Bleh.
I hate waking up early. When I've gone to bed early, it's a good idea, but I still really don't wake up until around noon. I'd rather stay up until 3, then sleep 'til 11. But, sadly, that's based off of all of the late-night closing work has had me doing. Now they're having me come in at 8 in the morning instead.
Though that's a good thing. I spent the week before last getting trained to work the cash office, and I've had several days now where I've come in and done it. My time has gone from 6 and a half hours with a few mistakes to 5 hours with no mistakes. *cheers* Though the two people who do it regularly (I'm just going to be a backup) get it done in about 3 and a half hours... But they've been doing it for a couple of years now, and have the process/movements down and coordinated.
So far, the cash office is my favorite position at work. Ever since I started working retail, I've been constantly battling my tendency to get so caught up in what I'm doing that I tune everything else out, to get lost in a task... You just can't do that in retail. You always have to be aware of several different things, keeping up with and/or a watch on them. So basically I put together a mental list of everything I need to be keeping track of, and then every few minutes make myself mentally stop, run down the list, make sure everything's up-to-date, and proceed accordingly.
But in the cash office I don't have to do that. There's *one* thing I need to be doing at a time, and they *want* me focused on doing that right. I'm locked away in a little room by myself, with no distractions or expectations except that I complete each step thoroughly and correctly. (And quickly, though the first two take priority, and so far they've been apparently understanding since it's my first two weeks at it, and even afterwards, I'm going to be doing it sporadically.) It's amazing to be able to do that. I go in, start doing my thing, and look up 5 hours later with a job well-done. It's... mentally cleansing, almost. I think I forget how much time I spend chasing my thoughts 'round and 'round, trying to weigh and attend to everything. The silence is refreshing, if that doesn't sound too psychotic. (-; I don't know how much of that is just the newness, but I'm just realizing how relaxing it's been. We'll see what happens with it.
But all of that leads back to a new set of thoughts I've had before, but haven't recently seen anything specific to support. I tend to think of myself as flighty, because if it's not what I'm doing now, and I haven't put effort into making myself remember, then I'm probably going to forget it. It's another tendency I've spent a lot of time and effort overcoming, developing habits and making a conscious effort to remember things, because I can generally assume I'm forgetting something. Every time I go from point A to point B (including from the guest service desk to the break room), I make myself stop(!) and do an inventory - purse? (have it/left it in x location) Keys? (ditto) Cell phone? (recent addition after a couple of near-losses because it wasn't on the list because Guy always has it) When I leave the apartment, I lock the door, make a point to try to open it once or twice to be sure it's closed, then think to myself "Yes, I locked the door." That way, when I get down to the car and the question "Did I remember to lock the door?" pops up in my mind, I have a recent memory of "Yes, I locked the door." While I've never actually *forgotten* to lock the door, it's saved numerous paranoid trips back up the stairs to make sure I *didn't* forget. If I verbally tell myself "Remember to get x at the store," and because whenever I leave work I think "Was there anything else I needed to get here?" I can usually remember to pick it up.
Anyhoo, I've refined my perception of myself slightly. It's not so much that I'm flighty, as that I'm too focused. When my mind is on one thing, or chasing from one thing to the next, it tends to tune other things out, so they get lost. Going from point A to point B, I don't naturally think "Do I have everything?" I think "Okay, going to point B, where x will happen." Once I'm out the door and have it locked, I'm no longer thinking about the door, so it's gone from memory. At work, I tend to go from "working" to "going home" - I'm just making myself insert "picking things up" as a possible mediate phase.
Though to some extent, I guess that's really what "flighty" implies. I get carried away by my thoughts, and lose consciousness of other things. But I think that it's not because I can't focus on something, but rather because I'm too focused on something else. I think it's part of why I can be such a klutz, too - I'm caught up in getting where I'm going, or doing what I'm doing, and don't notice there's a doorknob, or shelf, or chair in the way. Sometimes I'm so caught up I don't actually notice that I ran into something, until later when I notice I've got a bruise I don't remember earning.
