Leonard Triffid and his tree
So, last night I went for a midnight ramble with Leo, aka Leonard Triffid. We managed to get into this huge building site by propping a long branch against a tree next to the fence and climbing over the fence and a long mud hole that had provided the earth-mound for the fence. We smoked some bud and told each other hilarious stoner stories while we were overlooking this huge shallow lake that had formed in the ruts from the heavy rain, perfectly mirroring the London horizon. Then we decided to make a little havoc, and we eventually found some glass sheets that had been left between plastic covers. Leo decided that it would be a great game to wrap ourselves in the covers and go at each other with the glass panels. We wrapped ourselves up and tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee style we faced each other with the glass in hand. Leo said, ‘A’ight, just close your eyes when you see it coming,’ and I said ‘Right’ and then I thought for a second and then I said, ‘but how do I know when -‘ and CRASH out from the darkness came a large glass panel and my breath was taken away. Soon we were chasing each other all over the place picking up the glass panels and smashing them against each other; but Leo’s wrap-up was unravelling and when I caught him a low one the game was ended decisively.
After a long time spent lying on the ground and taking deep breaths Leo said he was going to take a piss to see if blood came out, and off he went in the direction of the lake. After a short while he re-emerged at full speed yelling ‘Run, Jonah! Run!’ and he flew past me with a security dog in full pursuit. Panic-stricken, I attempted to waddle in the direction of the tree but the material that covered my shins to just below my arms inhibited my movement and the dog, sensing easy prey, turned on me, snarling. It clamped on to the unravelling plastic around me as I ran, and my struggling arms pulled the material outwards so that the dog faintly orbited around me in the air as it clung on grimly by its teeth to my outer layers. Reaching the tree, I tried to jump up to Leo’s outstretched arm, but every time he was about to pull me up he collapsed in helpless laughter at my desperate and panic-stricken expression and dropped me back. Finally I jumped out from the material and climbed the tree myself, but in my panic I overbalanced and slid down the branch on the other side, which toppled over and fell into the water-filled mud hole with a kerplunk.
There was a sudden silence between us, the dog going crazy on the other side, and Leo said ‘Well, I’m fucked, then.’
‘Hey, don’t be so melodramatic. You can jump.’ There was a silence that followed, and I could see Leo lighting up for a ruminative smoke.
‘Jonah, we have no idea what is actually beneath me.’ ‘So? Jump. There’s nothing that’s gonna kill you.’ ‘I’m wearing my Avirex coat.’ We discussed the ins and outs of the situation, attempting to gauge the actual distance between us. Leo said he was going to wait until some moon appeared again. We waited awhile and then I spoke through the darkness:
‘So, how’s the world from up there in your tree, Leo?’ He took a philosophical puff.
‘Society seems such a petty thing. Possession feels transient. Your mum’s tits look even better from up here.’ He always brings my mum in to it when he’s pissed off.
‘You should have been a hermit, then.’ Pause. ‘You’d get more action that way.’
‘Where is that fucking moon?’
‘You have to accept that it won’t come. You’re faced with a muddy death trap on one side and a rabid dog on the other.’
‘Maybe it’s trying to be friendly.’
‘Maybe Charles Manson was just a hopeless romantic.’
Pause.
‘Fuck this. I’m going to throw the jacket across then just leap.’
‘A’ight man, throw me the zoot first.’
The zoot sails perhaps six feet and disappears with a sizzle into the water, severely discoraging Leo.
‘No way is this jacket going across. I’m going to sit in my tree and wait until morning.’
‘You think that you can sit out for the builders to come and rescue some skinny black kid stuck in a tree on their building site with about twenty broken panes of glass surrounding him? That’s gonna take some inspired explanation.’
Silence.
‘Well, good night, Leo, I’ve got to go to work in the morning, fun though this has been.’
‘Fuck, Jonah! Jonah, fuck!’
‘Yes?’
‘Wait - wait, I’m gonna jump across.’
‘I’m standing here, on the edge of the bank, to catch you.’
Leo then spent a few minutes psyching himself up, which basically meant swearing louder and louder, and then with a sudden leap, like a bird into the air, he jumped towards me.
