Moscow has seen more openings than an Amsterdam gynaecologist
New Zealand is a lovely spot, it is just a bit too far away from the civilised world. Every time something extraordinary happens somewhere out there - I feel left out, both physically and emotionally. I mean whoever thought of soccer Champions League taking place in Moscow must have been joking. When they say Russia is for Russians, they do not necessarily mean a bad thing. They just mean that it is harder on foreigners - and the English media offers their “Russia for dummies” course.
It all starts off very nicely for Independent - they go around in a limo, visit some chain coffee places, the corpse of Lenin and a cathedral or two. And then it pops - the dummies course. “There are 3 types of cuisine, Russian aristocratic, a hazy taste-memory from the days when the Tsars hired French chefs; sushi, which in many Moscow restaurants has become the national cuisine; and rustic peasant fare, whose greatest hits include dumplings, borscht and jellied pike.” The author suggests to stick to the latest, which is supposed to be eaten at the most luxurious of all Moscow restaurants - the Pushkin.
A lot of funny details there, really. The author forgets to mention that the number of fans expected is about 80.000 people - the number of hotel beds available is only around 20.000. That the plane tickets are already impossible to get, and the entry visas are being issued full-time but the embassies are not coping either. But it does emphasize the three absolute must-haves for any Russian: Bentley for him, Botox for her and sushi for the elite. Also, apparently for those who will make it to the League games, there are six simple rules to follow: (1) a man without a good watch is not a man; (2) a man without a stunning girl next to him is not a man; (3) the man always pays; (4) never approach a pretty girl in a club, because you risk getting shot by her boyfriend; (5) if a girl approaches you in a nightclub, chances are she’s a prostitute; and (6) never try to outdrink a Russian.
On the contrary, the Mirror review is not that interesting. Don’t buy any cheap vodka, be polite to the locals, but do not drink with them; do not lose your passport; do not engage into the street fights (might get killed). Visit the Red Square, a cathedral or two, the KBG palace on Lubyanka (sic!) and the Pushkin - this time, it’s a museum. Good luck orienteering, indeed.
To be perfectly honest, I already feel sorry for those naive English soccer fans. They are expecting all that jazz, oligarchs and beautiful prostitutes - and then they will arrive in Luzhniki by an old bus, get beaten by the local fans, get drunk with the local fans - and there will be it for tourism. Nowhere to sleep, and nothing to spend after one meal at Pushkin. “The first mention of Moscow as a settlement occurred in 1147 - and Russians still call it the “big village”. Oh well, at least there will be no tanks by the end of May - isn’t it wonderful?
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Originally published at eugenia.co.nz.