Death....
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears...And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone...These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, and there's just too much that time cannot erase...When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I held your hand through all of this years, but you still have.....all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light but now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams, your voice it chased away all the sanity in me...I've tried to hard to tell myself you're gone, and though you're still with me I've been alone.....All along......
An old friend of mine died at the end of September. It's not fair. He was so young and such a good person. He was so full of life and talent and love. I'm heartbroken over this. I've known 3 months now but suddenly it's hitting me so hard. Maybe it's because Zach is getting his first car and I'm worried to death about him. I don't know what I'd do if he died. He is the one person in the world I know without question I would die for. I would give up anything to keep him safe. I cannnot imagine how Misty (Derrick's sister) is feeling. I don't know if I could go on without Zach....... It seems so long ago that I felt true passion. Passion for my writings, life, love, Sarah, my dreams. Sometimes I feel surrounded by the walking dead. I feel surrounded by people who aren't truly living. I'm so glad I met Emily. She seems to have so many dreams and hopes and is so full of life and energy. Her room is filled with the things she loves, the things she believes in, the dreams she has. And she's made me want that too. I feel as though I've taken time and life for granted for so long. Blank stares, empty feelings, a shell. It's not fair that Derrick is dead when he craved life so much. He was so loved, and it's not fair he's gone. I want to make my life count. I wnat to help people, and love people, and be happy. Even if I'm not happy, I want true feelings. Love, anger, jealousy, depression, euphoria, joy, pain. I see so many people who intoxicate their bodies so that they can feel something other than numbness or disappointment. I'm glad to be alive. I went to the cemetary today to see Derrick. His tombstone is beautiful. I think I'd cry over it even if I didn't know him, but the memories of his smile, his laugh, the little messages he wrote in my yearbook...we haven't been close in years, but I've always loved him. I hope he's happy now. I hope he isn't lying in the ground souless. That is my biggest fear, that this is all there is, "what if none of it matters?" Religion, souls, the afterlife are so confusing to me. I see people do things that are wrong, that are hurtful, but they call themselves good people even though they judge and hate others. I see people follow a specific set of rules for their religion because of fear. They are afraid if they don't follow these rules, they will be punished forever. I think you should be a good person and love others because you want to. I think it should be done with sincerity. I just want to live. Just experience everything. See the world, graduate, be close to my family, get married, have children, make love, get old and gray, ride rollercoasters, cry, scream, hug people, take pictures with my friends, see my little brother grow up.
An old friend of mine died at the end of September. It's not fair. He was so young and such a good person. He was so full of life and talent and love. I'm heartbroken over this. I've known 3 months now but suddenly it's hitting me so hard. Maybe it's because Zach is getting his first car and I'm worried to death about him. I don't know what I'd do if he died. He is the one person in the world I know without question I would die for. I would give up anything to keep him safe. I cannnot imagine how Misty (Derrick's sister) is feeling. I don't know if I could go on without Zach....... It seems so long ago that I felt true passion. Passion for my writings, life, love, Sarah, my dreams. Sometimes I feel surrounded by the walking dead. I feel surrounded by people who aren't truly living. I'm so glad I met Emily. She seems to have so many dreams and hopes and is so full of life and energy. Her room is filled with the things she loves, the things she believes in, the dreams she has. And she's made me want that too. I feel as though I've taken time and life for granted for so long. Blank stares, empty feelings, a shell. It's not fair that Derrick is dead when he craved life so much. He was so loved, and it's not fair he's gone. I want to make my life count. I wnat to help people, and love people, and be happy. Even if I'm not happy, I want true feelings. Love, anger, jealousy, depression, euphoria, joy, pain. I see so many people who intoxicate their bodies so that they can feel something other than numbness or disappointment. I'm glad to be alive. I went to the cemetary today to see Derrick. His tombstone is beautiful. I think I'd cry over it even if I didn't know him, but the memories of his smile, his laugh, the little messages he wrote in my yearbook...we haven't been close in years, but I've always loved him. I hope he's happy now. I hope he isn't lying in the ground souless. That is my biggest fear, that this is all there is, "what if none of it matters?" Religion, souls, the afterlife are so confusing to me. I see people do things that are wrong, that are hurtful, but they call themselves good people even though they judge and hate others. I see people follow a specific set of rules for their religion because of fear. They are afraid if they don't follow these rules, they will be punished forever. I think you should be a good person and love others because you want to. I think it should be done with sincerity. I just want to live. Just experience everything. See the world, graduate, be close to my family, get married, have children, make love, get old and gray, ride rollercoasters, cry, scream, hug people, take pictures with my friends, see my little brother grow up.