Remote [Chapter 3 -- Guilt]
Title: Remote [3/?]
Chapter: Guilt
Fandom: Twilight
Author: not_from_stars
Character: Cullens, The Pack, A few extras
Word Count: 3,000
Summary: Five years after Edward lied to Bella and the Cullens left Forks, it's gotten to be too much to be away from the girl they all loved. They come back for Bella, only to find that nothing is as it should be -- and that Bella is not who she used to be.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: AU from New Moon. Bella never jumped off the cliff, and Alice never got a vision of her "death" so Edward never went to Volterra.
Author's Note: The image for this fic was created for me by catsimmie.
Edward was sitting in his room with his head in his hands.
He had been sitting like this since he had managed to escape to his room after the family fight that had lasted for what seemed like forever. It wasn't that he was surprised by the family being upset about his actions -- it was the depth of their emotions about the whole thing. Even Esme -- usually the most peaceful and supportive of him in their family -- was angry and saddened over the news they had received about Bella.
Time didn't have the same meaning to them as it did for humans and to know that one of her daughters -- for he now realized that Esme had felt that way all along about Bella -- had gone through so much pain for what amounted to a long time for a human had her very upset. Hearing about her condition had caused his mother to avoid him as she dealt with her feelings and emotions about what had happened in the best way she knew how.
To be honest, all three of the women in the family had taken to avoiding him since they got back from Bella's house. He couldn't find it within himself to blame them because he knew he deserved it. He deserved a lot more than just them avoiding him.
Alice, he had expected her to be angry at him because Bella had been her best friend aand it devastated her that she was in such a condition. She wouldn't come near him, and when she wasn't shouting insults and threats at him in her mind, she was thinking of annoying things in order to block him out. Alice's anger had never been directed at him in the entire time they had known each other, and his pixie-like sister was intimidating in her rage.
Esme spent a great deal of time in her office or with Carlisle right now -- her husband being the only one that could soothe and comfort her at this time. The fact that he had hurt his mother so badly with his lies was eating at him. The last thing he had ever wanted to do was hurt her, but he should have realized that his actions five years ago would have consequences.
He should have realized a great many things.
It was Rosalie's anger and reaction to everything that surprised him the most. He had never been aware of his gorgeous blond sister ever having a single kind thought about Bella. It had been a shock for him to discover how much Rosalie had cared about Bella and how she had wanted to protect the girl from them and the danger of their world. Jasper had willingly admitted that the emotions he had picked up from Rosalie in the past when it came to the human girl had been of worry and concern. Any anger he had felt around Rosalie hadn't been directed at Bella -- but at him and the rest of the family. She hadn't been worried about the danger Bella had posed to their family and their way of life. She had been concerned about the danger they presented to Bella. Rosalie had been willing to do anything to protect the girl, even going so far as to making Bella think she hated her to push her away. She made the sacrifice in the beginning that he hadn't been strong enough to make. Rosalie had buried all of her maternal instincts that Bella brought out in her in an effort to push her away and keep her safe from them.
Too bad her personal sacrifices had all been for nothing.
Edward groaned as he lifted his head from his hands, and then let it fall back against the wall behind him with a soft thump.
None of this was anything he had expected to happen when he made his decision all of those years ago. He had been more than willing to sacrifice his heart and happiness -- and that of his family -- for what was supposed to be the guarantee of Bella's safety and future happiness. His leaving -- their leaving -- was supposed to mean that the girl he loved more than his own existence would be free to live a safer, happier life. It was never supposed to cause things to be made worse for her. That was the last thing he had wanted.
For all of his hard decisions and careful planning, none of that had happened the way that he had expected it to -- had wanted it to. At the time, it had seemed like the best way to take care of her; the best way to protect Bella and keep her safe. It was meant to be a completely clean break for her. It was meant to give her peace.
