Fic: Not for Me
Title:Not for Me
Author:EtherealFlaim
Rating:PG-13
Fandom:Stargate SG-1
Warnings:Character death. I haven't the guts to change canon quite that much.
Pairings:Lt. Col. Cameron Mitchell/Maj. Bryce Ferguson
Spoilers:Season 9, Episode 14 "Stronghold"
Summary:A piece of Mitchell's past comes back, in a very big way.
Author's Notes:The canon had way too many hints that Cameron felt a little too strongly for Major Ferguson. I mean seriously, that look? C'mon! Anyway, this was just begging to be written. Apologies beforehand if this particular storyline has already been overused for you =).
"Well, this must be pretty important to you. I'd imagine you had to pull some pretty big strings to make this happen?" the doctor was saying.
Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell smiled slightly. "Ferguson got that chunk of metal in his head saving my sorry ass four years ago."
The doctor smiled in understanding. "I'll do what I can." She nodded slightly and stepped purposefully away, leaving Cameron alone with his thoughts.
It should have been me.
---
Cameron was lying on the empty hospital bed in Major Bryce Ferguson's room, listening to his old friend piece together rather important pieces of the truth. He drifted in and out of the conversation, alternately feeling like he owed Bryce an explanation and feeling that nothing he said could ever make the wounded airman feel any better. Telling him anything would be a selfish act calculated only to ease his own guilt. So, he remained quiet.
---
"I know you were hoping for better news, Colonel, I'm sorry." The doctor was talking again. Cameron reached deep within himself and found the last bit of hope left, and grasped at it, waiting for good news as the doctor continued. "But I'm afraid we are out of options."
Suddenly Cameron felt himself without anything to hold onto. His head froze, and his heart shattered. Feeling tears threatening to escape his eyes, he fell back on the only emotion left to him. Spinning around, Cameron hit the coffee machine, shattering the glass display with his elbow.
It didn't help.
---
Cameron stood with his back to the wall outside Bryce's room, with the memory device looming at his side like a black dragon waiting to incinerate the few remaining pieces of his life. He remembered Carter's words only moments before.
Is showing your friend the truth really going to make him feel any better? she'd asked.
He wants to know I'm not going to be burdened with guilt over the fact that he died because of me.
Is the truth going to change that?
Not for me.
The truth was, Cameron had gotten over that particular piece of his own guilt years previously. What he hadn't gotten over, however, was the closeness he had felt to Bryce Ferguson, and the pain he'd been struck with when they had been separated. He knew he felt it far more strongly than he had any right to, and he knew that he had let himself believe--due in no small part to the sacrifice--that maybe, just maybe, Ferguson had felt the same.
He'd filled the memory device with some of his most brilliant moments as a member of SG-1, and some of his most bitter defeats. He included as much as he could remember from the dogfight in Antarctica. And last, he had included the few memories onto which he had held the strongest as he felt his life leeching out into the cold, unforgiving snow. Memories of the best times he and Bryce had shared as cadets, each being there time and time again to pick up the pieces of the other or bail him out of some mishap. He knew all to well that the depth of the emotion attached to these memories would be maintained in the device, and opening himself up like this to anyone... even the one person in the world who might understand... scared him shitless.
And with that realization, he threw caution into the winds and stepped through the door into the hospital room.
---
"Look, before I go, I have to say something, and I'm going to have to live with it no matter what you say or do," Cameron said, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his pounding heartbeat.
Bryce sat up slightly in his bed.
"I'm sorry.
"I'm doing what I'm doing and you're not because I acted rashly. I'm a hot-head, and you're suffering because of it." I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.
"No, you're doing what you're doing because of who you are. When you see an opportunity, you take it. The stuff you're doing now, you gotta be a little angry. You think too much, you'll just freeze up. I mean, you're going to other planets through a freaking wormhole, you have to be a ittle nuts." Bryce laid his head back against his pillow, apparently contemplating the magnitude of what he had just experienced.
"I just don't want to screw up again."
"Just be yourself, Cam, trust me." His voice grew imperceptibly quieter. "That's pretty damn good."
Cameron didn't know what to say. Looking down at the strong soldier beside him, he found it almost impossible to believe that something barely the size of a coin could be threatening his life. "Thanks," he managed.
