misty's life was truly a blessing
two weeks ago today, i took my baby girl in to see her vet for what i thought would be a fairly routine visit. she had been having her usual springtime sniffles and sneezes, and some slightly picky eating, but the only thing that had been alarming me was the bump on her belly. until that morning.
she was quite lethargic when i came in to feed her around 6am, and i couldn't get her to eat at all, not even her apple chewy with her pill inside, which she never refused. so i called all pet as soon as they opened to get her an appointment asap. the visit was urgent so they finally let my past due bill slide. i had three and a half hours until we had to be there. she let me put her into bed and positioned herself into her favorite spot for snuggles. i held her, crying and telling her how much she meant to me while freedom gave her orange juice in a teaspoon to sip. i got many sleepy bunny kisses and eventually put her down by her food in the hopes that she would eat. she finally took her pill and snuggled into her "tent" in her favorite corner. i broke up her apple and tore up her greens and she slowly started to eat, first giving my hand kisses as if in thanks.
those were the last bunny kisses i ever received from her.
i fell asleep for an hour, listening to her munch. i took her to the vet around 10am.
i never got to bring her home alive.
dr. bennett came in to check her out. she had a strong heartbeat, clear lungs, and the bump on her belly was nothing to worry about for the time being, it was very soft and moved easily. she had several overgrown molars that were visible with an otoscope, but more were found later on once they went in for a closer look after she was sedated. she hadn't been drooling, she was still eating hard foods, she had only stopped eating her parsley a week before, and a day or two before i took her in, her hay. she had been acting ornerier than usual, but i thought it was just the tamoxifen and the weather changes. it was the combination of picky eating and sudden lethargy that made me rush her in. and it was because of a kind soul who donated $50 to her vet's office in her name that i was able to even get her in that day at all. that's why they let my past bill slide for the time being.
dr. bennett wanted to take care of her right away. i had a few moments alone with her until the tech came.
i left her there, after kissing her on the nose and telling her i loved her and that she'd feel better soon.
i went home to sleep away the hours until i could call to check in on her.
i woke up around 3 because my dog clea was moving around at the bottom of the bed and i felt a little "nudge nudge" on my arm. i thought "misty", then i knew. i knew. i laid there, waiting for my world to be shattered.
i got the call at 3:15pm.
when they went in for the filing, everything was going well and she took the sedation like a champ, as always. no problems initially. then, dr. bennett noticed that the very back molar on her bottom right had a small spur as well, so he went in to file it too. he had barely touched it when the gingiva began to gush blood. they couldn't stop it. they got her airway cleared but she went into cardiac arrest. she died, blissfully asleep, unaware of the trauma her body suffered, and in the hands of the doctor who had given her so much tlc for over 6 years of her life.
the xrays showed nothing unusual, other than the elongated roots and spurs. he took more. then, from an odd lower angle, you could see that her entire jaw was a mass of black pockets of infection around almost every single molar. there was an unusually large abscess around the fatal molar. dr. bennett said that nothing could've been done, he said that the entire right side of her skull had been severely eroded from all those years of fighting infections in her eye so the abscesses were able to take hold of the tissue very quickly and went very deep. one of the roots had punctured her sinuses and her two bottom back molars were coming in at 45 degree angles. treatment options would've been limited even if she had survived because of her age and the cancer and her other ailments.
i beat myself up still. even though i've been told there was nothing i could've done, i still wonder "if only i had taken her in sooner".
but then, i think that this was how she would've wanted it. she had too much dignity to deteriorate to the point of being fed mush and having to wear diapers. and another surgery would've surely broken her spirit. that morning, i could tell that she was ready to go. i just didn't want to face it.
i don't remember much of the phone call other than the feeling that a big sharp hole was suddenly punched straight through my heart and soul. my life suddenly felt empty and without meaning and i let lose a cry that came from the deepest part of me.
i went on autopilot. we made phone calls to friends and family. vanessa came over right away. we drank chianti to toast misty's life. i fell apart. nessa, freedom and i headed for allpet around 5:30 to bring misty home. the weather was similar to the day she was rescued.
they brought her to me. it was her but it wasn't. it was just her mortal shell. but i swear i felt her move right through me when i picked her up and held her body to my heart.