He had been so careful and so very thorough in all of his planning and in all of his actions on that last night. While she was downstairs making dinner for herself and Charlie, he climbed into her window and gathered up everything that could be even remotely connected to him or his family. He removed all of the pictures of them from her album and the presents she had received from him and his family for her birthday. When he was sure he had retrieved everything possible, he had hidden them away from her. He was determined to make sure to erase every evidence of him from her life and make it like he had never existed. He owed her that. He owed her peace of mind and a new start after all of the danger he had brought into her life.
When all of this was taken care of, he left her house for awhile. He had some packing of his own to do while he went over in his mind how to say goodbye to her. He knew that his story had to sound truthful and it also had to be harsh to keep her from arguing with him or from trying to hold onto him. She would, he knew. She loved him as much as he loved her, and she would use every argument her mind could come up with in order to change his mind because she wanted to be with him no matter the risks to her life. She loved him and wanted to be with him forever. Had she not more than once made it clear where her desires lay?
What Bella wanted wasn't always what was good for her.
She wouldn't see reason or logic when it came to him, so he had to force her to. To save her, to protect her from the dangers he brought into her life by loving her, he had to do it. In his mind at the time, there was no other way for him to protect her.
A clean severing of everything between them -- no matter how cruel it seemed to be -- was what had needed to happen. No matter how much this destroyed him, he had to do it. For Bella, he had to do this. He loved her enough and wanted her to live a long and happy life. He had willingly sacrificed his happiness for her safety, and had hurt his own family in the process of all of this.
And that worked so well, didn't it, Edward? He winced, not at all surprised that the voice of his conscience sounded a lot like a combination of Alice and Rosalie. It was just one more painful reminder that he had failed the love of his life in the worst possible way.
Not that he really needed any additional reminders. His own memory was doing a very good job of pointing all of his faults out to him.
After everything at his place was taken care of, he returned to Bella's house and asked her to walk with him. She knew something was wrong, and he could see in her eyes that she was gearing up to counter anything he said with a list of reasons not to do anything of her own. It shouldn't have surprised him that she was ready for an argument as he hadn't exactly been himself since the night that Jasper lost control. Steeling himself against anything she might say, he took her for a walk in the woods. They didn't go far, he wanted her to be able to find her way back to her house after this -- and he was well aware of how easily she could get lost or hurt even in her own home. He stopped after they had walked for a few moments, turning to look into her face -- and that was when he did the hardest thing that he had ever done. That was when he broke Bella's heart.
Edward closed his eyes with a groan, but he could still see everything from that night perfectly clearly in his mind. Everything he had said to her had been carefully constructed lies and they still haunted him. It had been difficult to say those things to her and watch her face as he did. It had torn him apart to say all of those things to her, but he had honestly thought it was the only way to keep her safe. He watched her eyes fill with pain and shock and he could see that she was believing every word that he was saying to her.
"You don't want me?"
"No."
At the time, he didn't know what had hurt him the most; the fact that he was breaking her heart like he was, or the fact that she was believing everything he said without question. It was still a question that he warred with in his mind even now.
How could she have ever believed so easily that he no longer loved her? Hadn't he made sure repeatedly that he told her and showed her how much he loved her? How was it possible for her to believe that he stopped loving her when she was his very reason for living after he met her?
But she had believed him. She had believed every word and at the time he had been so focused on giving her a clean break from him that he hadn't stopped to think about what the ramifications would be -- and he should have. He knew Bella better than anyone and knew how she deeply she felt things when they were important to her. Even so, he hadn't expected any of this. he hadn't expected that they would come back to Forks and find her in such a state -- or that she would be living with the wolves from La Push.
His Bella wounded so deeply that she was being cared for by dogs.
Wounded by him and the mess he had left behind five years ago.
His mind went over the things that Billy had said to them once again.
Except for saying that he and his family had left, Bella hadn't spoken since the last time he spoke with her -- when he broke her heart. It wasn't bad enough that he had broken her heart, but he was also responsible for Charlie being killed.
If there was anyone in Bella's life that was more important to her than anything, it had been her father. For as long as he had known her, any time something had happened, her first worry had been for Charlie's happiness and well-being. When she was in danger from James, the only reason she had run away to Phoenix was to make sure that James chased her and left her father alone and safe. Her father's safety was always one of Bella's driving factors and the fact that she lost him because of him burned.
