J2 AU one-shot: After the ordeal 2/2
They don't sleep together since Jensen had come home from the hospital. They had tried, the first night, but every time Jared had moved or brushed against Jensen, his boyfriend had woken up in a jolt, gasping for air. Jared had offered to move to the guest room facing theirs, but Jensen had taken it for himself, gesturing vaguely towards their beds. "Don't feel… I… it's too big." He had said, lowering his eyes.
On the second night, Jared had been getting ready for bed when he had heard a loud noise coming from the guest room. He had found Jensen trying to move his bed from one side to the other. He had helped when he had realized what Jensen was trying to do. They could see each other while lying down if they kept their doors open that way. Jensen had remained very still, curled under the blanket and never turning his eyes away from Jared until he had succumbed to his Ativan-induced sleep.
Jared had waited to let himself drift off until Jensen was fast asleep. He never turned his eyes either.
Tonight isn't different. Jared leaves the bathroom's light on so they're not totally in the dark and Jensen can watch him. He looks so thin and shallow, his head peeking out of the comforter, still tense and nervous but trying to curl on himself like he could disappear if he tried hard enough.
"You okay?" Jared asks, and thinks that it's a stupid question because Jen is everything but okay.
He nods softly and whispers. "Good night, Jay."
"Good night. Love you."
It had happened in the underground parking lot near the university. There were three of them. One had held Lenore, Jensen's young assistant, to the barrel of his gun as the other twos had raped him. Lenore had been killed and Jensen would have followed if a security guard hadn't started his round at that moment.
Jared doesn't let himself think about it. Imagining Jensen's pain and fear during the whole thing is unbearable. He hates when night comes because once he's asleep, he can't control the nightmares that plague him. Jensen dies in each and every single one of them. Sometimes Jared has to watch the whole thing.
Tonight, however, he isn't asleep long enough for the dreams to come. A long, guttural cry awakens him and he jumps off the bed, confused and uneasy. Trying to get himself together, he sees Jensen's body trashing, tangled up in the sheets. His eyes are closed still. He's drenched in sweat. He gasps, then starts yelling.
"Jen…"
Jared takes the few steps that separates them and sits on his boyfriend's bed, grabbing him by the shoulders, slightly panicked. It's not Jensen's first nightmare -far from it- but he's usually able to pull himself from them, waking up with a silent gasp and falling back asleep easily after that.
This. This is different. It's as though Jensen is locked inside himself, unable to tell the difference between his nightmare and reality.
"Jen, wake up, babe." Jared says, trying to make himself heard over Jensen's hoarse cry.
Jensen shakes his head frantically and chokes on the end of the scream. Tears spill from his fluttering eyes and he starts panting, fighting feebly to free himself from Jared's grip. He's not waking up.
"Jen! Come on, man, I'm here. Snap out of it, please." Jared shouts, trying to gather Jensen's upper body in his arms.
"No don't… please don't I'm sorry… DON'T!"
Jensen swings his broken arm right against Jared's ribs. The impact causes Jared to yelp and tighten his grip reflexively. Jensen's eyes snap open. He looks wild and terrified.
"J-Jared?"
"Yeah, babe. You were dreaming."
"Jared." Jensen repeats, catching his breath. Then he bursts into tears so suddenly that his body shakes with the force of it. He takes a long, shuddering breath and lets out a hoarse, moaning sob, wrapping his good arm around Jared's waist.
"Hey, come on, Jensen. You're okay. You're safe." Jared coaxes, running his fingers through Jen's wet bangs.
"N-n-no you…" Jensen hiccups, "You d-don't huh… F-f-fuck… Understand! You don't understand!" He manages to say before he lets his head fall forward on Jared's chest, wetting his t-shirt with a fresh flow of tears. He shivers so badly Jared has a hard time keeping him up. He wraps an arm around his shoulders and lays back on the bed, dragging Jensen along with him. He tries to make a safe cocoon for his boyfriend, pulling the comforter over the both of them, closing his arms around his frail body. Jensen's sobs are harsh, like he's having has a hard time getting them out. It's not the first time he has cried since the assault, but this doesn't have anything to do with the few, quiet tears he shed before. Jared doesn't know whether to be scared or relieved by this sudden fit, but Jensen is suffering here, in his arms, and he feels his own sorrow swelling in his throat.
