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Breaking up with Singlehood... a sure ticket to Coupledom
by Aileenette Almazan
9th October 2008
Inspired by my crazy infatuation for La 'Sex & the City', here's my "Carriesque" attempt at an article piece about the human condition : L.O.V.E. and relationships. When boredom and spite just isn't fun enough...
Breaking up with Singlehood... a sure ticket to Coupledom
Single people possess a common mantra which becomes a constant reminder when they catch themselves contemplating a life with that potential “someone special”.
Regardless of their personal history; no matter the values they hold, despite their self-esteem issues or current state of mind, the magical mantra remains the same; “I will not lose myself when I find THE ONE.”
Then “magic” happens! A once, random person suddenly consumes your thoughts, they possess a warmth about them - something you’ve never seen in anyone else and being with them makes it seem as though your world could not possibly be more beautiful...You are in love.
Not a mili-second passes without the anticipation of seeing your beau or goddess. The cynical persona you once wore as your guard is discarded and the world is now Utopia wherein no one else exists but you and your one true love. The rapture, contentment and deep infatuation lingers to something bigger than you can imagine and then, suddenly, you realise you’ve lost most of your friends! And to add assault to the injury of losing people you once held dear to your heart, you’re also battered by the realisation that YOU have lost yourself.
It is fair to say that when we get into relationships, our perceptions can easily become askew. We suddenly stop becoming an “I” or “me” and unconsciously refer to ourself as “we” even if we’re referring to the individual.
The main priority and sole focus is “my baby” or “honey bunny” or “handsome” or “sexy” (whatever awful term of endearment we creatively conjure with our partner to make the relationship mutually exclusive).
The business of keeping a relationship and ensuring that it survives longer than
our last “one true love” incorporates:
1.) meeting the family (and without fail; attempting with all your might to try impress the heck out of them).
2.) meeting friends (to try and find a common ground besides your partner).
and 3.) the most trying task of all - to make both your worlds collide without seeing any signs of the apocalypse. You then realise that your world is not as perfect as you hallucinated.
After the “honeymoon period” (apparently after 3 months), the veil is lifted and reality hits you in the face; you see your partner’s “real” self and in turn they see the “real” you. The exhilaration you once felt is replaced by fear - the fear of losing the attention and affection you’ve suddenly grown accustomed to. Your insecurities plague you - you’ve given all that you possibly could - is there any other way to surpass yourself? - this becomes the crossroads in the most important relationship you have - the relationship with yourself.
When one-too many hurtful things have been said between friends, when all other vital
relationships are forsaken for the sake of “love” and “true happiness”, one needs to wonder - “is it me? or is everyone else being pricks? - they don’t want to see me happy?”. The truth is, in every relationship we volunteer ourselves into, it is a commonplace wisdom that nothing else changes in our world but our perception. In other words, in starting new relationships dynamics change, attention and loyalty shifts but the overall impact of a new relationship to ourselves and those around us all depend on the way in which we conduct ourselves and our ability to balance our so-called lives - in it’s many forms. Don’t forget that we build our worlds based upon our perception - the mind is the most powerful part of our being. Fair enough some people are truly jealous idiots who can’t stand to see anyone else happy, others may be jealous and barrade you with comments on how you’ve morphed into a completely different person - “people, what a bunch of a**holes!!!” [IT Crowd Season 2].
Despite all the “dramas” and negative protests against your new found and well deserved bliss, it is suffice to say that perhaps you may need to take people’s opinions into account (at least the people you once cared most about). After all, your friends were the souls who witnessed your unwavering oath to “not lose yourself”, they knew and appreciated you without expecting any conjugal rewards and above all, whatever happened to the timeless adage that says; “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.” Friends, whether we admit to it or not, have an enormous influence in the formation of our values and in extension - their presence to some degree, contributes to our core persona.