I think it's also a large part of why I can be fairly oblivious to when I'm upsetting someone. I'm focused on what we're talking about/doing, and other considerations become external rather than part of that action... If something's upsetting me long-term, I think I'm the sort who will bring it up and try to see it resolved, as honestly and directly as possible. I'm just recently realizing that that's something an apparently lot of people consider rude, or at least the sort of people I'm drawn to. Where I'd been expecting other people to do the same, I now need to find a way to be more conscious so that they don't have to directly say that something's a problem.
*sighs tiredly* Damn, I went from positive mood to exhausted in a few paragraphs. I just get so tired of fighting myself. I miss the days when I could pick a thought, talk it out, follow it to another, talk it out, chase that one to something else. I miss being able to just get caught up in a project or idea, try to find any and every way that it could be accomplished or bettered ( well, possibilities - it's always important to have a realistic grounding personality around to keep everything together and running (-; ), and chase it into the ground. I know those habits don't work in my life right now, and don't know if they ever will, so I need to change them, change so many aspects of my approach to the world. It's a positive set of changes - broadening my mind, being more aware of my surroundings, being able to function in the world I'm part of. But sometimes... sometimes I wish there were a way I could function as I am, find a role and method that fits me rather than the other way around. I've learned that in the real world, people don't tell you when you're screwing up, they save it up for later and blast you to the ground... but how do you know when you're screwing up if nobody will tell you? I lost a chance at promotion (well, that turned out for the best in the long-run) because nobody told me my basic attitude toward my job was wrong, wasting time and resources, and costing me any regard the management of the store might have had for me. After months of doing things wrong, months of me asking my manager how I was doing and if there was anything I needed to do differently, someone *finally* told me that nobody had any confidence in me because of my performance. Since then I've reversed my approach to the job, and haven't gotten any further feedback from that person, so I don't know if that means I'm still screwing up or doing it right now (which I think I am, but I thought I was before, so who knows). I figure I'll find out when they fire or promote me. A transfer I'm not sure on - they could be passing me on to a better place, or just trying to get me off of their hands. So... whatever. That they've put me into the cash office, even as a backup, I take as a very positive sign - it's definitely a position you want to have someone you trust to do the job right. But it could also be a way to keep me quiet and happy, since it all came out when I sort of lost it at work because I felt like I was being dicked around with, told some things were possibilities when I asked and then being ignored or avoided afterwards. (Though, truly, I don't think that they would put someone they didn't trust into the cash office, for any reason. So now it's just a matter of fulfilling that trust, and hoping they'll tell me if I need to do something different.)
But therein lies the dilemma. How do you make yourself more conscious of how people around you are reacting if they won't confirm your instincts? If you ask direct questions and they either avoid answering or even lie to you because they think it's someone else's job to deal with you? How do you tell the difference between paranoid fears and good instincts? Trusting my instincts hasn't turned out well in the past... though maybe the problem was *not* trusting my instincts because someone lied to me and said those instincts were wrong. But how do I do that without distrusting other people when they say things that are different from my instincts? I don't want to be second-guessing everyone else as *well* as myself... But I also don't want to be floating, oblivious, through distrust and anger.
Mmmm... the rainbow iPod minis are mesmerising. And the target "shooting" lines cover the marks on the white circle part. Nifty.
Ah, well. I've been clinging to Happy Rhodes lyrics to settle my mind lately:
"You can't know them like you know yourself;
I know... I know...
Therefore, find your peace.
I can't... I can't...
Demand only from yourself...
I try... I try...
Don't rely on your logic.
I don't... I don't...
You've made your choice,
now go to the end.
You will find your peace.
When it comes, greet it,
welcome it,
make it stay."
One of the most apropos lyric sets I've found to fit my mood. When it gets to "The instincts you feel are the truth. / Are they? Are they now?" especially. (-; Same internal struggle, with some fair advice at the end.
