The Rise and Fall... Timestamp!
So it seems like Christmas is starting early this year and here's the first of my timestamps. The Rise and Fall of Jensen Ackles and the Spiders from Mars was the story you voted for the most, so...
The plot for this timestamp came to me easy enough, but something was missing, and my best friend disneymagics came up with a really funny idea, after I've sent her a picture of my cat. Here it is.
And yes, he looks like this ALL the time.
This story won't make any sense if you haven't read The Rise and Fall of Jensen Ackles and the Spiders from Mars, which you can find:
here on LJ
on AO3
Now for the timestamp
Title: Changes
Pairing: J2
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Two years after the events that got them together, Jared and Jensen are doing well and still crazy in love with each other. What happens when Jared suddendly decides he wants to adopt kids?
Warnings: Err... Sex?
Word count:7.6k
Disclaimer: This is all lies
Thanks to: blackrabbit42 for the fantastic beta work! Thanks to firesign10 for her friendship, thanks to disneymagics because I think about her as my first reader every time I write a story, and she's responsible for me being the fanfic writer I've become.
- - -
Changes
It’s all Misha’s and Vicky’s fault, this whole mess, Jensen thinks, walking fast and angry on the sidewalk. Misha and Vicky and their adorable two-year old little girl, and newborn second one. They don’t do it halfway, Misha and Vicky, of course not, and Jensen shouldn’t be surprised. Those two tiny human being, all pink and soft and smelling so good, they’re the reason Jared walks around with a dreamy expression on his face, and they’re the reason Jared is running away like a coward.
They were doing so great. Two years together and still in love like crazy, still attuned to each other and well, the sex is great, of course it is, but it’s so much more than that. It’s how incomplete Jensen feels whenever Jared’s not around, it’s the almost brutal honesty between them, it’s knowing that Jared has seen him covered in vomit and piss and not caring.
Jensen is happy -well, was happy, until maybe two hours ago. He now feels like everything they’ve been working on to make this relationship what it is today has just been flushed down the toilet.
He might be overreacting. Chris would tell him he’s such a drama queen, but hey, Chris and Steve are somewhere in Japan playing country rock music because apparently, they’re huge stars there. Good for them. Jensen won’t try to reach his friend to get a lecture stuffed full of creative swearing words on how he’s an idiot and blablabla.
Well, Jensen is an idiot. He doesn’t need Chris to rub it in.
Felicia’s apartment is just one block away. It’s almost April but it’s still freezing. Jensen never got used to the cold, even though now, he can’t imagine living anywhere but here. So he curses, wraps his arms around himself, lowers his head against the wind and walks even faster.
::: :::
He’s cooking when Jared comes back from work: nothing fancy, just good old mac and cheese, but of course, Jared swears he’s never had mac and cheese that tasted that good, because Jared is a pig, and the way he moans whenever he eats Jensen’s recipe, well, it’s hot.
Bowie’s playing loud, and Jensen might even be shaking his hips a little. He spent the day going through dry and boring essays on the influence of the Bronte Sisters on modern literature, and now he needs noise, movement, needs to empty his head.
The song is a dirty one: Cracked Actor, of his personal favorite, and when Jared slides his hands around his waist, taking a deep breath in Jensen’s neck, he turns to face him, smiling, uttering the words of the songs with the most lustful expression he can manage: “Suck, baby, suck, give me your head…” All the while grabbing Jared’s shoulder and pushing him down.
Normally, Jared would go with it, laughing but turned on, and they would make the kitchen messier than it already is. Normally. But not today, apparently. Jared kisses Jensen’s cheek and walks to the refrigerator to grab a beer. Then, sacrilege, he turns the sound of the music down to the point where it’s not worth playing it anyway.
And then he notices: the way Jared is biting the nail of his thumb, the way his left leg is jumping nervously. Even the way he drinks his beer is nervous: short, quick mouthfuls one after the other. He sits at the kitchen table and stares into nothingness.
Jensen puts the mac and cheese in the oven and washes his hands before turning the music off completely. Then, he settles behind Jared, kisses the top of his head and start massaging his shoulders. Jared sights and relaxes. A little bit.
“Tough day?”
Jared turns his head toward him, looking slightly surprised. “No. Why would you say that?”
“Hum… Because you look nervous. And stressed?”
“Jensen can we… I want to talk to you about something.”
Well that’s never a good sign. Jensen sits almost abruptly in front of his boyfriend, trying not to look worried. “What?” (did I do? a very unpleasant voice in his head finishes).
“I… you ever thought about having kids?”
And where the hell does that come from? Jensen’s mouth drops open and the surprise must shown on his face because Jared lowers his eyes. “Yeah that’s what I thought.”
“Jared? Talk to me.”
“I just… It’s been going around in my head for quite some time now. When we babysat Julia last weekend I… I don’t know, Jen. There are so many kids that need a family, and we can provide it for them. Don’t you ever think about a little boy or girl running around and-“
“You baby-sat Julia,” Jensen corrects almost coldly. He doesn’t want to sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth. Julia is Misha and Vicky’s second daughter, she’s two months old. “Did you ever see me holding her?” Jensen adds when Jared looks at him blankly.
“N-no but-“
“And why do you think?”
“I…” Jared huffs in frustration. “Don’t act like I am the kid here. I’m not an idiot. I know you’re scared of having an absence or a seizure with a baby in your arms but-“
“But what? I mean, seriously, Jared. You want us to adopt a kid I wouldn’t even be able to be left alone with?”
“Your epilepsy is better controlled now, and most of the time, you can feel it minutes before a seizure is coming and-“
That’s where Jensen loses it. He’s confused, angry, doesn’t really know where the hell Jared’s sudden need to have a baby is coming from. Seriously.
“What is wrong with you?” he snaps. “When was my last generalized seizure, Jare?”
Jared opens his mouth to say something, but Jensen doesn’t give him the time. “Six days ago. Six days. Sure, it’s better than two years ago but I can’t be left alone with a baby. You know it, so why do you bring it up? So that I feel guilty, or maybe, I don’t know, you’ve just now realized that this fucking epilepsy thing isn’t going away. Ever. And you’re starting to rethink this relationship, because-“
“No, stop it, why would you say something like that?” Jared cuts him up, looking as angry as he is. “I just wanted to know what you were thinking, I’m not like… Giving you an ultimatum or anything. And you know… there would be ways to deal with the problem. I could take a paternity leave and after that we could use a daycare center, so you won’t have to worry about being left alone with a kid and-“
“Wow. You really thought this through.”
It’s at that point that Jensen gets up and leaves the kitchen, going for the hallway where he starts to put his boots and jacket on. Jared is right behind him. “Jensen, what the fuck, we were just talking. What? I’m not allowed to suggest something?”
“Suggest something?” Jensen growls, standing up and poking at Jared’s chest, hard. “It’s not like you want to change your car or buy a new set of furniture for the living room. You come out of nowhere telling me you want kids. Damn it, Jared!”
“And what? You’re going to run away?”
“I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want to. Your dinner is going to burn, by the way.”
There is the faint smell of cheese broiling a little hard. Jared gives Jensen one last look and turns on his heels, giving him the perfect opportunity to escape.
::: :::
That’s how Jensen find himself walking in the cold, damp night, teeth chattering, heart pounding, something like burning pain crushing his insides. It’s been almost eight months since they’ve moved out of Jensen’s apartment to a bigger one, closer to Jared’s workplace, in a neighborhood where everything is at a walking distance, to make things easier for Jensen. As it turned out, Felicia’s apartment is only fifteen minutes away. Over the past two years, she’s become one of their best friends. Felicia has reconstructed her life: she’s doing well, her daughter Jessie too, but both of them are still dealing with the aftermath of Patrick Stewart’s violence. Jared is very protective of them. Jensen… well, although he has all the sympathy in the world, he wasn’t the one to help Felicia every step of the way, to spend time in the hospital with her after her surgery, to make sure Jessie was safe. Jensen loves Felicia because she’s funny, they share a lot of common tastes, let it be music or movies. She makes him think -a little- of Mackenzie.
Once she lets Jensen in, she blocks him in the hallway, hands on her hips. Jensen can hear Aladdin playing from the living room.
“What’s wrong?”
“What, I can’t visit my friend?”
“Of course you can, but Jared just called, said you would probably end up here and not to let you go so…”
Jensen swears and takes his glasses off: they’re covered in condensation anyway. “Wow. I’m a freaking child to him.”
“That’s not true. Come on in. We’ve just finished dinner. Coffee?”
“God, yes.”
While waiting for the coffee to be ready, Jensen walks into the living room and sits next to Jessie on the couch. She’s very concentrated on her movie, munching on a slice of apple that looks huge in her delicate hand. Jensen can’t help but smile and shuffle her red, curly hair.
“Hi, Jenshen.”
For whatever reason, Jessie can’t pronounce Jensen’s name correctly, although she has an excellent vocabulary and no trouble at all pronouncing anything else.
“What are you watching, Jess?”
She turns to look at him with this stern expression stating that he should know, it’s right there on the TV. “Aladdin,” she states.
“Who’s your favorite character?”
Jessie’s face lightens up for the first time. “Apu. I asked mom but she says we can’t have a monkey but we can visit the zoo and they have monkeys but we has to wait the zoo is still closed ‘cause it’s too cold.”
“…Right.”
“And she says anyway I’m her little monkey.”
“That, you are,” Jensen agrees, grabbing the little girl by the waist and sitting her on him, tickling her sides just to hear her lose it, laughing out loud and clear.
Jensen loves kids.
He just can’t take care of one.
