Empty Spaces Chapter Nine
It’s been two days since that night. If Jared had been scared that the whole jerking Jensen off thing would put a distance between them, he had been wrong. Nothing else happens in this regard. Jensen doesn’t offer himself to Jared like he’s a piece of meat and Jared doesn’t attempt anything. He probably would have done it if Jensen had wanted more, only for Jensen again -getting any form of pleasure from it would seems like abusing him and Jared can’t stand the idea. They sleep together the next two nights and when Jared wakes up in the morning, Jensen is tucked against him like he wants to merge until they make one, but it’s more like a child seeking comfort than a man desiring another one.
It’s good. It’s good, because, although nothing has changed between them, something in Jensen has definitely changed. He’s calmer, quieter but calmer. Whatever seems to be going on in his mind, he looks like he can deal with it a little better. Jensen needs to think, Jared gets this. All he can do is be there for him whenever he’ll feel the need to talk again. They don’t do much: they spend those two days sitting in front of the fire and leaving the room just to eat or take short walks outside because the temperature is still very cold and Jensen tires easily.
The rest of the time, Jared reads and Jensen plays with a Rubik cube without showing any real intent to solve it. Most of the time, when they sit on the couch, Jensen will stay close to Jared, will sometimes grab his hand or lay his head on his shoulder. It seems so natural. Jared enjoys the proximity on a pure comfort level. He’s always been a touchy kind of guy anyway.
Friday is coming way too soon for Jared’s liking. His original plan was to get back on Saturday and now, he doesn’t feel like leaving. He doesn’t feel like leaving ever if Jensen can find some kind of peace at the cabin. Saturday approaching means Jared will have to speak to Jensen about their return, and what he intends to do about Eric. Because, one way or another, they’ll have to talk about Jensen’s immediate future. Jared dreads it so much that, for a few hours, he considers flying back to Texas with Jensen, leaving everything behind -the hell with his job (if he still has one) and his life in Augusta. He wants to be surrounded by people he loves, wants Jensen to feel safe.
Of course, this is a fantasy. Jensen needs more than to feel safe. He needs help. He needs not to be scared of Eric anymore.
On Friday afternoon, right after lunch, they’re both back in the living room. Jared looks at the way Jensen works to put new logs in the fireplace, so serious and concentrated, like he’s accomplishing the most important task in the world. He smiles, can’t help it. It’s adorable.
When Jared’s cell phone rings, he answers without even looking at the caller. He’s left a message on Gen’s phone earlier to ask about their boss’ mood today. Jared wants to speak to him before he suddenly reappears at work the next Monday -if he decide to do it, he’s kind of ambivalent as to whether he should go back or try to find a more stimulating job- and he doesn’t want him to be in an already pissed off mood when he does.
“Hey, so what’s up?” He answers, putting his book on his lap.
“Where the fuck are you?” A very recognizable voice yells in the phone.
Oh shit. Jared stands up and walks straight to the kitchen, trying to act natural. He doesn’t want Jensen to know that Eric is on the other end of the line. Things are going so well -considering- right now.
“Don’t call me again,” Jared all but whispers.
“Listen to me, you fucker, Jensen’s mine, don’t you get it? He’s mine, he fucking belongs to me!” Johnson yells even louder.
Jared flinches despite himself. God, if Jensen had to endure this kind of anger fit for four years, how could he not be scared?
“It’ s over, Johnson,” He answers as calmly as possible. “You won’t see Jensen again, do you understand? He left and he’s not coming back.”
“Get him on the phone! Go get the little fucker so that he can tell me himself, you fucking prick! Shit! I want to speak with Jensen, PUT HIM ON THE PHONE!”
Eric doesn’t seem to have any control over himself anymore. There are strange noises behind his raging voice, like he’s hitting something.
“Don’t call this number again,” Jared states. He hangs up and turns his phone off.
His hands are shaking and he’s sweaty. Jared’s frustrated of his reaction, and the effect Johnson has on him. He’s so busy trying to calm himself down he doesn’t hear at first the quick panting right behind him.
Damn it. Jensen.
Jared puts the phone on the counter and turns back to face his friend who’s looking at him with huge, haunted eyes. He’s already hyperventilating, even if he does try to keep it under control.
“Hey it’s okay,” Jared says softly, approaching him as if he’s a wounded animal. “He doesn’t know where we are. He doesn’t, Jensen, it’s okay.”
As soon as Jared is close enough, Jensen grabs his shirt with both hands and presses his forehead on his chest. “I… c-c-can’t-“ he rasps. “J-j-Jared, I…”
“It’s okay. Trust me, Jensen, you’re safe. Come on, sit down, try to breathe slower.”