Edward opened his eyes and stared at the wall across from where he sat. After they killed James, they should have hunted Victoria down and destroyed her as well. They should have made sure every threat to Bella was removed before they had left Forks.
Should have.
Would have.
Could have.
Those thoughts kept chasing themselves around in his head. No matter how much he tried to move his thoughts away from those recriminations, his mind came right back to them.
We never should have left her! Alice had screamed at him. We never should have listened to you. We could have stayed and protected her from all of this.
She deserved better than a lie, Rosalie had snarled, held back from physically assaulting him only because Emmett had his arms around her waist and lifted her off her feet when she had tried to lunge at him. After all she did because she was trying to protect us -- she deserved better than what you did.
How could he argue with them? His sisters were right and he had messed things up on a grand scale.
If he was honest -- and he really didn't have the freedom not to be any longer -- it was the disappointment of Esme and Carlisle that was hardest to bear from his family. Their disappointment in what he had done to Bella and had caused to happen was crushing him. No amount of apologizing was going to fix this with his family -- and he knew that it caused his father pain that the wolves weren't about to let him near Bella. If any one in this world had a chance in helping Bella, it was Carlisle, but because of his actions, Billy Black and Sam Uley weren't about to let any Cullen near her right now. Because of him they wouldn't let the one person who could help her get a chance to do so.
He took an unnecessary breath and let it out again.
He had to see her.
No matter what had happened -- what he had done -- he had to see Bella for himself. He needed to see her. Five years hadn't caused the ache for her to fade away, and now that he knew that she was ill and it was all his fault, he needed to make it up to her. He had been wrong and he realized that now. He had been just as much of a part of her as she was of him and trying to sever that connection hadn't done either one of them any good -- no matter how good his intentions had been. She needed him just as much as he needed her. He had walked away from her because he wanted to protect her and it didn't matter to him how much he loved her. Her safety had been more important than any of that. However, his leaving hadn't done anything good for her and she was now hurt and broken and she needed him to help her.
Edward got to his feet, planning things out in his head as he moved around his room.
Years before, he had climbed into Bella's bedroom to watch her sleep and to be with her every night. He could do that once again. He would see her and decide what his plans needed to be to help her heal -- and get away from those wolves. It couldn't do her any good to be surrounded by wolves on a daily basis. It was only some stroke of luck that had kept her safe from one of them losing control on her all of this time.
He'd go to see her -- and he'd figure out a way to get her out of their grasp and bring her home where Carlisle could take care of her.
He ran a hand through his hair and as that decision became firm in his mind, the door to his bedroom flew open to bounce against the wall. Frowning, he met the furious gazes of Rosalie and Alice. It was obvious that Alice had seen what he planned to do and Rosalie had been told. They both came in his room and Rosalie shut the door behind them -- not that it would keep any of the rest of the family from hearing the three of them if they were listening.
Edward let out a sigh as he watched Alice struggling to get her anger at him under control enough to speak.
"You idiot," Alice hissed. "You're not going there alone. I can't see them and we wouldn't know if you were in trouble or not. You can't go somewhere that I'll be blind to your danger."
"I have to see her for myself, Alice," Edward said, trying to keep his voice calm. "I have to know for sure what kind of shape she's in so that we can fix what's wrong." His shoulders slumped. "I did this to her and now I have to find a way to make it right."
"How do you expect to even get near her?" Rosalie demanded. "Those damned dogs will smell you before you get within a mile of her and you know that you just can't go up and knock on the damn door again. We saw how well that went over."
"She needs to see Carlisle," Edward said quietly. "We need to get her where he can examine her. He's the one with the best chance of helping her!"
"They're not going to let that happen, Edward," Rosalie said with anger in her voice. "You made sure of that."
"So we don't ask them first," Edward responded as a new idea occurred to him about how he could help Bella.
Alice stared at him and her eyes widened as the vision solidified in her mind. "Edward Masen Cullen have you lost what little mind you have left?! You are not kidnapping Bella!"