That’s when he realizes how it truly hurt him, what Jared had said, because it all comes back to the fucking epilepsy and everything he had to give up. It brings back all of his fears, buried so deeply inside of him now, that one day, Jared will get tired of all this, Jared will want a more normal life, and it will leave him alone and heartbroken because there couldn’t be anyone else. He loves Jared too much to even think he could go through losing him without losing himself.
Jensen tries to explain it to Felicia later, as they share a cup of coffee in the kitchen… Well, most of it, actually. He’s not going too deep in his own insecurities, and to be honest, he’s surprised that Felicia gets what he’s saying at all because he’s circling around the issues without even naming them.
“Well,” she finally says, maybe because she just can’t take anymore of Jensen’s mumbling and paraphrasing. “That’s just… You guys are like… the most solid couple I know. It was the first time Jared was talking about this wanting to adopt thing. I’m sure you’ll be able to sort it out.”
“But what if he just can’t let go?” Jensen asks, sounding way more insecure than he wants too. “What if he understands that I can’t… I can’t take care of a kid but it stays in the back of his mind for years and he resents me in the end?”
“Seriously, Jensen?” Felicia is lifting a disbelieving eyebrow at him. “Once. Jay talked about adopting once. And you might change your mind…. Hell, he might change his mind. Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I can’t have kids, Fel,” Jensen repeats stubbornly. “I’ll never be able to take care of one. And fuck, I might not even be around for long, we don’t know what might happen with-“
“Stop.”
Felicia stands up brutally. Her cheekbones are red, her eyes filled with tears.
Wow, Jensen thinks. Way to go, Ackles, being a jerk is still something you’re a little too comfortable with.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he tries lamely.
“Please don’t talk like that in front of Jared, it breaks his heart when you have one of your… How does he call it... Fatality outburst. It’s been more than two years since you had that latin name episode.”
“Status epilepticus.”
“Anyway,” Felicia cuts him off. “Look at me. My freaking face is covered in metal plates and screws. I can’t feel part of my forehead. And I still dream about him, you know? But fuck, Jensen, I’m looking forward because that’s the way to go, and you should be able to do the same. I know you try but sometimes it just feels like… You’re a bit too sorry for yourself.”
Jensen doesn’t even think about feeling upset or insulted. He’s surprised. Hell, he’s dumbstruck. If there is one thing he’s tried to do since Jared and he had met, it’s to change that, to stop worrying about what his epilepsy does to people around him, or what it could do. He thought he succeeded, but maybe he has it all wrong. Sure, his relationship with his parents is better, sure, Chris and he have finally became as close as they were as teenagers, even though they can’t see each other that often. And Jensen feels better about himself, likes the life he’s built with Jared, with friends, and colleagues from the University.
Maybe it’s not enough, though. Maybe, just maybe, he keeps playing with Jared’s need to save the world, one person after the other, even if he doesn’t realize it, and god knows his boyfriend has enough on his shoulders already. God knows…
“Jen?”
“Mmm?”
“Stop thinking so hard, it hurts just to look at you,” Felicia warns. “I don’t mean it that way. You’re a brave person, and I might be a little unfair to you, but you know… Jared was my friend first and he did so much for me and Jess and-”
“No, maybe you’re right. I’m an asshole anyway.”
Felicia literally stumps the floor with her foot like a little girl, then points a finger at him. “See? That attitude right there? That’s what I’m talking about. Now, I have to get Jessie in the bath, and you have to call Jared because he’s waiting downstairs in his car.”
“What? Since when?”
“Texted me twenty minutes ago.”
“Why didn’t you say so?” Jensen is already up, pushing his chair back.
“Because he wanted you to take your time, he’s ridiculously kind like that.”
::: :::
As if Jensen doesn’t feel like enough of a jerk as it is, Jared is waiting for him outside the car, looking like someone just shot his puppy. Jensen grunts. “Come on, we’re freezing our damn asses off, and it’s April, for fuck’s sake.”
They sit. The car is hot and still running, but Jared shows no intention of going anywhere. Instead, he’s already talking. “…Shouldn’t have brought this up like that, Jen, I’m sorry, I just… “
“Jare. Listen. It’s me, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
But Jared keeps shaking his head, clearly, if he doesn’t get out whatever he has prepared, his head is going to explode or something. “No, no it’s not... I need to tell you this because I love you and I don’t want you to think that… Okay, here goes. It’s not about Julia. There was this woman at the shelter, see, and it was Gen who took care of her and I knew she was about to give birth and then… Gen had this thing with this other woman and yesterday I had to take… let’s call her Sara. I had to take Sara to the hospital because she had a scheduled c-section and huh… It was a rough case. She’d taken some heavy drugs at the beginning of her pregnancy but after she’d left her boyfriend she really tried to put herself back together and… Anyway, the baby, it’s a little boy, and he’s blind. Sara, she already wanted to give him up for adoption because she doesn’t feel like she can take care of a kid. Today we learned that the potential couple we’d found for him was backing off because of the blindness and…”
“Fuck. Jared,” Jensen whispers.
He knows that most of the time, Jared tries to protect him from the most upsetting or horrifying stories about his work. He does talk about it, when he’s had a rough day or a rough week, but he’s not telling Jensen everything. In the beginning of their relationship, after Felicia’s mess, Jensen had insisted that Jared talk more, but Jared had finally explained to him that sometimes, bringing back work at home didn’t do him any good: sometimes it only felt like spreading misery. He had co-workers he could share with, and when he was back at home with Jensen, he did not automatically want to darken the mood for the both of them. Jensen gets it up to some point, but he’s always scared that Jared will end up shoving everything inside while trying to get everyone around him happy until all he can do is crumple in on himself like a card castle.
And before it gets to this, it can cause problems, just like it did tonight.
Jared doesn’t look at Jensen but right in front of him, a too long strand of hair hiding one of his eyes. “There I was, thinking that this poor little dude is all alone and we, we could have provided for him, you know? Never crossed my mind before, Jensen, it was spontaneous. I can’t save the world, you reminds me often enough. It just… I couldn’t get it out of my mind. And it was stupid because even if you would have said: yes, let’s adopt a kid, there is this whole legal process we have to go through and that baby boy will have find a family way before we would have been done with it. I don’t know I just… Didn’t even know it would get out of my mouth before I started talking to you.”
Jensen sighs and grabs Jared’s hand. He hates to see him looking so distress, confused, and it reminds him, once again, that Jared’s life hasn’t always been easy, that he carries his own burden just like Jensen carries his own.
“I love you so much,” he murmurs, his voice breaking. “Shouldn’t have left.”
“Well, I had the subtlety of a bulldozer so I don’t blame you,” Jared snorts and finally, finally turns his head to look at Jensen.
“You have to be honest with me, though,” Jensen says as softly as he can. “Because I don’t want anything to come between us and if… if you really do want to have kids one day, I can’t promise you I will change my mind, Jared. I’m too scared.”
Jared smiles and turns toward Jensen, then bends down to kiss him on the lips. “I don’t know, Jen. I really don’t. I wish I could have an answer for you but it’s… it’s kind of coming out of nowhere, this thing.”
“It’s okay not to know,” Jensen answers. “Just, if it starts to feel like something you need, tell me. We’re a couple, we take our decisions together. I can’t just say that there won’t be any kids, ever, and hope you’ll just go with it. So maybe we’ll fight again, maybe it’s going to be rough, but promise me you’ll still tell me, alright?”
Jared answers by taking Jensen’s face delicately between his hands and kissing him again, deeper this time.
::: :::
Two days later, Jared announces that Sara has decided to care for her son since the adoption couple backed down. Her mother has flown from Georgia to help her. Jared seems like he made peace with this sudden need to be a father.
Jensen thinks so, until the second week of May, when Jared comes back home with a kitten.
::: :::
It’s not a good day. Last evening, Jensen had had a generalized seizure. It didn’t last long, not with the Versed Jared had given him as soon as the seizure has started, and he didn’t hurt himself, but he’s still feeling it, the effects of the drugs plus the ones of the seizure. He’s sleepy and slow, everything seems dull, lifeless. He knows it’s only a matter of time before he feels better but he needs to work: it’s the end of the semester and he has tons of copies to go through. He gets nothing done. In the afternoon, he decides to take a power nap, settling his phone alarm an hour later. Somehow, though, he sleeps through the alarm and wakes up in a jolt when he hears Jared calling him from the kitchen. It’s past five.
“Damn it,” Jensen groans, rubbing at his eyes while making his way out of the room.
He’s still blinking when he comes face to face with Jared.
Jared who’s holding a small ball of black fur in his hands.
“What’s that?”
“A kitten,” Jared announces, all dimples out.
Jensen sneezes.
Jared’s ecstatic expression crumbles. “Are you allergic to cats?”
To this point, Jensen just hopes he would be, but he knows he isn’t. The sneeze is purely incidental. “Maybe?” he still risks.
“Wait… No, you’re not,” Jared frowns. “Your parents have a cat and we-“
“I don’t want a cat,” Jensen replies as calmly as he can.
“Why not?”
“This… this is the kind of decision we’re supposed to make together. You…”
“It’s a surprise, Jensen.” Jared insists, lifting the kitten to Jensen’s eyes level. “I’m more of a dog person but we can’t have a dog here, and we found this kitten near the shelter one week ago, we took him in. He’s not even eight weeks old, according to the vet and -and… I bought everything, the litter, food and-“
“Jared stop.”
Jensen is annoyed. More than annoyed: he’s angry. A more than ugly idea is making its way in his mind.
“What?”
“Did you… Is this about adopting a kid?”
“What? No!”
“Like, you want to ease me into it by letting me take care of a fucking cat? Because that would be stupid.”
