sleep at last?

[ether_ryath]

well it all comes down to this doesnt it? a person whom you love so much an don't want to let go hurts u. is this not a truth in the universe? those whom you cherish the most and love so much, is always the person who can hurt you the most. after last night coming home from the fabulous party the previous journal entry happened. this morning we

Comments

my journal entry

[obsidianlashes]

i do not wish to justify what happened last night. however, everything else that i told u abotu him and i was in confidence because i prefer to tell u everyhitng thats going on. you do not know the situations in which every word was said and how it came about. i can judge people pretty damn well. i know a scheming son of a bitch when i see one. as much as you may hate him, he is not that person. this whole wanting to beat the shit outta him thing really bothers me. i mean its natural to want to and to thinka botu it, ive doen that b4, but u sound like ud actually do it. that makes me very very scared-of you and of what you hide form me. it means that you, the guy im dating, might not really be yourself aorund me. the jon i know could be nothing close to who you really are and that scares me. i choose to be friends with him because i do know him and hes cool. yes, we both fucked up yesterday. WE both fucked up yesterday and you only contradict yourself by saying you wanna be with me and you wanna beat the shit outta him. do me a favor, a free hit on the house everyone gets right? if this is mine, why cant it be his too. im not asking you to be buddy buddy but leave well enough alone. dont think about beating the shit out of soemone i still call friend. now i am not defending because i care so much abou mars or anything like that, its just damn. so thats my request.

as far as your request for me to never mention i am unlike other girls youve dated, well if i am so unlike them then why are you still going out with me? i wanted to break it off just because i am so very afraid of hurting you again. i never wanted to stray liek that. i wont say i couldnt help it but i oculdnt stop certain thoughts and shit. i will however, do as you request for now. maybe ill prove myself better once again. if you can find it within yourself to do as i requested above, i will be so much more at ease. you dotn understand how much it scares me that you woudl do that. and in order to even things out a bit, ill do any other request that you may have another of me thats obviosuly within reason, and i do beleive mine to be within reason.

you know whats weird? you believe youself to be a stepping stone in other peoples lives. heh i do too. everytimei make someone realize soemhting or do soemhting better for their lives shit happens. for example, i made eric more human by makign him learn compassion (Acoording to him). i made adrian into the person he wanted ot be in essence, once again according to him. i did many htings for tony. but as for you, anything i ever did for you would mean nothing if we broke up. none of it would last and meeting me woud have probably been a major regret in your life. my mind can not erase things and i reall ywould never want to. regardless of every relationship friend and otherwise that didnt work out, it teaches me soemhting and it was fun while it lasted. whether what i learn is to trust less and be waery or that there are good people in this world, i still learned soemhting. i dont know whats going to happen and how our relationship will be affected. obviosuly everytime i say im at chessmasters, a group which i love dearly, youll cringe. i hope this to not be the case but thats soemhtign i cant help. i guaruntee that this will never happen again. if we break up it will not be because i cheated on you.

i wonder if this will end ok. i wonder what we will be like when we see eachother tomorrow. i will always be honest, regardless of what hatred it might incite and regardless of how stupid peopel tell me i am for it. i cant not be truthful. i leave you this rather long entry for now and hopefully we will talk or rather type later on when u get online. for i have more to say. but i dont really wish all your friends to knwo every damn thing about me and this situation because thats make sme really uncomfortable. not that they give a shit but w/e.

love shannon