In or Out?
What. Am I doing? Is it worth it to hold onto this? For what? Are we really gonna keep doing this distance thing for four freaking years. And then what? Get married? So if we're not, then the longer we keep it up, the more attached we'll get, and then the more it'll hurt when it eventually ends. So why not just cut the amount of pain by ending it sooner rather than later?
How heartless is that though? I can't do any of that. I just can't. Because here I am, caught up in it all once again. I thought I learned the first time that just because you FEEL so perfectly whole and content, it doesn't necessarily mean that. There's a huge world out there that most likely has different plans for you if you just take the time to zoom out of your infinitely wrapped up view and take a look for yourself. But where's the balance between being realistic and being cynical? Being obsessive and being committed? Being too open and being too bitter to give anyone a chance? I thought I was an expert. Too bad my big head got in the way and I'm just now seeing that I have MUCH to learn and that I'm still gonna wind up in new situations where I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I can understand why he's so into this. He's in the first love blah blah blah stage. But I should have already done that, I shouldn't be this wrapped up. I can't help it though. I like him so much. It's crazy how we do all these nonsensical things for this thing we call Love. I don't even really know what I'm upset about. Maybe it's just that I'm scared to feel like this about someone. Maybe it's because I think I should know better than to be keeping this up. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for flirting with other guys here. Maybe it's because I just hate being apart from him. Maybe it's because I don't like knowing he's out doing something fun and crazy without me, while I'm just here doing nothing. Maybe it's because I don't want to be that girl that's obsessed with her long distance boyfriend.
So. I still haven't answered my first question. Is it worth it to hold onto this? There's so many pros and cons. And I know that I have a tendency to hold onto things a lot longer than I should. So maybe I should actually act on this doubt. But I don't think so. Not yet. The good feelings FAR outweigh the bad. And the bad feelings are only there because the good feelings are so strong and I hate not being able to have all the good feelings I know I could have with him if we could be together in person. So I guess in the end it doesn't even really matter if it's worth it, it just matters what I decide to do, regardless of how it's going to work out. And I'm choosing to hold on. Because that's what I do. I hold onto things, I hold onto people, I hold things together, I keep things together, I try to make everything fit, even if that means putting in more of myself than maybe I should.
How heartless is that though? I can't do any of that. I just can't. Because here I am, caught up in it all once again. I thought I learned the first time that just because you FEEL so perfectly whole and content, it doesn't necessarily mean that. There's a huge world out there that most likely has different plans for you if you just take the time to zoom out of your infinitely wrapped up view and take a look for yourself. But where's the balance between being realistic and being cynical? Being obsessive and being committed? Being too open and being too bitter to give anyone a chance? I thought I was an expert. Too bad my big head got in the way and I'm just now seeing that I have MUCH to learn and that I'm still gonna wind up in new situations where I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I can understand why he's so into this. He's in the first love blah blah blah stage. But I should have already done that, I shouldn't be this wrapped up. I can't help it though. I like him so much. It's crazy how we do all these nonsensical things for this thing we call Love. I don't even really know what I'm upset about. Maybe it's just that I'm scared to feel like this about someone. Maybe it's because I think I should know better than to be keeping this up. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for flirting with other guys here. Maybe it's because I just hate being apart from him. Maybe it's because I don't like knowing he's out doing something fun and crazy without me, while I'm just here doing nothing. Maybe it's because I don't want to be that girl that's obsessed with her long distance boyfriend.
So. I still haven't answered my first question. Is it worth it to hold onto this? There's so many pros and cons. And I know that I have a tendency to hold onto things a lot longer than I should. So maybe I should actually act on this doubt. But I don't think so. Not yet. The good feelings FAR outweigh the bad. And the bad feelings are only there because the good feelings are so strong and I hate not being able to have all the good feelings I know I could have with him if we could be together in person. So I guess in the end it doesn't even really matter if it's worth it, it just matters what I decide to do, regardless of how it's going to work out. And I'm choosing to hold on. Because that's what I do. I hold onto things, I hold onto people, I hold things together, I keep things together, I try to make everything fit, even if that means putting in more of myself than maybe I should.