2011/2012
That day during my lunch break, I sat down at a cafe tucked in the corner on the street where I work on, got an almond latte, and wrote. 2011 has been both the best and worst year of my twenty years on this planet.
So much has happened. I graduated from Design School, I got my first real job ever. I went through a break up. I spent two weeks in China for a mission trip. I was in the camp committee for an amazing camp. I joined the music and worship team, a calling I have ignored for years. I started attending Bible Study Fellowship. I went to the Maldives, and stayed in a 6 star hotel for the first time. I mentored and shepherded my youths with all my heart and soul, more than I have ever done before. I got to become close friends with people I know will stay in my life for... a long, long time. I was completely taken off medication which I had to take daily for 7 months because the doctor said I was okay. I prayed with my sister for the first time. I also prayed with my father, for the very first time. I travelled alone, and to Europe, both for the first time. I was baptised. I ran a 21km race. I encountered God, almost every day, in big ways and small. I was healed, and set free, and changed, indelibly. If I could summarise it: In 2011, I was loved.
Actually, I was loved all twenty years of my life. But in 2011 I was starkly aware of this unending, amazing, unfailing love, the only love I have ever and will ever need.
"...I can only say that I'm full of intense fear, I'm weaker than I ever have been, I'm not wise, not at all, and I'm not sure who I really am, so I don't know how to be true to myself. I am searching, grasping, desperately seeking. I am not struggling with one or two areas of my life, I am struggling with my entire life, struggling within my whole being. For the lack of a better vocabulary, I am but a complete, utter mess. I have never been more broken.
No big, huge plans, no lofty ambitions. No glorious goals to reach, and no determined resolutions I make. No confidence to bring along, no bravery to show the world. Not much strength left at all, no sword and shield, no preparedness to fight. All I bring along, is my trembling heart with all its fears, as I put one foot forward, three days late, into 2011. With that little bit of trust, in nothing and nobody else but Him."
These are the exact words I said last year, on the 4th January 2011. If I could write a short two paragraphs for 2011 (in response to reading what I wrote last year), this is what I would say:
I am still fearful, sometimes, but so much less than I was. Not because I am brave, but because I have come to experience God's faithfulness and goodness - how He has never, ever let me go, never, ever failed. I'm a little stronger, a little wiser, and I know so much better who I really am. Now, I'm learning how to stay true to myself, true to who God created me to be. I have searched, and found. I have grasped, only to find that my hand had all along been grasped by God's own. I have desperately sought, and I did find, but only because He found me first. I struggled, not with one or two areas of my life, but with my entire life - only to be saved, rescued and set free by my Jesus.
Now, I have huge plans, lofty ambitions - that I know have been given to me by God. I have determined resolutions - to keep seeking Him and following where He leads me. I know where my source of strength is, and in my own weakness but with His endless strength, I go with Jesus as my battle-shield and sword for the fight. My heart is still the same old weak, broken, needy, sinful human heart, but it's now a heart which knows full well who God is and how faithful and true He is. So, with this irrevocably changed heart, I step (two days late instead of three this time) into 2012.
So, with this, I say today: Take my 2012, God. It's Yours.
So much has happened. I graduated from Design School, I got my first real job ever. I went through a break up. I spent two weeks in China for a mission trip. I was in the camp committee for an amazing camp. I joined the music and worship team, a calling I have ignored for years. I started attending Bible Study Fellowship. I went to the Maldives, and stayed in a 6 star hotel for the first time. I mentored and shepherded my youths with all my heart and soul, more than I have ever done before. I got to become close friends with people I know will stay in my life for... a long, long time. I was completely taken off medication which I had to take daily for 7 months because the doctor said I was okay. I prayed with my sister for the first time. I also prayed with my father, for the very first time. I travelled alone, and to Europe, both for the first time. I was baptised. I ran a 21km race. I encountered God, almost every day, in big ways and small. I was healed, and set free, and changed, indelibly. If I could summarise it: In 2011, I was loved.
Actually, I was loved all twenty years of my life. But in 2011 I was starkly aware of this unending, amazing, unfailing love, the only love I have ever and will ever need.
"...I can only say that I'm full of intense fear, I'm weaker than I ever have been, I'm not wise, not at all, and I'm not sure who I really am, so I don't know how to be true to myself. I am searching, grasping, desperately seeking. I am not struggling with one or two areas of my life, I am struggling with my entire life, struggling within my whole being. For the lack of a better vocabulary, I am but a complete, utter mess. I have never been more broken.
No big, huge plans, no lofty ambitions. No glorious goals to reach, and no determined resolutions I make. No confidence to bring along, no bravery to show the world. Not much strength left at all, no sword and shield, no preparedness to fight. All I bring along, is my trembling heart with all its fears, as I put one foot forward, three days late, into 2011. With that little bit of trust, in nothing and nobody else but Him."
These are the exact words I said last year, on the 4th January 2011. If I could write a short two paragraphs for 2011 (in response to reading what I wrote last year), this is what I would say:
I am still fearful, sometimes, but so much less than I was. Not because I am brave, but because I have come to experience God's faithfulness and goodness - how He has never, ever let me go, never, ever failed. I'm a little stronger, a little wiser, and I know so much better who I really am. Now, I'm learning how to stay true to myself, true to who God created me to be. I have searched, and found. I have grasped, only to find that my hand had all along been grasped by God's own. I have desperately sought, and I did find, but only because He found me first. I struggled, not with one or two areas of my life, but with my entire life - only to be saved, rescued and set free by my Jesus.
Now, I have huge plans, lofty ambitions - that I know have been given to me by God. I have determined resolutions - to keep seeking Him and following where He leads me. I know where my source of strength is, and in my own weakness but with His endless strength, I go with Jesus as my battle-shield and sword for the fight. My heart is still the same old weak, broken, needy, sinful human heart, but it's now a heart which knows full well who God is and how faithful and true He is. So, with this irrevocably changed heart, I step (two days late instead of three this time) into 2012.
So, with this, I say today: Take my 2012, God. It's Yours.