Scarf & Sweater Weather.
It's really sunny today, with just a little nip in the air. When Dad came to visit her dropped off a tub of my fall/ winter stuff. I actually didn't mind wearing my big rock-start sunglasses with my favorite colorful scarf and grandpa sweater today... as I crossed Chester to come back to my building a little breeze kicked up and I watched a bunch of leaves skitter across the highway, going the opposite way I was mall-walking to avoid the oncoming traffic. These are the kind of fall days that make me smile. I think I'm getting over the fact that Summer's over... for now. ;)
I know I should be starting my laundry and reading the Duchess of Malfi and studying my lines and trying to find power for my character somewhere in my fucked up soul, but I needed to write down something.
I wanted to capture SOMETHING that was going on in my mind. I have such a hard time these days describing how I feel or what I'm thinking. My brain shifts gears about 128123981747861356 times an hour.
One second I'm smiley about something silly (like I used to do)... the next all warm and mushy and romantic (barf), wishing my next great romance was right around the corner (or that I could blast into the past and live within my old one forever).. the next I'm totally depressed about something (namely the aforementioned romance and the state the person I shared so many YEARS of romance is in now)... the next I'm on a total high from rehearsal... or I'm bummed out because Im not finding things within my character as quickly as i want to.
yikes.
I'm a nut-case...and I'm starting to accept that. I'm an extremely quirky person. I know I've totally lost a lot of sense of self within the last year... but that is one thing I do know about this new self I've become. I've always been quirky and that's not gonna change.
I do know that I'm quirky, determined, scarred, hopeful, and lonely...
many other qualities are TBA.
It's just SO WEIRD. I used to have SUCH a good sense of who I was, what my morals were, what was important, etc... and it took me a long time to be comfortable with myself and those things.
Now, I'm starting over again. I'll be in a situation and think, "I know how this will make me feel, and exactly how I'm going to handle it".... but then when it gets right down to the nitty-gritty I do something totally "out of character". I guess that's my new character. Change is inevitable. Nothing is permanent (but your past) and i know all this... it's just a strange sensation to go from the person I've worked so hard to understand and be comfortable with to this new 20-year old woman that I'm getting to know.
wow. I said a lot.
I've been trying to say those things for weeks... ya, i've said them outloud... but when I write them down they're a little more real?
Like I said. I'm a total nut-case. A nut-case who feels really pretty today and cozy in her sweater... but crazy none-the-less.
Thanks for listening to my usual state of ramble.
Have a beautiful day.
I know I should be starting my laundry and reading the Duchess of Malfi and studying my lines and trying to find power for my character somewhere in my fucked up soul, but I needed to write down something.
I wanted to capture SOMETHING that was going on in my mind. I have such a hard time these days describing how I feel or what I'm thinking. My brain shifts gears about 128123981747861356 times an hour.
One second I'm smiley about something silly (like I used to do)... the next all warm and mushy and romantic (barf), wishing my next great romance was right around the corner (or that I could blast into the past and live within my old one forever).. the next I'm totally depressed about something (namely the aforementioned romance and the state the person I shared so many YEARS of romance is in now)... the next I'm on a total high from rehearsal... or I'm bummed out because Im not finding things within my character as quickly as i want to.
yikes.
I'm a nut-case...and I'm starting to accept that. I'm an extremely quirky person. I know I've totally lost a lot of sense of self within the last year... but that is one thing I do know about this new self I've become. I've always been quirky and that's not gonna change.
I do know that I'm quirky, determined, scarred, hopeful, and lonely...
many other qualities are TBA.
It's just SO WEIRD. I used to have SUCH a good sense of who I was, what my morals were, what was important, etc... and it took me a long time to be comfortable with myself and those things.
Now, I'm starting over again. I'll be in a situation and think, "I know how this will make me feel, and exactly how I'm going to handle it".... but then when it gets right down to the nitty-gritty I do something totally "out of character". I guess that's my new character. Change is inevitable. Nothing is permanent (but your past) and i know all this... it's just a strange sensation to go from the person I've worked so hard to understand and be comfortable with to this new 20-year old woman that I'm getting to know.
wow. I said a lot.
I've been trying to say those things for weeks... ya, i've said them outloud... but when I write them down they're a little more real?
Like I said. I'm a total nut-case. A nut-case who feels really pretty today and cozy in her sweater... but crazy none-the-less.
Thanks for listening to my usual state of ramble.
Have a beautiful day.