i can smell the spring air and i can hear the frogs chirping like the end of aqueous transmission
finally, i'm back.
an update!
i know you've all been waiting for this moment.
i haven't updated since i was in chicago last month.
oops!
um, i actually don't know what there is to write about in here...
a ridiculous amount of stuff has happened,
but it is definitely impossible to update about it all.
i'll just start writing.
let's start with school.
one more week, then we are in the fourth quarter.
fourth quarter of my senior year.
i can't believe it.
it scares me so much.
and i hate that i have hated my senior year so much.
i wish that we had this awesome class and we all got along and had spirit.
i wish i actually hung out with seniors.
krist and i are still friends obviously but we see eachother rarely because she's got jar, and i've got caleb and we're both just busy.
emily and i have been in a rough spot lately.
we were very very close, but lately, we've fallen apart and it just isn't right or the same lately.
andrew and i had such a rough time earlier this year.
yes it sucks because i miss being so close with him. last year and over the summer he was my best friend.
we did so much and had so much fun.
as much as i miss it though,
i don't regret it.
things change. people change.
we are getting closer again now.
but we're both busy and dating other people,
so it is inevitable that we just won't be as close as we were before.
other than those three people who were my close "senior friends," there really isn't anyone else.
i am "friends" with other people but not close.
i suppose my hope for a tight nit class is far too idealistic.
i've given up lately too.
which maybe is good....?
in an awful sort of way.
it will make college much easier.
i think that might even be a subconscience type of thing, maybe it is me too.
i probably am pushing people away because that's what i do...
and i know i am leaving sooner than soon.
as far as relationships go though,
i do have caleb.
and things are better than ever, not like they were ever bad.
it is everything i have ever wanted in a relationsip.
(side note: this is going to be an awfully long entry, so you might as well quit reading now)
kflngld. then there is college.
everyone talks about it
and how they are excited
and they can't wait
yada yada yada.
i can't believe it.
i'm not ready.
it hasn't really HIT me....
in FIVE months, i will be gone.
i will be living with some stranger in a tiny little dorm in an unfamiliar area that is a part of a campus (which one has yet to be decided...) that i will be a part of.
unreal.
surreal.
i JUST turned 17.
i still feel like i'm 12.
i'm torn, and it is this unexplicable thing.
i'm so ready, but at the same time, not at all.
and i have yet to decide where i am going to go.
everyone has been hearing back from their colleges this week.
i bet cornell is on its way.
ahhh.
i am so nervous for the day that it comes...
not even because of finding out whether or not i get it,
its more because once its here,
i won't have any excuses about putting off making my decison.
now i can tell people that i am waiting to hear from all my colleges so that i can know where my options lie.
once cornell is here, i will know.
and i will have minimal time to make the decision.
its so frustrating because i don't know.
i don't have any idea to tell you the truth.
i AM glad that i have very little here that is holding me back.
not even my family matters that much to me.
i'm cold. i have no emotions, and i just don't care.
the bad thing is that i DO have that attachment to chicago.
i know that going to valpo would by far be the safest choice for me to make.
without a doubt.
i almost feel like i would be letting people down though if i didn't go back there.
martha, janet, judy....
i DO want to be with them, of course
but... i am afraid that making the safe and comfortable choice might not be the best choice.
i hate this.
lately though, i have had this good feeling about delaware valley.
they want me to play volleyball.
they have a great animal science program,
and an equestrian team.
and they offered me a $44,000 scholarship over 4 years.
also, surprisingly, university of Vermont has made me feel good too.
they have some of the same pros as DelVal, but i wouldn't be able to play volleybal, and it would cost much more.
i'm going to visit soon
and hopefully i can make the choice by then.
i pray that delaware valley will just feel right.
i hope so.
i really do.
it's the mose unattached of all my choices.
i am so awful....
i want to update about what i've done over break... but i think i will save it for later.
