(no subject)
Yesterday I went over my mom's house to celebrate her birthday. I had already been feeling in a crappy mood because of lovely PMS, but I was determined to put it behind me since it was my mom's day. Unfortunately though when I'm in that delicate of an emotional state, any little thing can set me off and oh did it. My dad came over for dinner on Sunday. I had invited him over in the summer, but because of his kid's crazy schedule it didn't happen until now. The night was fine, we had dinner, all went well. Then yesterday before I went over my mom's I sent him an email asking if he would be willing to contribute to our rehearsal dinner. I wrote this long email saying nothing will change if you can't do it , it's totally fine. I only asked because he offered to help with the wedding. Most of the wedding we are paying for ourselves and we have planned it as such.
So anyway, I send this email and then go over my mom's. Well my sister and I came over and basically it comes up that my dad said something to the effect of why did Jill invite me over for dinner on Sunday, is she going to ask for money? And that's what set me off. I agonized for months about asking him for money, I've never asked him for that before. One because no matter what he always makes me feel guilty and two because our relationship is still on shaky ground. He offered though and Joe convinced me that I had the right to ask as long as I didn't expect it. Which I didn't. So to hear that comment just added to my hurt and then I just let 11 years of hurt come pouring out. I started crying and spouting everything off that has been inside. I dont' even remember what I said because it just came out so freely for the first time ever. I have so many issues with my dad that I've never addressed and I still feel to this day that I can't talk to him about it. It's like I have to forget it all or we're never going to resolve anything, which isn't fair. So after like 10 minutes of this, I finally stop.
Then I came home and my dad calls me leaving me a voicemail saying he had asked on Sunday how many people was in our bridal party because he had planned to help with the rehearsal dinner. So that just sets me off again because even though my sister changed her story about the comment and it eventually came to be a joke, my dad continues to make me feel guilty. I really was just trying to form a relationship with my dad again, but he doesn't get that it's a slow process because I have all these issues still left over. So now all these issues are fresh in my mind which they haven't been for years and I wish I could get them out with him. But my dad doesn't communicate so nothing will happen. And now I don't even want to call my dad back and don't want to take his money because it comes with so much guilt.