Jared lowers his eyes and caresses the kitten’s fur. The cat lets out a tiny, pathetic sound. “No I just… Wanted us to have a cat.”
“Oh Jesus, Jared don’t act like I’m the bad guy here. You should have asked me about it. I’m the one who’s gonna spend his days with the damn cat, not you.”
Jensen tries to calm down. He just can’t. Even though Jared denies it, now that the idea that his boyfriend might have thought about easing him into taking care of something with a kitten is well implanted in his brain, it won’t go away.
“Do you want me to take it back?”
“Where?” Jensen crosses his arms over his chest.
“Well, to the animal shelter, I’m sure someone will-“
“I…”
Jared looks so utterly sad and upset that Jensen can’t go through with it. He turns on his heels and opens the fridge. They have to eat something for dinner, right?
“It’s your cat,” he says over his shoulder. “You take care of it.”
“Okay.”
“I’m not cleaning his litter, I’m not picking up the hair all over the place, I’m not even feeding it.”
“Okay.”
Jared is silent during dinner, while the kitten sleeps on a small cushion on the floor next to his chair. Jensen feels like a jerk, but he can’t bring himself to say something.
::: :::
“What should we call it? Well, him, it’s a male.” Jared asks the next day, lying on the living room floor with the kitten that jumps all around him.
“I don’t care,” Jensen grumbles without lifting his eyes away from his computer. “It’s your cat, you name it.”
::: :::
It soon becomes clear that Jared doesn’t have to find a name for the cat. From the moment he brought it in their apartment, it had immediately become “Your Cat,” and careful; the tone has to be disdainful, with this sarcastic note Jensen likes to add when he’s really pissed.
Which happens practically every day when Jared comes back from work. “Your Cat needs to have his claw removed, he messed up the couch.”
“Your Cat has played with the electric cords behind my desk: we don’t have internet anymore.”
“Your Cat’s litter stinks and I ain’t going to be the one to change it.”
For two weeks, it goes like this, and Jared is a patient guy -he is, really- but he thinks that if he hears “Your Cat” coming from Jensen’s mouth one more time, he might snap. Sure, he understands. His boyfriend is resentful, he has his reasons: Jared shouldn’t have just decided to get a cat for the both of them without asking first. Jensen hates surprises. And with this idea he has that Jared has done it for the sole purpose of proving him that he can actually take care of a living being, it only gets him the more upset.
Because Jared would never have done something like that. It’s stupid, right? There is no comparison to make between having a cat -which practically raises itself- and having a baby. It’s just… Jared gets it, Jensen’s insecurities. It’s so sad, seeing him with young children. When Vic and Misha had had their first daughter, Liane, Jared had realized pretty quickly that Jensen joking about being clumsy with kids and the possibility of dropping the baby on her head was in fact a way for him to protect himself. It had taken some time for him to admit to Jared that he thought he was dangerous, that having a seizure while holding a baby wasn’t something he was looking forward to, and that he was being responsible, refusing to hold a small child in his arms. Jared will always remember the story Jensen had told him, a true story. “There was this guy, epileptic, well controlled by his meds -not like me, you see- d one day his wife left him with their fourteen months old son, and when she came back, they had both drowned in the tub because the father had had his first seizure in two years. So, don’t tell me I’m being too cautious because my epilepsy hurts enough people as it is.”
The saddest sight in all this was the way Jensen had been looking at baby Liane, longing almost painfully to pick her up and rock her in her arms just like Jared had just done.
Jensen is so good with her, now that she’s two years old, as long as he doesn’t stay alone with Liane, same thing with Jessie. He loves children.
It hurts, knowing that Jensen would have probably been the first one to think about adopting a kid if it weren’t for the paralyzing fear of hurting them. What Jared had done a month ago had been something spontaneous, the worst way of bringing the subject on the table, and god he regrets it, because it feels like he’s just backed Jensen in a corner and now there is no way he can fix it, really.
Jared doesn’t care if he never has kids if it means Jensen and him get to have their own happily ever after.
So the cat… The cat was…
Okay, maybe the cat does have something to do with Jensen’s violent reaction to Jared talking about adopting kids, but not in the sense he seems to take it. Jensen knows how to take care of the people he loves, he damn well can take care of a kitten, and he has to realize on the way that he’s not freaking Typhoid Mary, he’s epileptic.
::: :::
The fifteenth day of “Your Cat” arrival, Jensen welcomes Jared with: “Your Cat is bathshit crazy.”
And Jared snaps. The little ball of black fur is sleeping soundly on his cushion, looking adorable and, most of all, armless. Jared’s had a rough day, he was looking forward for dinner and cuddles -from Jensen AND the cat- before maybe some hot sex. Only with Jensen.
“Alright, fine!” He says in an exasperated voice. “My cat is the fucking devil, and you hate it, I get it Jensen! I’ll ask my mom if she can take him in, are you happy now?”
Jensen, and it says a lot for him, remains perfectly calm. “That’s not what I meant,” he points out. “I mean, he literally is crazy.”
He’s holding his cell phone and shoving it under Jared’s nose. It turns out to be a video he has taken earlier.
The cat is crazy. Sitting under the kitchen table, lost in his own long black fur, he stays perfectly still for two seconds, then starts jumping, his paws up in the air trying to catch god knows what. After a few more seconds, he crouches on the ground until he can’t be more than five centimeters above it, then starts running…
…Straight into the wall in front of him. Jensen’s laugh is caught on the video, a spontaneous outburst followed by “oh, shit,” when the kitten falls on his side, but then he’s up. And he starts jumping again, trying to catch some invisible prey above him.
The video stops.
“That’s what he does, all the freaking day. Then he kinds of fall asleep from exhaustion or whatever, he wakes up in a jolt and then it starts again. He never walks. He jumps.”
Jared nods, trying his best not to smile because the way Jensen is talking, it’s like he has developed some kind of attachment for their cat. He did take the time to actually film him, and the outburst of laugh was downright adorable.
Jared knows he’s walking on a thin line, that even the smallest mention of any of this would make Jensen’s defensive attitude pop up immediately. So he shrugs. Matter-of-factly. “He’s a kitten, he needs to play, that’s all.”
“I’ve seen kitten before,” Jensen answers. “None of them like yours. Wanna order take out for dinner? I don’t feel like cooking.”
They order Chinese, and when the cat jumps on Jensen’s legs, then on the table, before shoving his entire head in his sweet and sour chicken box, his boyfriend actually lets him.
He got you, Jared thinks, hiding his face behind his own box of fried rice so as not to show the triumph expression he can’t hide.
::: :::
One week later, on a lazy Saturday morning, Jensen is riding Jared’s dick like his life depends on his, bouncing up and down, his body covered in sweats, his face and chest blotched red. He’s panting, head tilted back, mumbling about how good it is, how big Jared feels and how he would spend his life stuffed full of cock, which is some serious dirty talk, even for Jensen. Jared agrees with everything, helping as much as he can -mostly by trying to stave off his orgasm and holding onto the mattress for dear life.
Then, out of nowhere, a freaking dark shadow appears on Jensen’s shoulders.
“Aow, shit!” Jensen yells, his inner muscles clenching like a vice around Jared’s overstimulated cock.
Jared really has trouble understanding what’s going on because that last clench of muscle has been the death of him and he’s coming hard while trying to assess that the kitten really is perched on Jensen’s shoulders, his head peaking on the side, licking Jensen’s left earlobe.
Jensen tries to grabs him by doing some strange contortions, and when he finally has its hold on him, he lifts the kitten to his face level, still panting. “That’s a whole new level of crazy, you know that, Ziggy?”
He then lets the cat drop down on the floor and looks at Jared, one eyebrow lifted. “Really? You came?”
“You call the cat Ziggy?”
Jensen shouldn’t been able to be redder in the face than he already is, but he succeeds in a spectacular way.
“Well…”
“Like… Ziggy Stardust, right?” Jared cracks a smile, which Jensen rewards by hitting him on the chest.
“Well, he’s as crazy as Ziggy’s character is, alright? And in the song it says that he looks like some cat from-“
“Japan, I know the song, Jen. Awww, you named it. You looove him.”
“No,” Jensen replies coldly, lifting himself up Jared’s softening dick with as much dignity as he can manage. “And you owe me big time,” he adds, pointing at his still very erected penis. “Blowjob, in the shower, now.”
Jared is more than happy to comply.
::: :::
It’s ironic that, in the end, it’s Jared who can’t find it in him to love Ziggy the crazy kitten? Because he’s a psychopath. Whenever he’s awake, he’s jumping everywhere, tearing the curtains, the couch, the papers apart, looking around with that stupefied look as if there are hundreds of flying things around only him can see. He tries to catch them, or bite them.
The biting is the worst. If Jared gets his hand close to rub the cat’s ears or back, he gets bitten. Hard. If he sits quietly, drinking his coffee -his hot coffee-Ziggy ninja’s himself near his feet and munch on a toe or two while Jared yelps and burns himself. They had the claws removed, but Jared is up to a point where he suggests that they might as well do the teeth, which Jensen rewards him with a dark glare and the silent promise of not putting out that evening.
It seems that the more bad the kitten gets, the more Jensen likes him, calling him his psycho kitty from hell and other stupid nicknames while Jared is busy disinfecting yet another bite on his hand. And it’s not like Ziggy is any tenderer with Jensen, who gets his fair share of bites and surprise jumps from behind. Ziggy has a thing for settling on Jensen’s shoulders and licking his earlobes, which is strange enough as it is, but after a couple of minutes, he starts biting on them, and Jensen lets him until it hurts too much.
Just to make Jared’s life more miserable, the kitten refuses to do anything inside his litter box unless it’s completely clean -if it isn’t the case, he does it right beside it, because obviously, the little monster likes to fuck with Jared.