Jared keeps one arm around Jensen’s waist and uses the other to drag a chair close to him. Jensen all but collapses on it, still trying to catch his breath, holding on so tight to Jared’s shirt he actually has to kneel down so that he doesn’t fall over him.
“Jen? Look at me. Come, man, look at me.”
Jensen does. “No f-fuh-fucking p-p-pills,” he chokes, and tries to smile through his tears.
“That’s right but I’m here. It’s kind of better, right?”
Jensen nods.
“All you have to do is look at me and you’ll calm down. I have this magical power, you know,” Jared babbles, brushing Jensen’s wet bangs away from his forehead and keeping a soft hold to his shoulder at the same time.
“Shitty magical power,” Jensen jokes again, exhaling.
“Shut up, it’s awesome,” Jared replies.
This time, Jensen down right burst out laughing. It’s nervous and cut off by a hiccupping intake of breath but it still is a wonderful noise to hear in this moment.
“Like to hear you laugh so much,” Jared murmurs. “You’re doing great, Jen.”
“I’m scared,” Jensen admits. He slowly releases the hold he has on Jared’s shirt. His hands are shaking badly, his eyes are still huge and tinted with fear, but his breathing is slowly coming back to normal.
“I know you are. I would be too if I were you.”
“I can’t… can’t go on like this,” Jensen breathes out. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Jen.”
Call the police. Make the man pay for what he’s done to you. Stop fearing him and start hating him.
Of course, Jared won’t say it, but he figures Jensen knows all this anyway.
“He can’t find me, right?”
“No.”
“He can’t. I left. I’m not going back,” Jensen says, and it’s addressed as much to himself as it is to Jared.
“That’s right.”
Jensen is shaken by a violent shiver and his teeth start chattering despite the kitchen being warm. Jared wraps an arm around his shoulders.
“You wanna take a bath, maybe? Relax a little. The bathtub is huge.”
“Okay.”
::: :::
Jensen asks Jared to stay with him in the bathroom. He’s sunk into hot water and bubbles, only his head peeking out. He looks so young. How can someone this young could have been through so much already? Jared remembers being twenty, leaving home to start college, naïve and stubborn and feeling incredibly alive, free. He hadn’t realized, at the time, how good life had been to him so far.
“Once a neighbor called the police,” Jensen says abruptly, playing with the foaming bubbles.
“What?”
Jensen clears his throat and goes on, keeping his eyes lowered. “I was eighteen at the time. We were living in another part of the town. Eric got mad at me… I don’t even remember why, and he hit me, in the face. He rarely does it, unless he’s so mad he just can’t control himself. Usually he tries to hit where it won’t be seen, you know?”
“Oh, Jen.”
“But this time, I had a black eye, pretty nasty, and my nose was broken,” Jensen goes on as if Jared hasn’t said anything. He automatically caresses the small bump on his nose. “So, anyway, a cop came home one morning after Eric was gone to work and started asking me all these question and…I couldn’t answer anything, I… literally, I was petrified. The cop was a woman, and she was very sweet. She told me that I could get help if I wanted and I think I started crying but still couldn’t get out a damn word. She gave me this card with the police station number and then she left. A couple of hours later, Eric came back and he was practically boiling with rage. He huh… he told me that he got this call from the police station and they wanted to see him and that I was coming with him.”
“He took you with him?”
“Yeah.” Jensen shivers despite the warmness of the water. “He told me that he would fix it and that I better say what he wanted me to say. He didn’t have to tell me what he’d do to me if I said the wrong thing because… I could see it in his eyes.”
“What did he want you to say?”
“That I was doing drugs. That I was homeless and that he took me in a few months back to try and help me but sometimes I still go out in the street to try and get my fix. He found me like this. Someone beat me up, he didn’t know who.”
“The bastard.”
Jensen smiles without a hint of joy. “So we got there and he told that story and he can be fucking convincing, ya’ know. He’s all respectable and all I’m a doctor and I want to help the poor kid and one of the cops -the man- believed him. The other one was the woman who came to see me earlier and I could see that she had doubts but when they asked me… All I could do was to say exactly what Eric told me to say. I… I couldn’t even think of saying the truth, not in front of him. That… that’s all there is to it. We got back home and he told me he was proud of me. The next few weeks, he acted very sweet with me, kept telling me that he loves me, that I’m the only thing that matters to him and… It happens often. After he’s… after he beats me up, he’ll be a completely different man. And you know what? I was relieved, I was relieved that the cops let us go and… because what would’ve happen to me if I had to press charges? I would have had no place to go and… and no one to give a damn about me.”
“There are shelters for people in your situation, Jensen.”
