*sigh*
So . Really quick. I hate my sister. She steals my shit and then gets mom and dad mad at me when I try to get it back.
I'm sad. Michael isn't on. I just...lately I feel needy (as those who read my religion-centric post can see). And no one is here for me. Like, I know my friends are, we talk, and it's not like Michael is not here for me...he's just...not here for me. Because he doesn't know how much I feel for him. How even when I'm over 400 miles away, touring one of the most gorgeous campuses in the world, planning out my damn future, I'm thinking about him, wishing he was there with me, not just to hold my hand, but to tell me what he thinks about it, what he likes or dislikes. It's...gah...I don't even know the words for it. It's not like anything I've felt before...love...worry...frustration...anger...hope....helplessness...all at once, and so much more. When we're together...it's not even like 'I'm happy we're dating'...because we're not. Still not. But...I'm indescribably happy. Regardless of if he's talking to me, or someone else, or even sitting a room away from me bent to the task of a math test...I. Am. Just. Happy. I smile and don't know why. I feel like I'm floating, like I could dance on the air if I tried. Like anything, ANYTHING, is possible.
But in that way...when we're apart. Oh God above...It starts barely noticeable. I'll wonder what he's up to now and then. Then I start thinking 'Boy, this'd be cool for him too. I bet he'd enjoy this.'...And then...I don't know. I don't spiral into depression, far from it. Slowly but surely though...I start feeling...distant. Like I'm not all 'there'. I can focus, but in a sort of tunnel-vision way. I suspect if someone looked me in the eye, I'd seem 'glazed' at best. And I saw him yesterday. But...not really. Okay, really. More than usual. But Thursday I didn't. And Today I didn't. And tomorrow I won't. I know I won't, he'll be out of town. Monday we have off, I'd have loved to ask him out. BUT. He's spending Sunday night and half of Monday at Carnegie Mellon. AND. I'm doing college visits Monday. Luckily one is at CM, so maybe...probably not though. And I'll miss him.
Today I gave in and broke a rule I'd set for myself. You don't kneed to know what, it's not important beyond knowing that right now I'm really, really disappointed in me.
Now I'm breathing. Breathing in. Out. Deep. Calm. I feel better. I am imperfect, and I realize this. This moment is to rejoice in, not complain. I shall not complain, I shall not complain...
My real post: Friday I visited Bethany College. For Science Day. Ah, one moment. Sneezed. Need a tissue. There we go. Anywho, I met Michael at my locker. Yes, mine. He went to his, dropped his things off, then came back to meet me at mine. He asked how Notre Dame was. I said it was very good, and so on. Then I had to run upstairs to drop a paper off, and I told him I'd be back, and so he didn't follow (I implied I'd meet him later, etc.). Dropped it off, ran back, indeed met him with Eddie and Kent and Greg at the place we waited for the bus at. I like to think Michael made sure to include me in the conversation. Mmm. There were two buses. We chose the front one. Again, I'd like to think he answered with the sense of 'He and I' when he said 'I guess 'we're going on this one', more than 'he and his friends', and so on...
Tangent: There is a bottle of grape cider under my bed. I want it.
I did not get to sit with him on the way there. I did get to sit right in front of him. I faced him most of the ride (yes, I sat backwards), but when I didn't I took odd delight in that I could feel him shifting in the seat behind. To explain: Michael is 5'11". He is tall. He has long legs. His knees bump into the seat in front of his when he sits normally, and he was tapping his foot. Like a nice massage for me. Yes. I am pathetic. I know. He was sitting with Eddie. Eddie fell asleep. He fell over onto Michael at one point, we all giggled and then Michael sort of...nudged him back away. Alas, we hit a pothole and -thud!- into the window. No one was hurt, nothing was broken, but we cracked up (except Eddie, he just woke up and was like 'ow' then fell asleep again.). This time Michael and I debated on drawing on Eddie's head (he's bald by choice). Michael said we should, but then had me do it. I wonder if I gained points for being funny (even Eddie loved it when he found out), or lost them for being...well sort of...mean? Not mean...but...I'm not sure. We laughed more when Eddie slid forward in his seat. He was so hard against the window his face went 'squeeee' on the glass.
Got there. Got off the bus. We sat together through opening welcome thing (we both ate banana bread too). Then he had to leave. I = psychology. Him = physics. The tour itself and lectures were lame. I don't want to go to Bethany. We met up again for the promotional part, and he and I tried to find seats for we two and all our friends. When that didn't work, he asked if I wanted to just sit with him. I'd like to think it was because he liked me, or knew it'd make me happy, and not just because everyone else wandered off. Then we went to lunch. We laughed over how he loves steamed carrots, and I hate them. And we both got pizza. Nummy. We ate together, because Eddie/Kent/Greg were mean and got a 3-person table. Ah well. We chattered about games and anime and stuff. Then we walked back to the bus together, and we were first on, and thus in the back. He sat down, then noticed Eddie and them weren't coming as far back. He just sort of blinked so I asked if he'd mind if I sat with him. He said he'd not mind, and I did. We chatted more on the way back, mainly about not wanting to go to Bethany. Then he got really quiet. I thought I'd said something wrong...I was worried, so I looked over...He was asleep! Sitting straight up, looking ahead but with his eyes closed. I couldn't help but giggle, and I guess he heard me. He woke up, sort of smiled sheepishly, and then explained being in any moving vehicle made him sleepy. I agreed (mom used the 'drive around until baby falls asleep' method), and we kept on. The rest of the way he kept nodding off, then waking up, smiling at me, starting to talk, and then nodding off again. I loved it! Study hall together next when we got back, just kinda hung out. I watched him do a sudoku. Then other classes, and I saw him last at his locker. I can't remember, but I think I ended it poorly, said something that didn't make sense or was a little off-kilter. I don't know. It wasn't horrid though.
I miss him now.