Good friends know about our petty insecurities and try to console us and alleviate the awkwardness by highlighting our best qualities. Lifelong friends know of our secret rendezvous and share the laughs about all the cringy details. Great friends tolerate and sometimes even share our unflattering vices (like chocolate, nicotine or shoes). But above all, they will without question let you know when something is wrong.
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is suddenly ganging up on you? Your family, your “so-called friends” and even your dog or cat tries to distant her/himself from you in order to avoid feeling the pangs of sadness when you abandon them for your new “true love”?
It’s always easiest to take on the victim mentality in any situation we find ourselves in, after all, every person on earth is their own protagonist in their own twisted, personal life story. It is a virtue however, to have the capacity to imagine yourself removed from any situation - try empathy, apparently it works wonders. Friends can try to understand the person drowning in their own vat of love, and the punched-drunk, lovesick person can attempt to salvage friendships (if worthy) by reflecting on themselves and develop the skill in balancing colliding worlds.
If all else fails however, or if it is decided that long friendships aren’t worth salvaging (and like the Beatles, you also affirm that “LOVE is all you need”), think of the longest and most important relationship you have - with yourself. Is it still worth losing everything you’ve developed throughout your singlehood just because you didn’t take the time to really build the proper foundations of balanced relationships in your “coupledom”?
Ours is a world of wants, needs, contradictions, and multiplicities. We live in our minds in which; we are our own, individual players. It is a common misconception that for us to be happy in love we must give our ALL. If we surrender our ability to direct and play our own parts in our lives, the consequences could be dire and irreversible - almost too tragic to contemplate. So the next time we try and start a covenant with ourselves, lets ensure that it’s not only a fleeting fancy which disappears as easily as it comes. At the risk of sounding trite and cynical; A promise to ourselves requires utmost sincerity and truthfulness of heart, because if we can’t keep a promise we made to ourselves, how can we even dare to promise our “ALL” to someone else?
So, here's to love, new love, old love, lost love, unrequited love... just love, in all forms. Jason Mraz...
by Aileenette Almazan
9th October 2008
Inspired by my crazy infatuation for La 'Sex & the City', here's my "Carriesque" attempt at an article piece about the human condition : L.O.V.E. and relationships. When boredom and spite just isn't fun enough...
Breaking up with Singlehood... a sure ticket to Coupledom
Single people possess a common mantra which becomes a constant reminder when they catch themselves contemplating a life with that potential “someone special”.
Regardless of their personal history; no matter the values they hold, despite their self-esteem issues or current state of mind, the magical mantra remains the same; “I will not lose myself when I find THE ONE.”
Then “magic” happens! A once, random person suddenly consumes your thoughts, they possess a warmth about them - something you’ve never seen in anyone else and being with them makes it seem as though your world could not possibly be more beautiful...You are in love.
Not a mili-second passes without the anticipation of seeing your beau or goddess. The cynical persona you once wore as your guard is discarded and the world is now Utopia wherein no one else exists but you and your one true love. The rapture, contentment and deep infatuation lingers to something bigger than you can imagine and then, suddenly, you realise you’ve lost most of your friends! And to add assault to the injury of losing people you once held dear to your heart, you’re also battered by the realisation that YOU have lost yourself.
It is fair to say that when we get into relationships, our perceptions can easily become askew. We suddenly stop becoming an “I” or “me” and unconsciously refer to ourself as “we” even if we’re referring to the individual.
The main priority and sole focus is “my baby” or “honey bunny” or “handsome” or “sexy” (whatever awful term of endearment we creatively conjure with our partner to make the relationship mutually exclusive).
The business of keeping a relationship and ensuring that it survives longer than
our last “one true love” incorporates:
1.) meeting the family (and without fail; attempting with all your might to try impress the heck out of them).
2.) meeting friends (to try and find a common ground besides your partner).
and 3.) the most trying task of all - to make both your worlds collide without seeing any signs of the apocalypse. You then realise that your world is not as perfect as you hallucinated.
