Twelve Steps to Forgiveness
Twelve Steps to Forgiveness
1. Ask the Lord to reveal to your mind the people you need to forgive. Then write on a sheet of paper the names of those who offended you. Of the hundreds of people who have completed this list in my counseling office, 95% put father and mother as numbers 1 and 2. Three out of the first four names on most lists are close relatives. When making a list, the two most overlooked people are God and yourself. Concerning your relationship with God, only HE can forgive your sins, and HE has never sinned. We haven’t always appropriated that forgiveness, and sometimes we are bitter toward God because we hold false expectations of HIM. We need to release God from those false expectations and appropriate God’s forgiveness.
2. Acknowledge the hurt and the hate. As you work through the list of people you need to forgive, state specifically for what you are forgiving them (e.g. rejection; deprivation of love; injustice; unfairness; physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse; betrayal; neglect and so on). Also state how their offenses made you feel. Remember: it is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. You must forgive from your heart.
3. Understand the significance of the Cross. The cross of Christ makes forgiveness legally and morally right. Jesus took upon HIMSELF all the sins of the world - including yours and those of the persons who have offended you - and HE died “once for all” (Heb 10:10). The heart cries, “It isn’t fair! Where’s the justice?” It is in the Cross.
4. Decide you will bear the burden of each person’s sin (see Gal 6:1-2). This means you will not retaliate in the future by using the information about their sin against them (see Prov 17:9, Luke 6:27-34). All true forgiveness is substitutionary, as was Christ’s forgiveness of us. That doesn’t mean you tolerate sin or refuse to testify in a court of law. You may have to do that for justice to prevail. Just make sure you have forgiven that person from your heart first.
5. Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and to free yourself from the past. You may not feel like doing it, but it is necessary for your sake. If God tells you to forgive from your heart, be assured HE will enable you to do it. The other person may truly be in the wrong and subject to church discipline or legal action. That is not your primary concern. Your first concern is to receive freedom from your past and stop the pain. Make that decision now; your feeling of forgiveness will follow in time.
6. Take your list to God and pray the following: “I forgive (name) for (list all the offenses and how they make you feel).” Stay with each person on the list until every remembered pain has been specifically addressed. That includes every sin of commission as well as omission. If you have felt bitter toward this person for some time, you may want to find a Christian counselor or trusted friend to assist you in the process. Don’t say, “I want to forgive so and so,” or “Lord, help me to forgive so and so.” That is bypassing your responsibility and choice to forgive.
7. Destroy the list. You are now free. Do not tell the offenders what you have done. Your need to forgive others is between you and God only! The person you may need to forgive could be dead. Forgiveness may lead you to be reconciled to others, but whether or not that happens is not totally dependent upon you. Your freedom in Christ cannot be dependent upon others whom you have no right or ability to control.
8. Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other persons. Instead, pray for them (see Matt 5:44) so they, too, may find the freedom of forgiveness (see 2 Cor 2:7).
9. Try to understand the people you have forgiven, but don’t rationalize their behavior. It could lead to incomplete forgiveness. For instance, don’t say, “I forgive my father because I know he really didn’t mean it.” That would be excusing him and bypassing your pain and the need to forgive from the heart.
10. Expect positive results of forgiveness in you. In time you will be able to think about the people without triggering primary emotions. That doesn’t mean you will like those who are abusive. It means you are free from them. Old feeling may try to recycle themselves. When that happens, stop and thank God for HIS provision and don’t pick up those old offenses again. You dealt with it; now let it go.
11. Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offenders (see Rom 8:28-29).
12. Be sure to accept your part of the blame for the offenses you suffered. Confess your failure to God (see 1 John 1:9) and to others (see Jas 5:16) and realize that if someone has something against you, you must go to that person and be reconciled (see Matt 5:23-26).
