Alone
A couple of days ago Shane asked me if we had gotten our Berea letters. Sis was asleep so he couldnt ask her. I told him we haqdnt gotten them and expressed how worried i was. He just suddenly said "Well, since Porsha isn't going Jackie said she wasnt going."It caught me off gaurd. As far as i had known Porsha had nothing to do with going to Berea. That Sis just really liked the school and we would both go together. When Mrs. Compton annouced that all students interested in Morehead come to the Cooking Lab; She went. Thats the school Porsha said she was going to since she got declined from Berea. I thought it was suposed to me me and her. That we didnt need anyone else in our world. That our Twinship made us strong. Apparently she thinks different. She hates protecting me. She doesnt want to anymore. So she is leaving me to fall on my own. No one is going to be around to catch me. Silver will be gone into the Army and i will be all alone at a school i love without anyone to care about me. What if i got a terrible roommate? Candy decided not to go either.
This feeling of loneliness is like a void in my body. My stomach feels like it if filled with extra stick peanut butter. Mrs. Johnson stoped me in the hall; She said i looked lonely. She can see right through me. Some day I will tell her how much she means to me, and how if it wasn't for her. I might not even be here. Last year I was having this terrible day. I just wanted it all to end and i was cutting alot then. It was Dr. suess day and she read us "Oh the Places you will go" it made me laugh and feel much better. Esspecially the part about having your own ups and down and being all turned around, waiting. It put new words to my feelings and made them feel less bad.
Yesterday, my therapist asked me if there was anyone i could go to when i felt suicidal or upset. I said my sister. She is the best friend i have.Now i have no one to go to when i want to Die. No one but myse Why is the feeling not mutual? when all that stuff happened to her, she didnt tell me, I was the last person she has ever talked to. lf. Its as if she doesn't trust me. Well from now on, I'll stand on my own too. I'll be strong without her. I wont tell her about my life either!
I don't need anyone in my world.. Its not our world anymore. Its just mine. Its nice a big and filled with big forests and creek beds that are clear and warm. There is childrens laughter echoing from years gone by, they are playing pirates, and Indians, and fighting with big swords made of oak tree braches. One by one their Laughter fades away and I am left here, climbing these moutains and picking Fearie apples. I might fall, But I'll refuse to scream.