and to top it off, my entire room spells of oil
so right now im so far past the breaking point that im amazed i can still spell, write, have the patience to put up with dialup, etc.
home life has been so up and down this week... completely driving me insane.... fine one minute, yelling the next, back to calm. its completely draining. there hasnt been a single night this week ive gone to bed without being yelled at, for such pointless things that i cant even remember what it was about. last ngiht it was because the internet was on. this is after i was in bed, half asleep, and still unable to walk. so i hear my mom yelling at me from downstairs, i sit up in bed, bang my heel against hte side of my bed, scream out various vulgarities in pain, and go to bed 5 minutes later shaking with fury. completely stupid. COMPLETELY pointless. then there was one about my copmuter still being on the floor (it CANT go on the desk beacuse the phone cord doesnt reach that far), one about soap, the mirror, the light, the desk lamp, the extra change, etc. its just so stupid yet, a i said, just DRAINING! and yet throughout the day theres also laughter, silence, etc. all the typical emotions that shouldnt be tied so closely together in such short periods of time. i need a break. SO badly. drum corps not going to help either this weekend. havent been able to practice bari since last camp, which was back in march. going to ABSOLUTELY suck. but hey, at least its a shorter camp than previously (still 2 1/2 days) and ill get to see david and daniel. still have to put up with (yes, put up with is the correct term) jamey and stephanie. i dont even want to know whats been going on there... just want it to be done with......... so sick of the drama
and about the computer: when i finally DID try to put it on the desk, it knocked over the oil lamp. now, that type of oil doesnt act like normal liquid. you cant see that the things are wet unless its a really smooth surface. the only way you can tell that its on your hand is by the smell and feel, and how its just a TAD bit more slippery than normal. combine that with the fact that i STILL dont have a light up here, i have no idea how much or where the oil spilled. i cant even tell if its on my hands or if it washed off or what..........
oh well, that probably has something to do w/ my instant hatred of significant others that i never do fully get over. dont ask if youre the exception. youre not. there is none.
gah its insane hw little these things actaully matter. which makes it that much worse because im getting completely overwhelmed by things that actually have no affect what so ever. and im going crazy about failing to make accomplishments that would have no affect either way. the thing that keeps so many people going is just fear of the unknown, which just goes to show how much faith people really have. (apologies for random outburst of thoughts)
still completely bummed out abuot the english paper. yes aj, im sorry, but i cant get over it. failing to meet my own standards, especially inthe eyes of someone i actaully admire and have boundless respect for, is killing me right now more effectively than the sleep deprivation, the emotional toyings that have been gonig on lately, or indeed anything else. and the fact that i suck at the poetry, our next big paper, isnt helping. so i might get a B for quarter. not okwith that. at all
then this morning i failed another math test. oh that was just lovely.
*insert stuff that i cant legally say due to my fear of the administration and expulsion 1 1/2 months before i graduate*
what else... saw my old house for the last time. AND found the silverware! id actually taken an extra spoon from the cafeteria so id be able to eat breakfast tomorrow. but yeah,turns out they never actually got PACKED. so by SHEER LUCK i opened the drawer, and there they were. this is after realizing that the dishwasher light was on, and then finding out that we hadnt ever emptied it after we moved out. so we had to pack up the dishes, mostly glasses, into a plastic bucket and hope that they didnt shatter on the car ride back.
last night we also finally brought the cats over my moms refusing to let them in the house until they get groomed (weve never had our pets groomed... cept maybe caspian....) so that they MIGHT stop having so many hairballs. until then, shes having them sleep in the garage. theyre FREAKING OUT. we had to drive them over last night, and we only had one cat box that could barely fit two. so i had to hold one on my lap. they kept yoweling the entire way back, and i havent really seen them since....
anyway, im off. nothing else to say really. so now, i shall impart to you wisdom from the conversation i just had:
life gets so much easier when you realize that most things you do can be worked through
question of the moment: will i be able to wear shoes tomorrow....