i wrapped her in my sweater. i said the lapine prayer for the fallen over her, placing our hands over her heart.
dr. bennett explained to me what happened. he showed me the xrays. he gave me a hug. the tech brought me a book of very little comfort and a misty pawprint to keep.
i held my baby until it was time to go.
a payment i had made on the estimate that morning had been accidently billed to the past due balance. i still owed them $211. we didn't have it with us, the idea of money got lost in grief and shock. the receptionist took misty's body from us and said that if we didn't have the money, she couldn't leave with us. they would be closing in an hour. we were 15 miles away from pittsburgh. i was too shocked and hurt by this incident to react, vanessa came to the rescue. she sped us to her place, got the money, and we raced back, getting there right at 8pm. she covered the entire bill. we owe her more than payment of a debt for this.
we got her home and prepared a viewing area in our bedroom where she had lived. she looked devastatingly beautiful, finally at peace. she rested with three of my special stuffed bunnies on my loveseat, which was covered in blue velvet, wrapped in a blanket, with a table covered in her photos, candles and other special items. i played tchaikovsky and her other favorites on her cd player. friends came and went, bringing cards of sympathy, food, and special gifts. my misty had roses to lay upon. her eyes sparkled, as if her spirit was letting me know she approved. i couldn't bring myself to close them just yet.
after everyone was gone, i sat alone with her and read her a letter i had written a few months ago. i altered it slightly as i read it to turn it into a tribute to her life and a letter of eternal love. i pet her, i kissed her, i told her how much she meant to me and shared with her the lessons she taught me. i spent a couple hours saying goodbye, thankful every moment for having this chance to bring her home for a final farewell. as the sun rose, freedom joined me and we blew out the last two remaining candles after saying a few final words of love to her.
i did not think i could sleep after the sun was up, but i did finally rest for an hour. we then had to get up to take her back to all pet for her final arrangements. when i went to pet her one more time, i saw that her eyes were now empty, this was not misty any longer. i closed her eyes.
freedom prepared her for the trip. i wanted to remember her looking peaceful, at home in surroundings as beautiful as she was, not inside a cardboard box all alone.
we arranged an individual cremation.
my life has not been the same since she left.
i never realized how much of my daily routine revolved around her care until now. i feel like my entire life has been disrupted. the simplest reminders send me into a state of total despair. like the day when i went into the bedroom to get my sandals. i caught a whiff of her scent on the carpet she napped on as i bent down to pick them up. i fell into a heap, crying uncontrollably, when moments before i had been quite calm. how am i dealing with this? i just am. i've kept her viewing area just as it was when we said goodbye and i still turn on her favorite radio station every day, i leave a nightlight on, and i burn a blueberry candle for her at every sunset.
whenever i bring her ashes home, i will do a complete cleansing of her living areas and i will put away her belongings after cleansing them as well, this will be done to encourage her transition and to help me to heal. we will then have a final farewell for her at washington's landing. when we come home, i will have a memorial, an altar, set up for her in her favorite corner, and when i am ready, i will add her belongings to it. soon, i will be having a bit of her ashes made into a cremulet that i will wear next to my heart for always. the rest of her ashes shall rest in an urn that freedom and i are making for her. i will know when the time is right to release them.
right now, i am working on developing my spiritual relationship with misty. i write letters to her in a special journal and on a couple nights, i've mediatated and talked with her spirit. also, two significant visions have brought me the only real peace and comfort i've known so far, and i believe deep down in my heart that these visions were gifts from her to sooth my guilt and grief. i saw her last moments, through her eyes, very vividly. she knew peace, it did not hurt. i saw her spirit say goodbye to me. and i saw her giving me thanks when she gave me those last kisses and when i felt her nudge me, it was as if i heard her bunny thoughts and felt what she felt and that's how i then realized she was ready to go. whenever my rational mind would try to step in to imagine these scenarios on its own accord, the visions would falter and fade until i made my mind give up control and let these visions come as they would. i was half asleep, not in a dreaming state, and these were not daydreams by any definition of the word. i just saw what she saw and felt what she felt. and this gave me peace and filled me with love and gratitude in some of my darkest moments.
no matter how much her physical loss hurts me, it is well worth having known her.