Cameron watched as the understanding washed over the younger man's face.
"I would have done it for anyone, you know that." Bryce said. "It's part of the job."
"Yeah, it is."
Cameron looked over to the memory recorder, and watched his hand reach out to touch the 'Play' crystal as though of its own accord.
----
To Bryce Ferguson, the ten seconds it took the memories to insert themselves into his brain seemed like hours. When he finally opened his eyes, he had finished reliving Cameron's crash X-302 crash three times over. When he looked up, he finally saw the tears in the corner of his old friend's eyes for what they really meant; saw the love and admiration reflected in the light blue of the lieutenant colonel's eyes which he had never before dared to see.
Bryce sat up in his bed, never breaking eye contact.
"Oh, Cam." He could see the fear in his friend's eyes, and he could practically feel the tremor of the man's racing heart. "I never knew."
Actually, that's not strictly true... his conscience reminded him. You just didn't want to see it.
And with that realization coupled with his newly acquired memories of Teal'c, Major Bryce Ferguson knew exactly what he had to do.
With all the self-assurance he could muster, he reached out his hand, cupping it behind Cameron's neck. At the touch of his fingers on the soft flesh, Bryce could feel Cameron melting. Bryce drew him in gently, tilting his head slightly to the side and allowing their lips to meet gently. Cameron's lips parted slowly against his own, surprisingly soft and warm. He didn't know what he had expected, really, but certainly not this. Least of all, he didn't expect to find his own tongue sliding out to brush gently against Cameron's before retreating, or that when Cameron's followed in kind the kiss would deepen and grow in passion until they both found themselves locked in a tight embrace on the hospital bed, out of breath and gazing into one another's eyes as if it was the first time they'd seen each other.
Cameron was biting his lip again, obviously unsure what to do next. Bryce didn't pause long enough to allow his brain to register where this was going, knowing that if he did he'd probably chicken out and break Cam's heart even more. He reached up and slowly removed the jacket from around Cameron's broad shoulders, relishing the warmth and friction as his wrists traced down the muscuar arms. Letting the jacket slide off Cameron's back of its own accord, he allowed his hands to trace the rest of the way down to Cam's hands, quietly interlacing their fingers.
Cameron drew his right hand up, and held the back of Bryce's hand to his still-damp lips. "Ferguson..." he breathed.
And then they were kissing again, all caution thrown to the wind.
---
Everything quickly became a blur. When the room phone jingled, Bryce came to himself as if he had been slapped. He couldn't remember how his shirt had come off, or if he had been the one who removed Cameron's. His eyes met Cam's, and he knew they were both thinking the same thing: Well, shit.
Bryce watched as Cameron reached for the phone and held the reciever to his ear.
"Speaking."
Cameron's eyes never left his own, and Bryce could read the worry etched on the officer's face as the he listened. Cameron dropped the reciever heavily into its cradle.
"It's Teal'c." He said.
"Go," Bryce replied, placing a hand on Cameron's chest and giving a light push. "You can't save me, but you sure as hell had better save him."
Cameron's eyes fell. "Don't say that."
"It's true, Cam." Bryce sat up and put his hand on Cam's bare shoulder. "Get out of here."
---
As Bryce Ferguson watched Cameron disappear from his room, he fell back against his pillow. He smiled to himself and closed his eyes for the last time. As he drifted off into sleep, he couldn't help but think that he had saved Cameron Mitchell's life for a second time.
That gave him peace.
----
Cameron was sitting at the table in the briefing room. He picked up the set of metal tags from the table, and wrapped them in his hand, relishing the coolness of the steel.
"I'm sorry, sir." It was Carter. "I know how much he meant to you."
Cameron laughed skeptically. "Yeah."
Carter smiled slightly and placed her hand over his own. "I do."
Cameron looked up at her, curious. "What do you mean by that?"
Carter looked away for a second before making eye contact again.
"Your shirt's still on inside-out, Cam."
They both started laughing as the tension broke. To Cameron, it seemed like the first time he had laughed in a thousand years, and it felt wonderful.
"Oh, Sam, you never were one to miss out on the tiny details, were you?"
"No, no I wasn't. I don't think anyone else noticed, though."