“I know that!” Jensen cuts off impatiently. “I… I knew it, even then. But it seemed too difficult. We moved a few weeks later, ya’ know, because of the neighbor who had called the police in the first place. Of course, after all this, Eric was even more careful not to hit me in the face.”
Jensen sticks his arm out of the water and holds it toward Jared. Jared doesn’t hesitate, just take his hand and presses it softly.
“This time it would be different, Jensen,” Jared whispers as softly as he can. “I’m here, I’ve seen some things. I’ve seen how Eric behaves, and I can tell. “
“I know it would be different,” Jensen says in the same whispered voice. “I know, Jared, but it still scares me so damn much.”
“Yeah, it is scary.”
Jensen closes his eyes. One single tear gets caught in his eyelashes. “I know we have to go back to Augusta tomorrow. And then what? I think I’m as much as scared as to what will happen to me after I press charges than actually going to the cops.”
“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can’t… I can’t…” Jensen takes a shuddering breath and looks right into Jared’s eyes. “You can’t take care of me. I need to… I need to c-c-care for myself.”
Jared smiles. “Yes. You need to do this, but I won’t throw you out in the streets. You can take care of yourself while living at my place. We’re friends. What else are friends for?”
“You said really, really good f-fuh-friends”, Jensen jokes in a quivering voice.
“Indeed,” Jared agrees.
He can’t help but bent down over Jensen and kiss him on the temple. Jensen leans into it.
“We’ll figure it out,” Jared murmurs in Jensen’s hear. “We’ll figure it out one day at a time.”
“Still not sure I can do it,” Jensen admits.
He turns his head and kisses Jared back, catching the corner of his lips.
“I know. But you went from not even wanting to talk about pressing charges to telling me all this. That’s some huge progress right there, Jensen. I’m so freaking proud of you.”
Jensen turns a deep shade of red. He looks at Jared with something in his eyes, maybe desire, Jared can’t be sure. He settles for running his hand through Jensen’s hair. That’s something he won’t ever get tired to do.
“I…” Jensen whispers. “Want you to… want you to kiss me again like the other night.”
“You sure? You know we don’t have to, Jen, we-“
“Fuck yeah, I’m sure,” Jensen cuts him off, sitting straighter and pursing his lips.
Jared bends over and kisses him, lets Jensen set the pace. Jensen moans in his mouth while he does wicked things with his tongue. It’s very hard for Jared not to just let go of his control and grabs Jensen’s shoulder, pressing him against himself and touching his delicate body everywhere. He has to end the kiss eventually. Jensen’s mouth stays slightly opened afterward and he sighs deeply.
“I like when you kiss me,” he murmurs. “I… I want you to touch me like you did. I want it. Felt so good, Jared.”
Jensen doesn’t wait for an answer. He takes Jared’s hand and drags it down under the water, pressing it on his crotch where is dick is fully hard, rising to the surface. Jared shivers and presses his fingers around it.
“Yeah,” Jensen whispers in a scratchy voice. “Yeah, just… Jerk me off. Please…”
Jared obeys. Jensen’s tone is hypnotic. Without even thinking about what his hand is doing, gripping Jensen’s cock and jerking it with quick, hard motions, Jared concentrate on Jensen’s face: his parted lips and blushing cheeks, his eyelids fluttering against his skin, the noises vibrating low in his throat. They shift quickly enough to soft, breathed out little “oh, oh,oh,” and then Jensen cries Jared’s name and comes, releasing his seed into the warm water. He pants and shivers, his feet making splashing noise, shifting in the water. Jared never turns his head away from his face, doesn’t even blink.
And fuck it, he’s going to come. He’s going to come in his pants like a freaking teenager.
“… so much better than the meds,” Jensen is saying but his voice seems so far away. Jared swallows loudly and gets up, shaking on his feet.
“I’ll be back in five minutes,” he mutters.
He barely has time to close the bedroom door and to press a hand on his burning shaft before he’s coming, harder than he can even remember, without anyone else touching him. He almost hasn’t had to touch himself.
He’s so far gone for Jensen it’s dizzying, it cuts his breath short in his throat and sends a trickle of sweat down his neck.
You can’t have him. Not now. Maybe never. Who knows what kind of a young man Jensen will turn out to be if he decides to build a life of his own, if he’ll even want Jared when he’ll realize how fascinating, how gorgeous and sweet he is. He could have anybody.
This has never been about you, Jared. Keep it together, man.
Yeah. Easier said than done.
::: :::
It’s their last night at the cabin and Jensen wants to cook for Jared. There isn’t much food left to work with but he manages to make a respectable enough chicken casserole which, Jared swears he has never eaten something better in his life.
