Where have I gone?
Over the past week I had nothing short of an epiphany about myself.
I used to be very firey, not annoyingly so, my mood didnt change at a drop of a hat, but I was very passionate about everything and so full of life. I used to have a very strong fighting spirit that made it hard for anyone to get really close to me, mostly becuase it had a tendency to turn people away from me till they got to know me better. I used to be strong.
Im not anymore, now I dont fight for anything, and I have no will to fight. Im, in short, weak and pathetic. I miss the old me, and I dont like this new me. I think I just got tired of fighting, I constantly had to fight with my parents, my drug addicted mother, my father who took everything out on me, my friends that used to be able to come to me with their problems and I could handle their venting and treating me like shit cuz thats what I used to do for my friends. I used to be people's lightning rod of hate, I was unaffected by it, I didnt mind, it was my way of showing how much I cared about them. But now....things are different. I cant be there for my friends and family like I should be, I now mindlessly do as society dictates a woman should. I do what I'm told when I'm told and never do anything for myself. I really dont want to fight anymore. I not feel responsible for how people feel even if it's not my fault nor my problem. I tend to ignore people in pain becuase I dont want to have to deal with it. When did I feel so much for everyone? I no longer have a direction...
If I give up fighting like I unconciously have, I have nothing left in life. I think my role in life is to be the fighter. I used to inspire my friends to stand up for themselves and do things they normally would have the spirit to do. I am currently not that role modle that I should be. So now I have to find that old spark that I know is still in me. I have to start fighting again. Even if that means I have to move out of my dad's house becuase I cause him alot of stress from fighting all the time, even if it means I have to redo everything I've done. Then I will.
I used to be confrontational and you'd know if you pissed me off or if I didnt like you. Now such things just intimidate me, and though it kills me, I grin and bare it.
From now on I'll face my fear of such things. I care too much what people around me think of me. I'm to worried about letting people down, that I ended up letting everyone I ever cared about down, by loosing myself, my soul. I stopped fighting, and in a way, died.
No matter how shitty my abusive childhood was, I wont let that be an excuse to die. No matter how shitty my life used to be, by giving up like I have I've only made my life that much worse. It will take time for the old me to come back to the surface, I know it's still in me somewhere, it has to be, otherwise I have nothing left.
I am determined to find it, and I will pick up my perverbial sword again, and I will start fighting like I used too, for myself and for those who dont have the courage. I'll be the role modle I once was, and I'll worry only about making myself proud. If I make myself proud, others will be proud of me too.
Just one more moutian in life I have to climb now that I've found it. And I wont let the fact that it's a moutian deter me from accomplishing what I want.
I will once again be the amazing me that I am.
First rock to climb, being unafraid to confront my dad. Then we'll go from there.
It's like a song says "I dont want to forget myself, I want to be as I am." I know what I was, and I need to find that in myself again, or a newer version of my old self, and then I will be more the whole.
I used to be very firey, not annoyingly so, my mood didnt change at a drop of a hat, but I was very passionate about everything and so full of life. I used to have a very strong fighting spirit that made it hard for anyone to get really close to me, mostly becuase it had a tendency to turn people away from me till they got to know me better. I used to be strong.
Im not anymore, now I dont fight for anything, and I have no will to fight. Im, in short, weak and pathetic. I miss the old me, and I dont like this new me. I think I just got tired of fighting, I constantly had to fight with my parents, my drug addicted mother, my father who took everything out on me, my friends that used to be able to come to me with their problems and I could handle their venting and treating me like shit cuz thats what I used to do for my friends. I used to be people's lightning rod of hate, I was unaffected by it, I didnt mind, it was my way of showing how much I cared about them. But now....things are different. I cant be there for my friends and family like I should be, I now mindlessly do as society dictates a woman should. I do what I'm told when I'm told and never do anything for myself. I really dont want to fight anymore. I not feel responsible for how people feel even if it's not my fault nor my problem. I tend to ignore people in pain becuase I dont want to have to deal with it. When did I feel so much for everyone? I no longer have a direction...
If I give up fighting like I unconciously have, I have nothing left in life. I think my role in life is to be the fighter. I used to inspire my friends to stand up for themselves and do things they normally would have the spirit to do. I am currently not that role modle that I should be. So now I have to find that old spark that I know is still in me. I have to start fighting again. Even if that means I have to move out of my dad's house becuase I cause him alot of stress from fighting all the time, even if it means I have to redo everything I've done. Then I will.
I used to be confrontational and you'd know if you pissed me off or if I didnt like you. Now such things just intimidate me, and though it kills me, I grin and bare it.
From now on I'll face my fear of such things. I care too much what people around me think of me. I'm to worried about letting people down, that I ended up letting everyone I ever cared about down, by loosing myself, my soul. I stopped fighting, and in a way, died.
No matter how shitty my abusive childhood was, I wont let that be an excuse to die. No matter how shitty my life used to be, by giving up like I have I've only made my life that much worse. It will take time for the old me to come back to the surface, I know it's still in me somewhere, it has to be, otherwise I have nothing left.
I am determined to find it, and I will pick up my perverbial sword again, and I will start fighting like I used too, for myself and for those who dont have the courage. I'll be the role modle I once was, and I'll worry only about making myself proud. If I make myself proud, others will be proud of me too.
Just one more moutian in life I have to climb now that I've found it. And I wont let the fact that it's a moutian deter me from accomplishing what I want.
I will once again be the amazing me that I am.
First rock to climb, being unafraid to confront my dad. Then we'll go from there.
It's like a song says "I dont want to forget myself, I want to be as I am." I know what I was, and I need to find that in myself again, or a newer version of my old self, and then I will be more the whole.