and i don't believe that it ends here. i know that she is still with me and that she will find her way home again someday. i believe that reincarnation is not just for people, it is also for our animal companions. these animals that we bond with on such deep levels are our spirit guides and they are here with us for a reason, we share a connection with them that goes beyond the mundane. they give us unconditonal love and teach us life's purest, most beautiful, and most difficult lessons. we are their mothers, as they were once ours, and this cycle of love and nurturing continues even after physical death has come. they continue to touch our lives from beyond until the day they are reborn and find their way into our lives once more, bringing new lessons in life and love, new cherished memories, until we have both made that next transition, and cross the rainbow bridge together. i know that misty certainly is my spirit guide, and i believe that this wasn't the first time we've met, or the last. in her comparatively short life, in caring for this little lost, sickly bunny, i have learned more about love, perseverance, and compassion than from any other experience i've ever known. i watched her blossom in my care, and that was the most profound accomplishment of my life. she lived a good life and a long life.
our connection was immediate and ran deep. death could not sever this bond. and someday, a new life for her will reaffirm it. until then, i continue to study the lessons she taught me in this life, and i accept this transition into a spiritual relationship, cherishing it just as much as the one i knew in her physical existence.
some days are still going to be hard, i will continue to have moments of despair and there will be a sense of loss for quite some time. some parts of the day are still harder than others. sometimes, it feels like it may get easier. i now understand the importance of having spiritual beliefs, because without them, i would have no hope of getting through this. faith certainly is essential to recovery from grief.
so i do have hope, that i will survive this transition, and that she will someday return to me. i'll know her when i see her. she found me before, she'll find me again.
misty bunny, you have changed my life for the better. you soaked up my tears when i was down and made me laugh when i was grumpy, you brought me happiness and serene companionship, and you taught me the meanings of unconditional love and compassion. i worried over you and cared for you when you were ill, and i know that i did everything in my power to help you. i feel your gratitude and your love, easing my moments of guilt. every little twitch of your nose, every bunny kiss you bestowed upon me, every leap of happiness, every joyful and simple act, every moment we shared, touched my life on a much deeper level than anyone could ever know. the lessons you taught me, the joys you brought me, and the gifts you gave me are eternal. you have always been a part of me, and you always will be. you are my rusamitha. i miss you and i love you. i look forward to the day when we can meet again. vaorahil il mi, rooli roo ma.
she was quite lethargic when i came in to feed her around 6am, and i couldn't get her to eat at all, not even her apple chewy with her pill inside, which she never refused. so i called all pet as soon as they opened to get her an appointment asap. the visit was urgent so they finally let my past due bill slide. i had three and a half hours until we had to be there. she let me put her into bed and positioned herself into her favorite spot for snuggles. i held her, crying and telling her how much she meant to me while freedom gave her orange juice in a teaspoon to sip. i got many sleepy bunny kisses and eventually put her down by her food in the hopes that she would eat. she finally took her pill and snuggled into her "tent" in her favorite corner. i broke up her apple and tore up her greens and she slowly started to eat, first giving my hand kisses as if in thanks.
those were the last bunny kisses i ever received from her.
i fell asleep for an hour, listening to her munch. i took her to the vet around 10am.
i never got to bring her home alive.
dr. bennett came in to check her out. she had a strong heartbeat, clear lungs, and the bump on her belly was nothing to worry about for the time being, it was very soft and moved easily. she had several overgrown molars that were visible with an otoscope, but more were found later on once they went in for a closer look after she was sedated. she hadn't been drooling, she was still eating hard foods, she had only stopped eating her parsley a week before, and a day or two before i took her in, her hay. she had been acting ornerier than usual, but i thought it was just the tamoxifen and the weather changes. it was the combination of picky eating and sudden lethargy that made me rush her in. and it was because of a kind soul who donated $50 to her vet's office in her name that i was able to even get her in that day at all. that's why they let my past bill slide for the time being.
dr. bennett wanted to take care of her right away. i had a few moments alone with her until the tech came.
i left her there, after kissing her on the nose and telling her i loved her and that she'd feel better soon.
i went home to sleep away the hours until i could call to check in on her.
i woke up around 3 because my dog clea was moving around at the bottom of the bed and i felt a little "nudge nudge" on my arm. i thought "misty", then i knew. i knew. i laid there, waiting for my world to be shattered.
i got the call at 3:15pm.
