It's better to have loved and lost.....
There are 3 people in my life that are causing me pain right now. 2 of them know it, the other one probably doesn't.
I am not here to talk a bunch of smack about them or call them out on anything, but just to let them know that yes, you are causing me pain. People have snits, and people misunderstand each other and I am sure that is what most of this is. But for now, right now. I am in pain.
I usually am pretty good at the whole not getting emotionally invested in people thing. I tend to keep my distance from people because I don't like this feeling. I don't usually like to talk about what I'm feeling about things, or put any trust in people. Usually I can take care of my emotional crap myself. I understand the whole existentialist philosophy that if you never let yourself go and trust people and love them then you will never experience love in return. The joy and ecstacy of connecting with another person is worth the amount of pain you have to go through when it ends. I get it. The Taoist philosophy states that if you do not allow yourself to feel anything in great extremes, then you will never be out of balance. If you never feel joy, you won't feel sorrow, if you never know the feeling of pure unadulterated love, you will also never know the mind numbing loss when it is gone.
Personally, I make a sucky Taoist. I always have. I would rather go through this hollow numbness I am feeling right now if I can have nights like I have had in the past. It IS worth it. Without this, you never really know how good the highs are and the friends are. You never sleep with that feeling that the world is all ok because you have worked to make it so.
The other piece of good news for myself is that through all of this. All of the ups and downs and screaming and crying, I still think I am worth it. As elitist as it may sound, it's these 3 people that are missing out. I will miss them, and they all hold great value to me but they are missing out on value in their lives too. Someday they will see it, and even if they don't I will still hold the short time I had very dear to me. They have helped me grow and change and experience and become the person I am today. And for that, I am very grateful.
Thank you for the good times, I hope to have them again.
Thank you for the bad times, I hope to learn from them.
Ka, Khef and Ka-tet
I am not here to talk a bunch of smack about them or call them out on anything, but just to let them know that yes, you are causing me pain. People have snits, and people misunderstand each other and I am sure that is what most of this is. But for now, right now. I am in pain.
I usually am pretty good at the whole not getting emotionally invested in people thing. I tend to keep my distance from people because I don't like this feeling. I don't usually like to talk about what I'm feeling about things, or put any trust in people. Usually I can take care of my emotional crap myself. I understand the whole existentialist philosophy that if you never let yourself go and trust people and love them then you will never experience love in return. The joy and ecstacy of connecting with another person is worth the amount of pain you have to go through when it ends. I get it. The Taoist philosophy states that if you do not allow yourself to feel anything in great extremes, then you will never be out of balance. If you never feel joy, you won't feel sorrow, if you never know the feeling of pure unadulterated love, you will also never know the mind numbing loss when it is gone.
Personally, I make a sucky Taoist. I always have. I would rather go through this hollow numbness I am feeling right now if I can have nights like I have had in the past. It IS worth it. Without this, you never really know how good the highs are and the friends are. You never sleep with that feeling that the world is all ok because you have worked to make it so.
The other piece of good news for myself is that through all of this. All of the ups and downs and screaming and crying, I still think I am worth it. As elitist as it may sound, it's these 3 people that are missing out. I will miss them, and they all hold great value to me but they are missing out on value in their lives too. Someday they will see it, and even if they don't I will still hold the short time I had very dear to me. They have helped me grow and change and experience and become the person I am today. And for that, I am very grateful.
Thank you for the good times, I hope to have them again.
Thank you for the bad times, I hope to learn from them.
Ka, Khef and Ka-tet