(no subject)
Don't really know how it's going at the Brenchley. I haven't felt like I have anything much to say. Not until Friday anyway. Friday I thought maybe I do have a few things to talk about it. Wednesday I woke up feeling sad and crappy then something someone was talking about trigger off all these other feelings.
I was thinking a lot about Jo. I think about her a lot. We found out that she actually died earlier than we thought. We thought she died on 1st November but we contact the tribunal people about giving information to help in the inquest and they said that she died on or around 24th October. It was a bit of a shock. We thought the info would help them see how the people who were suppose to be helping her let her down. They told us that it hadn't happened but they got it wrong and it's already been and gone. They said we could send it to Jo's family to help them understand more but there is nothing to be achieved by that especially because there's a lot of negative stuff about her parents. It wouldn't help any of her family to read it. The verdict of the inquest is closed because it's suicide and can only be released if the coroner gives permission. I really want to know the verdict, I want to know all the details, I want to know everything. I'm like that about everything.
It also bought up a lot of feelings of guilt. Especially in relation to my last suicide attempt. I feel so guilty for what I've put the people I love through, the terrible things that I've done. The thought of my parents and Adam seeing me in ICU, intubated, all those tubes coming from everywhere. Adam finding me at home thinking I was dead. I know he couldn't come in, he couldn't see me like that. I feel guilty for all the shitty things that I have done. There is nothing that I can ever do to make up for any of it. I can't erase those images from people's minds. I can't take back the things I've done to people. I am a horrible person.
I've made some friends at Brenchley. One girl in particular, Sarah, she only lives round the corner so we give her a lift and she's given me a lift a coupla times. We had a day off last Wednesday so we went to London together and went to the Natural History Museum and rounadbout London, I had a great day. I bought this red t-shirt with a T-Rex on it that said 'Hear Me Roar' which was obviously made a big deal out of on Friday. They also made a big deal out of my Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! t-shirt the other day *rolls eyes* It's cool because we rant about the same things and the same people in the group! It also turns out that she knows Shanna, they went to school together. So I'm going to try and arrange a meet up.
I'm skiving off on Tuesday and Wednesday to go see Tori in London, which obviously far more important than anything else (which I told them heehee). Tuesday Adam, Helen and I are going. Helen and I are going to the meet and greet during the day. Helen completely forgot we were going until I texted her last week and now we've been texting each other constantly with excitement! Wednesday I'm going with Sarah. Heather and Shanna and Anna and Fran are going on that day too so we'll hopefully meet up with them and I can go home on the train with them too. I've already picked out all the merchandise I want lol. I'm really excited and nervous. I hope that I see Pip and Santa, I think they'd both be great. I think I'd like to see Clyde least. I hope she plays Siren and TMWY. Really looking forward to it.
I was thinking a lot about Jo. I think about her a lot. We found out that she actually died earlier than we thought. We thought she died on 1st November but we contact the tribunal people about giving information to help in the inquest and they said that she died on or around 24th October. It was a bit of a shock. We thought the info would help them see how the people who were suppose to be helping her let her down. They told us that it hadn't happened but they got it wrong and it's already been and gone. They said we could send it to Jo's family to help them understand more but there is nothing to be achieved by that especially because there's a lot of negative stuff about her parents. It wouldn't help any of her family to read it. The verdict of the inquest is closed because it's suicide and can only be released if the coroner gives permission. I really want to know the verdict, I want to know all the details, I want to know everything. I'm like that about everything.
It also bought up a lot of feelings of guilt. Especially in relation to my last suicide attempt. I feel so guilty for what I've put the people I love through, the terrible things that I've done. The thought of my parents and Adam seeing me in ICU, intubated, all those tubes coming from everywhere. Adam finding me at home thinking I was dead. I know he couldn't come in, he couldn't see me like that. I feel guilty for all the shitty things that I have done. There is nothing that I can ever do to make up for any of it. I can't erase those images from people's minds. I can't take back the things I've done to people. I am a horrible person.
I've made some friends at Brenchley. One girl in particular, Sarah, she only lives round the corner so we give her a lift and she's given me a lift a coupla times. We had a day off last Wednesday so we went to London together and went to the Natural History Museum and rounadbout London, I had a great day. I bought this red t-shirt with a T-Rex on it that said 'Hear Me Roar' which was obviously made a big deal out of on Friday. They also made a big deal out of my Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! t-shirt the other day *rolls eyes* It's cool because we rant about the same things and the same people in the group! It also turns out that she knows Shanna, they went to school together. So I'm going to try and arrange a meet up.
I'm skiving off on Tuesday and Wednesday to go see Tori in London, which obviously far more important than anything else (which I told them heehee). Tuesday Adam, Helen and I are going. Helen and I are going to the meet and greet during the day. Helen completely forgot we were going until I texted her last week and now we've been texting each other constantly with excitement! Wednesday I'm going with Sarah. Heather and Shanna and Anna and Fran are going on that day too so we'll hopefully meet up with them and I can go home on the train with them too. I've already picked out all the merchandise I want lol. I'm really excited and nervous. I hope that I see Pip and Santa, I think they'd both be great. I think I'd like to see Clyde least. I hope she plays Siren and TMWY. Really looking forward to it.