"Well, that's a relief."
Cameron was silent for a few seconds, and the smile on his face began to wane.
"I didn't even really say goodbye to him."
Samantha Carter placed her hand atop his own once more and gave it a slight squeeze.
"Would it have changed anything?" she asked.
"Not for me." Comments are always appreciated!
"Well, this must be pretty important to you. I'd imagine you had to pull some pretty big strings to make this happen?" the doctor was saying.
Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell smiled slightly. "Ferguson got that chunk of metal in his head saving my sorry ass four years ago."
The doctor smiled in understanding. "I'll do what I can." She nodded slightly and stepped purposefully away, leaving Cameron alone with his thoughts.
It should have been me.
---
Cameron was lying on the empty hospital bed in Major Bryce Ferguson's room, listening to his old friend piece together rather important pieces of the truth. He drifted in and out of the conversation, alternately feeling like he owed Bryce an explanation and feeling that nothing he said could ever make the wounded airman feel any better. Telling him anything would be a selfish act calculated only to ease his own guilt. So, he remained quiet.
---
"I know you were hoping for better news, Colonel, I'm sorry." The doctor was talking again. Cameron reached deep within himself and found the last bit of hope left, and grasped at it, waiting for good news as the doctor continued. "But I'm afraid we are out of options."
Suddenly Cameron felt himself without anything to hold onto. His head froze, and his heart shattered. Feeling tears threatening to escape his eyes, he fell back on the only emotion left to him. Spinning around, Cameron hit the coffee machine, shattering the glass display with his elbow.
It didn't help.
---
Cameron stood with his back to the wall outside Bryce's room, with the memory device looming at his side like a black dragon waiting to incinerate the few remaining pieces of his life. He remembered Carter's words only moments before.
Is showing your friend the truth really going to make him feel any better? she'd asked.
He wants to know I'm not going to be burdened with guilt over the fact that he died because of me.
Is the truth going to change that?
Not for me.
The truth was, Cameron had gotten over that particular piece of his own guilt years previously. What he hadn't gotten over, however, was the closeness he had felt to Bryce Ferguson, and the pain he'd been struck with when they had been separated. He knew he felt it far more strongly than he had any right to, and he knew that he had let himself believe--due in no small part to the sacrifice--that maybe, just maybe, Ferguson had felt the same.
He'd filled the memory device with some of his most brilliant moments as a member of SG-1, and some of his most bitter defeats. He included as much as he could remember from the dogfight in Antarctica. And last, he had included the few memories onto which he had held the strongest as he felt his life leeching out into the cold, unforgiving snow. Memories of the best times he and Bryce had shared as cadets, each being there time and time again to pick up the pieces of the other or bail him out of some mishap. He knew all to well that the depth of the emotion attached to these memories would be maintained in the device, and opening himself up like this to anyone... even the one person in the world who might understand... scared him shitless.
And with that realization, he threw caution into the winds and stepped through the door into the hospital room.
---
"Look, before I go, I have to say something, and I'm going to have to live with it no matter what you say or do," Cameron said, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his pounding heartbeat.
Bryce sat up slightly in his bed.
"I'm sorry.
"I'm doing what I'm doing and you're not because I acted rashly. I'm a hot-head, and you're suffering because of it." I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.
"No, you're doing what you're doing because of who you are. When you see an opportunity, you take it. The stuff you're doing now, you gotta be a little angry. You think too much, you'll just freeze up. I mean, you're going to other planets through a freaking wormhole, you have to be a ittle nuts." Bryce laid his head back against his pillow, apparently contemplating the magnitude of what he had just experienced.
"I just don't want to screw up again."
"Just be yourself, Cam, trust me." His voice grew imperceptibly quieter. "That's pretty damn good."
Cameron didn't know what to say. Looking down at the strong soldier beside him, he found it almost impossible to believe that something barely the size of a coin could be threatening his life. "Thanks," he managed.
Cameron watched as the understanding washed over the younger man's face.
"I would have done it for anyone, you know that." Bryce said. "It's part of the job."
"Yeah, it is."
Cameron looked over to the memory recorder, and watched his hand reach out to touch the 'Play' crystal as though of its own accord.