After the “honeymoon period” (apparently after 3 months), the veil is lifted and reality hits you in the face; you see your partner’s “real” self and in turn they see the “real” you. The exhilaration you once felt is replaced by fear - the fear of losing the attention and affection you’ve suddenly grown accustomed to. Your insecurities plague you - you’ve given all that you possibly could - is there any other way to surpass yourself? - this becomes the crossroads in the most important relationship you have - the relationship with yourself.
When one-too many hurtful things have been said between friends, when all other vital
relationships are forsaken for the sake of “love” and “true happiness”, one needs to wonder - “is it me? or is everyone else being pricks? - they don’t want to see me happy?”. The truth is, in every relationship we volunteer ourselves into, it is a commonplace wisdom that nothing else changes in our world but our perception. In other words, in starting new relationships dynamics change, attention and loyalty shifts but the overall impact of a new relationship to ourselves and those around us all depend on the way in which we conduct ourselves and our ability to balance our so-called lives - in it’s many forms. Don’t forget that we build our worlds based upon our perception - the mind is the most powerful part of our being. Fair enough some people are truly jealous idiots who can’t stand to see anyone else happy, others may be jealous and barrade you with comments on how you’ve morphed into a completely different person - “people, what a bunch of a**holes!!!” [IT Crowd Season 2].
Despite all the “dramas” and negative protests against your new found and well deserved bliss, it is suffice to say that perhaps you may need to take people’s opinions into account (at least the people you once cared most about). After all, your friends were the souls who witnessed your unwavering oath to “not lose yourself”, they knew and appreciated you without expecting any conjugal rewards and above all, whatever happened to the timeless adage that says; “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are.” Friends, whether we admit to it or not, have an enormous influence in the formation of our values and in extension - their presence to some degree, contributes to our core persona.
Good friends know about our petty insecurities and try to console us and alleviate the awkwardness by highlighting our best qualities. Lifelong friends know of our secret rendezvous and share the laughs about all the cringy details. Great friends tolerate and sometimes even share our unflattering vices (like chocolate, nicotine or shoes). But above all, they will without question let you know when something is wrong.
Do you ever get the feeling that everyone is suddenly ganging up on you? Your family, your “so-called friends” and even your dog or cat tries to distant her/himself from you in order to avoid feeling the pangs of sadness when you abandon them for your new “true love”?
It’s always easiest to take on the victim mentality in any situation we find ourselves in, after all, every person on earth is their own protagonist in their own twisted, personal life story. It is a virtue however, to have the capacity to imagine yourself removed from any situation - try empathy, apparently it works wonders. Friends can try to understand the person drowning in their own vat of love, and the punched-drunk, lovesick person can attempt to salvage friendships (if worthy) by reflecting on themselves and develop the skill in balancing colliding worlds.
If all else fails however, or if it is decided that long friendships aren’t worth salvaging (and like the Beatles, you also affirm that “LOVE is all you need”), think of the longest and most important relationship you have - with yourself. Is it still worth losing everything you’ve developed throughout your singlehood just because you didn’t take the time to really build the proper foundations of balanced relationships in your “coupledom”?
Ours is a world of wants, needs, contradictions, and multiplicities. We live in our minds in which; we are our own, individual players. It is a common misconception that for us to be happy in love we must give our ALL. If we surrender our ability to direct and play our own parts in our lives, the consequences could be dire and irreversible - almost too tragic to contemplate. So the next time we try and start a covenant with ourselves, lets ensure that it’s not only a fleeting fancy which disappears as easily as it comes. At the risk of sounding trite and cynical; A promise to ourselves requires utmost sincerity and truthfulness of heart, because if we can’t keep a promise we made to ourselves, how can we even dare to promise our “ALL” to someone else?
So, here's to love, new love, old love, lost love, unrequited love... just love, in all forms. Jason Mraz...
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