My last real letter to you...
I was surprised. I was surprised you let me in your door when I knocked. You thought I came under the pretense that I needed something, but that weren't what you thought. What I needed to do was give you the Valentine's Day present I had picked out for you before we broke up. It was time I gave it to you.
I was surprised to see that I spent five hours with you. I hadn't really expected to spend five minutes with you. In my mind, the way I planned it out, I was tough, just seeking a bit of peace of mind. In reality you totally disarmed me. You disarmed me with your charmed that I had forgotten, but also initially with your consideration.
I was surprised by how weak I was next to you tonight. It made me finally understand why you always had this "I know best" or the "condescending attitude" you had towards me. It's sort of your way of protecting and caring. And when I'm with you I am weak, and dependent, and I let myself be cared for. I am not so weak by myself, but it make sense why I have felt so weak this year, because I was with you. Oddly enough, everything you did to care of me, even though it made me weak and dependent, at the same time felt very good. It made me feel as if it might be possible that I was loved, even though you didn't.
I was surprised by how much influence and power you still have over me. I found myself tonight still trying to go way out of the way of helping you, even though I felt guilty, because I know its not my place to do so anymore. Not to that extent. Am I like this because I still want your kind words, or praises? I think so... even though I know I shouldn't. But it's not just that, I do genuinely care about you. So I guess its both.
I was surprised tonight to learn how easy it would be to fall back in love with you tonight. You showed me everything that made me fall in love with you tonight. It was all your charm, charisma, consideration, kindness, and attractiveness. I never fell in love with you because of some secret side; I fell in love with you because of your simple everyday side, the side that you show everyone. Just being near you is enough to stir my emotions again.
I was surprised tonight to find out I am now afraid of you. I was afraid that you would accidentally dash my heart again. I am afraid that you will do something unintentionally to awaken my heart to you again, but I am also afraid you might do it intentionally... and some part of me still wants that, and I'm afraid of that part inside of me.
Most surprising of all, I know now that we are truly done associating at all which each other not out of bitterness or anger, but out my weakness for you. I have no power when it comes to you. I never did. In your emails to me I had notice you had all the power, and I tried to change that at the end, but it didn't work, because it had never been that way. I am powerless with you, and maybe this is part of why you broke up with me, or maybe its something you seen and understand, I'm not sure. I do know you ended your last email with "you know where to find me if you need me." And tonight you had said you though I had needed you. This is why I don't think we can ever be friends, because I don't need you, unless I'm near you. After tonight, I doubt there will be any more visits, unexpected or otherwise to your house on Douglas Street. I know that when I see you in the future from now you, you will just be another mutual associate or my ex-boyfriend.
~K~
I was surprised to see that I spent five hours with you. I hadn't really expected to spend five minutes with you. In my mind, the way I planned it out, I was tough, just seeking a bit of peace of mind. In reality you totally disarmed me. You disarmed me with your charmed that I had forgotten, but also initially with your consideration.
I was surprised by how weak I was next to you tonight. It made me finally understand why you always had this "I know best" or the "condescending attitude" you had towards me. It's sort of your way of protecting and caring. And when I'm with you I am weak, and dependent, and I let myself be cared for. I am not so weak by myself, but it make sense why I have felt so weak this year, because I was with you. Oddly enough, everything you did to care of me, even though it made me weak and dependent, at the same time felt very good. It made me feel as if it might be possible that I was loved, even though you didn't.
I was surprised by how much influence and power you still have over me. I found myself tonight still trying to go way out of the way of helping you, even though I felt guilty, because I know its not my place to do so anymore. Not to that extent. Am I like this because I still want your kind words, or praises? I think so... even though I know I shouldn't. But it's not just that, I do genuinely care about you. So I guess its both.
I was surprised tonight to learn how easy it would be to fall back in love with you tonight. You showed me everything that made me fall in love with you tonight. It was all your charm, charisma, consideration, kindness, and attractiveness. I never fell in love with you because of some secret side; I fell in love with you because of your simple everyday side, the side that you show everyone. Just being near you is enough to stir my emotions again.
I was surprised tonight to find out I am now afraid of you. I was afraid that you would accidentally dash my heart again. I am afraid that you will do something unintentionally to awaken my heart to you again, but I am also afraid you might do it intentionally... and some part of me still wants that, and I'm afraid of that part inside of me.
Most surprising of all, I know now that we are truly done associating at all which each other not out of bitterness or anger, but out my weakness for you. I have no power when it comes to you. I never did. In your emails to me I had notice you had all the power, and I tried to change that at the end, but it didn't work, because it had never been that way. I am powerless with you, and maybe this is part of why you broke up with me, or maybe its something you seen and understand, I'm not sure. I do know you ended your last email with "you know where to find me if you need me." And tonight you had said you though I had needed you. This is why I don't think we can ever be friends, because I don't need you, unless I'm near you. After tonight, I doubt there will be any more visits, unexpected or otherwise to your house on Douglas Street. I know that when I see you in the future from now you, you will just be another mutual associate or my ex-boyfriend.
~K~