Jensen takes the compliment, feeling his cheeks and ears starting to burn. He’s not really hungry but he makes the effort. Real life will come to bite him in the ass soon enough that he doesn’t want to ruin the time he has left.
He’s embarrassed by what happened in the bath. He couldn’t help himself. He needed to feel the euphoria and the complete relaxation that follows an orgasm. He didn’t lie when he told Jared it was better than the pills Eric used to feed him.
Jensen knows he has feelings for Jared but can’t bring himself to try to untangle them from the maelstrom of everything else, fear and anger and uncertainty. Frustration. Confusion.
This means he’s been using Jared. He’s not stupid. He knows Jared left the bathroom so quickly to go jerk off. His face was tensed with sexual need. It did things to Jensen, seeing him like this. That’s the reason his orgasm has come upon him so fast.
Jensen’s mind is such a fucked up place right now. He’s been thinking so hard lately his head constantly hurts, a dull light throb right behind his eyes. He hasn’t gotten a lot of all this thinking, except that he doesn’t want to go back to Eric, he doesn’t want to live like this anymore. Every time he tries to imagine what he needs to do for it to happen, his mind becomes dark and the fear he feels is so intense it’s like someone is digging a hole in the pit of his stomach.
“You’re quiet.” Jared declares around a mouthful.
“I’m always quiet,” Jensen answers softly.
“Jen.” Jared put his fork down. “Is this because of what happened in the bath?”
Jared always goes straight to the point. Jensen hesitates, then nods. Immediately, his friend’s features crumple in concern.
“I thought you wanted it,” Jared babbles. “I’m sorry if I overstepped-“
“No, no that’s not… I wanted it, Jared. Wanted it so bad. But I used you.”
Jensen lowers his head in shame. When he looks back up, Jared is smiling at him. “What?”
“You didn’t use me. You needed it. I helped. Hell, Jensen, you know I have feelings for you. I’m not being completely benevolent here. I’m not a saint.”
“But I don’t know what I feel for you, Jared. I don’t know who I am anymore, how can I know what the fuck I feel.”
“Of course you can’t,” Jared states calmly. “I wouldn’t either, being in your situation. Jensen… Let’s… let’s not think about this so hard, alright? You already have your hands full and you need time… Hell, you need a lot of time to sort everything out. And if you were to decide, right now, that you’ll never want to try and be with me, it wouldn’t change anything. I mean… I’ll still be your friend, I’ll still be there to help you.”
Jensen snorts. He can’t help it. “And you say you’re not a saint.”
“I’m not,” Jared states more firmly. “I am not a saint. I’m a selfish, self-loathing guy. I could be so much more than I am and I gave up at the first difficulty.”
Jensen knows what Jared is referring too. He wanted to be a psychologist and quit college when his father couldn’t provide for him anymore. When he’d talk about it for the first time, a couple of months ago, Jensen had expressed his sympathy, even if he couldn’t really understand why Jared was so bitter about. At the time, in his mind, Jared and him were living in two completely different universes and Jared’s problems were so estranged from what Jensen had known about life he couldn’t really put himself in his place.
“You’re far from being selfish,” he protests, though, because Jared is anything but.
“Maybe not in your eyes, Jensen, and that’s… that is why you’re so important to me.” Jared blushes a little and shakes his head to get his long bang away from his face. “Because fuck, you made me feel alive again and you made me realize how empty I was. My parents are wonderful people, I have a sister and a brother that I love, and I fucking miss them. I’m so far away from home. I used to resent the fact that my father lost his company and that’s… he worked so hard for it and I think I held him responsible for ruining my life. Do you realize how selfish, how childish it is?”
Something catches in Jared’s throat and he has to take a moment. Jensen hesitates for a second: he’s not used to be the one comforting others and it’s incredibly hard to just stretch his hand to put it on Jared’s arm. Hard because it’s scary: what if Jared needs more than Jensen can give?
“You could… Maybe go and visit them, and huh… you know, talk with your dad.” He suggests, even though he has no idea if it’s the right thing to say.
Jared stands up so quickly Jensen can’t help but jump in surprise and wraps his arms around himself. Shit, he should have kept his mouth shut. Now Jared is mad and-
“Hey, sorry,” Jared kneels in front of him, looking like a remorseful giant kid. “I just… want to hug you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re wonderful, Jensen, you don’t even know…” Jared trails off, holding him very gently into his arms.
Jensen lodges himself into Jared’s embrace and doesn’t try to understand what the hell just happened. He knows he’ll have to make some very difficult decisions once they go back to Augusta tomorrow, and right now, he, too, needs all the comfort he can get.
Chapter 10
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