1. i don't think i can remember it all now
2. i am babysitting and i think they are going to be home soon.
don't look behind you.
rachel.
an update!
i know you've all been waiting for this moment.
i haven't updated since i was in chicago last month.
oops!
um, i actually don't know what there is to write about in here...
a ridiculous amount of stuff has happened,
but it is definitely impossible to update about it all.
i'll just start writing.
let's start with school.
one more week, then we are in the fourth quarter.
fourth quarter of my senior year.
i can't believe it.
it scares me so much.
and i hate that i have hated my senior year so much.
i wish that we had this awesome class and we all got along and had spirit.
i wish i actually hung out with seniors.
krist and i are still friends obviously but we see eachother rarely because she's got jar, and i've got caleb and we're both just busy.
emily and i have been in a rough spot lately.
we were very very close, but lately, we've fallen apart and it just isn't right or the same lately.
andrew and i had such a rough time earlier this year.
yes it sucks because i miss being so close with him. last year and over the summer he was my best friend.
we did so much and had so much fun.
as much as i miss it though,
i don't regret it.
things change. people change.
we are getting closer again now.
but we're both busy and dating other people,
so it is inevitable that we just won't be as close as we were before.
other than those three people who were my close "senior friends," there really isn't anyone else.
i am "friends" with other people but not close.
i suppose my hope for a tight nit class is far too idealistic.
i've given up lately too.
which maybe is good....?
in an awful sort of way.
it will make college much easier.
i think that might even be a subconscience type of thing, maybe it is me too.
i probably am pushing people away because that's what i do...
and i know i am leaving sooner than soon.
as far as relationships go though,
i do have caleb.
and things are better than ever, not like they were ever bad.
it is everything i have ever wanted in a relationsip.
(side note: this is going to be an awfully long entry, so you might as well quit reading now)
kflngld. then there is college.
everyone talks about it
and how they are excited
and they can't wait
yada yada yada.
i can't believe it.
i'm not ready.
it hasn't really HIT me....
in FIVE months, i will be gone.
i will be living with some stranger in a tiny little dorm in an unfamiliar area that is a part of a campus (which one has yet to be decided...) that i will be a part of.
unreal.
surreal.
i JUST turned 17.
i still feel like i'm 12.
i'm torn, and it is this unexplicable thing.
i'm so ready, but at the same time, not at all.
and i have yet to decide where i am going to go.
everyone has been hearing back from their colleges this week.
i bet cornell is on its way.
ahhh.
i am so nervous for the day that it comes...
not even because of finding out whether or not i get it,
its more because once its here,
i won't have any excuses about putting off making my decison.
now i can tell people that i am waiting to hear from all my colleges so that i can know where my options lie.
once cornell is here, i will know.
and i will have minimal time to make the decision.
its so frustrating because i don't know.
i don't have any idea to tell you the truth.
i AM glad that i have very little here that is holding me back.
not even my family matters that much to me.
i'm cold. i have no emotions, and i just don't care.
the bad thing is that i DO have that attachment to chicago.
i know that going to valpo would by far be the safest choice for me to make.
without a doubt.
i almost feel like i would be letting people down though if i didn't go back there.
martha, janet, judy....
i DO want to be with them, of course
but... i am afraid that making the safe and comfortable choice might not be the best choice.
i hate this.
lately though, i have had this good feeling about delaware valley.
they want me to play volleyball.
they have a great animal science program,
and an equestrian team.
and they offered me a $44,000 scholarship over 4 years.
also, surprisingly, university of Vermont has made me feel good too.
they have some of the same pros as DelVal, but i wouldn't be able to play volleybal, and it would cost much more.
i'm going to visit soon
and hopefully i can make the choice by then.
i pray that delaware valley will just feel right.
i hope so.
i really do.
it's the mose unattached of all my choices.
i am so awful....
i want to update about what i've done over break... but i think i will save it for later.
1. i don't think i can remember it all now
2. i am babysitting and i think they are going to be home soon.
don't look behind you.
rachel.