----
To Bryce Ferguson, the ten seconds it took the memories to insert themselves into his brain seemed like hours. When he finally opened his eyes, he had finished reliving Cameron's crash X-302 crash three times over. When he looked up, he finally saw the tears in the corner of his old friend's eyes for what they really meant; saw the love and admiration reflected in the light blue of the lieutenant colonel's eyes which he had never before dared to see.
Bryce sat up in his bed, never breaking eye contact.
"Oh, Cam." He could see the fear in his friend's eyes, and he could practically feel the tremor of the man's racing heart. "I never knew."
Actually, that's not strictly true... his conscience reminded him. You just didn't want to see it.
And with that realization coupled with his newly acquired memories of Teal'c, Major Bryce Ferguson knew exactly what he had to do.
With all the self-assurance he could muster, he reached out his hand, cupping it behind Cameron's neck. At the touch of his fingers on the soft flesh, Bryce could feel Cameron melting. Bryce drew him in gently, tilting his head slightly to the side and allowing their lips to meet gently. Cameron's lips parted slowly against his own, surprisingly soft and warm. He didn't know what he had expected, really, but certainly not this. Least of all, he didn't expect to find his own tongue sliding out to brush gently against Cameron's before retreating, or that when Cameron's followed in kind the kiss would deepen and grow in passion until they both found themselves locked in a tight embrace on the hospital bed, out of breath and gazing into one another's eyes as if it was the first time they'd seen each other.
Cameron was biting his lip again, obviously unsure what to do next. Bryce didn't pause long enough to allow his brain to register where this was going, knowing that if he did he'd probably chicken out and break Cam's heart even more. He reached up and slowly removed the jacket from around Cameron's broad shoulders, relishing the warmth and friction as his wrists traced down the muscuar arms. Letting the jacket slide off Cameron's back of its own accord, he allowed his hands to trace the rest of the way down to Cam's hands, quietly interlacing their fingers.
Cameron drew his right hand up, and held the back of Bryce's hand to his still-damp lips. "Ferguson..." he breathed.
And then they were kissing again, all caution thrown to the wind.
---
Everything quickly became a blur. When the room phone jingled, Bryce came to himself as if he had been slapped. He couldn't remember how his shirt had come off, or if he had been the one who removed Cameron's. His eyes met Cam's, and he knew they were both thinking the same thing: Well, shit.
Bryce watched as Cameron reached for the phone and held the reciever to his ear.
"Speaking."
Cameron's eyes never left his own, and Bryce could read the worry etched on the officer's face as the he listened. Cameron dropped the reciever heavily into its cradle.
"It's Teal'c." He said.
"Go," Bryce replied, placing a hand on Cameron's chest and giving a light push. "You can't save me, but you sure as hell had better save him."
Cameron's eyes fell. "Don't say that."
"It's true, Cam." Bryce sat up and put his hand on Cam's bare shoulder. "Get out of here."
---
As Bryce Ferguson watched Cameron disappear from his room, he fell back against his pillow. He smiled to himself and closed his eyes for the last time. As he drifted off into sleep, he couldn't help but think that he had saved Cameron Mitchell's life for a second time.
That gave him peace.
----
Cameron was sitting at the table in the briefing room. He picked up the set of metal tags from the table, and wrapped them in his hand, relishing the coolness of the steel.
"I'm sorry, sir." It was Carter. "I know how much he meant to you."
Cameron laughed skeptically. "Yeah."
Carter smiled slightly and placed her hand over his own. "I do."
Cameron looked up at her, curious. "What do you mean by that?"
Carter looked away for a second before making eye contact again.
"Your shirt's still on inside-out, Cam."
They both started laughing as the tension broke. To Cameron, it seemed like the first time he had laughed in a thousand years, and it felt wonderful.
"Oh, Sam, you never were one to miss out on the tiny details, were you?"
"No, no I wasn't. I don't think anyone else noticed, though."
"Well, that's a relief."
Cameron was silent for a few seconds, and the smile on his face began to wane.
"I didn't even really say goodbye to him."
Samantha Carter placed her hand atop his own once more and gave it a slight squeeze.
"Would it have changed anything?" she asked.
"Not for me." Comments are always appreciated!