you can be hopeful in uncertain times
So.
there are some days where all I feel like doing is cooping up at home in the hope of exhausting my procrastination so I may actually start attempting to clear my mountain of a workload. today happens to be one of those days.
this week has somewhat been a downer, and what a quick turn of events it has been, last week saw me relishing the quiet joys of successfully submitting 3 reports, a class test, dozens of meetings, and an interview. but I am starting to realize indeed that "where your treasure is, there your heart is also", and needing to be more cautious in my placing of what should be important to me. was just sharing with ben last night that I need some assurance from God, or some sign to validate my self-worth. or just to assure me that yes it's okay to try new things and fail at them, one doesn't have to be good at everything. in fact, one shouldn't be, for how much more ego can a man handle then?
the persisting question in my life hasn't so much been a why than it is a how? and this journey of discovering the 'how to...' has been quite thrilling to say the least. I very much enjoy the fascination nowadays when I'm in classes, opening myself up more to learning, to see how the pieces fit, why I should know how they fit, and seeing things from a bigger picture. and yes, it does take five steps back away from my own stubborn and prideful mindset to start seeing these things.
I've also quite forgotten how nice it is to have proper conversations with acquaintances/people in general. it has been an unconsciously deliberate decision on my part the latter part of last year to just stick with the familiar and shun everyone, and I've missed that fuzzy feeling of a real (not imagined) community of people and conversations. like how just yesterday while waiting outside my politics class and discussing with my classmates about puzzling off-topic questions like 'why can't trees sue?" and "what is the storyline of the hunger games"...for a moment while in the heat of our debate I was so overwhelmed with amusement and happiness at how many people just started joining in the conversation that I had to take a step back to internalize this happy feeling. I love my polsci class, even if I am only a quarter of everyone's brilliance.
there are definitely things to look towards, although for now I'm not quite sure what to look forward to. a blurry mindscape of my summer plans but I am okay with that. my heart is now open to anything that comes my way.
To openness and a clearer head,
xxx
(pardon the narcissism, sometimes you need some outward view of yourself to remind yourself how you appear to others - admittedly, my world is bigger than just my head)
there are some days where all I feel like doing is cooping up at home in the hope of exhausting my procrastination so I may actually start attempting to clear my mountain of a workload. today happens to be one of those days.
this week has somewhat been a downer, and what a quick turn of events it has been, last week saw me relishing the quiet joys of successfully submitting 3 reports, a class test, dozens of meetings, and an interview. but I am starting to realize indeed that "where your treasure is, there your heart is also", and needing to be more cautious in my placing of what should be important to me. was just sharing with ben last night that I need some assurance from God, or some sign to validate my self-worth. or just to assure me that yes it's okay to try new things and fail at them, one doesn't have to be good at everything. in fact, one shouldn't be, for how much more ego can a man handle then?
the persisting question in my life hasn't so much been a why than it is a how? and this journey of discovering the 'how to...' has been quite thrilling to say the least. I very much enjoy the fascination nowadays when I'm in classes, opening myself up more to learning, to see how the pieces fit, why I should know how they fit, and seeing things from a bigger picture. and yes, it does take five steps back away from my own stubborn and prideful mindset to start seeing these things.
I've also quite forgotten how nice it is to have proper conversations with acquaintances/people in general. it has been an unconsciously deliberate decision on my part the latter part of last year to just stick with the familiar and shun everyone, and I've missed that fuzzy feeling of a real (not imagined) community of people and conversations. like how just yesterday while waiting outside my politics class and discussing with my classmates about puzzling off-topic questions like 'why can't trees sue?" and "what is the storyline of the hunger games"...for a moment while in the heat of our debate I was so overwhelmed with amusement and happiness at how many people just started joining in the conversation that I had to take a step back to internalize this happy feeling. I love my polsci class, even if I am only a quarter of everyone's brilliance.
there are definitely things to look towards, although for now I'm not quite sure what to look forward to. a blurry mindscape of my summer plans but I am okay with that. my heart is now open to anything that comes my way.
To openness and a clearer head,
xxx
(pardon the narcissism, sometimes you need some outward view of yourself to remind yourself how you appear to others - admittedly, my world is bigger than just my head)