Honestly, Dad...Fuck you.

[ethnique]

So my Dad phones me a few minutes ago to inform me that I no longer have any call display, call waiting, voicemail, or any minutes to talk with. All I have is unlimited texting. When I said I would pay him the cost of my phonebill, he just freaks out on me and starts bringing up shit that happened over 4 years ago, and makes me feel like a guilty piece of shit. He hasn't done this in a long time, and I swore to myself that if he ever started again, I'd cut him out of my life. So, I'm at a crossroads. I'm sick of him being able to completely destroy me, and make me feel so worthless. Basically, in his eyes he says, I am nothing but an ungrateful, conniving liar who will turn out just like my mother, or end up in jail like my half-sister. I use him just like they did, and that I am a lazy shit who won't get a job. Starts going on about my hair and piercing, even though he just smiled and shook his head about it when he saw me yesterday afternoon and that I will never get a job looking like a freakshow.

So now, I can't stop crying even though I know that he's probably just drunk but still. Sometimes I can't just ignore all the hateful things he says. Sometimes I can't defend myself, sometimes I am just reduced to nothing. I haven't cried like this in so long, I actually can't breathe without gasping for air. My body is aching from crying so much, and as angry as I am I can't stop myself. I'm just going to resume crying on my bed, curled up into a tight ball. I honestly haven't felt this horrible since before I got treated for depression/post-traumatic stress disorder. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel this way, I hope you choke on that last sip of whiskey you prick.