Plus, he stinks. Jensen suggest that they wash him, to which Jared opposes his veto because he doesn’t want to find himself at the emergency room of the local hospital explaining that a now- five months old kitten has disfigured him. They take him to a cat groomer and he comes back smelling sweet and clean, with his black long fur all fluffy.
The sweet smell last all but a couple of days.
Jared is doomed.
::: :::
Jared would have probably gotten rid of the cat eventually, or at least take him to an animal behaviorist for some serious therapy, if it hadn’t been for that hot day of summer, when he goes out to buy bread and milk. Coming back, he finds Ziggy mewling loud and desperate at the door.
As soon as Jared starts to follow him, the cat runs to the living room where Jensen is having a pretty bad partial seizure, half sitting, half lying on the couch, part of his body stiff and stretched while guttural sound escape his mouth. Still mewling, Ziggy jumps delicately on Jensen’s non-stiff thigh and looks straight at Jared, stating silently that his master is obviously in need of some help. And that is enough for Jared to stop complaining about the psycho cat to Jensen, ever again.
::: :::
At the end of the summer, Jared is welcomed from a long day of work by an overexcited Jensen who kisses him on the mouth, grabs his ass, then drags him into the living room, babbling about having found a way to get Ziggy to calm down. His guitar is sitting on the couch while the cat is jumping after yet more invisible preys all over the place.
“Wow,” Jared deadpans.
“Wait, you moron, he’s not calm right now.”
“Oh really?”
Jensen gives him an unimpressed look and settles on the couch with his guitar, explaining: “He loves Bowie songs -of course, who wouldn’t- but I think this one is his favorite. Ziggy, come here bad boy…”
As soon as Jensen pinches a string and plays a note, the cat stops its insane chase and jumps on the coffee table, right in front of the couch.
“You are kidding me,” Jared drops in disbelief, walking in to have a better view of the cat who stares at Jensen’s fingers without twitching.
“Wait,” Jensen smiles brightly at him. “Okay, here goes… Smelly Cat, Smel-ly Cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smel-ly Cat, It’s not your fault…”
Jared burst out laughing hearing Jensen’s serious, deep voice. Ziggy seems mesmerized, slowly following Jensen’s soft rocking from left to right with his head.
So, Jared joins the chorus. “They won’t take you to the vet…”
::: :::
ONE YEAR LATER
Mackenzie now lives in Indianapolis and is hired as a wedding photographer for a huge photography studio while working on independent projects whenever she has time. She’s married -a surprise marriage that took place ten months after Jared and Jensen had met- to Osric Chau, a cameraman she met while working on a college assignment. Apparently, it’s been love at first sight because they still look like they’re attached to the hip and could drown in each other’s eyes. When Mackenzie announced that she was pregnant, Jensen’s parents had been worried; she was still so young, wouldn’t have it been better if she’d waited a little more. “I am not worried. At all,” Jensen had told Jared. “She has a head on her shoulders. More than I ever did. And we’re gonna be uncles, how awesome is that?”
They fly to Indiana three weeks after Nicholas Anthony’s birth, when Jensen knows his mom is back in Texas. Their relationship is still difficult, even though it’s gradually gotten better with time. “I just want some quiet time with Osric, Mac and my nephew,” Jensen told Jared. No mentions of my epilepsy, or how I take care of myself, or that damn helping dog I’m still waiting for.”
Jared has been all for a few days of vacation at the beginning of the summer. He needs it.
They’ve seen picture of Nicholas and had a couple of Skype session with Mac but when Jared gets to hold the tiny bundle that is Jensen’s nephew, he gets so emotional he actually has to swallow back tears like the giant girl he is. Jensen is talking with Osric in the kitchen while Mac peaks at her son besides Jared. “Would you look at him? He’s such a good baby, never cries, sleeps six hours every night. We’re blessed.”
Mackenzie has changed. There is a calm softness to her that wasn’t there before. Jared likes it. Osric is literally beaming with pride and talking about his wife like she’s the world’s eight wonder.
There is a little something that twists Jared’s heart as he goes to sit in the living room, settling himself carefully on the couch while the baby, all soft and pink and smelling so good, keeps on sleeping.
“It looks like you have everything under control,” Mackenzie smiles at the both of them, taking a picture with that giant camera of hers. “I’ll go make some coffee.”
Jared kinds of gets lost in his thoughts. He sees kids at the shelter. Misery. Sometimes happy endings, or bitter-sweet. Some downright tragic. Kids hurt beyond recognition, babies shaken and brain-damaged, orphans in becoming.
His heart twists a little more.
“Hey, you okay?” Jensen’s voice is soft, concerned.
Jared nods.
Jensen sits next to him and wraps an arm around Jared’s shoulders, bending toward Nicholas. “He’s so tiny…” He murmurs. “So fragile. How come they arrive that small? We’re an evolved species, we should be able to get up and walk after we’re born.”
“What, like horses?” Jared smiles despite himself, but then he gets it, what Jensen is actually saying, and he takes his eyes away from the baby to look at his boyfriend. Jensen is biting his bottom lip and frowning, something he does when he’s thinking too much, too hard.
“You want to hold him?” Jared risks.
“I… Jare, you know what could happen if-“
“Nothing. Nothing will happen. I’m right here with you.”
Jensen shrugs, stretches his hand and softly caresses Nicholas’ belly that is fluttering with each breath. “I want to. So bad. He’s… he’s my baby sister’s baby.” Jensen smiles almost sadly.
“Nothing bad will happen, Jen. Just open your arms.”
Jared is already shifting, settling his arms slowly as to be able to give Nicholas to Jensen.
“Wait-“ Jensen says in a panicked voice.
“No. You can do this.” Jared states.
He won’t let Jensen back away now. The need to hold the little boy is visible all over his face. And when Jared hands Nicholas out to Jensen, careful to hold the head while the baby shifts from his arms, Jensen lets him.
“Holy fuck,” Jensen breathes out. “How am I… what should I…”
“Just be careful with his head and hold him. It’s as simple as that.”
And then Jensen is holding his nephew in stiff arms, breathing hard and fast, his eyes huge and stupefied. “Is it… is this okay?” He asks between his teeth, as if the tiniest movement could blow this whole thing up.
“You’re doing great. And I’m right here. Not letting go of you,” Jared soothes him.
It’s his turn to wrap an arm around Jensen’s shoulders. God he loves him so much, every facet of him, the good and the bad, and the damaged part, the hopeful one, the disease hiding inside, the real beauty, showing in his features as well as in his mind, his heart.
“He weighs nothing,” Jensen marvels in a still trembling voice. “God, Jay, he’s too little, what if something’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing is wrong. He’s actually chubby for a three weeks old. You’re just not used to it.” Jared chuckles and Jensen blushes.
“I’m an idiot.”
“No. Never.”
“You’re barely objective,” Jensen points out, slowly relaxing, keeping his eyes on Nicholas. “Wow, it’s… comforting, you know, holding him? I never thought…”
“Well, now you know.”
Jared kisses Jensen’s temple and hears a “click.” Mackenzie is there, smiling at the both of them with her camera in her hands. Osric is by her side, looking amused.
“You guys are the cutest, sappiest couple I know,” Mackenzie declares.
“You’re one to talk,” Jensen replies.
“So?” Osric asks. “You both look like you’re more than ready. Should we prepare to welcome a new member in the family any time soon?”
Jared feels cold all over. It’s not Osric’s fault. He doesn’t know about Jensen’s issues with the whole parenting idea. Mackenzie probably doesn’t know either. Jared just doesn’t want anything to ruin this perfect moment, Jensen holding a baby -his nephew- for the first time. Even if Jared does want children, what he wants the most is for Jensen to be happy, to feel safe, and loved.
Jared cast a quick look at his boyfriend, surprised to see that Jensen is looking back, half a smile quirking up his lip.
“Well…” he clears his throat. “Jared has to make an honorable man out of me first.”
And it’s like Jared’s heart is bursting in his chest. For a second, he loses all contact with his surrounding, the pounding of his blood drumming in his ears, and Jensen’s face the only thing he can see, his expression hopeful and scared and loving and confused at the same time. Like he’s just had an epiphany.
“Oh my god, he’s crying,” Mackenzie’s voice seems to come from far away. “Aww, Jared I can’t stand it when you cry.”
He tries to remember if he ever cried in front of Mackenzie, but oh, yes, more than three years ago… The hospital, and Jensen sedated until it was safe for him to wake up, none of them knowing if he’d be suffering any brain damaged.
“You’re a big gay sap, you know that?” Jensen tells him, but his eyes are a little too bright.
“Should I get on my knees right now?” Jared replies in a coarse voice.
“Don’t you dare. I want a ring, and a decent proposal, maybe during a hot-air balloon ride or one of those cheesy set up when they stop a football game and the guy propose to his lady during half time. They’re all over the internet.”
“You guys!” Osric walks toward them and kisses them, one after the other, on the cheek, careful to make as much noise as possible. “Give me back my son so you can make out on my couch. I don’t want him to drown in schmoop.”
Mackenzie laughs. Jared kisses Jensen, as sloppy as possible, careful to make a show for Osric.
He doesn’t know what the future will be, he sure as hell doesn’t know if getting Jensen the world’s worst cat has anything to do with him changing his mind. He doesn’t care. Like Jensen has taught him, better to live in the present.
And right now, the present is freaking amazing.
Fin
- - -
A/N: The title is, of course, a David Bowie song. The song Jensen is singing to Jared at the beginning is "Cracked Actor", from -surprise!- David Bowie. For those who don't know "Smelly Cat" is a song composed by Phoebe Buffet, a character on the sitcom "Friends."