Heh. "I'm Gonna Be" just popped up on random, and it always makes me think of the Ranma AMV centered around the dude who constantly gets lost. It's a nice final mood-saver. (-:
Oooooh... must find the Tra-la-la Utena AMV, and the Hamster Dance one. Those were hilarious...
Though that's a good thing. I spent the week before last getting trained to work the cash office, and I've had several days now where I've come in and done it. My time has gone from 6 and a half hours with a few mistakes to 5 hours with no mistakes. *cheers* Though the two people who do it regularly (I'm just going to be a backup) get it done in about 3 and a half hours... But they've been doing it for a couple of years now, and have the process/movements down and coordinated.
So far, the cash office is my favorite position at work. Ever since I started working retail, I've been constantly battling my tendency to get so caught up in what I'm doing that I tune everything else out, to get lost in a task... You just can't do that in retail. You always have to be aware of several different things, keeping up with and/or a watch on them. So basically I put together a mental list of everything I need to be keeping track of, and then every few minutes make myself mentally stop, run down the list, make sure everything's up-to-date, and proceed accordingly.
But in the cash office I don't have to do that. There's *one* thing I need to be doing at a time, and they *want* me focused on doing that right. I'm locked away in a little room by myself, with no distractions or expectations except that I complete each step thoroughly and correctly. (And quickly, though the first two take priority, and so far they've been apparently understanding since it's my first two weeks at it, and even afterwards, I'm going to be doing it sporadically.) It's amazing to be able to do that. I go in, start doing my thing, and look up 5 hours later with a job well-done. It's... mentally cleansing, almost. I think I forget how much time I spend chasing my thoughts 'round and 'round, trying to weigh and attend to everything. The silence is refreshing, if that doesn't sound too psychotic. (-; I don't know how much of that is just the newness, but I'm just realizing how relaxing it's been. We'll see what happens with it.
But all of that leads back to a new set of thoughts I've had before, but haven't recently seen anything specific to support. I tend to think of myself as flighty, because if it's not what I'm doing now, and I haven't put effort into making myself remember, then I'm probably going to forget it. It's another tendency I've spent a lot of time and effort overcoming, developing habits and making a conscious effort to remember things, because I can generally assume I'm forgetting something. Every time I go from point A to point B (including from the guest service desk to the break room), I make myself stop(!) and do an inventory - purse? (have it/left it in x location) Keys? (ditto) Cell phone? (recent addition after a couple of near-losses because it wasn't on the list because Guy always has it) When I leave the apartment, I lock the door, make a point to try to open it once or twice to be sure it's closed, then think to myself "Yes, I locked the door." That way, when I get down to the car and the question "Did I remember to lock the door?" pops up in my mind, I have a recent memory of "Yes, I locked the door." While I've never actually *forgotten* to lock the door, it's saved numerous paranoid trips back up the stairs to make sure I *didn't* forget. If I verbally tell myself "Remember to get x at the store," and because whenever I leave work I think "Was there anything else I needed to get here?" I can usually remember to pick it up.
Anyhoo, I've refined my perception of myself slightly. It's not so much that I'm flighty, as that I'm too focused. When my mind is on one thing, or chasing from one thing to the next, it tends to tune other things out, so they get lost. Going from point A to point B, I don't naturally think "Do I have everything?" I think "Okay, going to point B, where x will happen." Once I'm out the door and have it locked, I'm no longer thinking about the door, so it's gone from memory. At work, I tend to go from "working" to "going home" - I'm just making myself insert "picking things up" as a possible mediate phase.
Though to some extent, I guess that's really what "flighty" implies. I get carried away by my thoughts, and lose consciousness of other things. But I think that it's not because I can't focus on something, but rather because I'm too focused on something else. I think it's part of why I can be such a klutz, too - I'm caught up in getting where I'm going, or doing what I'm doing, and don't notice there's a doorknob, or shelf, or chair in the way. Sometimes I'm so caught up I don't actually notice that I ran into something, until later when I notice I've got a bruise I don't remember earning.
