learning about me.
Lately ive been thinking and thinking...basically ive been thinking about me... in the not so normal selfish way i useally do.
WHO AM I?
the obvouis answers are a mother, sister, daughter. I am now (or hopefully soon) ex wife.
I think thats what brought alot of these thoughts on...i mean seriously for 3 years of my life thats what i was a wife...sorta..i dont know. I left nate cause of the stress in all honesty i knew it wouldnt work out everyone did even us but we did it anyway. then i dated darwin BIG REBOUND AND MISTAKE (asshole). Now ive been single for a year...weird...i mean i went out on dates but no one i would call a boyfriend and useally i kinda sent them to the curb before they were ready to go. weird for me....
I dont even know my fave food, i dont know my fave color, and i dont even know who my real friends are anymore...i have been holding on to relationships all my life. even tho there is nothing there i keep talking to them....and the people i want something to be there they are to busy with there own lives to notice me...im not just talking about men. im talking about girls too...but in the last litte while i have gotten rid of some relationships i knew where holding me back...i told them to leave and i erased there numbers, blocked them on line did whatever i had too just to make sure they werent around anymore. Maybe i am a bitch...maybe im just stupid. who knows. I just wanna know who i am and where do i go from here...
Ive been working at Co-op for at least 3 months and they keep telling me that i might not pass my probation...why cause im to slow i dont feel im going any slower then anyone else there eccept that ive only been in the Deli for a month so i dont exsactly know what to do...(before i was in the bakery) and even then i didnt feel i was going slower then anyone else. But they way they talk to me lately makes me feel very very stupid. They make me feel like i cant do anything right and everything i do has to be redone (which it doesnt they just make me feel that way) I keep feeling like i wanna walk out of that job and go to a new one again...but i dont want to because Co-op isnt that bad of a company to work for i mean they do great things for the family and stuff...
at the end of this month i have to move out of my apartment there renovating and i have no place to go...there are no apartments out there...its so stupid...well i shouldnt say there there are some great apartments out there but my parents wont let me move there cause its either to far away or in a "bad" neighborhood...i wish i was dead. i just wanna stop i dont wanna do anything for a while i dont wanna think i dont wanna cry...thats another thing i notice im crying alot more...not just when im sad but i cry when somthings sappy too...I have no one to talk to about anything...i use to talk to Rob about everything but i cant do it anymore because he doesnt want to listen...i'll explain...I was friends with this girl...she was pregnant and she was friends with this guy well we all worked at the mall he and her use to go for smokes together...well on her last couple of days before she quit she had to goto the hospital nothing serious but she did. anyway i ended up opening the store for her and this guy came in to have a smoke with her...he saw me (we dont get along) and asked where she was i said she couldnt come in today...all i said. nothing more...but anyway her and i didnt the next couple of weeks...then suddenly i come home from work one day and i get this freaked out message so i figured omg something happened to the baby..well turns out this guy saw her and said so i hear you lost the baby...she asks how did you find out he says me...im like i didnt even know you lost the baby shes like well i only told two people and you werent one of them so i told her ok if im not one of them then why would i say this????? basically he took me saying she couldnt come in that day assumed it meant something else and told her i said something i didnt.....back to my rob story well basically he just turned around and said thats what you get when you hang out with people...it drives me crazy he hangs out with his friend dale and his kids but wont hang out with me and orion every time i mention i have orion he's like oh really ummm maybe next time (if your thinking we sleep together we dont eww...) but its those little tings that bother me why does he do that...
anyway...i intend on finding out stuff about myself in the next little while so i'll keep you updated.
WHO AM I?
the obvouis answers are a mother, sister, daughter. I am now (or hopefully soon) ex wife.
I think thats what brought alot of these thoughts on...i mean seriously for 3 years of my life thats what i was a wife...sorta..i dont know. I left nate cause of the stress in all honesty i knew it wouldnt work out everyone did even us but we did it anyway. then i dated darwin BIG REBOUND AND MISTAKE (asshole). Now ive been single for a year...weird...i mean i went out on dates but no one i would call a boyfriend and useally i kinda sent them to the curb before they were ready to go. weird for me....
I dont even know my fave food, i dont know my fave color, and i dont even know who my real friends are anymore...i have been holding on to relationships all my life. even tho there is nothing there i keep talking to them....and the people i want something to be there they are to busy with there own lives to notice me...im not just talking about men. im talking about girls too...but in the last litte while i have gotten rid of some relationships i knew where holding me back...i told them to leave and i erased there numbers, blocked them on line did whatever i had too just to make sure they werent around anymore. Maybe i am a bitch...maybe im just stupid. who knows. I just wanna know who i am and where do i go from here...
Ive been working at Co-op for at least 3 months and they keep telling me that i might not pass my probation...why cause im to slow i dont feel im going any slower then anyone else there eccept that ive only been in the Deli for a month so i dont exsactly know what to do...(before i was in the bakery) and even then i didnt feel i was going slower then anyone else. But they way they talk to me lately makes me feel very very stupid. They make me feel like i cant do anything right and everything i do has to be redone (which it doesnt they just make me feel that way) I keep feeling like i wanna walk out of that job and go to a new one again...but i dont want to because Co-op isnt that bad of a company to work for i mean they do great things for the family and stuff...
at the end of this month i have to move out of my apartment there renovating and i have no place to go...there are no apartments out there...its so stupid...well i shouldnt say there there are some great apartments out there but my parents wont let me move there cause its either to far away or in a "bad" neighborhood...i wish i was dead. i just wanna stop i dont wanna do anything for a while i dont wanna think i dont wanna cry...thats another thing i notice im crying alot more...not just when im sad but i cry when somthings sappy too...I have no one to talk to about anything...i use to talk to Rob about everything but i cant do it anymore because he doesnt want to listen...i'll explain...I was friends with this girl...she was pregnant and she was friends with this guy well we all worked at the mall he and her use to go for smokes together...well on her last couple of days before she quit she had to goto the hospital nothing serious but she did. anyway i ended up opening the store for her and this guy came in to have a smoke with her...he saw me (we dont get along) and asked where she was i said she couldnt come in today...all i said. nothing more...but anyway her and i didnt the next couple of weeks...then suddenly i come home from work one day and i get this freaked out message so i figured omg something happened to the baby..well turns out this guy saw her and said so i hear you lost the baby...she asks how did you find out he says me...im like i didnt even know you lost the baby shes like well i only told two people and you werent one of them so i told her ok if im not one of them then why would i say this????? basically he took me saying she couldnt come in that day assumed it meant something else and told her i said something i didnt.....back to my rob story well basically he just turned around and said thats what you get when you hang out with people...it drives me crazy he hangs out with his friend dale and his kids but wont hang out with me and orion every time i mention i have orion he's like oh really ummm maybe next time (if your thinking we sleep together we dont eww...) but its those little tings that bother me why does he do that...
anyway...i intend on finding out stuff about myself in the next little while so i'll keep you updated.