My cat is still driving me crazy.
That's all, folks!
- - -
The plot for this timestamp came to me easy enough, but something was missing, and my best friend disneymagics came up with a really funny idea, after I've sent her a picture of my cat. Here it is.
And yes, he looks like this ALL the time.
This story won't make any sense if you haven't read The Rise and Fall of Jensen Ackles and the Spiders from Mars, which you can find:
here on LJ
on AO3
Now for the timestamp
Title: Changes
Pairing: J2
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Two years after the events that got them together, Jared and Jensen are doing well and still crazy in love with each other. What happens when Jared suddendly decides he wants to adopt kids?
Warnings: Err... Sex?
Word count:7.6k
Disclaimer: This is all lies
Thanks to: blackrabbit42 for the fantastic beta work! Thanks to firesign10 for her friendship, thanks to disneymagics because I think about her as my first reader every time I write a story, and she's responsible for me being the fanfic writer I've become.
- - -
Changes
It’s all Misha’s and Vicky’s fault, this whole mess, Jensen thinks, walking fast and angry on the sidewalk. Misha and Vicky and their adorable two-year old little girl, and newborn second one. They don’t do it halfway, Misha and Vicky, of course not, and Jensen shouldn’t be surprised. Those two tiny human being, all pink and soft and smelling so good, they’re the reason Jared walks around with a dreamy expression on his face, and they’re the reason Jared is running away like a coward.
They were doing so great. Two years together and still in love like crazy, still attuned to each other and well, the sex is great, of course it is, but it’s so much more than that. It’s how incomplete Jensen feels whenever Jared’s not around, it’s the almost brutal honesty between them, it’s knowing that Jared has seen him covered in vomit and piss and not caring.
Jensen is happy -well, was happy, until maybe two hours ago. He now feels like everything they’ve been working on to make this relationship what it is today has just been flushed down the toilet.
He might be overreacting. Chris would tell him he’s such a drama queen, but hey, Chris and Steve are somewhere in Japan playing country rock music because apparently, they’re huge stars there. Good for them. Jensen won’t try to reach his friend to get a lecture stuffed full of creative swearing words on how he’s an idiot and blablabla.
Well, Jensen is an idiot. He doesn’t need Chris to rub it in.
Felicia’s apartment is just one block away. It’s almost April but it’s still freezing. Jensen never got used to the cold, even though now, he can’t imagine living anywhere but here. So he curses, wraps his arms around himself, lowers his head against the wind and walks even faster.
::: :::
He’s cooking when Jared comes back from work: nothing fancy, just good old mac and cheese, but of course, Jared swears he’s never had mac and cheese that tasted that good, because Jared is a pig, and the way he moans whenever he eats Jensen’s recipe, well, it’s hot.
Bowie’s playing loud, and Jensen might even be shaking his hips a little. He spent the day going through dry and boring essays on the influence of the Bronte Sisters on modern literature, and now he needs noise, movement, needs to empty his head.
The song is a dirty one: Cracked Actor, of his personal favorite, and when Jared slides his hands around his waist, taking a deep breath in Jensen’s neck, he turns to face him, smiling, uttering the words of the songs with the most lustful expression he can manage: “Suck, baby, suck, give me your head…” All the while grabbing Jared’s shoulder and pushing him down.
Normally, Jared would go with it, laughing but turned on, and they would make the kitchen messier than it already is. Normally. But not today, apparently. Jared kisses Jensen’s cheek and walks to the refrigerator to grab a beer. Then, sacrilege, he turns the sound of the music down to the point where it’s not worth playing it anyway.
And then he notices: the way Jared is biting the nail of his thumb, the way his left leg is jumping nervously. Even the way he drinks his beer is nervous: short, quick mouthfuls one after the other. He sits at the kitchen table and stares into nothingness.
Jensen puts the mac and cheese in the oven and washes his hands before turning the music off completely. Then, he settles behind Jared, kisses the top of his head and start massaging his shoulders. Jared sights and relaxes. A little bit.
“Tough day?”
Jared turns his head toward him, looking slightly surprised. “No. Why would you say that?”
“Hum… Because you look nervous. And stressed?”
“Jensen can we… I want to talk to you about something.”
Well that’s never a good sign. Jensen sits almost abruptly in front of his boyfriend, trying not to look worried. “What?” (did I do? a very unpleasant voice in his head finishes).
“I… you ever thought about having kids?”
And where the hell does that come from? Jensen’s mouth drops open and the surprise must shown on his face because Jared lowers his eyes. “Yeah that’s what I thought.”
“Jared? Talk to me.”
“I just… It’s been going around in my head for quite some time now. When we babysat Julia last weekend I… I don’t know, Jen. There are so many kids that need a family, and we can provide it for them. Don’t you ever think about a little boy or girl running around and-“
“You baby-sat Julia,” Jensen corrects almost coldly. He doesn’t want to sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth. Julia is Misha and Vicky’s second daughter, she’s two months old. “Did you ever see me holding her?” Jensen adds when Jared looks at him blankly.
“N-no but-“
“And why do you think?”
“I…” Jared huffs in frustration. “Don’t act like I am the kid here. I’m not an idiot. I know you’re scared of having an absence or a seizure with a baby in your arms but-“
“But what? I mean, seriously, Jared. You want us to adopt a kid I wouldn’t even be able to be left alone with?”
“Your epilepsy is better controlled now, and most of the time, you can feel it minutes before a seizure is coming and-“
That’s where Jensen loses it. He’s confused, angry, doesn’t really know where the hell Jared’s sudden need to have a baby is coming from. Seriously.
“What is wrong with you?” he snaps. “When was my last generalized seizure, Jare?”
Jared opens his mouth to say something, but Jensen doesn’t give him the time. “Six days ago. Six days. Sure, it’s better than two years ago but I can’t be left alone with a baby. You know it, so why do you bring it up? So that I feel guilty, or maybe, I don’t know, you’ve just now realized that this fucking epilepsy thing isn’t going away. Ever. And you’re starting to rethink this relationship, because-“
“No, stop it, why would you say something like that?” Jared cuts him up, looking as angry as he is. “I just wanted to know what you were thinking, I’m not like… Giving you an ultimatum or anything. And you know… there would be ways to deal with the problem. I could take a paternity leave and after that we could use a daycare center, so you won’t have to worry about being left alone with a kid and-“
“Wow. You really thought this through.”
It’s at that point that Jensen gets up and leaves the kitchen, going for the hallway where he starts to put his boots and jacket on. Jared is right behind him. “Jensen, what the fuck, we were just talking. What? I’m not allowed to suggest something?”
“Suggest something?” Jensen growls, standing up and poking at Jared’s chest, hard. “It’s not like you want to change your car or buy a new set of furniture for the living room. You come out of nowhere telling me you want kids. Damn it, Jared!”
“And what? You’re going to run away?”
“I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want to. Your dinner is going to burn, by the way.”
There is the faint smell of cheese broiling a little hard. Jared gives Jensen one last look and turns on his heels, giving him the perfect opportunity to escape.
::: :::
That’s how Jensen find himself walking in the cold, damp night, teeth chattering, heart pounding, something like burning pain crushing his insides. It’s been almost eight months since they’ve moved out of Jensen’s apartment to a bigger one, closer to Jared’s workplace, in a neighborhood where everything is at a walking distance, to make things easier for Jensen. As it turned out, Felicia’s apartment is only fifteen minutes away. Over the past two years, she’s become one of their best friends. Felicia has reconstructed her life: she’s doing well, her daughter Jessie too, but both of them are still dealing with the aftermath of Patrick Stewart’s violence. Jared is very protective of them. Jensen… well, although he has all the sympathy in the world, he wasn’t the one to help Felicia every step of the way, to spend time in the hospital with her after her surgery, to make sure Jessie was safe. Jensen loves Felicia because she’s funny, they share a lot of common tastes, let it be music or movies. She makes him think -a little- of Mackenzie.
Once she lets Jensen in, she blocks him in the hallway, hands on her hips. Jensen can hear Aladdin playing from the living room.
“What’s wrong?”
“What, I can’t visit my friend?”
“Of course you can, but Jared just called, said you would probably end up here and not to let you go so…”
Jensen swears and takes his glasses off: they’re covered in condensation anyway. “Wow. I’m a freaking child to him.”
“That’s not true. Come on in. We’ve just finished dinner. Coffee?”
“God, yes.”
While waiting for the coffee to be ready, Jensen walks into the living room and sits next to Jessie on the couch. She’s very concentrated on her movie, munching on a slice of apple that looks huge in her delicate hand. Jensen can’t help but smile and shuffle her red, curly hair.
“Hi, Jenshen.”
For whatever reason, Jessie can’t pronounce Jensen’s name correctly, although she has an excellent vocabulary and no trouble at all pronouncing anything else.
“What are you watching, Jess?”
She turns to look at him with this stern expression stating that he should know, it’s right there on the TV. “Aladdin,” she states.
“Who’s your favorite character?”
Jessie’s face lightens up for the first time. “Apu. I asked mom but she says we can’t have a monkey but we can visit the zoo and they have monkeys but we has to wait the zoo is still closed ‘cause it’s too cold.”
“…Right.”
“And she says anyway I’m her little monkey.”
“That, you are,” Jensen agrees, grabbing the little girl by the waist and sitting her on him, tickling her sides just to hear her lose it, laughing out loud and clear.
Jensen loves kids.
He just can’t take care of one.
That’s when he realizes how it truly hurt him, what Jared had said, because it all comes back to the fucking epilepsy and everything he had to give up. It brings back all of his fears, buried so deeply inside of him now, that one day, Jared will get tired of all this, Jared will want a more normal life, and it will leave him alone and heartbroken because there couldn’t be anyone else. He loves Jared too much to even think he could go through losing him without losing himself.
