An initiation right
I am still stuck wondering if I should be here or not. I feel more and more incompetent every day. Some days I just want to cry in the middle of class and today I almost did. I know this is supposed to be difficult but I didn't know I would be so far behind everyone else in my class. Some days I wonder if grad school will even help me acheive my goals because I don't even know what my goals are anymore. I am enjoying the people in my program and the lab work but even then I am not sure I will one day be able to lead people and ask the right questions and be innovative in research. I feel like the only way I can do the research is if someone else is telling me what to do. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what I want. Right now I'm not sure this is it but I am going to try to stick it out for a year and see if I feel any differently then. I sure hope I won't feel like crying so much in a year or even in a month. I don't know how much stress my body can take but I know I don't want to feel like this forever.
I realize that they have to shove a lot of information at us and while we aren't expected to grasp all of if you would think we could retain more than 30% of it (about what my quiz scores are telling me). I find myself daydreaming a lot about what it would be like to quit the program and what I would do instead. It makes me sad that this is the predominant thought in my mind, even above, "what can I do to help myself learn?, or I wonder when all of this will be over so I can get on to something I enjoy". I chose this program for the beautiful campus, and the reputation of the program, and the extras that will make my career better, and its proximity to science industry and government offices, etc. I knew this program would be "good for me". I just keep hoping this really will be good for me.
I think the main reason I am having such a tough time is because I've never been so far from home and family before. I just want to go home to someone who can give me a hug (friend, boyfriend, parent, etc.). I thought that being so busy would keep my mind off of being homesick but instead I am distracted from my schoolwork. It is very wierd for me because I've always been so independent and never homesick. Even when I was in Greece for 6 weeks there was never a feeling of homesickness. I'm just very glad that I will get to see Heather and maybe even Laura this weekend because I will need all of the hugs I can get!
I don't want sympathy and I had some ice cream so I will be ok. I guess this was just more so that I could get it all down on paper so hopefully I can stop thinking about it. Time to go work on homework and reading and cleaning so that I can spend some time with Heather and Laura.
I realize that they have to shove a lot of information at us and while we aren't expected to grasp all of if you would think we could retain more than 30% of it (about what my quiz scores are telling me). I find myself daydreaming a lot about what it would be like to quit the program and what I would do instead. It makes me sad that this is the predominant thought in my mind, even above, "what can I do to help myself learn?, or I wonder when all of this will be over so I can get on to something I enjoy". I chose this program for the beautiful campus, and the reputation of the program, and the extras that will make my career better, and its proximity to science industry and government offices, etc. I knew this program would be "good for me". I just keep hoping this really will be good for me.
I think the main reason I am having such a tough time is because I've never been so far from home and family before. I just want to go home to someone who can give me a hug (friend, boyfriend, parent, etc.). I thought that being so busy would keep my mind off of being homesick but instead I am distracted from my schoolwork. It is very wierd for me because I've always been so independent and never homesick. Even when I was in Greece for 6 weeks there was never a feeling of homesickness. I'm just very glad that I will get to see Heather and maybe even Laura this weekend because I will need all of the hugs I can get!
I don't want sympathy and I had some ice cream so I will be ok. I guess this was just more so that I could get it all down on paper so hopefully I can stop thinking about it. Time to go work on homework and reading and cleaning so that I can spend some time with Heather and Laura.