Tragically, he nearly made it, landing with his feet on the other side, 'FUCKSHITBOLLOCKS-' and I briefly caught hold of him and then there was a 'KRKKHHH' before he fell backwards into the middle of the mud hole, and with a sort of girlish 'eeeeeeeeeeee' disappeared into the water leaving me sprawled in shocked silence, holding a sleeve from his Avirex coat.
Which was funny right up until the moment he emerged like a swamp monster and came at me wielding the broken log. Now I live in fear, for revenge, I am sure, will be swift and merciless, and knowing Leonard Triffid it will have something to do with my groin, my favourite jacket, a mud hole and my mum.
After a long time spent lying on the ground and taking deep breaths Leo said he was going to take a piss to see if blood came out, and off he went in the direction of the lake. After a short while he re-emerged at full speed yelling ‘Run, Jonah! Run!’ and he flew past me with a security dog in full pursuit. Panic-stricken, I attempted to waddle in the direction of the tree but the material that covered my shins to just below my arms inhibited my movement and the dog, sensing easy prey, turned on me, snarling. It clamped on to the unravelling plastic around me as I ran, and my struggling arms pulled the material outwards so that the dog faintly orbited around me in the air as it clung on grimly by its teeth to my outer layers. Reaching the tree, I tried to jump up to Leo’s outstretched arm, but every time he was about to pull me up he collapsed in helpless laughter at my desperate and panic-stricken expression and dropped me back. Finally I jumped out from the material and climbed the tree myself, but in my panic I overbalanced and slid down the branch on the other side, which toppled over and fell into the water-filled mud hole with a kerplunk.
There was a sudden silence between us, the dog going crazy on the other side, and Leo said ‘Well, I’m fucked, then.’
‘Hey, don’t be so melodramatic. You can jump.’ There was a silence that followed, and I could see Leo lighting up for a ruminative smoke.
‘Jonah, we have no idea what is actually beneath me.’ ‘So? Jump. There’s nothing that’s gonna kill you.’ ‘I’m wearing my Avirex coat.’ We discussed the ins and outs of the situation, attempting to gauge the actual distance between us. Leo said he was going to wait until some moon appeared again. We waited awhile and then I spoke through the darkness:
‘So, how’s the world from up there in your tree, Leo?’ He took a philosophical puff.
‘Society seems such a petty thing. Possession feels transient. Your mum’s tits look even better from up here.’ He always brings my mum in to it when he’s pissed off.
‘You should have been a hermit, then.’ Pause. ‘You’d get more action that way.’
‘Where is that fucking moon?’
‘You have to accept that it won’t come. You’re faced with a muddy death trap on one side and a rabid dog on the other.’
‘Maybe it’s trying to be friendly.’
‘Maybe Charles Manson was just a hopeless romantic.’
Pause.
‘Fuck this. I’m going to throw the jacket across then just leap.’
‘A’ight man, throw me the zoot first.’
The zoot sails perhaps six feet and disappears with a sizzle into the water, severely discoraging Leo.
‘No way is this jacket going across. I’m going to sit in my tree and wait until morning.’
‘You think that you can sit out for the builders to come and rescue some skinny black kid stuck in a tree on their building site with about twenty broken panes of glass surrounding him? That’s gonna take some inspired explanation.’
Silence.
‘Well, good night, Leo, I’ve got to go to work in the morning, fun though this has been.’
‘Fuck, Jonah! Jonah, fuck!’
‘Yes?’
‘Wait - wait, I’m gonna jump across.’
‘I’m standing here, on the edge of the bank, to catch you.’
Leo then spent a few minutes psyching himself up, which basically meant swearing louder and louder, and then with a sudden leap, like a bird into the air, he jumped towards me.
Tragically, he nearly made it, landing with his feet on the other side, 'FUCKSHITBOLLOCKS-' and I briefly caught hold of him and then there was a 'KRKKHHH' before he fell backwards into the middle of the mud hole, and with a sort of girlish 'eeeeeeeeeeee' disappeared into the water leaving me sprawled in shocked silence, holding a sleeve from his Avirex coat.
Which was funny right up until the moment he emerged like a swamp monster and came at me wielding the broken log. Now I live in fear, for revenge, I am sure, will be swift and merciless, and knowing Leonard Triffid it will have something to do with my groin, my favourite jacket, a mud hole and my mum.