Jensen tries to explain it to Felicia later, as they share a cup of coffee in the kitchen… Well, most of it, actually. He’s not going too deep in his own insecurities, and to be honest, he’s surprised that Felicia gets what he’s saying at all because he’s circling around the issues without even naming them.
“Well,” she finally says, maybe because she just can’t take anymore of Jensen’s mumbling and paraphrasing. “That’s just… You guys are like… the most solid couple I know. It was the first time Jared was talking about this wanting to adopt thing. I’m sure you’ll be able to sort it out.”
“But what if he just can’t let go?” Jensen asks, sounding way more insecure than he wants too. “What if he understands that I can’t… I can’t take care of a kid but it stays in the back of his mind for years and he resents me in the end?”
“Seriously, Jensen?” Felicia is lifting a disbelieving eyebrow at him. “Once. Jay talked about adopting once. And you might change your mind…. Hell, he might change his mind. Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I can’t have kids, Fel,” Jensen repeats stubbornly. “I’ll never be able to take care of one. And fuck, I might not even be around for long, we don’t know what might happen with-“
“Stop.”
Felicia stands up brutally. Her cheekbones are red, her eyes filled with tears.
Wow, Jensen thinks. Way to go, Ackles, being a jerk is still something you’re a little too comfortable with.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he tries lamely.
“Please don’t talk like that in front of Jared, it breaks his heart when you have one of your… How does he call it... Fatality outburst. It’s been more than two years since you had that latin name episode.”
“Status epilepticus.”
“Anyway,” Felicia cuts him off. “Look at me. My freaking face is covered in metal plates and screws. I can’t feel part of my forehead. And I still dream about him, you know? But fuck, Jensen, I’m looking forward because that’s the way to go, and you should be able to do the same. I know you try but sometimes it just feels like… You’re a bit too sorry for yourself.”
Jensen doesn’t even think about feeling upset or insulted. He’s surprised. Hell, he’s dumbstruck. If there is one thing he’s tried to do since Jared and he had met, it’s to change that, to stop worrying about what his epilepsy does to people around him, or what it could do. He thought he succeeded, but maybe he has it all wrong. Sure, his relationship with his parents is better, sure, Chris and he have finally became as close as they were as teenagers, even though they can’t see each other that often. And Jensen feels better about himself, likes the life he’s built with Jared, with friends, and colleagues from the University.
Maybe it’s not enough, though. Maybe, just maybe, he keeps playing with Jared’s need to save the world, one person after the other, even if he doesn’t realize it, and god knows his boyfriend has enough on his shoulders already. God knows…
“Jen?”
“Mmm?”
“Stop thinking so hard, it hurts just to look at you,” Felicia warns. “I don’t mean it that way. You’re a brave person, and I might be a little unfair to you, but you know… Jared was my friend first and he did so much for me and Jess and-”
“No, maybe you’re right. I’m an asshole anyway.”
Felicia literally stumps the floor with her foot like a little girl, then points a finger at him. “See? That attitude right there? That’s what I’m talking about. Now, I have to get Jessie in the bath, and you have to call Jared because he’s waiting downstairs in his car.”
“What? Since when?”
“Texted me twenty minutes ago.”
“Why didn’t you say so?” Jensen is already up, pushing his chair back.
“Because he wanted you to take your time, he’s ridiculously kind like that.”
::: :::
As if Jensen doesn’t feel like enough of a jerk as it is, Jared is waiting for him outside the car, looking like someone just shot his puppy. Jensen grunts. “Come on, we’re freezing our damn asses off, and it’s April, for fuck’s sake.”
They sit. The car is hot and still running, but Jared shows no intention of going anywhere. Instead, he’s already talking. “…Shouldn’t have brought this up like that, Jen, I’m sorry, I just… “
“Jare. Listen. It’s me, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
But Jared keeps shaking his head, clearly, if he doesn’t get out whatever he has prepared, his head is going to explode or something. “No, no it’s not... I need to tell you this because I love you and I don’t want you to think that… Okay, here goes. It’s not about Julia. There was this woman at the shelter, see, and it was Gen who took care of her and I knew she was about to give birth and then… Gen had this thing with this other woman and yesterday I had to take… let’s call her Sara. I had to take Sara to the hospital because she had a scheduled c-section and huh… It was a rough case. She’d taken some heavy drugs at the beginning of her pregnancy but after she’d left her boyfriend she really tried to put herself back together and… Anyway, the baby, it’s a little boy, and he’s blind. Sara, she already wanted to give him up for adoption because she doesn’t feel like she can take care of a kid. Today we learned that the potential couple we’d found for him was backing off because of the blindness and…”
“Fuck. Jared,” Jensen whispers.
He knows that most of the time, Jared tries to protect him from the most upsetting or horrifying stories about his work. He does talk about it, when he’s had a rough day or a rough week, but he’s not telling Jensen everything. In the beginning of their relationship, after Felicia’s mess, Jensen had insisted that Jared talk more, but Jared had finally explained to him that sometimes, bringing back work at home didn’t do him any good: sometimes it only felt like spreading misery. He had co-workers he could share with, and when he was back at home with Jensen, he did not automatically want to darken the mood for the both of them. Jensen gets it up to some point, but he’s always scared that Jared will end up shoving everything inside while trying to get everyone around him happy until all he can do is crumple in on himself like a card castle.
And before it gets to this, it can cause problems, just like it did tonight.
Jared doesn’t look at Jensen but right in front of him, a too long strand of hair hiding one of his eyes. “There I was, thinking that this poor little dude is all alone and we, we could have provided for him, you know? Never crossed my mind before, Jensen, it was spontaneous. I can’t save the world, you reminds me often enough. It just… I couldn’t get it out of my mind. And it was stupid because even if you would have said: yes, let’s adopt a kid, there is this whole legal process we have to go through and that baby boy will have find a family way before we would have been done with it. I don’t know I just… Didn’t even know it would get out of my mouth before I started talking to you.”
Jensen sighs and grabs Jared’s hand. He hates to see him looking so distress, confused, and it reminds him, once again, that Jared’s life hasn’t always been easy, that he carries his own burden just like Jensen carries his own.
“I love you so much,” he murmurs, his voice breaking. “Shouldn’t have left.”
“Well, I had the subtlety of a bulldozer so I don’t blame you,” Jared snorts and finally, finally turns his head to look at Jensen.
“You have to be honest with me, though,” Jensen says as softly as he can. “Because I don’t want anything to come between us and if… if you really do want to have kids one day, I can’t promise you I will change my mind, Jared. I’m too scared.”
Jared smiles and turns toward Jensen, then bends down to kiss him on the lips. “I don’t know, Jen. I really don’t. I wish I could have an answer for you but it’s… it’s kind of coming out of nowhere, this thing.”
“It’s okay not to know,” Jensen answers. “Just, if it starts to feel like something you need, tell me. We’re a couple, we take our decisions together. I can’t just say that there won’t be any kids, ever, and hope you’ll just go with it. So maybe we’ll fight again, maybe it’s going to be rough, but promise me you’ll still tell me, alright?”
Jared answers by taking Jensen’s face delicately between his hands and kissing him again, deeper this time.
::: :::
Two days later, Jared announces that Sara has decided to care for her son since the adoption couple backed down. Her mother has flown from Georgia to help her. Jared seems like he made peace with this sudden need to be a father.
Jensen thinks so, until the second week of May, when Jared comes back home with a kitten.
::: :::
It’s not a good day. Last evening, Jensen had had a generalized seizure. It didn’t last long, not with the Versed Jared had given him as soon as the seizure has started, and he didn’t hurt himself, but he’s still feeling it, the effects of the drugs plus the ones of the seizure. He’s sleepy and slow, everything seems dull, lifeless. He knows it’s only a matter of time before he feels better but he needs to work: it’s the end of the semester and he has tons of copies to go through. He gets nothing done. In the afternoon, he decides to take a power nap, settling his phone alarm an hour later. Somehow, though, he sleeps through the alarm and wakes up in a jolt when he hears Jared calling him from the kitchen. It’s past five.
“Damn it,” Jensen groans, rubbing at his eyes while making his way out of the room.
He’s still blinking when he comes face to face with Jared.
Jared who’s holding a small ball of black fur in his hands.
“What’s that?”
“A kitten,” Jared announces, all dimples out.
Jensen sneezes.
Jared’s ecstatic expression crumbles. “Are you allergic to cats?”
To this point, Jensen just hopes he would be, but he knows he isn’t. The sneeze is purely incidental. “Maybe?” he still risks.
“Wait… No, you’re not,” Jared frowns. “Your parents have a cat and we-“
“I don’t want a cat,” Jensen replies as calmly as he can.
“Why not?”
“This… this is the kind of decision we’re supposed to make together. You…”
“It’s a surprise, Jensen.” Jared insists, lifting the kitten to Jensen’s eyes level. “I’m more of a dog person but we can’t have a dog here, and we found this kitten near the shelter one week ago, we took him in. He’s not even eight weeks old, according to the vet and -and… I bought everything, the litter, food and-“
“Jared stop.”
Jensen is annoyed. More than annoyed: he’s angry. A more than ugly idea is making its way in his mind.
“What?”
“Did you… Is this about adopting a kid?”
“What? No!”
“Like, you want to ease me into it by letting me take care of a fucking cat? Because that would be stupid.”
Jared lowers his eyes and caresses the kitten’s fur. The cat lets out a tiny, pathetic sound. “No I just… Wanted us to have a cat.”
