I missed, I failed... I trust.
My first test date was on 23 January. I did not get to take that because I stupidly left my wallet in the office, with my Provisional Driving License and my I.C. in it. Dennis was such a darling and immediately got in a cab in the crazily heavy rain, went back to my office, and came back. Twelve minutes was too late to be not too late, and I missed the test. I was so upset with God, because I knew He could have made things work, but He didn't.
The earliest test was in April, and I booked the 3 April one. Today is 3 April. Today, I failed. I could not understand why, because the thing I was most afraid of did not happen: I didn't mount any kerbs. My tester was strict: 2 points here and 4 points there, this turn too wide and that turn too sharp. These small mistakes added up and I failed. $220 gone, again. I have spent so much time and money and it truly, really felt absolutely terrible.
I put on my headphones, listened to Made Me Glad by Hillsong, and I started to cry and cry. It might be that my period is just round the corner and I am exceptionally emotional (at least more so than I usually am, which is quite a bit to begin with) and I was so frustrated and angry and disappointed and even hurt.
"I knew You would do this to me God. I knew you're just unfair to me. You're always refining me and putting me through trials and tests and all this nonsense. I'm probably the one you'd pick to wait around until I'm 35 seeing all my friends get married (and You know, You know more than anyone else this is my biggest dream) and I'd not even be attached, for the sake of this refining and purifying business. Why, God? Why? Can You just take my life now living on earth and constantly being tested, this is too hard for me to bear. There's just too much crap for this soul to take, okay?"
These thoughts were running through my mind and I cried as I wrestled with God and sang His praises at the same time. I'm not even sure how that was possible, but it did happen.
In the end, who wins? He always does. I'm at home now, going to grab a bag of cut apples before heading to the missionary's house for a meeting.
I guess the point of all that has happened today is not so much my failure. Before the test I told God, if I fail, you're still in control. And perhaps this would teach me how to encourage and comfort people in future. You're sovereign and I trust you no matter what happens.
And this it is now my turn to carry out that promise I made, the promise to trust and surrender. And I do. I do, not because I am great and awesome, as the above has explicitly proven otherwise. I do, because He is good. I have booked the next test, and I thank God is before July when I leave for China and when I have to pay to renew my school enrollment.
God does take care of my heart. And even though I am still not distinctly sure why I failed the way I did, I'll sing His praises and I'll trust and I'll surrender (Cue: Blessed Be Your Name).
And, I think I look silly, but I'm smiling as I am typing this on my Macbook.
The earliest test was in April, and I booked the 3 April one. Today is 3 April. Today, I failed. I could not understand why, because the thing I was most afraid of did not happen: I didn't mount any kerbs. My tester was strict: 2 points here and 4 points there, this turn too wide and that turn too sharp. These small mistakes added up and I failed. $220 gone, again. I have spent so much time and money and it truly, really felt absolutely terrible.
I put on my headphones, listened to Made Me Glad by Hillsong, and I started to cry and cry. It might be that my period is just round the corner and I am exceptionally emotional (at least more so than I usually am, which is quite a bit to begin with) and I was so frustrated and angry and disappointed and even hurt.
"I knew You would do this to me God. I knew you're just unfair to me. You're always refining me and putting me through trials and tests and all this nonsense. I'm probably the one you'd pick to wait around until I'm 35 seeing all my friends get married (and You know, You know more than anyone else this is my biggest dream) and I'd not even be attached, for the sake of this refining and purifying business. Why, God? Why? Can You just take my life now living on earth and constantly being tested, this is too hard for me to bear. There's just too much crap for this soul to take, okay?"
These thoughts were running through my mind and I cried as I wrestled with God and sang His praises at the same time. I'm not even sure how that was possible, but it did happen.
In the end, who wins? He always does. I'm at home now, going to grab a bag of cut apples before heading to the missionary's house for a meeting.
I guess the point of all that has happened today is not so much my failure. Before the test I told God, if I fail, you're still in control. And perhaps this would teach me how to encourage and comfort people in future. You're sovereign and I trust you no matter what happens.
And this it is now my turn to carry out that promise I made, the promise to trust and surrender. And I do. I do, not because I am great and awesome, as the above has explicitly proven otherwise. I do, because He is good. I have booked the next test, and I thank God is before July when I leave for China and when I have to pay to renew my school enrollment.
God does take care of my heart. And even though I am still not distinctly sure why I failed the way I did, I'll sing His praises and I'll trust and I'll surrender (Cue: Blessed Be Your Name).
And, I think I look silly, but I'm smiling as I am typing this on my Macbook.