(no subject)
I've been doing pretty terribly lately. I'm terrified that I'm falling apart all over again. It's becoming increasingly difficult to smile. I can't motivate myself to do anything anymore. Last night I stayed up until 1:30 to write an English paper (test grade), but I couldn't put any words down on the page. I went to bed anyway and woke up at 5:30 to try it again, but I still only wrote three sentences. My grades are slipping, teachers are noticing my lack of initiative, and I'm falling behind in class. It's more than garden-variety senioritis; this feels like freshman year all over again, and I don't want to end up back in that hospital bed with a liver full of Tylenol.
Today I cut for the first time in more than a month. I even allowed myself one slice on the thigh, an area typically off-limits to me because it's too easy to go too deep. It made me feel so whole though, that's the fucked up part. Maybe I just need some structure in my life. The last year or so I've been focused on applying to college, and now that I'm done with that and stuck in a sort of purgatory waiting for decision letters, I need somewhere to direct my focus. My weight is back up to 147, but I haven't eaten enough for it to possibly all be fat. Today I had 650 calories and didn't exercise. Tomorrow can be better.
Today I cut for the first time in more than a month. I even allowed myself one slice on the thigh, an area typically off-limits to me because it's too easy to go too deep. It made me feel so whole though, that's the fucked up part. Maybe I just need some structure in my life. The last year or so I've been focused on applying to college, and now that I'm done with that and stuck in a sort of purgatory waiting for decision letters, I need somewhere to direct my focus. My weight is back up to 147, but I haven't eaten enough for it to possibly all be fat. Today I had 650 calories and didn't exercise. Tomorrow can be better.