I think it's also a large part of why I can be fairly oblivious to when I'm upsetting someone. I'm focused on what we're talking about/doing, and other considerations become external rather than part of that action... If something's upsetting me long-term, I think I'm the sort who will bring it up and try to see it resolved, as honestly and directly as possible. I'm just recently realizing that that's something an apparently lot of people consider rude, or at least the sort of people I'm drawn to. Where I'd been expecting other people to do the same, I now need to find a way to be more conscious so that they don't have to directly say that something's a problem.
*sighs tiredly* Damn, I went from positive mood to exhausted in a few paragraphs. I just get so tired of fighting myself. I miss the days when I could pick a thought, talk it out, follow it to another, talk it out, chase that one to something else. I miss being able to just get caught up in a project or idea, try to find any and every way that it could be accomplished or bettered ( well, possibilities - it's always important to have a realistic grounding personality around to keep everything together and running (-; ), and chase it into the ground. I know those habits don't work in my life right now, and don't know if they ever will, so I need to change them, change so many aspects of my approach to the world. It's a positive set of changes - broadening my mind, being more aware of my surroundings, being able to function in the world I'm part of. But sometimes... sometimes I wish there were a way I could function as I am, find a role and method that fits me rather than the other way around. I've learned that in the real world, people don't tell you when you're screwing up, they save it up for later and blast you to the ground... but how do you know when you're screwing up if nobody will tell you? I lost a chance at promotion (well, that turned out for the best in the long-run) because nobody told me my basic attitude toward my job was wrong, wasting time and resources, and costing me any regard the management of the store might have had for me. After months of doing things wrong, months of me asking my manager how I was doing and if there was anything I needed to do differently, someone *finally* told me that nobody had any confidence in me because of my performance. Since then I've reversed my approach to the job, and haven't gotten any further feedback from that person, so I don't know if that means I'm still screwing up or doing it right now (which I think I am, but I thought I was before, so who knows). I figure I'll find out when they fire or promote me. A transfer I'm not sure on - they could be passing me on to a better place, or just trying to get me off of their hands. So... whatever. That they've put me into the cash office, even as a backup, I take as a very positive sign - it's definitely a position you want to have someone you trust to do the job right. But it could also be a way to keep me quiet and happy, since it all came out when I sort of lost it at work because I felt like I was being dicked around with, told some things were possibilities when I asked and then being ignored or avoided afterwards. (Though, truly, I don't think that they would put someone they didn't trust into the cash office, for any reason. So now it's just a matter of fulfilling that trust, and hoping they'll tell me if I need to do something different.)
But therein lies the dilemma. How do you make yourself more conscious of how people around you are reacting if they won't confirm your instincts? If you ask direct questions and they either avoid answering or even lie to you because they think it's someone else's job to deal with you? How do you tell the difference between paranoid fears and good instincts? Trusting my instincts hasn't turned out well in the past... though maybe the problem was *not* trusting my instincts because someone lied to me and said those instincts were wrong. But how do I do that without distrusting other people when they say things that are different from my instincts? I don't want to be second-guessing everyone else as *well* as myself... But I also don't want to be floating, oblivious, through distrust and anger.
Mmmm... the rainbow iPod minis are mesmerising. And the target "shooting" lines cover the marks on the white circle part. Nifty.
Ah, well. I've been clinging to Happy Rhodes lyrics to settle my mind lately:
"You can't know them like you know yourself;
I know... I know...
Therefore, find your peace.
I can't... I can't...
Demand only from yourself...
I try... I try...
Don't rely on your logic.
I don't... I don't...
You've made your choice,
now go to the end.
You will find your peace.
When it comes, greet it,
welcome it,
make it stay."
One of the most apropos lyric sets I've found to fit my mood. When it gets to "The instincts you feel are the truth. / Are they? Are they now?" especially. (-; Same internal struggle, with some fair advice at the end.
Heh. "I'm Gonna Be" just popped up on random, and it always makes me think of the Ranma AMV centered around the dude who constantly gets lost. It's a nice final mood-saver. (-:
Oooooh... must find the Tra-la-la Utena AMV, and the Hamster Dance one. Those were hilarious...