when they went in for the filing, everything was going well and she took the sedation like a champ, as always. no problems initially. then, dr. bennett noticed that the very back molar on her bottom right had a small spur as well, so he went in to file it too. he had barely touched it when the gingiva began to gush blood. they couldn't stop it. they got her airway cleared but she went into cardiac arrest. she died, blissfully asleep, unaware of the trauma her body suffered, and in the hands of the doctor who had given her so much tlc for over 6 years of her life.
the xrays showed nothing unusual, other than the elongated roots and spurs. he took more. then, from an odd lower angle, you could see that her entire jaw was a mass of black pockets of infection around almost every single molar. there was an unusually large abscess around the fatal molar. dr. bennett said that nothing could've been done, he said that the entire right side of her skull had been severely eroded from all those years of fighting infections in her eye so the abscesses were able to take hold of the tissue very quickly and went very deep. one of the roots had punctured her sinuses and her two bottom back molars were coming in at 45 degree angles. treatment options would've been limited even if she had survived because of her age and the cancer and her other ailments.
i beat myself up still. even though i've been told there was nothing i could've done, i still wonder "if only i had taken her in sooner".
but then, i think that this was how she would've wanted it. she had too much dignity to deteriorate to the point of being fed mush and having to wear diapers. and another surgery would've surely broken her spirit. that morning, i could tell that she was ready to go. i just didn't want to face it.
i don't remember much of the phone call other than the feeling that a big sharp hole was suddenly punched straight through my heart and soul. my life suddenly felt empty and without meaning and i let lose a cry that came from the deepest part of me.
i went on autopilot. we made phone calls to friends and family. vanessa came over right away. we drank chianti to toast misty's life. i fell apart. nessa, freedom and i headed for allpet around 5:30 to bring misty home. the weather was similar to the day she was rescued.
they brought her to me. it was her but it wasn't. it was just her mortal shell. but i swear i felt her move right through me when i picked her up and held her body to my heart.
i wrapped her in my sweater. i said the lapine prayer for the fallen over her, placing our hands over her heart.
dr. bennett explained to me what happened. he showed me the xrays. he gave me a hug. the tech brought me a book of very little comfort and a misty pawprint to keep.
i held my baby until it was time to go.
a payment i had made on the estimate that morning had been accidently billed to the past due balance. i still owed them $211. we didn't have it with us, the idea of money got lost in grief and shock. the receptionist took misty's body from us and said that if we didn't have the money, she couldn't leave with us. they would be closing in an hour. we were 15 miles away from pittsburgh. i was too shocked and hurt by this incident to react, vanessa came to the rescue. she sped us to her place, got the money, and we raced back, getting there right at 8pm. she covered the entire bill. we owe her more than payment of a debt for this.
we got her home and prepared a viewing area in our bedroom where she had lived. she looked devastatingly beautiful, finally at peace. she rested with three of my special stuffed bunnies on my loveseat, which was covered in blue velvet, wrapped in a blanket, with a table covered in her photos, candles and other special items. i played tchaikovsky and her other favorites on her cd player. friends came and went, bringing cards of sympathy, food, and special gifts. my misty had roses to lay upon. her eyes sparkled, as if her spirit was letting me know she approved. i couldn't bring myself to close them just yet.
after everyone was gone, i sat alone with her and read her a letter i had written a few months ago. i altered it slightly as i read it to turn it into a tribute to her life and a letter of eternal love. i pet her, i kissed her, i told her how much she meant to me and shared with her the lessons she taught me. i spent a couple hours saying goodbye, thankful every moment for having this chance to bring her home for a final farewell. as the sun rose, freedom joined me and we blew out the last two remaining candles after saying a few final words of love to her.
i did not think i could sleep after the sun was up, but i did finally rest for an hour. we then had to get up to take her back to all pet for her final arrangements. when i went to pet her one more time, i saw that her eyes were now empty, this was not misty any longer. i closed her eyes.
freedom prepared her for the trip. i wanted to remember her looking peaceful, at home in surroundings as beautiful as she was, not inside a cardboard box all alone.
we arranged an individual cremation.
my life has not been the same since she left.