“Oh Jesus, Jared don’t act like I’m the bad guy here. You should have asked me about it. I’m the one who’s gonna spend his days with the damn cat, not you.”
Jensen tries to calm down. He just can’t. Even though Jared denies it, now that the idea that his boyfriend might have thought about easing him into taking care of something with a kitten is well implanted in his brain, it won’t go away.
“Do you want me to take it back?”
“Where?” Jensen crosses his arms over his chest.
“Well, to the animal shelter, I’m sure someone will-“
“I…”
Jared looks so utterly sad and upset that Jensen can’t go through with it. He turns on his heels and opens the fridge. They have to eat something for dinner, right?
“It’s your cat,” he says over his shoulder. “You take care of it.”
“Okay.”
“I’m not cleaning his litter, I’m not picking up the hair all over the place, I’m not even feeding it.”
“Okay.”
Jared is silent during dinner, while the kitten sleeps on a small cushion on the floor next to his chair. Jensen feels like a jerk, but he can’t bring himself to say something.
::: :::
“What should we call it? Well, him, it’s a male.” Jared asks the next day, lying on the living room floor with the kitten that jumps all around him.
“I don’t care,” Jensen grumbles without lifting his eyes away from his computer. “It’s your cat, you name it.”
::: :::
It soon becomes clear that Jared doesn’t have to find a name for the cat. From the moment he brought it in their apartment, it had immediately become “Your Cat,” and careful; the tone has to be disdainful, with this sarcastic note Jensen likes to add when he’s really pissed.
Which happens practically every day when Jared comes back from work. “Your Cat needs to have his claw removed, he messed up the couch.”
“Your Cat has played with the electric cords behind my desk: we don’t have internet anymore.”
“Your Cat’s litter stinks and I ain’t going to be the one to change it.”
For two weeks, it goes like this, and Jared is a patient guy -he is, really- but he thinks that if he hears “Your Cat” coming from Jensen’s mouth one more time, he might snap. Sure, he understands. His boyfriend is resentful, he has his reasons: Jared shouldn’t have just decided to get a cat for the both of them without asking first. Jensen hates surprises. And with this idea he has that Jared has done it for the sole purpose of proving him that he can actually take care of a living being, it only gets him the more upset.
Because Jared would never have done something like that. It’s stupid, right? There is no comparison to make between having a cat -which practically raises itself- and having a baby. It’s just… Jared gets it, Jensen’s insecurities. It’s so sad, seeing him with young children. When Vic and Misha had had their first daughter, Liane, Jared had realized pretty quickly that Jensen joking about being clumsy with kids and the possibility of dropping the baby on her head was in fact a way for him to protect himself. It had taken some time for him to admit to Jared that he thought he was dangerous, that having a seizure while holding a baby wasn’t something he was looking forward to, and that he was being responsible, refusing to hold a small child in his arms. Jared will always remember the story Jensen had told him, a true story. “There was this guy, epileptic, well controlled by his meds -not like me, you see- d one day his wife left him with their fourteen months old son, and when she came back, they had both drowned in the tub because the father had had his first seizure in two years. So, don’t tell me I’m being too cautious because my epilepsy hurts enough people as it is.”
The saddest sight in all this was the way Jensen had been looking at baby Liane, longing almost painfully to pick her up and rock her in her arms just like Jared had just done.
Jensen is so good with her, now that she’s two years old, as long as he doesn’t stay alone with Liane, same thing with Jessie. He loves children.
It hurts, knowing that Jensen would have probably been the first one to think about adopting a kid if it weren’t for the paralyzing fear of hurting them. What Jared had done a month ago had been something spontaneous, the worst way of bringing the subject on the table, and god he regrets it, because it feels like he’s just backed Jensen in a corner and now there is no way he can fix it, really.
Jared doesn’t care if he never has kids if it means Jensen and him get to have their own happily ever after.
So the cat… The cat was…
Okay, maybe the cat does have something to do with Jensen’s violent reaction to Jared talking about adopting kids, but not in the sense he seems to take it. Jensen knows how to take care of the people he loves, he damn well can take care of a kitten, and he has to realize on the way that he’s not freaking Typhoid Mary, he’s epileptic.
::: :::
The fifteenth day of “Your Cat” arrival, Jensen welcomes Jared with: “Your Cat is bathshit crazy.”
And Jared snaps. The little ball of black fur is sleeping soundly on his cushion, looking adorable and, most of all, armless. Jared’s had a rough day, he was looking forward for dinner and cuddles -from Jensen AND the cat- before maybe some hot sex. Only with Jensen.
“Alright, fine!” He says in an exasperated voice. “My cat is the fucking devil, and you hate it, I get it Jensen! I’ll ask my mom if she can take him in, are you happy now?”
Jensen, and it says a lot for him, remains perfectly calm. “That’s not what I meant,” he points out. “I mean, he literally is crazy.”
He’s holding his cell phone and shoving it under Jared’s nose. It turns out to be a video he has taken earlier.
The cat is crazy. Sitting under the kitchen table, lost in his own long black fur, he stays perfectly still for two seconds, then starts jumping, his paws up in the air trying to catch god knows what. After a few more seconds, he crouches on the ground until he can’t be more than five centimeters above it, then starts running…
…Straight into the wall in front of him. Jensen’s laugh is caught on the video, a spontaneous outburst followed by “oh, shit,” when the kitten falls on his side, but then he’s up. And he starts jumping again, trying to catch some invisible prey above him.
The video stops.
“That’s what he does, all the freaking day. Then he kinds of fall asleep from exhaustion or whatever, he wakes up in a jolt and then it starts again. He never walks. He jumps.”
Jared nods, trying his best not to smile because the way Jensen is talking, it’s like he has developed some kind of attachment for their cat. He did take the time to actually film him, and the outburst of laugh was downright adorable.
Jared knows he’s walking on a thin line, that even the smallest mention of any of this would make Jensen’s defensive attitude pop up immediately. So he shrugs. Matter-of-factly. “He’s a kitten, he needs to play, that’s all.”
“I’ve seen kitten before,” Jensen answers. “None of them like yours. Wanna order take out for dinner? I don’t feel like cooking.”
They order Chinese, and when the cat jumps on Jensen’s legs, then on the table, before shoving his entire head in his sweet and sour chicken box, his boyfriend actually lets him.
He got you, Jared thinks, hiding his face behind his own box of fried rice so as not to show the triumph expression he can’t hide.
::: :::
One week later, on a lazy Saturday morning, Jensen is riding Jared’s dick like his life depends on his, bouncing up and down, his body covered in sweats, his face and chest blotched red. He’s panting, head tilted back, mumbling about how good it is, how big Jared feels and how he would spend his life stuffed full of cock, which is some serious dirty talk, even for Jensen. Jared agrees with everything, helping as much as he can -mostly by trying to stave off his orgasm and holding onto the mattress for dear life.
Then, out of nowhere, a freaking dark shadow appears on Jensen’s shoulders.
“Aow, shit!” Jensen yells, his inner muscles clenching like a vice around Jared’s overstimulated cock.
Jared really has trouble understanding what’s going on because that last clench of muscle has been the death of him and he’s coming hard while trying to assess that the kitten really is perched on Jensen’s shoulders, his head peaking on the side, licking Jensen’s left earlobe.
Jensen tries to grabs him by doing some strange contortions, and when he finally has its hold on him, he lifts the kitten to his face level, still panting. “That’s a whole new level of crazy, you know that, Ziggy?”
He then lets the cat drop down on the floor and looks at Jared, one eyebrow lifted. “Really? You came?”
“You call the cat Ziggy?”
Jensen shouldn’t been able to be redder in the face than he already is, but he succeeds in a spectacular way.
“Well…”
“Like… Ziggy Stardust, right?” Jared cracks a smile, which Jensen rewards by hitting him on the chest.
“Well, he’s as crazy as Ziggy’s character is, alright? And in the song it says that he looks like some cat from-“
“Japan, I know the song, Jen. Awww, you named it. You looove him.”
“No,” Jensen replies coldly, lifting himself up Jared’s softening dick with as much dignity as he can manage. “And you owe me big time,” he adds, pointing at his still very erected penis. “Blowjob, in the shower, now.”
Jared is more than happy to comply.
::: :::
It’s ironic that, in the end, it’s Jared who can’t find it in him to love Ziggy the crazy kitten? Because he’s a psychopath. Whenever he’s awake, he’s jumping everywhere, tearing the curtains, the couch, the papers apart, looking around with that stupefied look as if there are hundreds of flying things around only him can see. He tries to catch them, or bite them.
The biting is the worst. If Jared gets his hand close to rub the cat’s ears or back, he gets bitten. Hard. If he sits quietly, drinking his coffee -his hot coffee-Ziggy ninja’s himself near his feet and munch on a toe or two while Jared yelps and burns himself. They had the claws removed, but Jared is up to a point where he suggests that they might as well do the teeth, which Jensen rewards him with a dark glare and the silent promise of not putting out that evening.
It seems that the more bad the kitten gets, the more Jensen likes him, calling him his psycho kitty from hell and other stupid nicknames while Jared is busy disinfecting yet another bite on his hand. And it’s not like Ziggy is any tenderer with Jensen, who gets his fair share of bites and surprise jumps from behind. Ziggy has a thing for settling on Jensen’s shoulders and licking his earlobes, which is strange enough as it is, but after a couple of minutes, he starts biting on them, and Jensen lets him until it hurts too much.
Just to make Jared’s life more miserable, the kitten refuses to do anything inside his litter box unless it’s completely clean -if it isn’t the case, he does it right beside it, because obviously, the little monster likes to fuck with Jared.
