so the cats out of the bag
today at work everything was going fine i was working along and i realized that i had a 1 on 1 with my boss Nancy. Now this didn't seem like a big deal to me until Tracy the guy who sits next to me was kind of winking at me and talking about my 1 on 1... i realized the truth almost at once and when the time came for the meeting it came out... "Ethan how do you like your job... does it feel like a good fit.. do you like what you are doing.. you fit in really well with the team... as you know we have four openings on the team... and there are 4 of you temps right now... so do you think that this is something you would be interested in doing full time?" I knew what i had to do and I had been planning for it so I launched into the speech i had thought about so many times over in my head... i told her i was thinking about moving to Manchester to live with my uncle because of problems between my parents and the split up they are going through.. as i started talking i realized i couldn't stop and i just kept going i told her about kiki and about the parties and how i felt like the parent... how my mom used me kind of to replace my dad and and how i felt soo much pressure from being in the middle of their divorce.. also how i didn't want to live with my mom because of her rediculous obsession with knowing every aspect of kiki's life and sort of living through kiki... giving her everything.. how i had to move out and get away... that uncle mike had offered me a room rent free until i could get on my feet... that i had thought about living with my dad and that he was crazy and how when i was growing up he would search my room and "clean it" aka go through everything and every nook looking for who knows what... that i had no privacy and was didn't feel comfortable living with my dad... that going home to my mom's was a disaster area and i was constantly miserable and depressed... and how the whole thing with chris really came at the worst time because i don't have him to talk to and help me cope with all the shit I'm dealing with... how my whole family is against me for wanting a little space of my own and wanting to be independant.. mama kj's spending problems and dependecy on my to be around and work on the house and move shit and do things... how the only interaction i had with her was fighting because i want her to start acting like a parent instead of kiki's best friend... she listended to me speech on and gave me advice she was very understanding she even went so far as to say that if i left for a couple months and came back and there was still an opening she would hire me still.. I really almost started crying i was breaking down in front of my boss.. it was kind of sad... i didn't actually realize how much i need this move and how much shit i need to get away from... I didn't even scratch the surface on the whole utah and mama kj straight pushing me to go there and telling me almost point blank that i had to live out there for a year and try it before i came home.. I talked to her about how my dad and i never really had any relationship and we aren't close and it was pretty intense.. my 1 on 1 was an hour and fifteen minutes of me laying out my life to Nancy... Its not even that its all so awful and that I'm so damaged i have just outgrown it... I realize that I'm probably the least loved child by my mom and that my dad tries to like me best just because I'm the boy... he doesn't actually care about what i have to say and neither does my mom.. but I almost prefer it that way i just need to get away from them... I would prefer a simple life with less stress and less people pretending to listen to me... to be quite honest i would be happier talking to myself then somebody who really doesn't care to listen.. So Nancy said that i should think it over and sit down adn give it time but to come to her and tell her what i decide either way... well things are set in motion and i still have time to get a job before i make the move... things couldn't have worked out better but it really put me in a down mood to bring it all up... I'm not much of a talk about things kind of guy.. maybe to chris... and I don't mind typing or writing about it.. but just talking about things kind of brings me down... when its all laid it out it doesn't seem to me like something i should be upset about... its not that bad... is it? am i just blowing things out of proportion in my mind? in the words of davy " You are 20 years old and over it .. its just time to move on"