i never realized how much of my daily routine revolved around her care until now. i feel like my entire life has been disrupted. the simplest reminders send me into a state of total despair. like the day when i went into the bedroom to get my sandals. i caught a whiff of her scent on the carpet she napped on as i bent down to pick them up. i fell into a heap, crying uncontrollably, when moments before i had been quite calm. how am i dealing with this? i just am. i've kept her viewing area just as it was when we said goodbye and i still turn on her favorite radio station every day, i leave a nightlight on, and i burn a blueberry candle for her at every sunset.
whenever i bring her ashes home, i will do a complete cleansing of her living areas and i will put away her belongings after cleansing them as well, this will be done to encourage her transition and to help me to heal. we will then have a final farewell for her at washington's landing. when we come home, i will have a memorial, an altar, set up for her in her favorite corner, and when i am ready, i will add her belongings to it. soon, i will be having a bit of her ashes made into a cremulet that i will wear next to my heart for always. the rest of her ashes shall rest in an urn that freedom and i are making for her. i will know when the time is right to release them.
right now, i am working on developing my spiritual relationship with misty. i write letters to her in a special journal and on a couple nights, i've mediatated and talked with her spirit. also, two significant visions have brought me the only real peace and comfort i've known so far, and i believe deep down in my heart that these visions were gifts from her to sooth my guilt and grief. i saw her last moments, through her eyes, very vividly. she knew peace, it did not hurt. i saw her spirit say goodbye to me. and i saw her giving me thanks when she gave me those last kisses and when i felt her nudge me, it was as if i heard her bunny thoughts and felt what she felt and that's how i then realized she was ready to go. whenever my rational mind would try to step in to imagine these scenarios on its own accord, the visions would falter and fade until i made my mind give up control and let these visions come as they would. i was half asleep, not in a dreaming state, and these were not daydreams by any definition of the word. i just saw what she saw and felt what she felt. and this gave me peace and filled me with love and gratitude in some of my darkest moments.
no matter how much her physical loss hurts me, it is well worth having known her.
and i don't believe that it ends here. i know that she is still with me and that she will find her way home again someday. i believe that reincarnation is not just for people, it is also for our animal companions. these animals that we bond with on such deep levels are our spirit guides and they are here with us for a reason, we share a connection with them that goes beyond the mundane. they give us unconditonal love and teach us life's purest, most beautiful, and most difficult lessons. we are their mothers, as they were once ours, and this cycle of love and nurturing continues even after physical death has come. they continue to touch our lives from beyond until the day they are reborn and find their way into our lives once more, bringing new lessons in life and love, new cherished memories, until we have both made that next transition, and cross the rainbow bridge together. i know that misty certainly is my spirit guide, and i believe that this wasn't the first time we've met, or the last. in her comparatively short life, in caring for this little lost, sickly bunny, i have learned more about love, perseverance, and compassion than from any other experience i've ever known. i watched her blossom in my care, and that was the most profound accomplishment of my life. she lived a good life and a long life.
our connection was immediate and ran deep. death could not sever this bond. and someday, a new life for her will reaffirm it. until then, i continue to study the lessons she taught me in this life, and i accept this transition into a spiritual relationship, cherishing it just as much as the one i knew in her physical existence.
some days are still going to be hard, i will continue to have moments of despair and there will be a sense of loss for quite some time. some parts of the day are still harder than others. sometimes, it feels like it may get easier. i now understand the importance of having spiritual beliefs, because without them, i would have no hope of getting through this. faith certainly is essential to recovery from grief.
so i do have hope, that i will survive this transition, and that she will someday return to me. i'll know her when i see her. she found me before, she'll find me again.
misty bunny, you have changed my life for the better. you soaked up my tears when i was down and made me laugh when i was grumpy, you brought me happiness and serene companionship, and you taught me the meanings of unconditional love and compassion. i worried over you and cared for you when you were ill, and i know that i did everything in my power to help you. i feel your gratitude and your love, easing my moments of guilt. every little twitch of your nose, every bunny kiss you bestowed upon me, every leap of happiness, every joyful and simple act, every moment we shared, touched my life on a much deeper level than anyone could ever know. the lessons you taught me, the joys you brought me, and the gifts you gave me are eternal. you have always been a part of me, and you always will be. you are my rusamitha. i miss you and i love you. i look forward to the day when we can meet again. vaorahil il mi, rooli roo ma.