kids out of it for a while, but they've been brought back in. His kids love me, and I enjoy them as well. Draevyn loves Jeremy, and he enjoys Draevyn. We all go and do things as a family, and it's really nice. I miss Jeremy when he's gone. I go crazy if there's more than an hour that I don't hear from him, outside of sleep. I enjoy being with him and the kids.
But....
I don't really feel the love for him that I did before. He tells me he loves me, and I don't feel right returning the sentiment, because I don't feel it. I am not physically attracted to him like I was before, even though he's more attractive now. When I go out with friends, I not only don't invite him, I plain don't want him to go. I don't want to post pictures of he and I because I don't want people to think I'm taken, and miss out on another chance. Even though I'm pretty convinced I won't get another chance with anyone. Ever.
I'm not sure what to do. Jeremy asked me to marry him and I said no. But sometimes the thought is exciting. And then other times, it feels wrong. I love everything about the situation, but I don't love him anymore - like that. I thought maybe it would come back over time, but it hasn't yet, and it's been a month.
Any ideas?
I am, however, looking for opinions/advice on a situation I have currently. It's an incredibly long story, so I'll apologize now.
Jeremy is a friend I have known for nearly 12 years. Once upon a time, there was a group of us that used to hang out together ALL THE TIME. Since then, most of us have grown up, moved on, and settled down. We've all remained friends, and get together occasionally, but it's nothing like it used to be. Jeremy was always the one who kept everything inside. He was troubled, that was no question. He would drink and drive, drive crazy (not at the same time), take off for hours at a time to be alone... I was the only one he would talk to. And I have always trusted him as well. To this day, I know I can tell him anything and he's not going to share it with anyone.
Jeremy was one of the ones who settled down. He met Tabitha, and then nearly fell off the face of the Earth. Then they had twins a year and a half later, and he fell off completely. It got to the point were no one would even bother calling him to get together, because we knew he wouldn't, or more appropriately, couldn't. Despite all this, Jeremy and I remained friends. We still had that closeness whenever we talked. He confided in me about the unhappy situations he had, the feelings he had about Tabitha cheating, the confusion he had, etc. I guided him as much as I could, reminding him of his love for her, and maybe she was going through a phase, etc.
Tabitha had always hated me, from the day he told her about me. We never met once, but she loathed me, simply because Jeremy and I had a one-night fling YEARS ago. She forbade him to be friends with me. Actually, she forbade him to have any female friends at all, but especially me. When she found out he and I had been talking via YIM, she gave him an ultimatum; Stop talking to me, or lose her. So, he stopped talking to me.
This went on, repeatedly, for years. About a year ago, Tabitha and Jeremy got into it over the "own your friends" app on MySpace, because I kept buying him from her. (Lame, I know.) It was so severe an argument, that he said some harsh things to me (well, harsh for Jeremy) and told me we were no longer friends.
Last July 1st (I remember because it was my dad's birthday), he contacted me via YIM and, long story short, apologized to me. Told me they were splitting up and he lost a lot of friends because of her, he realized his mistakes, and was trying to make amends. I forgave him and helped nurse him through the loss of his 7-year relationship, her admission to having cheated on him (numerous times, with numerous partners) and that the baby she was carrying may belong to the most recent cheatee, and, most importantly, the idea that he will no longer see his kids every day. That relationship was pretty much over for years, and he knew it. What hit him hardest was the potential loss of his kids.
After two months of talking every day, all day long, along with periodic visits, we decided to give dating a try. Something I had never though of with him, I just wasn't attracted to him in that way. But, for some reason, that had changed. Initially, I told him I wanted to wait until everything with Tabitha was done and over, as far as custody and the mortgage. They had bought a house the year prior, and the only way to get the financing was to use both names. However, I deceived that decision, and we began a relationship anyway.
Needless to say, Tabitha was outraged. Not that she had any reason to be whatsoever. They were still living together, in separate rooms, because of the house belonging to both of them. She caused any problem she could between Jeremy and me. Telling him she didn't want me at the house (even though she had her boyfriend there when Jeremy was gone), telling him she didn't want him bringing the kids around me (even though she had them around her boyfriend numerous times before they even broke up, and continued to do so), following him around the house when he was talking to me on the phone just to make sure he didn't talk badly about her, CONSTANTLY finding things to start fights about, and the one thing that iced the cake; every time he came to my house, she would wait until he had been here for 10 minutes, then would call him and tell him he needed to come home to watch the kids, for one reason or another. He was scared of her threats to take the kids away from him and not let him see them, so he would go, every time. Despite my advice. I've been through this custody thing twice, so I know what I'm talking about, yet he didn't listen.
We had fallen in love very easily, having already known each other for so long, and so we had planned to move in together. Tabitha came to him one day and told him she was looking for apartments and would be moving out October 15th. I knew that I'd be off for a week in November, so I planned to move in then. Jeremy and Tabitha had come to an agreement, and written it down on paper, and signed it. That she would have all her things out no later than October 31, and would not enter the house uninvited after that. Well, then she started using that as an excuse to get her way; "If you don't ____, I just won't move out." Despite my attempts to convince him that she was bluffing, he was still scared of her, and believed her anyway.
The weekend before Halloween was a bad one for us. We fought all weekend. Then, Sunday he had gone to the house to help her go through boxes of their things in the garage that were combined. He was home all day. She left to take a load to her boyfriend's parents' house (where she was moving to), and Jeremy took the kids to do something. They all got home around the same time. Jeremy's mom was there, they all chatted for a bit, then Jeremy and his mom left. Jeremy no more than walked in my door, and she texted him, telling him he needed to come home and watch the kids so she could go to a Halloween party. He told her no, and she called, screaming at him. I started screaming, it was a huge blowout. Finally, he told her he'd come home. I told him if he walks out the door, don't come back. He left anyway.
We did not talk for two months.
Christmas time, we had some mutual friends come home from WY for the first time in a year, and they had their annual get together for all their friends, to which we were both invited. A few days prior to that, he had been helping Jason fix his blazer in my step father's garage, so we had been in the same place, but didn't speak. At the party, he pulled me aside and told me he missed me, has never stopped thinking about me, hates himself for letting her do that, he's learned his lesson, things are decent with her now, they hardly ever talk, etc.
So, I told him we could be friends, but I wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship, and didn't know if I would ever be, because he chose her over me too many times. But, to Jeremy, something was better than nothing, so he accepted.
Now we've been talking every day, all day long just like before. I had decided to leave the kids out of it for a while, but they've been brought back in. His kids love me, and I enjoy them as well. Draevyn loves Jeremy, and he enjoys Draevyn. We all go and do things as a family, and it's really nice. I miss Jeremy when he's gone. I go crazy if there's more than an hour that I don't hear from him, outside of sleep. I enjoy being with him and the kids.
But....
I don't really feel the love for him that I did before. He tells me he loves me, and I don't feel right returning the sentiment, because I don't feel it. I am not physically attracted to him like I was before, even though he's more attractive now. When I go out with friends, I not only don't invite him, I plain don't want him to go. I don't want to post pictures of he and I because I don't want people to think I'm taken, and miss out on another chance. Even though I'm pretty convinced I won't get another chance with anyone. Ever.
I'm not sure what to do. Jeremy asked me to marry him and I said no. But sometimes the thought is exciting. And then other times, it feels wrong. I love everything about the situation, but I don't love him anymore - like that. I thought maybe it would come back over time, but it hasn't yet, and it's been a month.
Any ideas?