"all the memories so close to me just fade away..."
so it's over.. never wanted it to end this way but i guess that this is the way it is supposed to end. with pain confusion tears hate hurt and broken hearts. even though i ended it my heart is broken too. i dont know what to make of my emotions. i feel guilty but releived. hurt but healed. broken hearted but not. all i want to do is cry and get away from it all. all my life all i have ever known is heartbreak. i have always been the one to have my heart broken. never ever have i ever broken someone elses heart and thats what i think hurts the worst. knowing that i hurt someone. while this is not something i am accustomed to it's something i had to do to put my mind and heart at ease. i have alot of growing up to do. and so does he. we dont know how to be grownups yet because we havent gotten a chance to know what its like to be a kid. to have fun go to school be with friends party do whatever. we skipped all that and let our emotions take over our hearts and never will i do that again. i wont put someone elses heart in jeopardy. this whole experience has made me completely numb. i dont want to know what it's like to feel anymore. i dont want to know what its like to cry. to hate to hurt to love to smile. i just dont wanna do it anymore. i cant. all love has ever gotten me is a broken heart or them a broken heart. its not worth it, all though in the moment it is. i have given up alot that i dont know i can get back. my friends. casey tasha kim steph dave blake mel. everyone. i miss all of you so much and i feel as if though me getting married broke that bond that we all once had. and i want that back. i want to do crazy things with all of you again. the things that made us so close these past 6-7 years. car dancing, staying up till god awful hours in the morning talking; anything. i just want things to be like they were. i know that we all have gone our separate ways but this is the kind of love that can never be broken. friendship. the people that are always there no matter what the case is. a person who always has your back. a person who always knows what to say or do. *sigh* i dont know anymore. just want it to be like it was.