This love is full of lies and sorries we don't use
Probably the thing I should not be doing is sitting in my maybe-fiance's dark office, listening to Wade Bowen sing about heartbreak and disappointment.
The thing is, you can talk about "working it out," but that's a very abstract and arbitrary set of behaviors that can be different for different people. For me, working it out means turning the problem inside out, talking about it from different angles and finding a solution. If that solution doesn't work out, try another one. For him, working it out seems to mean one day of great behavior (the day after the world imploded, I came home to a clean house and a hot dinner) and then ignoring the situation entirely. When I ask him to justify his behavior, or the schism between his actions and his words, he doesn't know what to say. He says, "I don't know. I'm not good at articulating, ya know..." It's like he hasn't thought about it at all.
And no. It wasn't the first time he'd lied to try to save face. After the fact, I realized he's done it a handful of other times, and it was always tied to someone else's perception of his success. Saying he was in school and working when he'd dropped out and looking for a job in a very sort-of capacity. Failing to mention he didn't have money for rent and bills when we were in Chicago.
I recall the first time we broke up, four years ago this July, at the behest of my father, who said he would not help me with school any longer if I continued with the relationship. We had been enduring difficulties anyway, in part because I felt like our lives were headed in different directions; I was ready for a career and financial independence. After three days crying alone in my apartment, I called him and said I messed up. We talked it out and began seeing each other again, but I wasn't sure then it was the right decision. I feel the same way now. When I'm with him, I usually think it's right, but when I'm alone...
I think terrible things. It's his fault I'm so financially scattered. He's only marrying me because he doesn't ever want have to put the effort into dating again.
Like Sandy said, this is the package. It is up to me to decide whether I want to buy it or not. Things aren't going to change. Can I deal with this? Is it worth dealing with? I love him. I do. If he works on it too, goes to counseling for his compulsion to lie to avoid trouble, if we go to counseling together to deal with our joint issues, and he's really trying, then, yes I think love is worth the hassle.
I don't know where the line is between being forgiving and being stupid. Am I a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man? Sure. Am I a schmuck? Only he can answer that, with his actions going forward. In a few weeks, I'll have my answer.
The thing is, you can talk about "working it out," but that's a very abstract and arbitrary set of behaviors that can be different for different people. For me, working it out means turning the problem inside out, talking about it from different angles and finding a solution. If that solution doesn't work out, try another one. For him, working it out seems to mean one day of great behavior (the day after the world imploded, I came home to a clean house and a hot dinner) and then ignoring the situation entirely. When I ask him to justify his behavior, or the schism between his actions and his words, he doesn't know what to say. He says, "I don't know. I'm not good at articulating, ya know..." It's like he hasn't thought about it at all.
And no. It wasn't the first time he'd lied to try to save face. After the fact, I realized he's done it a handful of other times, and it was always tied to someone else's perception of his success. Saying he was in school and working when he'd dropped out and looking for a job in a very sort-of capacity. Failing to mention he didn't have money for rent and bills when we were in Chicago.
I recall the first time we broke up, four years ago this July, at the behest of my father, who said he would not help me with school any longer if I continued with the relationship. We had been enduring difficulties anyway, in part because I felt like our lives were headed in different directions; I was ready for a career and financial independence. After three days crying alone in my apartment, I called him and said I messed up. We talked it out and began seeing each other again, but I wasn't sure then it was the right decision. I feel the same way now. When I'm with him, I usually think it's right, but when I'm alone...
I think terrible things. It's his fault I'm so financially scattered. He's only marrying me because he doesn't ever want have to put the effort into dating again.
Like Sandy said, this is the package. It is up to me to decide whether I want to buy it or not. Things aren't going to change. Can I deal with this? Is it worth dealing with? I love him. I do. If he works on it too, goes to counseling for his compulsion to lie to avoid trouble, if we go to counseling together to deal with our joint issues, and he's really trying, then, yes I think love is worth the hassle.
I don't know where the line is between being forgiving and being stupid. Am I a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timing man? Sure. Am I a schmuck? Only he can answer that, with his actions going forward. In a few weeks, I'll have my answer.