a week of bad recognizations
well all in all at the end of my day, I have realized, that I have had a shitty day, then thought to my self just how fucked am I, I found out that I am both an ass and an asshole, not to long ago a friend of mine was wondering who was the bigest asshole in our group of friends, I thought about myself but refused to believe such a thing. I figured I'm an ass but in this day and age who isn't. as true as that may be I am for sure one of the worlds largest. Who would think that not only do I start arguments when I'm not intentualy tring to (because I apperently do). but I also am a sexist. a dumb ass, shalow minded, illresponsible, and above all a hypocrate. I truely do hate myself. I am often going around stating how much I hate stupid people. but now I know I am one of them. every trait anybody can have that will utterly piss me of in a person, I have. who would know. It seem that I also can't do anything correctly, it seems like every time I try to fix one thing I fuck up something else even worse. I have no true ability to do anything. every thing I've ever acompliced was in the eyes of someone else, it was about last year that I decided to stop "degrading" myself but why did I. It has only brought worse things into my life, for every thing I have "succedded" in, I have thought to myself how could I. The pitty of others I do not adore, but it turns out that has been my life. how pathetic can one truly be. my excuses all my life have been I am heavely stressed, or that I am only a man. but have I brought this stress into my life for no other reason but to use it as an excuse. I am only a man but am I a blind one. The other day I realized why I ever stoped venting to my friends the only people I would consider family at this point and pissed them all of and started another argument. I have noticed that in the past about six years every time I've tried to releave my own tension, I only grab more, and throw some at those who are tring to help me. what an ass. I have recently realized that I truely am nothing more than a mere pawn in what is life, everytime I try to run from what is typical or expected I find it on my ass. the only relief I'll ever have is my own demise. a pawn may be there and it may be condoned, and on ocasion can make something out of itself but truefuly no one cares. thus is myself, I know no one has any reason to give a damn about me but some do, and it seems that the only way I repay them is to piss them off, or fuck something up for them. isn't that so generous of me. I haven't been able to sleep in two days because I have the same thoughts runing though my head. am I truely the ass I have come to see myself as, and the only answers I have are yes, and I truely don't know. how the fuck am I suposed to go on being the shit I am, and I obviously can't avoid it, the only thing left for me is to shut the fuck up, not do anything more than what is needed, and wait till the end. it doesn't sound nice or fun but it is my last option. I have finaly grown up to realize only that I nothing more than a mere childish ass. god damn it, and I'll see myself in hell yet.