© “Victory Over the Darkness” by Neil T. Anderson, Chapter 11 “Healing Emotional Wounds from Your Past” p. 192-195
1. Ask the Lord to reveal to your mind the people you need to forgive. Then write on a sheet of paper the names of those who offended you. Of the hundreds of people who have completed this list in my counseling office, 95% put father and mother as numbers 1 and 2. Three out of the first four names on most lists are close relatives. When making a list, the two most overlooked people are God and yourself. Concerning your relationship with God, only HE can forgive your sins, and HE has never sinned. We haven’t always appropriated that forgiveness, and sometimes we are bitter toward God because we hold false expectations of HIM. We need to release God from those false expectations and appropriate God’s forgiveness.
2. Acknowledge the hurt and the hate. As you work through the list of people you need to forgive, state specifically for what you are forgiving them (e.g. rejection; deprivation of love; injustice; unfairness; physical, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse; betrayal; neglect and so on). Also state how their offenses made you feel. Remember: it is not a sin to acknowledge the reality of your emotions. God knows exactly how you feel, whether you admit it or not. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. You must forgive from your heart.
3. Understand the significance of the Cross. The cross of Christ makes forgiveness legally and morally right. Jesus took upon HIMSELF all the sins of the world - including yours and those of the persons who have offended you - and HE died “once for all” (Heb 10:10). The heart cries, “It isn’t fair! Where’s the justice?” It is in the Cross.
4. Decide you will bear the burden of each person’s sin (see Gal 6:1-2). This means you will not retaliate in the future by using the information about their sin against them (see Prov 17:9, Luke 6:27-34). All true forgiveness is substitutionary, as was Christ’s forgiveness of us. That doesn’t mean you tolerate sin or refuse to testify in a court of law. You may have to do that for justice to prevail. Just make sure you have forgiven that person from your heart first.
5. Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and to free yourself from the past. You may not feel like doing it, but it is necessary for your sake. If God tells you to forgive from your heart, be assured HE will enable you to do it. The other person may truly be in the wrong and subject to church discipline or legal action. That is not your primary concern. Your first concern is to receive freedom from your past and stop the pain. Make that decision now; your feeling of forgiveness will follow in time.
6. Take your list to God and pray the following: “I forgive (name) for (list all the offenses and how they make you feel).” Stay with each person on the list until every remembered pain has been specifically addressed. That includes every sin of commission as well as omission. If you have felt bitter toward this person for some time, you may want to find a Christian counselor or trusted friend to assist you in the process. Don’t say, “I want to forgive so and so,” or “Lord, help me to forgive so and so.” That is bypassing your responsibility and choice to forgive.
7. Destroy the list. You are now free. Do not tell the offenders what you have done. Your need to forgive others is between you and God only! The person you may need to forgive could be dead. Forgiveness may lead you to be reconciled to others, but whether or not that happens is not totally dependent upon you. Your freedom in Christ cannot be dependent upon others whom you have no right or ability to control.
8. Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other persons. Instead, pray for them (see Matt 5:44) so they, too, may find the freedom of forgiveness (see 2 Cor 2:7).
9. Try to understand the people you have forgiven, but don’t rationalize their behavior. It could lead to incomplete forgiveness. For instance, don’t say, “I forgive my father because I know he really didn’t mean it.” That would be excusing him and bypassing your pain and the need to forgive from the heart.
10. Expect positive results of forgiveness in you. In time you will be able to think about the people without triggering primary emotions. That doesn’t mean you will like those who are abusive. It means you are free from them. Old feeling may try to recycle themselves. When that happens, stop and thank God for HIS provision and don’t pick up those old offenses again. You dealt with it; now let it go.
11. Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offenders (see Rom 8:28-29).
12. Be sure to accept your part of the blame for the offenses you suffered. Confess your failure to God (see 1 John 1:9) and to others (see Jas 5:16) and realize that if someone has something against you, you must go to that person and be reconciled (see Matt 5:23-26).
© “Victory Over the Darkness” by Neil T. Anderson, Chapter 11 “Healing Emotional Wounds from Your Past” p. 192-195