Plus, he stinks. Jensen suggest that they wash him, to which Jared opposes his veto because he doesn’t want to find himself at the emergency room of the local hospital explaining that a now- five months old kitten has disfigured him. They take him to a cat groomer and he comes back smelling sweet and clean, with his black long fur all fluffy.
The sweet smell last all but a couple of days.
Jared is doomed.
::: :::
Jared would have probably gotten rid of the cat eventually, or at least take him to an animal behaviorist for some serious therapy, if it hadn’t been for that hot day of summer, when he goes out to buy bread and milk. Coming back, he finds Ziggy mewling loud and desperate at the door.
As soon as Jared starts to follow him, the cat runs to the living room where Jensen is having a pretty bad partial seizure, half sitting, half lying on the couch, part of his body stiff and stretched while guttural sound escape his mouth. Still mewling, Ziggy jumps delicately on Jensen’s non-stiff thigh and looks straight at Jared, stating silently that his master is obviously in need of some help. And that is enough for Jared to stop complaining about the psycho cat to Jensen, ever again.
::: :::
At the end of the summer, Jared is welcomed from a long day of work by an overexcited Jensen who kisses him on the mouth, grabs his ass, then drags him into the living room, babbling about having found a way to get Ziggy to calm down. His guitar is sitting on the couch while the cat is jumping after yet more invisible preys all over the place.
“Wow,” Jared deadpans.
“Wait, you moron, he’s not calm right now.”
“Oh really?”
Jensen gives him an unimpressed look and settles on the couch with his guitar, explaining: “He loves Bowie songs -of course, who wouldn’t- but I think this one is his favorite. Ziggy, come here bad boy…”
As soon as Jensen pinches a string and plays a note, the cat stops its insane chase and jumps on the coffee table, right in front of the couch.
“You are kidding me,” Jared drops in disbelief, walking in to have a better view of the cat who stares at Jensen’s fingers without twitching.
“Wait,” Jensen smiles brightly at him. “Okay, here goes… Smelly Cat, Smel-ly Cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smel-ly Cat, It’s not your fault…”
Jared burst out laughing hearing Jensen’s serious, deep voice. Ziggy seems mesmerized, slowly following Jensen’s soft rocking from left to right with his head.
So, Jared joins the chorus. “They won’t take you to the vet…”
::: :::
ONE YEAR LATER
Mackenzie now lives in Indianapolis and is hired as a wedding photographer for a huge photography studio while working on independent projects whenever she has time. She’s married -a surprise marriage that took place ten months after Jared and Jensen had met- to Osric Chau, a cameraman she met while working on a college assignment. Apparently, it’s been love at first sight because they still look like they’re attached to the hip and could drown in each other’s eyes. When Mackenzie announced that she was pregnant, Jensen’s parents had been worried; she was still so young, wouldn’t have it been better if she’d waited a little more. “I am not worried. At all,” Jensen had told Jared. “She has a head on her shoulders. More than I ever did. And we’re gonna be uncles, how awesome is that?”
They fly to Indiana three weeks after Nicholas Anthony’s birth, when Jensen knows his mom is back in Texas. Their relationship is still difficult, even though it’s gradually gotten better with time. “I just want some quiet time with Osric, Mac and my nephew,” Jensen told Jared. No mentions of my epilepsy, or how I take care of myself, or that damn helping dog I’m still waiting for.”
Jared has been all for a few days of vacation at the beginning of the summer. He needs it.
They’ve seen picture of Nicholas and had a couple of Skype session with Mac but when Jared gets to hold the tiny bundle that is Jensen’s nephew, he gets so emotional he actually has to swallow back tears like the giant girl he is. Jensen is talking with Osric in the kitchen while Mac peaks at her son besides Jared. “Would you look at him? He’s such a good baby, never cries, sleeps six hours every night. We’re blessed.”
Mackenzie has changed. There is a calm softness to her that wasn’t there before. Jared likes it. Osric is literally beaming with pride and talking about his wife like she’s the world’s eight wonder.
There is a little something that twists Jared’s heart as he goes to sit in the living room, settling himself carefully on the couch while the baby, all soft and pink and smelling so good, keeps on sleeping.
“It looks like you have everything under control,” Mackenzie smiles at the both of them, taking a picture with that giant camera of hers. “I’ll go make some coffee.”
Jared kinds of gets lost in his thoughts. He sees kids at the shelter. Misery. Sometimes happy endings, or bitter-sweet. Some downright tragic. Kids hurt beyond recognition, babies shaken and brain-damaged, orphans in becoming.
His heart twists a little more.
“Hey, you okay?” Jensen’s voice is soft, concerned.
Jared nods.
Jensen sits next to him and wraps an arm around Jared’s shoulders, bending toward Nicholas. “He’s so tiny…” He murmurs. “So fragile. How come they arrive that small? We’re an evolved species, we should be able to get up and walk after we’re born.”
“What, like horses?” Jared smiles despite himself, but then he gets it, what Jensen is actually saying, and he takes his eyes away from the baby to look at his boyfriend. Jensen is biting his bottom lip and frowning, something he does when he’s thinking too much, too hard.
“You want to hold him?” Jared risks.
“I… Jare, you know what could happen if-“
“Nothing. Nothing will happen. I’m right here with you.”
Jensen shrugs, stretches his hand and softly caresses Nicholas’ belly that is fluttering with each breath. “I want to. So bad. He’s… he’s my baby sister’s baby.” Jensen smiles almost sadly.
“Nothing bad will happen, Jen. Just open your arms.”
Jared is already shifting, settling his arms slowly as to be able to give Nicholas to Jensen.
“Wait-“ Jensen says in a panicked voice.
“No. You can do this.” Jared states.
He won’t let Jensen back away now. The need to hold the little boy is visible all over his face. And when Jared hands Nicholas out to Jensen, careful to hold the head while the baby shifts from his arms, Jensen lets him.
“Holy fuck,” Jensen breathes out. “How am I… what should I…”
“Just be careful with his head and hold him. It’s as simple as that.”
And then Jensen is holding his nephew in stiff arms, breathing hard and fast, his eyes huge and stupefied. “Is it… is this okay?” He asks between his teeth, as if the tiniest movement could blow this whole thing up.
“You’re doing great. And I’m right here. Not letting go of you,” Jared soothes him.
It’s his turn to wrap an arm around Jensen’s shoulders. God he loves him so much, every facet of him, the good and the bad, and the damaged part, the hopeful one, the disease hiding inside, the real beauty, showing in his features as well as in his mind, his heart.
“He weighs nothing,” Jensen marvels in a still trembling voice. “God, Jay, he’s too little, what if something’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing is wrong. He’s actually chubby for a three weeks old. You’re just not used to it.” Jared chuckles and Jensen blushes.
“I’m an idiot.”
“No. Never.”
“You’re barely objective,” Jensen points out, slowly relaxing, keeping his eyes on Nicholas. “Wow, it’s… comforting, you know, holding him? I never thought…”
“Well, now you know.”
Jared kisses Jensen’s temple and hears a “click.” Mackenzie is there, smiling at the both of them with her camera in her hands. Osric is by her side, looking amused.
“You guys are the cutest, sappiest couple I know,” Mackenzie declares.
“You’re one to talk,” Jensen replies.
“So?” Osric asks. “You both look like you’re more than ready. Should we prepare to welcome a new member in the family any time soon?”
Jared feels cold all over. It’s not Osric’s fault. He doesn’t know about Jensen’s issues with the whole parenting idea. Mackenzie probably doesn’t know either. Jared just doesn’t want anything to ruin this perfect moment, Jensen holding a baby -his nephew- for the first time. Even if Jared does want children, what he wants the most is for Jensen to be happy, to feel safe, and loved.
Jared cast a quick look at his boyfriend, surprised to see that Jensen is looking back, half a smile quirking up his lip.
“Well…” he clears his throat. “Jared has to make an honorable man out of me first.”
And it’s like Jared’s heart is bursting in his chest. For a second, he loses all contact with his surrounding, the pounding of his blood drumming in his ears, and Jensen’s face the only thing he can see, his expression hopeful and scared and loving and confused at the same time. Like he’s just had an epiphany.
“Oh my god, he’s crying,” Mackenzie’s voice seems to come from far away. “Aww, Jared I can’t stand it when you cry.”
He tries to remember if he ever cried in front of Mackenzie, but oh, yes, more than three years ago… The hospital, and Jensen sedated until it was safe for him to wake up, none of them knowing if he’d be suffering any brain damaged.
“You’re a big gay sap, you know that?” Jensen tells him, but his eyes are a little too bright.
“Should I get on my knees right now?” Jared replies in a coarse voice.
“Don’t you dare. I want a ring, and a decent proposal, maybe during a hot-air balloon ride or one of those cheesy set up when they stop a football game and the guy propose to his lady during half time. They’re all over the internet.”
“You guys!” Osric walks toward them and kisses them, one after the other, on the cheek, careful to make as much noise as possible. “Give me back my son so you can make out on my couch. I don’t want him to drown in schmoop.”
Mackenzie laughs. Jared kisses Jensen, as sloppy as possible, careful to make a show for Osric.
He doesn’t know what the future will be, he sure as hell doesn’t know if getting Jensen the world’s worst cat has anything to do with him changing his mind. He doesn’t care. Like Jensen has taught him, better to live in the present.
And right now, the present is freaking amazing.
Fin
- - -
A/N: The title is, of course, a David Bowie song. The song Jensen is singing to Jared at the beginning is "Cracked Actor", from -surprise!- David Bowie. For those who don't know "Smelly Cat" is a song composed by Phoebe Buffet, a character on the sitcom "Friends."
My cat is still driving me crazy.
That's all, folks!
- - -