"Talk to me, Jensen, please. M'here. M'not going anywhere. Not gonna let anything bad happen to you ever again."
"I should've… Should've… Fuck! She keeps c-c-coming back in my dreams." Jensen rasps.
"Who?"
"She says I should've fought h-harder, she wouldn't have died if I'd fought h-h-… God-" Jensen can't go on, sobbing so hard he barely manages to catch his breath. Jared rubs soothing circles on his back, feeling the skin hot and damp underneath the fabric, whispering gently in Jensen's ear. "Breathe, baby. Come on… You gotta breathe. Yeah… That's it… Breathe for me."
It takes a few more minutes before Jensen is calm enough to speak again. Even then, tears keep dropping from his swollen eyes. "Lenny," he groans. "In my dream, she's so mad at me, because it's my fault she's dead. And she's right. M-maybe, if I'd fought them longer she would've still been alive when the security guard arrived and…"
Jensen starts shaking again. A long moan rips from his throat, and Jared swears to himself, right then, that he'll make everything right so that he'll never have to listen to this wounded animal noise ever again. "Jen, stop it. They were armed, there were three of them. You did the best you could. They're the ones responsible for Lenore's death. I'm so proud of you, you've been so brave. You still are."
"No, I'm not. M'not. I'm so freaking scared all the time it's choking me. Can't think about anything else and… I know they've been arrested but I can't wrap my head around it and I. Can't. Stop. Being scared. So tired of being scared."
"It's gonna get better," Jared say and works really hard to make himself believe it. "Give it some time, Jen. I'll be there with you every step of the way."
"I want them out of my head," Jensen moans, fighting to keep his breath under control. "What… w-what if I can't?"
"You will. M'not gonna let them take you away from me. Never."
"They already did," Jensen says in a small, barely audible voice.
Those words tear Jared's into pieces and he cannot bear it. He pulls Jensen away from him and cups his face with his hands. Jensen's eyes are rimmed red and swollen. He's got blotches on his cheeks and his lips are trembling. He's on the verge of exhaustion, skin damp with drying tears as new ones still fall. "Don't you say that. Don't even think about that. You're here, you're with me and you're gonna get better. The doctors said you were a fighter, Jen. These bastards don't get to win, you understand me? They killed your friend, they raped you. They don't get to hold any kind of power over you, okay? Do I make myself clear?"
Jensen nods almost frantically. "I'm sorry," He pants, then his eyes roll in their sockets and he becomes a dead weight in Jared's arms. "Hey, Jensen. Breathe, damn it. Breathe baby. Jen!"
Jared slaps his boyfriend's cheek, wincing at the noise his palm makes against Jensen's skin, but it works. Jensen looks startled and shocked, but he does take a long shaking breath. His lips, which were almost blue, start to fill with blood again. "That's it, that's my boy," Jared praises very gently. "You're exhausted, babe. You need to calm down now. Think you can do that for me?"
Jensen nods and lets Jared manhandle him onto his back, head against the pillow. His big green eyes focused solely on Jared.
Jared pulls out his t-shirt and softly wipes his boyfriend's face, stroking his hair to keep him calm. "There," he says, kissing his forehead. "I'm gonna grab you a glass of water, okay?"
"Yeah," Jensen croaks, letting tiredness wash over him.
Jared is already coming back with the water when Jensen tries to rise on his elbows, muscles shaking with the effort. Jared has to help him hold the glass of water but Jensen manages to drink most of it without spilling too much. Then, he falls back on the pillow and blinks at Jared like a sleepy child fighting to stay awake. "Don't go, Jay."
"Want me to sleep with you?"
"Yeah. Please."
Jensen moves and turns on his side, cradling his broken arm against his chest. Without a word, Jared gets behind him and wraps his arm around his boyfriend's waist, plastering himself as much as he can against Jensen's lax body.
"That good?"
"Yeah. Don't let go of me."
"Never."
Jared slowly kisses Jensen's neck, breathing his smell, feeling his chest moving as he breathes more and more evenly, still hiccupping from time to time.
They sleep through the night without waking up.
The day after, they have a meeting with their psychiatrist.
Jensen talks for a long time. Jared holds his hand and doesn't let go.
Fin