(no subject)
so where to start...
i've been staring at this screen for half an hour and this is all i've been able to come up with. writing about not writing.
i don't even want to write, i just feel like i need to. like i need to document something. like putting it out there where i can see it and read it myself will help me to accept or understand it.
i feel like i haven't slept in days. i have, just not much. part of it's work. my on call has been rather hellish. part of it is me feeling like i'm cracking. i'm a rather guarded person in certain regards. to a fault. a huge fault. i've become incrredibly devoid of emotion. for a few years now i've just become less and less susceptible to feeling at all. i spend most of my time just being indifferent. it's not necessarily a bad thing. while sure, i miss out on certain highs, i also miss out on all of the lows, which i rather enjoy. i'm severely lacking a passion for anything. what really concerns me is this. i don't feel anything for people. no sense of attachment. no sense of need, or really even wanting. over the past few years i've just had a few fleeting feelings of whatever, but nothing really worthwhile. nothing memorable. but lately there's been this thing. randomly, out of nowhere, i get filled with this huge sense of dread. like i can feel this massive amount of misery boiling up inside of myself. i get to what i feel is like inches within of something like being depressed, then it subsides. it never gets worse or better, just seems to be happening with greater frequency. as of late there's just so much confusion. a strange brew of love, hate, and discontent all bottled up into one. maybe i'm not as indestructible as i think. maybe i've wrapped myself in some sort of self created lie that's slowly starting to unravel. mostly i'm just afraid that the latter is true. i'm scared to death of feeling.
i've been staring at this screen for half an hour and this is all i've been able to come up with. writing about not writing.
i don't even want to write, i just feel like i need to. like i need to document something. like putting it out there where i can see it and read it myself will help me to accept or understand it.
i feel like i haven't slept in days. i have, just not much. part of it's work. my on call has been rather hellish. part of it is me feeling like i'm cracking. i'm a rather guarded person in certain regards. to a fault. a huge fault. i've become incrredibly devoid of emotion. for a few years now i've just become less and less susceptible to feeling at all. i spend most of my time just being indifferent. it's not necessarily a bad thing. while sure, i miss out on certain highs, i also miss out on all of the lows, which i rather enjoy. i'm severely lacking a passion for anything. what really concerns me is this. i don't feel anything for people. no sense of attachment. no sense of need, or really even wanting. over the past few years i've just had a few fleeting feelings of whatever, but nothing really worthwhile. nothing memorable. but lately there's been this thing. randomly, out of nowhere, i get filled with this huge sense of dread. like i can feel this massive amount of misery boiling up inside of myself. i get to what i feel is like inches within of something like being depressed, then it subsides. it never gets worse or better, just seems to be happening with greater frequency. as of late there's just so much confusion. a strange brew of love, hate, and discontent all bottled up into one. maybe i'm not as indestructible as i think. maybe i've wrapped myself in some sort of self created lie that's slowly starting to unravel. mostly i'm just afraid that the latter is true. i'm scared to death of feeling.